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A bit guilty  

 
Pep1952
(@pep1952)

Hi there

 
Feeling a bit guilty, i’m a partner of a recovering gambling addict. He’s 95 days GF. Recently he’s been very busy with work spending hours beyond 5pm on his work laptop to sort out stuff at work. This made me feel unsettled. Checked his bank act for any suspicious activity (he’s on Monzo w a gambling block) it’s clear. Checked his credit report for any hard searches in case he took up a loan and then created a different bank account to pay it to, also clear. I found nothing. Then i overheard him talking to his boss on the phone about work stuff - he was indeed swamped with a big task at work. I was relieved but also felt so guilty for suspecting he was up to something. I do know i should never ever be complacent but am i being fair by being skeptical about everything?? 
Quote
Posted : 24th May 2020 5:53 pm
Libbyuk87
(@libbyuk87)

Well first off I am glad your partner has not gambled..as a gambler myself I know how hard it is to stay gf. At this current time with lockdown etc life is much harder and so I can see why you may worry..but now you have checked and can see he isn't gambling maybe your trust has been more instilled and so everytime you do worry and he proves he isn't doing anything, you will eventually not feel the doubt or need to check. 

I hope he never relapses but he obviously is trying his best and to get to 95days ( and still not actually gambling ) is an amazing achievement 

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Posted : 24th May 2020 6:12 pm
Chris.UK
(@chris-uk)

Hello.

You shouldn't feel guilty. I guess his gambling was secret and came out of the blue, so it's perfectly normal to be untrusting. Weigh up how long he gambled for compared to how long he has been gf? I'm guessing his gambling, lying and secrets were a lot longer so don't beat yourself up. 95 days is good but it's just the start.

From his point of view it might not even be an issue as he's getting on with his life but you've got to deal with the fallout from his announcement. It's not easy on you but good communication between you both may help you you feel less worried than you currently are.

At the moment with the lockdown and Monza he's fairly safe but you could always ask for GameStop to be put in place to give you a bit more peace of mind.

Chris.

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Posted : 24th May 2020 6:14 pm
Pep1952
(@pep1952)

Thanks Chris. He’s also on gamstop and this saved him a month ago when his urge was so strong. He has been gambling all his adult life almost 15 years (knew him for the past 5). Since his confession, i noticed we do communicate much better with each other and I can see he’s really working so hard on his recovery. He’s on his 12 step programme (his sponsor is great) and enjoys the GA meetings also.
I’m a bit worried when they relax the lockdown when sports are back etc (although his main thing is online roulette) but this is something we need to face.
Thanks for the reassuring message. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th May 2020 6:54 pm
Chris.UK
(@chris-uk)

Hi again,

Sounds like you're okay for a little bit then and he's doing well. Don't beat yourself up though, it's not on you, it's on him to prove himself to you.

I agree, when this lockdown opens then there is potential but as long as he keeps with his GA and doing the steps he should be okay. It's unusual to do the steps so early into abstinence but  as long as he's getting the support needed to do it then that will give him another barrier. My steps work has been life changing, literally, so I fully endorse it.

All the best,

Chris.

 

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Posted : 24th May 2020 7:07 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

No Thats fine pep

What harm have you done him by caring enough to make sure.

If he understands the born again moment he wont really want all your trust. You continue to be firm but fair with him as he needs your guidance and support

I would say check everything in fine detail if you want to. Its for his benefit...you are not snooping for the wrong reasons and you both need to keep talking it through at healthy intervals

its important that all larger amounts are kept safe so life savings and larger amounts should be under your control. Anything that can cause real damage should be with you

You are doing this to protect him. Keep a sixth sense going. he should feel proud about explaining any doubts.

Please remember you can never be complacent. You cant monitor him every minute but you would sort of know anyway. You have to balance your love and moral support but never let it be a blind love as thats no good for either of you.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

 

 

This post was modified 2 months ago by Joydivider
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Posted : 24th May 2020 10:59 pm
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