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Posted on:
Tue, 11/12/2018 - 09:10

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

No gambling since last post.

Just been to the doctors. He wanted to do a health check on me. Ive put on exactly 9kg since I as last weighed in 2014. Am turning into a fatso. But not if I have anything to do with it... back on the running!

Thanks for listening

Posted on:
Fri, 14/12/2018 - 08:34

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

No gambling since last post.

Well its pre-christmas pay day and ive paid everything that I need to pay. Normally i'd now be off to see if I can win some money, but not this time, blocks in place. I will live a normal life with the money I have.

Thanks for listening

Posted on:
Fri, 14/12/2018 - 19:40

Tomso

Joined:
2012-02-26

Dear S.A.

I am back on the site reading and posting and I’ve just spent a portion of time catching up on your diary.

I sincerely hope you continue on the right path and find your way to total freedom from this awful mess which is gambling. You’re a lovely soul.

I loved your previous quote from a while back - I have arms and legs so will use them. Some people can’t. 

I haven’t been able to run since August due to Patella problem. I started gambling again around this time. No idea if there is a connection but I know that running outdoors in any weather brings me mental clarity and natural well- being and I have missed this. Gyms do not supply the same feeling. I long for the day I can get back to morning runs before work. Cannot ever recall having a bad day that started with 5 miles on the road.

Take care, charge on.

Tomso.

Posted on:
Sun, 16/12/2018 - 08:32

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Thanks Tomso and likewise I hope you can also find your way to total freedom. Its terrible how this addiction can re-emerge after long periods of abstinence. Perhaps we just start to forget the carnage that it caused. Keeping in touch with the consequences is key I think and thats where places like this can help.

Well am 3 weeks clean today. Pay day has come and gone. For the first time in ages I have more than nothing in my bank account, bills paid.

Am feeling a bit under the weather mind and tired. Yesterday was a tough shift at work and ive got to start thinking about christmas presents but atleast ive got the funds to buy some.

Onwards...

Posted on:
Mon, 17/12/2018 - 10:22

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Day 22

Ive woken in a bad mood this morning or rather I have been woken up by the council workmen drilling in the flat below at 8 a.m. It wouldn't bother me so much if it wernt for the fact that i was persuaded to swap my shift to the late cos the person doing it is moaning about having to work with a particular person and wants to do the early. I rather think that ive been "played" cos she knows that i like her. I hate it when women manipulate men, cos they know they are pretty and can get away with it. It won't happen again.

Anyway no gambling and no thoughts of gambling.

Posted on:
Wed, 19/12/2018 - 09:04

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

My comments in previous post were misplaced. I think I just get a bit paranoid when tired.

Anyway am on my christmas break... 9 days of not working. Must admit it has given rise to a few bad "thoughts" cos I know that January pay will be a lot less due to the working less. My gambling head says just top the bank account up a bit. Its ****** thinking but the thoughts exist. Of course I know exactly what would happen in reality... another ruined christmas... am not gonna ruin it! 

Thanks for listening

Posted on:
Wed, 19/12/2018 - 16:42

San15

Joined:
2018-05-31

Hi SA.

 

Women huh :-D Lol..sorry but cannot agree with your previous post. Maybe cause I just stand behind my tribe lol.

 

But i get what you're saying. We can be best thing in the world but also the worst experience possible. Vice versa with men lol.

Maybe worth telling her how you feel about it all? Who knows what goes in her own head. ..Maybe, all this is just complete misunderstanding as it happens too often. I am learning not to judge...and see other point of view.

 

Enough of this, as you clearly see I cannot help you there lol

 

Good news, i am proud of you marching on and making that right choice!

 

Today is most important day of all, keep being kind to YOU.

