So I posted here January 2018 having found out my partner had been gambling for years and lost thousands.
Fast forward 18 months and I am in the process of purchasing a house. He was refused a mortgage so I have gone for it in my sole name.
I have needed to provide bank statements to the Solicitors showing where the money for deposit is coming from. Partner is providing the deposit funds of 15k. He has been reluctant to show me his statements and I practically had to tell him we won't get the house unless I see. Low and behold there it was a bet for £500 during the cricket. Despite him telling me he hasn't betted since January 2018.
I have only found out because he had no choice but to show me the bank statement.
I don't understand how someone can be a gambler yet not touch the 15k for 18 months.
I would really appreciate any advice right now.
He tells me he hasn't got a problem as he would have blown the deposit..can gamblers have self restraint?
I have no idea what to do or think.
Hi Decisions 10,
Welcome back to the Forum.
You have started a conversation with your partner and it is probably a good idea to continue this talk over time. You say that it has become difficult to trust him after he had been hiding his gambling problem before.
A gambling problem usually doesn't go away by itself, especially when a person continues to gamble and this seems to be the case with your partner. At the moment you are still in the process of building trust and this is a two way process. Maybe your partner could do his part on this journey by being open about money and gambling and by asking you to look after his money for a while, particularly as you have plans together.
You say that he had gambled for years and lost thousands, which he had kept from you.
Trust your own judgment and maybe contact us to talk this through in person either on the Helpline or Netline https://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/talk-to-us-now/
Our services are open from 8 am to midnight every day.
Absolutely agree with trust your instinct. If he was a compulsive gambler and quit for 18 months without a recovery program (counselling, GA etc) it is more likely the addiction didn't disappear ... it was just dormant. Once awoken as with his bet on the cricket it is unlikely to be a one off.
Try and find some support for yourself through Gam Anon or Gamcare. Support and learning what you can about addiction will help.
Thank you for your replies. He is refusing to discuss it with me properly. I have requested all bank statements for the last year and he is making every excuse to not give them to me but has said once I see it will cause huge consequences so I have my answer that it wasn't a one off. He's gone from roulette, to football, to spending large sums on scratch cards and the lottery. Each time I've found out it's something different he has become addicted to.
I have been having his wages off him each month since January this year but it's clear he's not been giving the whole amount.
I just don't feel I can go through this again. Been through it too many times over the last 15 years. I will have to go through with the house purchase as it's too late to pull out but I think it's time I called it a day and let him self destruct because I'm too exhausted to keep holding me and our children up.
If I don't walk I will self destruct too and the biggest losers will be our children. Such a mess.
I think if you're honest your gut feel has been that he had been gambling. As you are no doubt aware gamblers are very manipulative and no doubt you've only been receiving a portion of his earnings, also probable debt issues.
Speaking as an outsider looking in I would reconsider the house purchase, whether saving face or not. You do not want to be tied in any further as it definitely looks like the relationship is over.
You are correct in your assumption that you deserve better. Live your life for you and the kids.
Thank you again for your response. It means a lot when I feel so lost at this moment.
I took a step last night that I have never done before. I disclosed everything to my family. They have questioned me throughout our 15 year relationship about why he hasn't provided and now they know the whole truth.
My family are going to try to support me and the children anyway they can.
I will be going ahead with the purchase. It's my sole name and mortgage and I'm going to be ending the relationship.
I feel completely broken but know I have to do this for my children. I can't sleep, have had to take time from work.
I threatened him January 2018 that I will leave if I find out he's done it again. I now have to go through with the threat and know I tried everything I could to keep our family together. Sometimes you have to admit defeat and I have been defeated.
Some really difficult months ahead for me. The hardest decision I have ever had to make and I just hope my children don't hate me once they are older.
I am so sorry Decision... such a difficult and brave decision.
Please know you did everything you could and now it's time to put yourself and your kids first. You are actually doing a very loving thing for your partner though it does not feel like it at the moment.
Your kids will never hate you.
Dear @decisions10 ,
It was a brave and wise decision to talk to your family as you need as much support as possible at this difficult time and it is great they are offering it. Please remember you need to look after yourself to get through this tough time and support is on offer from us too. 0808 802 0133 and the line is open from 8am - midnight, seven days a week. I'm sure with your support and that of the family, your children will be fine but it will take a while and at times may seem extremely difficult for you. Keep posting on the Forum and sharing your posts.
all the very best
I don't have any advice to impart, I just want to say I think you sound like an amazing mum. You are putting your kids front and centre and protecting their future, your partner has put himself first. I appreciate how difficult your situation must feel, there is no easy answer but I agree you should go with your gut instinct.
Make sure you get support for yourself, take care and stay strong x