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Stace86
(@stace86)

Well to say the last couple of weeks have been extremely difficult would be an understatement to say the least 🙁

My sleep has been worse than usual and I'm struggling to manage simple everyday tasks.

Had a bit of an obsession with Facebook raffles and scratchcards, didn't think for one second they would become a problem but they slowly are so I'm trying hard to stop, but It takes me away from the pain and hurt I'm feeling, distracts me, makes me focus on them instead of life 😕 at least I'm unable to gamble online, which was my original problem. Gamstop has thanks for that or I seriously would have no money with the way I feel, I know 100% if it wasnt for gamstop I'd gamble all my money away. 

At the moment I'm at a point were I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. People seem out to humiliate and embarrass me, which is so unfair and cruel. I've nearly always been able to be honest about how I feel, but now feel like I can't even do that, and now I have to keep all my feelings to myself 😭

Summer holidays are coming up, and I really worry about them and how I will get through them. 

Hope everyone is doing ok. Sorry for being quiet lately (and if I've come across as rude due to my silence on chat). And hi to any newcomers. 

Stacey

This topic was modified 2 months ago by Stace86
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Posted : 6th July 2019 7:58 am
Sarah1976
(@sarah1976)

Hi stace

 

sorry you are going through a really tough time.  You are not rude in chats. You probably can’t get a word in with everyone chatting.  Especially me!!  Don’t ever worry about interjecting though.  We all care about you.

 

i am not on Facebook and if they are doing prize things i am really pleased as like you I would be tempted.

 

i know what you mean about time off as everyone expects you to come back with stories and adventures and there are no funds.  but honestly as a kid.  I remember going on picnics to dartmoor with the family.  Just cost the fuel and a few egg sandwiches.  If you can plan something to give you things to look forward to I think that will help.  But doesn’t have to be expensive like cinema or zoo or bowling.  Can be a picnic somewhere pretty with a walk and explore.  

 

I hope you start to feel feel better and please keep being honest with us all.

 

here for you

 

sarah x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th July 2019 11:14 am
Stace86
(@stace86)

Thankyou Sarah. 

Im not worried about not being able to afford things, financially I'm doing ok. I'm worried about not coping with them.

Speak soon x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th July 2019 12:01 pm
Stace86
(@stace86)

Im so upset! Even my own family are causing me distress. Is there any end to this ? I for one have had enough.

I keep fighting, yet keep getting knocked back down, over and over and over again 

Stace

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th July 2019 6:31 pm
Sarah1976
(@sarah1976)

Morning stace

 

hope you got some sleep.  Things are always a little bit easier with sleep.  Sorry your support is not there from family.  You need it when times are tough. 

 

Can you call a friend or give GamCare a ring stace.  Just for some support while you are low.  

 

Sarah x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th July 2019 7:18 am
Stace86
(@stace86)

Morning Sarah.

No I didn't get much sleep again, but I will be ok. Don't worry about me. Hope your ok 🙂

Stace x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th July 2019 7:38 am
Stace86
(@stace86)

So today everything that's happened the last few weeks has got to me, I feel broken. I feel like a fragile piece of China and someone's come along and smashed me 😭 shattered into loads of pieces, is there anyway to put it back together again??? I've cried so much these past few days, I'm surprised I have any tears left, I have so many feelings, that I just can't process them all,.I'm feeling upset, angry, betrayed, distressed, sad, unhopeful,, alone but most of all I feel really scared 🙁

I've not been sleeping properly,.my nightmares have got worse and I'm exhausted in every way possible. Today it has got to me, I struggled so much to get up this morning, my partner left for work at 8.30am, usually I'd get straight up to watch the kids but I just couldn't, I lay in bed for a further 2 hours, in-between falling back to sleep, waking, crying, falling back to sleep, I eventually had to force myself out of bed. I have 0% energy today. I'm praying for 3.30pm.to hurry up and get here so my partner will be home and I can escape back to bed until 5.30pm.when he goes back in for his evening shift.

