Hi,
I guess I'm really just at my wits end now. I've known about my fiances gambling problem for a few years now. I've tried to help him. I've bailed him out more times than I remember. I've believed the lies in hope that this time it would be different.
He works away and before he left thus time he told me he had self excluded so he wouldnt be able to go on and spend all the money. He would be coming home with more or less 2 full months wages.
Yet here we are this close to Christmas with 3 kids and has now admitted he's gambled all the money. On online roulette.
Luckily I have sorted the kids Christmas myself so they won't go without. But I'm so upset that he can't put us or even just the kids first for once.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel as though yes he has told me. But the way he does it is by making me feel bad for him.
I'm just so lost right now and as much as I love him, I don't know if I can carry on like this anymore.
The debt is huge now. The kids are missing out on so much because I just can't afford it. Yet every month he gambles his wage away more or less the day he gets it.
I'm scared that if I leave he will get worse. But if I stay it's effecting the kids so much it's not fair.
My own mental health is so bad now because of it.
I've found GA groups around here and gave him the details. But he just says he will do it himself, yet never does. He says he's ashamed and wants to make it better yet nothing changes.
Family and friends know what's going on, they can see how much strain it puts on me but he doesn't seem to care.
I just don't know how to help. Or where to turn to now.
Sorry for the long post I just needed somewhere to get it off my chest rather than trying to pretend everything is fine. When the reality is it's far from fine. We have a wedding to pay for now. And if I'm honest I can't see it happening because there's just no money.
Would a ultimatum of its your family or gambling work? Or just make things worse...
I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time. I've only been with a cg for just under a year but the lies and uncertainty have left me reeling! You need to look after yourself and your children, I'm not sure an ultimatum would work. Until I googled cg I had no idea that gambling could be so destructive for anyone involved in the life of a cg. Perhaps you really need to think about getting married until he looks like he is accepting some help. Take care.
The lies and his way of making me feel bad for him are really just out of hand if I'm honest.
I spent most of today trying to work things out money wise and sitting in tears while he was trying to make me feel bad because I said it's down to him and I have zero money to sort it. His is our only income as I don't work, so I get tax credits and child benefit and that's what me and the kids try to live off as well as pay bills and keep the house going.
The wedding got booked when things seemed to be better. He didn't actually propose to me, he just booked the wedding. But I've told him it can't happen if this is what life is going to be like.
Everytime I think he's doing well and he's got it under control it just gets out of hand again and the more lies he tells me. I can see through the lies now but at times it's easier to just go along with them than argue and be the one made out to be being unreasonable.
But just trying to have a proper conversation about it is so hard. He shuts me down and find me off as if I'm making it a bigger deal than what it is. But I'm really not. He earns a really good wage, we should be able to live very comfortably and have nice things but roulette gets it's all.
Turns out he has actually self excluded but got round it by setting up a account in my name with my details!
He gets home on Thursday, I should be excited but right now I'm not. I don't even want to look at him. This was supposed to be a exciting run up to Christmas as it's our babies first one but I just feel like he's took all the excitement away now. Yet somehow he's making out it's my fault because I can't get money to bail him out!
Welcome to the forum Mel.
Sorry to see you struggling with a compulsive gambling partener. The fact is, from what you have written, he just doesn't want to or isn't ready to do what he needs to to stop. As a recoverying CG myself i've been in the position of telling myself i can stop this and im in control but it took many continuing years gambling and losing a lot of money, maxing out my credit sources to finally see that i can't stop and i can't control it. I gambled borrowed money from family though i have no dependants, i know i could have been in your partners position.
Once i was ready to stop i did EVERYTHING i could do to support my recovery. I was fully open and honest, gave up control of finanaces, blocked access etc. Until then, as much as i know you don't want to hear this but, he won't stop.
You need to look after yourself. You shouldn't be worried or scared of what he will say or do to the feelings and worries you have due to his actions. Protect the money you have and make sure he can't get you into debt. You can get support with meetings for partners of CG's to help you deal with this. There are a few members on here that can tell you a lot more about the other side with regards to that. There is support on here for you if you need to get it off your chest just keep posting.
There is help for you both if you and/or him need it!
All the best.
Hi Mel I'm so sad and angry to see this. The first thing to do is not give him anymore money. Then find out what he's doing in your name, gambling or credit. Do credit checks, clearscore, Experian. Find a gamanon meeting, get help and support for you. Contact stepchange about debt and the gambling in your name. Everything is totally confidential and they will know what to do. He should handover his finances and sign up to gamstop. If he's not willing to stop you need to ask yourself how much more can you take? Ignoring someone's gambling habit is not going to end well. It's progressive, the debts get worse, damage to relationships and mental health. His manipulation, lies, mood swings are all results of addiction. Please don't ignore this get some real help and support.
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