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MrsB
 MrsB
(@mrsb)

Hi all

New user here 🙂

Im almost certain my husband is addicted to day trading (using stock markets such as Forex) but would really welcome some advice

I think he's been day trading for approx 18 months

Im think it may have started when his small business ran into problems he had taken out a large loan £20k I think which  he couldn't afford to pay and had also missed many payments with creditors and HMRC he had a company car which was repossessed last October due to non payment he is in the process of closing the business down and had since got a job which I thought was great but hadn't realised he had debts business and personal of about £50k which he is very much ignoring despite debt management advice to go bankrupt

He keeps telling me the stock market will give him the money to pay off the debts and enable us to buy our own house (currently renting) money is quite tight for us but he keeps paying money into the stock market each month I think he has paid in about £10k over 18months and lost every penny but keeps saying next month will be different but it never is

This month he paid his monthly petrol allowance into the stock market (he has a 60 mile round trip to work daily) so has about £30 left for the month 

He constantly pays in money he can't afford and leaves himself short last month he broke his glasses (can't see without them) he had no money so I paid for new glasses on the agreement he would pay me back but hasn't been able to manage it 

In December he asked me to help with the cost of buying a second hand car so he could get to his new job he said he would pay back in installments but never did but somehow has found money for the stock market 

This month im sure I'll have to pay for his petrol otherwise he won't be able to get to work

The stress of the debts plus the day trading has really taken a toll on me I had to take time out of work with depression and anxiety I live in fear of bailiffs coming to our house and him paying all his money into the stock market leaving us unable to pay household bills 

I've encouraged him to get help but he keeps refusing he doesn't see it as a problem family have also spoken to him but he just brushes everyone off

I did ask him to leave the family home on Thursday I don't really want him to go I love him  we have 2 children but don't think I can keep living like this he lies to me all the time telling me he's not trading when he is and he tells me he won't stop or go bankrupt I hoped me saying this might motivate him to look at things differently but it doesn't feel like it has 

What do I do? Do you see this as a problem too?

Thanks in anticipation sorry for the long post 

 

Quote
Posted : 12th May 2019 7:43 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi Mrs B! Yes a problem no doubt. My husband was the same. The problem is if he has 'a position ' he still has to pay a margin call which is smaller than the overall debt. So if this is the case, he's holding out for the market to change and his 'position ' to start making money. Until this happens he still pays the margin call. So it looks to you like a 'trade' but to him not. At the time I had no clue until the margin call was beyond his means. Unknown to me he still kept the position. It was very costly. You cannot be sure unless he's honest about what he's doing. A gambler cannot face the loss and continues waiting for a win. This is how the addiction progresses. Until they face the fact that they aren't the 'high roller' they think they could be, this continues in the same or different forms of gambling. It affects their mental health and as you already know, ours too. It's insanity. I would suggest you get credit reports (Experian, clearscore, mse). Keep your finances separate. Seek help and support from gamcare,and a gamanon meeting. Ask questions and whoever sees your thread will offer their experience or advice. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th May 2019 2:48 pm
jobey
(@jobey)

Dear Mrs B,

I am sorry for what you are going through. I am a new user and going through pretty much the same.  I am also a Mrs B with a husband who owns his own business. We have two young children. He gambles on the stock exchange. It has come to light he has been gambling throughout our ten years of marriage and lost around £150, 000. Our entire marriage has been built on lies. He has taken so much from me and our children. His only saving grace is he has admitted he has a problem and is now seeking help.

My personal view is that if your husband is not yet in a position to see he has a serious problem, he will drag you, your children and their future down with him. Please do what you can to protect yourself and your children. Protecting your husband will only delay him taking accountability for his actions. The longer that takes the more of your life he will destroy.

BW

J x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th May 2019 2:57 pm
Cynical wife
(@cynical-wife)

Sorry to see this but your husband has an addiction to gambling. It may take the form of “trading” but spread betting is plain old gambling and his inability to stop is addiction. In some respects, spread betting is worse because the punters lose more than they deposit. My husband was also into spread betting, it sounds respectable to say that it’s on commodities but his definition of “commodities” definitely included the outcome of sporting events. In other words, he lied, as all active gamblers do.

What to do? Move your focus away from him and over to you. It’s not about you getting him to stop (you can’t), it’s about you learning how to address the situation that you’re in, it’s about you getting help for you. Don’t wait for him to acknowledge his problem, look at your own situation because you can help yourself. Start regular GamAnon meetings as soon as possible and I always recommend CoDA meetings as well to learn how to look after yourself.