I've been buying more and more raffles on Facebook and scratchcards, there giving me that gambling buzz but not the distraction that online gambling gave me, and at the moment I'm craving it and am angry at myself for signing up to gamstop even though I know it was definitely for the best. 

Another day to try get through 💔😭

Life wasn't supposed to be this hard.

Stace

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th July 2019 11:35 am
Stace86
(@stace86)

Today has been another stressfull day,you know when you get that overwhelming feeling and your heart starts racing and you can't control it and suddenly your having a full on panick attack, I'm literally just getting over one. Came on for no reason at all, I don't understand it. My hands are shaking as I write this. My heart is still racing but is slowing down. 

I keep being told that I shouldn't be on gamcare. That I should find a different organization to help me instead. I'm starting to believe it. I get alot of grief on here (yes the support much outweighs the grief) but people having a go at me, especially on my own diary really doesn't help my situation. I'm starting to think I'm just not a very likeable person, but I don't know why 😭 I don't have many friends, literally one or two close ones, wouldn't really class the others as friends 😭 and I'm thinking now maybe I just don't seem like a nice person. Do I moan too much? Am I too depressed to be on here? 

I have tried and am trying so hard to get better, lift this depression, but nothing is working, if anything I'm just feeling worse. I'm battling PTSD,severe depression, unstable personality disorder plus the grief (nearly 5 years on and it still feels like it only happened yesterday 😭👼💔). It's coming up to my identical twin daughters birthdays, yet I even find the run up to it hard, don't for one second think I spend my daughter's birthday crying, as I don't, I celebrate the living twins birthday as I do the other kids, presents.. parties or a day out etc but when the kids go to bed I break down and cry for my daughter who's spending yet another birthday in heaven. My heart broke the day I lost her and I just don't think it will ever heal. It was a traumatic pregnancy from the start, and I was rushed to St George's hospital in London at 5/6 months pregnant to have laser surgery on them in the womb. That was the first time I had ever been to London, getting on that tube, was an experience I had never experienced before, it was surreal, knowing I would be getting of at the stop and going to a hospital and putting every ounce of my trust in strangers to work on my babies 😕, now London is a place I will never visit again, ever! Because of that memory 😭 I always wanted to go to London when I was growing up, and that was not how it was meant to be.

I am lucky that I have beautiful healthy children, yet I feel like the biggest failure of a mother ever. I wish I could go back in time and not go down the paths that led me to be hurt badly.!

My gambling only ever started as some fun, but then it turned into a distraction, a distraction from my life, the struggles of motherhood, I would pick gambling over buying food , electric ,payment rent.. bills.i sunk to dark lengths for that distraction from the pain. I no longer gamble online like I did, that was my problem and i managed to stop, thanks to gamcare and gamstop. Yet now im allowing myself of falling into the trap of scratchcards! Need to stop it, I know I do, and I'm trying.

I don't want arguements, all I ever wanted was support and help to get better, yet now I don't even think it will happen. I so desperately want to be this happy mum, but I'm hurting so bad, it is affecting my parenting and I'm so scared of the summer holidays and how I'm going to make it through. 

Stace

ReplyQuote
Posted : 8th July 2019 11:22 pm
Stace86
(@stace86)

Unable to sleep and thoughts getting to intense I searched for a site not covered by gamstop and found one and just wasted loads of money. !! I feel sick. I'm such an idiot. Luckily bills have already been paid this week and a food shop done but still.... I feel a total failure. I've self excluded but it's too late. Why can't I deal with my s**t like a normal person. Well if I felt bad a few hours ago, I sure as heck feel a million times worse now 😭😭😭😭😭😭 truly give up

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th July 2019 1:44 am
Stace86
(@stace86)

😭still can't sleep😭

I've always had problems sleeping but this really is taking the Mick!! 

My kids will be waking up in about 3 hours and I will be like a right zombie. 

I've been up, had a warm drink, not thinking about anything but sleep will just not come to me. Yet I'm soo tired. 

