Hi All,
Thought an awful lot about some of the wonderful people ive met here since joining,,the ones whove given me so much support and encouragement the last few months despite having their own problems and fighting their addiction. Just recently ive thought a lot about the struggles others are facing and wishing i could fix things for them. Its strange feeling like this and having these thoughts knowing just a few months ago the only thing i gave a f--ck about was financing my next bet.
My wish list is huge now. I wish i could buy Stace a home, Invite Sarah and her brother for tea and get them talking again. Watch Signalmans 2 year old son grow up being so proud of a dad free from addiction,and see San and Bella getting over recent events and enjoying their recovery together.The list is endless.
Often when ive looked back on my life i believed i was a scumbag, a b*m and a loser. For sure ive done a lot more bad things in my life than good things. Caring about others is something quite alien to me. I cant help thinking am i just trying to re invent myself ?,or is this the real me im discovering. Someone who does have a heart and a sense of respect and caring for people other than myself.(maybe im just flattering myself in order to make excuses for the way ive lived in the past ).Nevertheless i would love to think as part of my recovery and the healing process ive finally found the real me no longer the bitter and twisted selfish man thats been poisoned by my addiction. What i do know is i now care for others in a way that i havent for so many years and believe that for every day i dont gamble i become a better person.
Just for today i wont gamble
AL
AL,
a lovely post.
Is this the real you, or are you trying to re-invent yourself ?
I'm not sure it really matters. It's the man you are today and tomorrow that counts now. Not the man you were in the past.
There was an article on recovery in the Guardian just before Xmas. It wasn't exclusively about addiction, in fact it wasn't about gambling at all, but I'm sure it will resonate with a few on here.
Particularly this bit....
“It is a process. You are never cured of this. The people who relapse tend to be the people who get complacent.”.
“For me, it is very important to connect with other people in recovery. It is a reminder that I still have to work at it."
“To me, recovery means hope. It’s re-establishing my identity, a positive identity, and having meaning to my life – and taking responsibility for it.”
If you have the time, have a scan through the comments and look for one from "Sidfishes" its not me by the way, but it felt pretty close to the bone.
Proof though, that you "can leave it behind but it takes support..... but you can change"
As ever, in unity, strength & resistance.
Oh al,
This is totally the real you! Your post has brought tears to my eyes.
You may have taken advise but you have also given it out in bucket loads! The support you have given us all has been fantastic.
Our addiction and the people we became are just that....people we became....not the real us!
I truly wish you and your family a fantastic gf 2019. This year is our year!
Sarah xx
Hi
The recovery program was going to help me heal my hurt inner child.
The recovery program was going to help me come out of myself.
Sadly if I was not willing to admit to myself that I was unhealthy I could not get better.
The addictions and the obsessions were just different ways of me escaping people life and situations.
For me escape was fear based.
The money was just the fuel for my addictions.
The money on its own was not going to get me any kind of emotional resolve or healing.
In time the hurt inner child would come out to play and live a healthy interactive life once more.
It was implied in the rooms that being selfish was unhealthy.
For me that is not so.
It was implied in the rooms that my pride would get in the way of my recovery.
The funny thing is that I have found that being healthy and being a productive person makes me feel proud of myself today.
The recovery program was a manual to healthy living.
The recovery program was an eye opener in helping me seeing myself as a very unhealthy person.
Beating myself up and calling myself names was very unhealthy.
The addictions and the obsessions were just the symptoms that I was a very emotionally vulnerable person.
Every time I went against my own conscience and against spiritual values I was causing myself pains.
The importance of my recovery is to become selfish, my recovery comes first.
All the time I am not looking at myself and looking at other people I am not helping myself.
How much can I learn today.
Do I write down my wants today.
Do I write down my needs today.
Do I write down my goals today.
At the end of each day I ask myself was it a productive day.
How can I improve myself and my relationships with myself and with other people.
Do my actions and my words demonstrate healthy interactions today.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Great post and proof that we can turn our addiction into a positive. The person I was before gambling was uphappy, not with my life which was great, but internally and in my perception of myself and how others thought of me.
Hi HertsC,
The post you're reading is 13 months old. Do i feel any different ?. Absolutely not, i still try & care for others in a way i never cared whilst in the grip of addiction. CGs believe it's all about us. It isn't because we've touched & infected the lives of so many others. There isn't anyone in this world i wouldn't have trampled on in order to finance my next bet.
It doesn't matter how old, what religion, colour or creed it's all about the damage not only we do to ourselves but to those who've loved , supported and stood by us throughout our inability to say no to the next gamble. The truth is addiction has no conscience and no sense of understanding of the hurt we inflict on others. No Cg gets cured over night and no Cg can ever say Never Again. I met a wonderful guy who joined this forum around the same time as i did. He gave me the best ever advice when he told me to wake up 1 day at a time & say to myself " Just For Today I Won't Gamble ". I can NEVER change the past, but i can be better than the person i once was.
Best Wishes
AL
Good morning Al.
thank you so much for popping onto my diary and for your words of wisdom. I am definitely not afraid of letting old things go. In fact it feels like an important step in my recovery journey. I fill my brain with meaningful thoughts and emotions now. That’s not to say that they are always good, but they are just a normal response to life.
I hope that you have been able to get some support for the issue you raised in the chat room. I will be around in chat if you want to talk at any time.
have a good day x
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