Advice please, is he still gambling

Dear @phoenix14,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting about your experience.

Things sound difficult with your partner and I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. Please contact our Helpline (0808 8020 133) or Netline (www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/talk-to-us-now) for additional support.

Kind regards,

Elizabeth
Forum Admin

Hi Pheonix,

I am a compulsive gambler.

My thoughts go out to you. Without meaning to sound disrespectful, your partner doesn't sound like a very nice person at all and yes from what you say its highly likely that he is still gambling. Ask yourself whether you are living in an abusive relationship? Trust your gut instincts. The thing is you can't change him, in fact its not your job to try and change him and i wouldn't even try. You will only have more heart ache and pain.

Specifically on the gambling, never ever sort out a problem gamblers debts. By doing this you absolve him of the responsibility whilst he goes back to isolate himself and play on his play station. If he wants to stop gambling he would register himself with gamstop which would then block his online accounts but from what you say he has no intention of stopping.

From what you say and in your shoes I would exit stage left as soon as possible, but I appreciate that life is a lot more complicated than that. If you do stay then look after yourself. Separate finances. No bailouts. Firm boundaries about what you are prepared to accept and what you are not. gambling addiction is very similar to a drug addiction, treat it as such.

Am sure that will get some replies from others in similar situations, whom can relate more than i can. Your not alone thats for sure.

christ alive how old is this bloke ? 

it sounds like you are married to a stroppy teenager with a gambling problem 

you need to give him a straight up ultimatum  either sort your s**t out or your breaking up 

end of story 

Hi Phoenix I'm wife of a compulsive gambler. From what you've said it sounds as if he has many issues. A compulsive gambler is a compulsive liar. They can be addicted to many things. I find my cg has obsessive behaviour. 

There is no point asking a cg if they're gambling they will lie. Trust yourself whatever he's doing you are not happy. This is about you, look after you, stop worrying what he's doing. Safeguard your finances and don't pay his debts, nothing joint.

compulsive gambling is about mental health. Isolation, secrecy, denial are all common traits. Encourage him to seek help. He can download blocking software, join gamstop. Has GA moved online? This is a time when meetings are not happening in person.

gamcare and Gamanon are places you can seek help and support. Online look at the websites. 

You can also talk on here and hopefully others will offer their experience.

Thanks so much for your replies. 

Yes he is very much like a teenager but has no insight into this when I speak to him about it. 

After the second time I realised he was gambling, that's when I realised how serious it was and I protected all my finances and the house is mine anyway (he never had any money to buy a house with me). I read up alot about it including these forums and haven't bailed him out since the first time. Naively I previously thought sorting his debts would give him a clean slate and fresh start to move on. I also found out his parents had been bailing him out for years but they never realised he had a gambling issue. This also helped him to keep his financial issues a secret from me.

He did say he had blocked all his accounts when he started GA meetings over a year ago, I don't know how easy it is to unblock them. If he is still gambling I can't help him because he won't admit it. I no actual proof that is either. But I suppose it doesn't matter really if he is or isn't as his behaviour hasn't changed and our relationship is beyond repair. 

I read others posts and all I think it get out, get out now and you are being manipulated and emotionally abused because that is what this illness does. 

So I have listened to myself and ended our relationship. I feel sad that someone I loved so much did this to me and I never really knew him because our relationship was based on a bed of lies that he managed to hide for years. However I feel such a relief that I've made a decision and now I free to move on.

Hi Phoenix look after yourself. This may not be the last you hear from him. Stay strong and keep your boundaries. I have read a few books recently about boundaries in relationships. Plus 'women who love too  much ' was a real eye opener. Take care

Hi Pheonix14,

 I'm sorry to read your story. Unfortunately just stopping gambling doesn't solve everything, in fact it can often highlight traits in ourselves and others which were hidden before in our gambling. Talking as a compulsive gambler, when I was gambling free I would be open and honest with my wife, but as soon as I relapsed I went back to old ways. I lied, I was moody over things that would reveal my gambling, I would be argumentative and secretive.

It is possible that when your partner went to G.A he could have just stopped, a lot of people do, but a lot of people also struggle to stay stopped. His behaviour suggests that he has gone back to it.

Make sure he doesn't have access to your money and is accountable for his bills which affect you. Make sure they are paid.

A lot of G.A meetings have a gam-anon meeting attached to them so you could try to get help from a partner of another member. Some groups also have whatsapp groups for the partners to help each other and realise that you're not alone.

My wife ultimately found the strength to kick me out and live her own life and some years down the line that was the right thing to do. She is happy now and that was ultimately the right course of action. It took many years for her to do it because I would always promise never to do it again but my addiction was greater than my love for her.

Look after yourself.

Chris.