😴😭

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th July 2019 3:38 am
Stace86
(@stace86)

I may aswel get up now ☹️ - no sleep

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th July 2019 4:32 am
Stace86
(@stace86)

Thinking over my life today, how did it ever become like this. 

Really don't know how to carry on

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th July 2019 2:52 pm
Stace86
(@stace86)

So tonight seems like is going to be the same as the night before last, can't sleep! Have so many thoughts and feelings going on right now, struggling to know what to do. The house is so quiet, I'm so tired so why can't I sleep 😴 this happened not last night but the night before and I was awake til 4.30am. I can't cope with that again ☹️☹️

Trying not to let things get to me but tonight I've just broke. I'm trying so hard to think about my kids, I did a little suprise for them today, set up a little picnic tea and got out all the playdough. They loved it. I love them so much. 

Think I might of been out of order in chat tonight , no excuses I know , but I'm feeling very hurt and angry but most of all humiliated 😭 it's not a nice feeling to have and I just let it all out.! Uncalled for in the chatroom, yes probably, so I'm sorry to the users on there tonight.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11th July 2019 12:27 am
Stace86
(@stace86)

Dont think I've been very nice lately, I'm sorry for bringing things into the chatroom , especially last night, things I should of kept to myself yet didn't, and I don't want people to not trust gamcare, I want everyone to know  mistakes were made and what's done is done. I need to stop thinking about it, I've apologized, gamcare have apologized, I just want to forget it now because it's really had a huge impact on me. I'm finding every little thing is getting to me and I'm struggling to cope. I'm not sleeping, and today I'm starting yet more new tablets , non have worked so far, so I know I may sound unhopeful, but that's cos all my hope has gone. 

I'm still struggling from my gambling few nights ago, I was so stupid and I just couldn't stop. I lied to my partner pretending a big bill had taken the money which has left us slightly struggling this week, I feel really guilty lying to him. But he thinks my gambling days are well and truly over and I can't upset him by telling him ☹️

I also just want the staff at gamcare, especially one in particular who has been ringing me this week (won't name names as not sure if it's allowed) but thankyiu. From the bottom of my shattered heart, thankyou. It can't be easy for you, especially when you probably feel like your stuck at a brick wall but you haven't given up on me, and continue to support me, even when I get things wrong on here or don't seem like I'm trying to change. Believe me I am, and I take every bit of advice you give me on board. The past couple of weeks have been hard, and I'm sorry I've leaned on gamcare so much. You all truly are remarkable, don't know how I would still be here without your support to be honest. 

Thankyou. 

Stacey

This post was modified 2 months ago by Stace86
ReplyQuote
Posted : 11th July 2019 3:48 pm
Stace86
(@stace86)

Well my new tablets knocked me out, for the first time in a very long time, I slept all night 🙂 my kids usually wake at 6.30am but there still asleep at the moment too so I'm taking a minute to reflect. 

Things have been so hard for me lately, and I've come scarily close to giving up on life, but that isn't what I really want. Deep down I just want the pain and struggling to stop, not my life. I have been fighting for so long that I've got to the point were I don't feel I have any fight left, but I must have, because I'm still here, I'm still alive, I'm still reaching out.

I've been pushing my partner, kids, family, friends away lately, and I don't know why. I've not been going out much either but today it's my mams birthday and my kids want to take her presents and cards to her so I have all day to get my going out mindset on, and hopefully will take them there for an hour after school. They love there grandparents and I feel bad that we barely see them even though they are literally less than a 5 minute walk away. I can already feel the anxiety rising just thinking about going out, but I will try.

I had gambling thoughts yesterday, but not long after taking my first new tablet I started feeling sick, which just made me want to go to bed, I'm still feeling sick this morning and gambling is the last thing on my mind. New tablets always make me feel ill when I first stsrt them, I've tried so many different ones, which havnt worked, but I've never actually even heard of these ones, so I'm praying these are the ones that just lift that fog for me 🤞

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Posted : 12th July 2019 7:30 am
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