Hi,
Looking for some advice as to when is the right time to tell a new partner about my gambling addiction.
I had a relapse into gambling roughly 12 months ago following going 7 years without a bet. This led to me splitting with my wife and getting divorced. I have not gambled since and attend GA meetings regularly.
I have started dating again and met someone new that I really like, we have been dating for nearly 3 months. I have not yet told her about my gambling addiction and am struggling with when is the right time to do this. I still have a significant amount of debt that I am paying off and because of the gambling no savings left to speak of.
I know I need to tell her as she will find out at some point down the line (if it progressed to the point of moving in together etc) and also I want to be honest with her from the beginning as I know how destructive hiding the truth about yourself can become. I'm struggling with the right timing for this conversation. Don't want to scare her off by having the conversation too early but equally don't want to leave things until they potentially get serious and for her to feel like I've hidden something so important from her. She also has a 7 year old son so I want her to go into things with her eyes open.
Wonder if anyone else has been through the same situation here? Would certainly welcome some advice.
Thanks
It is a hard one to answer. I do not believe it is a good thing to talk about at all. Reason for it is the lack of understanding from people who simply do not understand the issue and do not want the problem. We have a fight flight brain. Run away or withdraw is much more commonly used than fighting for something. To try an evaluate that someone is going to say. Well of course I support you through this type of addiction (economical) is just naive, regardless of what they tell you in GA about being honest with everyone. IF she/he has the same experience that would be a different story. So my answer is don't do it unless you haven't got another choice. You will not do yourself any favours.
Use this as a way of acting responsibly towards your partner instead. To keep yourself on the straight and narrow so that you DON'T relapse. That is the best advice I can give and I have lost 2 families to addiction.
I wish you well!
C
I told my partner very early. We really connected from the very beginning and it was important to me that I held myself honest in every area and opened myself up to give her the story of my journey to us meeting. I was over 3 years gamble free at the time but my past is still what it was and my recovery was and remains built on my true core values of honesty and integrity. Something my addiction very much destroyed me by removing.
She appreciated my honesty and opened up her self. No one is lacking a past, we all make mistakes but we don't all end up working on setting them right.
We have been together ever since and are getting married in less than 5 months time.
The fact you are asking the question means you want to but we all fear the consequences. Stopping gambling feels like that at first. We don't have a choice right? If things are serious between you and you feel that she feels that too, then to me you have to build strong foundations or when things come out it all falls down anyway. You will always worry.
All the best
Hi
When in action I lied to the concequences of my gambling and unhealthy habits.
Why did I lie then, now I understand it was the fear of rejection and abandonment and rejection.
The person I needed to get with was myself.
The gambling the addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was escaping in my fears.
The longer you leave being honest the harder it was gets.
The recovery program will help you heal your pains once youa re able to abstain from unhealthy habits.
When I gambled I was going to work for nothing.
I was wasting my time and energy but also being less connected with people that loved me.
The more time and effort I put in to my recovery the healthier I got.
Please share how you get on.
Love healing and peace to everyone
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham UK
Its obviously not a first date conversation, but I wouldn't leave it too long. Ultimately, it will come out and it's far better that it comes from you and that it comes willingly.
Don't wait until things are serious. It's not fair on her and it will also be a lot harder for you if she ends things. Do it now. Be honest. Be open. Hope she understands. Tell her that you want her to trust you that you can beat your problem, but that trust starts with being completely honest with her.
Gambling problems thrive in deceit. Being honest and open is the only hope to beat it.
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