Am i being harsh

I’m so tempted to text the dad but i don’t want to be disrespectful. He’s helped us so much and has been extremely generous with us. So i don’t know how to tell him to stop giving my partner cash notes without causing offense. 

Hi pep

you don’t have to cause offence. I’m sure at the moment cash was the first thing he thought of. Most think that once someone has stopped gambling, that’s it, they’re cured. 
You could just say, cash is a great temptation and if he’d opened the card alone you might not have known about it. In future can he send it to you.

The problem is you cannot control others. 
The good thing is your partner gave the money to you.

Remember you can’t stop someone gambling.

Try not to be affected by others behaviour.

@pep1952 I would say slightly overreacting. The giving over of money is a great thing to do initially, and some gamblers do give it away for a long time, but it is never meant to be given away for a lifetime. Ultimately your husband's recovery will rely on his honesty and any changes he makes to his character. You can help and be supportive, but he has to continue to want to keep bet free, and although slightly annoying to get cash, it isn't a massive issue or problem, especially at the moment when the various sources of gambling are closed.

Chris.

Posted by: Chris.UK

@pep1952 I would say slightly overreacting. The giving over of money is a great thing to do initially, and some gamblers do give it away for a long time, but it is never meant to be given away for a lifetime. Ultimately your husband's recovery will rely on his honesty and any changes he makes to his character. You can help and be supportive, but he has to continue to want to keep bet free, and although slightly annoying to get cash, it isn't a massive issue or problem, especially at the moment when the various sources of gambling are closed.

Chris.

Agree completely with Chris on this one. Especially around the fact that your partner’s gamble-free status will rely on his honesty. Asking for our opinion, I do not see anything wrong with the money, it’s a lovely gesture and an act of kindness. I would not be offended especially when your partner has come as far as almost 1 year gamble-free. I can only dream of that status. 106 days for me, I am not even a third into that long long road. Whilst I appreciate your frustration with it all, your partner will pull through to rise above it all by not giving in to gambling. I am sure it has been tough but you guys will be fine to continue coming through it.

@merry-go-round Thank you.  I do not wish to control him no but just thought we can reduce temptations for him.  We agreed we'll speak to his dad to say thank you for our presents and closer to his bday he'll remind him to wire the money instead if he's thinking of giving him a cash gift. This may seem like a trivial thing considering what other people go through but we have gone through so much as well that I can consider myself still traumatised by it all.  

@chris-uk Hi Chris, thank you that is actually reassuring to read.  I never controlled his money though and he was never put on an allowance. But I can check his bank and credit report anytime.

He does continue to work so hard and his sponsor actually made a comment about how dedicated he is to his recovery (he never missed any of the daily gratitude list). I guess I just don't want his family to think that it's all over now and we can just put this all behind us and forget about it all.    

@beat_gambling_today Well done on the 106 days!  I do remind my partner no matter how far he's come he needs to take it one day at a time.  He's just potentially 1 day away from the next bet so is the gambler who has been gamble free for 15 years. 

Thanks for replying to my post.  I agree that his dad was only coming from a place of love and kindness.  We owe him a lot, he's the one who opened my partner's bank statements (partner was directing all his mail to the dad's address to keep them away from me) and started the conversation about gambling addiction and the support that my partner needs.  He also required my partner to come clean to me, something that I really appreciate and am very grateful for.   He paid for my partner's debts but my partner pays him back every month.  If not for him, I dread to think where my partner will be now and how ruined his life will be. He's a very reasonable man but I hope he continues to take the addiction seriously so that we can support my partner better.

Posted by: Pep1952

@beat_gambling_today Well done on the 106 days!  I do remind my partner no matter how far he's come he needs to take it one day at a time.  He's just potentially 1 day away from the next bet so is the gambler who has been gamble free for 15 years. 