CW

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th May 2019 2:59 pm
MrsB
 MrsB
(@mrsb)

Thanks so much for your reply merry go round I find the whole thing so frustrating

I just can't seem to get through to him it's driving me crazy he has a way of making it sound like it's my fault he lies to me he says it's because I don't support him I often say how can I support you to walk a road of destruction 

We have separate bank accounts never had a joint one my worry is if he stops transferring me money for the household bills (which he did a while back) I won't be able to manage everything I had to take out a loan when this happened to make sure everything was being paid

I was thinking of calling the helpline on here later to see what they suggest

Can I go to meetings or are they more for the person who is gambling? Do you have any experience of the meetings? Im a little nervous about it all 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th May 2019 3:11 pm
MrsB
 MrsB
(@mrsb)

Hi CW thanks for your reply

Every time I try and "forget" this is happening and concentrate on me and the kids another debt letter comes through the post or I find out he's paid more money in   

I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster some day I hate him and hate what he's doing to our family other days I just want to hug him and make it all go away 

I'm so nervous about the idea of going to a group but think I may have to I have no idea how this is going to get better unless he changes his mindset and sees he has a problem 

Im worried this whole thing is going to tear our family apart yet he doesn't seem to care 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th May 2019 3:33 pm
Lethe
(@lethe)

Sorry to see this.

Yes, it's a problem. Unfortunately there is nothing you can say or do to make him stop and left unaddressed an active gambling addict can take everyone around down with them. Bailing them out (paying for his fuel or his car is a bailout) just extends the agony for everyone. It leaves him free to gamble without consequences because he has a safety net. Not acting on ultimatums reinforces that he can prioritise gambling without consequences.

You're right in saying it's no way to live. He may decide to stop tomorrow. He may never decide to stop. You can't influence that. Instead think hard about what you want and how how you want your life to be. Life with an active addict will never match up.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th May 2019 8:19 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Meetings are a good way to get support. People face to face is much better. You have to help yourself and learn how to survive. Don't be nervous everyone has been in your shoes at some point.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th May 2019 9:53 pm
MrsB
 MrsB
(@mrsb)

Thanks Merry go round I really appreciate the support x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th May 2019 11:17 pm
MrsB
 MrsB
(@mrsb)

Hi Jobey

I'm so sorry to hear what's happening to you that must be devastating

I hope your husband is making progress in his recovery

The worst thing for me is the lies he tells me and that he can't look at the situation logically despite me and his family telling him the plain facts of the situation

We have seperate accounts so he can't access my wages but how else can I protect myself?

I did ask him to leave the family home but I don't want to break our family up but not sure I can keep living like this 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th May 2019 11:28 pm
MrsB
 MrsB
(@mrsb)

Hi Lethe 

It's so frustrating we can't make plans for the future we can't do anything with all this debt and him still gambling on the stock market I can't believe he would put making money before us

It's taking such a toll on our relationship  I'm running out of patience with him 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th May 2019 11:43 pm
Cynical wife
(@cynical-wife)

Hi, Mrs B,

Moving the focus over to you does not mean ignoring the gambling until the next debt collector’s letter arrives. It means looking at your situation as a whole, the way you’re living your life with a husband who isn’t present and who behaves like any other addict, the financial insecurity, it means facing up to your reality and deciding what changes if any you are going to make to your life, for your own benefit, because you are worth it. Doing nothing is a choice.

Focusing on yourself means making the decisions that are best for you, without being distracted by what you think the addict needs.

Meetings are anonymous, all members of the group are there because they have the same problem and the members support each other from a position of getting it. GA is for gamblers, GamAnon is for the loved ones.

You’ve commented that he has no logic. The common experience in GamAnon is that there’s a person and there’s an addiction and at different times the addiction takes over the person. The addiction has no logic and no rationale and no sense. So when you try to talk sensibly with an addiction, you’re met with nonsense and you get nowhere. Better not to engage, if you find yourself talking to an addiction. Back off and get out of the way, otherwise you’ll just end up being manipulated. 

CW

ReplyQuote
Posted : 13th May 2019 11:08 am
MrsB
 MrsB
(@mrsb)

Thank you CW

I'm really struggling with it all and at times think this can't possibly be happening

I like how you have explained about the person and the addiction that makes a lot of sense to me sometimes it can almost feel like normal and everything is ok I suppose that's the person other times I'm knocking my head against the wall with him I suppose that's the addiction 

I have no idea what to do I don't want to keep going on like this but equally the thought of us seperating is so painful 

Thanks for explaining about the group's 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 13th May 2019 11:33 am
Cynical wife
(@cynical-wife)

It’s not about separation or staying, it’s about you learning a better way to live, learning better responses to addictive nonsense, getting the strength to change your situation. None of it is overnight.

The best place to start is regular meetings.

CW

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 13th May 2019 1:29 pm
MrsB
 MrsB
(@mrsb)

Thank you CW I really do appreciate the support 

I'll look into the meetings a and see if there is anything near by I can go to 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 13th May 2019 10:44 pm
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