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shoes85
(@shoes85)

Hi there, this is my first post on here but need some advice.  I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years, I found out several years ago about his gambling problem when he had racked up debt from payday loans and was in a right mess.  He was doing really well, he payed of the debts and things were doing great until I found out recently he has been gambling again and has now more debt.  I have took over his finances, have access to his bank accounts, blocked him from online gambling and from our local gambling shops.  If there anything else I need to be thinking about? Is going to counselling an idea?  I feel so down about all this and find it difficult to understand as I have never gambled.  I feel a bit of a mug for being with him despite this, I feel betrayed and I hate no being able to trust him.  I feel like I am dealing with this on my own.  Any help or suggestions? 

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Posted : 12th August 2019 12:00 am
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hi and welcome to the forum.

You are in the right place. You havent caused this problem and you will need support and advice.

You can help him only from a position of strength. You need to be thinking about gambling as a drug addiction and national scandal of monumental proportions.

Gamblers are not inherently bad people. They are victims of deregulation, advertising and ultimately their own minds.

You need to be strong to handle this and you need to learn about the signs that he is ready for a born again moment of pure relief. This addiction doesnt want to let people go.

In the meantime you lend nothing and keep control of all finances...he is going on a sandwich allowance Im afraid...not to treat him like a baby...to save his life...How he responds will show if he understands how serious this all is

So you need to reach out for all the help and advice. A gam anon meeting will open your eyes because you need them wide open.

It can be beaten but there is never room for complacency. I have gained the knowledge to know whether he is ready. You too will learn that knowledge over time

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

This post was modified 1 week ago 2 times by Joydivider
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Posted : 12th August 2019 3:49 pm
bluerose
(@bluerose)

Hi @shoes85 I certainly dont have the answers but you're most definitely not alone, myself and many others are in the same situation. Highly recommend seeking support for you, I've been referred to counselling through GamCare and this forum is also fab. I've been on this rollercoaster for 3 months so far, although my hubby stopped gambling 3 months ago, he refuses any kind of help and prefers to ignore the situation he's created so I have good days and very bad days dealing with the fallout from his addiction. I'd say be prepared for the emotional side of things, and make sure you look after you. Stay strong X

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Posted : 13th August 2019 12:57 am
shoes85
(@shoes85)

Hi Thanks for your reply and support, it’s difficult isn’t it, it’s not only their lives they affect its everyone gets dragged into it.  I feel like my life is on hold for some reason why we sort it out and I hate the thought of being someone’s “mum” with money when I want someone to be my equal, but I don’t really have a choice. I know what you mean my boyfriend I think realises there is an issue but doesn’t want to try counselling or anything which I find difficult plus the selfishness of the addiction also.  I ask myself can I be with someone for the rest of my life always dealing with this addiction. 

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Posted : 13th August 2019 1:14 am
Holly_20
(@holly_20)
He was doing really well, he payed of the debts and things were doing great until I found out recently he has been gambling again and has now more debt.  I have took over his finances, have access to his bank accounts, blocked him from online gambling and from our local gambling shops.  If there anything else I need to be thinking about? 

@shoes85

i have also taken the credit card of which he paid off last month and this month his getting rid of his over draft on his current account of which I also have the card too. He uses Apple Pay on his phone so it’s just difficult to get cash out. So mines doing well too, apart from me finding out that when he showed me ages ago that he shut down an online bet site little did I know he had about 4! So he defiantly kept one open because I found out the other day his “friend” uses it because I asked why some money went into his account.

id like to know how you blocked him from online sites and local betting shops as this is going to be something I’d like to do too but how!? 

If anyone else has any other ideas let me know. 

He tells me I’m trying to control him but I’m not I’m just trying to fix someone who is broken but he throws it back in my face sometimes which is the hardest part. The worst is his “friends” around him that also do it and that ask for money from him which he can’t afford to give them! 

I am having sessions from the end of August and I have him the number yesterday. Let’s see what happens. 

Defiantly not on your own though. 

 

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Posted : 13th August 2019 8:48 am
Sunflower05
(@sunflower05)

Hi there, 

I totally understand how you feel. I have recently found out my boyfriend is gambling again and in severe debt and am heartbroken. 

I would love to know what software people use for gambling sites and how to block from a bookies? 

Thinking of you and sending you strength!

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Posted : 13th August 2019 12:40 pm
Vamp
 Vamp
(@vamp)

I would credit check him to make sure you know everything. I hid stuff and this was the only way it came out.

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Posted : 13th August 2019 4:11 pm
shoes85
(@shoes85)

Thanks for that I have done that after I read it somewhere else. 

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Posted : 13th August 2019 6:27 pm
shoes85
(@shoes85)

Hi many thanks for your reply and help, I have access to his emails so I went into all the online accounts and just blocked him for many years so he can’t access the websites.  The trouble is new ones come up all the time, I just will keep checking his bank account and every payday I will take his money.  If you login into them you can block people, I did this the first time I found out about his gambling as then it was all online.  Now the issue is the betting shops I phoned the helpline and they gave me an email address and phone number I think which you call and they take his details and you then send pictures in to them and then they circulate this to the local shops, or wherever he has been gambling if that makes sense.  He has to be on board though because he had to call and do it, I sat there and listened while he did it.  Google it I’m sure you will be able to find the number if not let me know and I will have a look for you. 

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Posted : 13th August 2019 6:35 pm
Jodie
(@jodie)

Hi this is my first post and i could have written everything shoes85 has said. I just can’t cope. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. There are days that are better than others but in general I can’t handle his denial that “it’s not that bad” and the lack of consideration for how his actions effect me. I have 3 kids and I’m mentally and physically exhausted by him. I just want him to be remorseful for the stress he causes and appreciate the effort I put in on a daily basis  holding everything together. I know that sounds selfish and I know he’s the one with the problem and he needs the help and it’s not about me but I'm really struggling to get through each day when he’s like this. He’ll do anything to avoid admitting he’s causing problems. 

This post was modified 7 days ago by Jodie
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Posted : 14th August 2019 9:26 am
Jodie
(@jodie)

I used Gamstop but there are sites that are not registered with it (which he managed to find) so it’s not fool proof but it does prevent online accounts being opened on the majority of sites for different lengths of time. (Max 5 years). 

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Posted : 14th August 2019 10:43 am
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