Thanks for replying to my post.  I agree that his dad was only coming from a place of love and kindness.  We owe him a lot, he's the one who opened my partner's bank statements (partner was directing all his mail to the dad's address to keep them away from me) and started the conversation about gambling addiction and the support that my partner needs.  He also required my partner to come clean to me, something that I really appreciate and am very grateful for.   He paid for my partner's debts but my partner pays him back every month.  If not for him, I dread to think where my partner will be now and how ruined his life will be. He's a very reasonable man but I hope he continues to take the addiction seriously so that we can support my partner better.

 

Sounds like a good story with a happy ending that will remain happy and he sounds like a good man in all honesty. Good luck with everything you have nothing to worry about ❤️

Hi

Yes its a bit of an overreaction but I understand the worry behind it.

You will have a strong sixth sense and you know him and so will know if anything is unusual. That is the main monitoring block and there is a fine balance of not making him feel totally uneasy about it all.

He should be building a pride and comfortable to talk about his feelings

There will be times when things like that happen...a colleague might give him some expenses at work for example...You cant be 100% on everything beyond your control but you will be building a picture on how he is handling abstention and any signs of rattling.

That seems an innocent mistake and nice gesture in many ways. I know you are generally doing the right thing but you dont want to scare him into thinking he cant even open a card from his dad...he might get jumpy and start thinking he is a big baby so whats the point

Its not easy what you are doing so my full respect to you. 

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

I am 100% behind the very balanced view from Joydivider on this.  Your (accurate) 6th sense overrides all. There is a price to pay for fulfilment and future happiness. He may feel a bit emasculated but "so what". It's about the bigger picture. And, for the record, my finances are managed by my wife.  She would have the exact same reaction as you.   It's about being pragmatic and stoic.  From the (recovering) gambling addict side of the fence, I'm with you 100%.  

Recovering gambling addicts, such as myself, and indeed, your partner, are totally different people away from this addiction. We can be our true selves. I won't speak for myself but I've met some genuine, wonderful people here on Gamcare, those of us who accept the reality of our addiction and want to stop.   Your partner is among us. Why take a risk, however small, that knocks him, us, off this path.

We want to keep it this way. In my opinion, it's a price worth paying. I'm with you. It's more than "tough love". It's love.

Posted by: Pep1952

Hi guys

I’m a bit upset, my partner got a belated xmas card on the post from his dad. He opened it with me and it has cash in it as a gift. It’s not a lot but i was so upset because i was expecting his family to be more supportive and to take this addiction more seriously. My heart sank and i almost feel like crying. My partner initially said i was overreacting, he won’t gamble it ‘obviously’. But after seeing my face and how upset i was my partner said he’ll speak to his dad about it. He gave me the cash and i just wired the amount to his Monzo account.

I get it that it’s a family tradition for his dad to put cash notes inside a card as a gift. Last year he didn’t do it and instead put gift vouchers inside for my partner so that really reasssured me. But this year the cash is back.

I’m ok with him receiving it through his bank because i can access that. I mean what if he’s in a bad place and he opens that card without me? I know he’s not in a bad place, he’s really working so hard to be clean, he’ll be gamble free for a year in a few days. But i told my partner we shouldn’t be complacent about this and he agrees. Hopefully he really agrees and not just to appease me.

Am i overreacting?

This exact same thing happened to my friend. Although she was so angry it started a 4 day fight,  shaming, fear, harsh accusations, reliving the event. She couldn't help it because she didn't know why this was happening. It was a trigger and they are everywhere.  If he gets gasoline for the car without her, she turns into Sherlock Holmes and the CIA because there is a lottery ticket machine inside the store. 

We as partners cannot be mothers, but we cannot wait like sitting ducks for that sucker punch we know so well. Learning why we suddenly react like this is helpful for the gambler and yourself. It's called betrayal trauma and it is awful. It is real, it is worth looking into.

Stay focused together, X

Thanks for taking the time to reply @joydivider @rochg and @litteguitars I really appreciate your comments.

@littleguitars Sorry to hear your friend got into a big fight with the partner... it really is traumatic.  I feel that open and honest communication greatly helps.  I immediately told my partner that I was upset but also explained why I was feeling that way.  I think he knows I only desire what's best for him.  He also knows the trauma we both have been through because of this nasty addiction so we were able to resolve it before it escalated.