Posted on:
Wed, 09/01/2019 - 22:29

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Just read my last post on the 19th December about having gambling thoughts. Alas I acted on them and gambled away my money the same day, instead of buying christmas presents. I walked into a branch of shipleys that am banned from knowing all too well that it was several years ago that i did my 5 year exclusion so chances are my face would have long been forgotten. Anyway done my ******** and then walked up to staff and said i was excluded... to be fare the manager apologised. He says they do challenge people but because I did a paper form and the exclusions are now all online then they didn't know. I went through all the usual let down emotions and then the panick of trying to scrape together some money for exmas but then I actually had quite a nice christmas with family... on the surface at any rate.. under neath all the self-loathing and shame continued.

My mum informed me that ive been written out of her will... she is not prepared to take the risk that I would gamble it. Which given how i have been for 20 years is perfectly understandable and i told her this. I think it was more upsetting for her than it was for me. I kind of expecting it really. Its tough love... she done the right thing.

On the way home I gambled a small amount of money in a fruit machine. I really don't know why really, other than being an addict... that was on the 29th.. I haven't gambled since. I haven't gambled this year. I don't make any prenoucements about anything anymore. Just up dating my diary.

Thanks for listening

Posted on:
Sat, 12/01/2019 - 18:53

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

 

Hi SA,

You're doing just great despite the lapses. I have found that although I aim for complete abstinence, I rarely achieve it. However, if I look at where I am with gambling today, as opposed to a few years ago, Ifind ive made good progress. I think you have too.

F x

Posted on:
Thu, 24/01/2019 - 13:38

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Thanks Freda but I do wonder whether I will ever be able to free myself from this curse called gambling. I did it again on Monday after a while off it. It was bad as well. I did everything and also left myself with no food and 3 weeks till pay day. Managed to get yet another loan and will now be able to feed myself and stay alive. Am working loads at the moment and exhausting myself by walking everywhere to save myself a few quid... its very sad life am leading. Work is also very stressy at times... people going off sick constantly. I feel real sorry for people who need care cos they just get lots of random people whom don't know what they are doing. Both seniors are having break downs... working in social care sends people over the edge. Who ever thought it was a good idea to have multiple care providers going to the same project??.... you end up saying to vulnerable people... sorry I can't help you cos we are not your care provider.... fragmented care is killing people off early... maybe that was the plan all along. Sorry its just me being synical.

Anyway life goes on. Got to try and focus on myself and get well and stop having these stupid pointless binges on machines that are designed to take your money. I travelled this time to an area am not excluded from and lost all my money within an hour. silly sod I am. Ive put myself so much hardship over the last 3 years especially, am shortening my life in the process. Its a strange thing that I have no compulsion to gamble today at all and yet all it takes is one mad moment of craving and I do alot of damage to myself...

... and so we contiunue

Posted on:
Thu, 24/01/2019 - 16:09

Marypoppins

Joined:
2019-01-17

Awful, you should read back your own posts, your words make me not want to gamble! Keep up the fight, one day you will manage x

Posted on:
Thu, 24/01/2019 - 18:51

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

Honestly are you ever going to stop doing this to yourself. You have been on here for years and you see good post that you have not gambled. Then within a few days or weeks you have gambled again. How do you keep gambling? Surely your self excluded got blocks in place. You just seem to work hard then just chuck your money away. Then get into even more debt. 

Posted on:
Fri, 25/01/2019 - 04:58

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Well my life is what it is. Atleast I don't just dissappear, like most people do when they go back to it... or then come back later under a new name and a new diary. Its an honest account of how things have been... probably the only place I can just tell it as it is. Addiction isn't just something that just goes away with some self-exclusions. So anyway (Pall)... I hope your life is fantastic and "You" feel good about yourself being able to tell people to sort themselves out. Don't you think I already know this....?

No gambling since my last post

Posted on:
Fri, 25/01/2019 - 05:07

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Why do people carry on smoking knowing that its going to kill them??

Why do people continue eating all the pork pies when they know its going to kill them??

Why do people continue drinking to excess when they know its going to kill them??

They really do need to sort themselves out!... job done

Posted on:
Fri, 25/01/2019 - 12:22

San15

Joined:
2018-05-31

Hi SA...

 

You must look after yourself. As soon as you start doing that the rest will start falling into places. 

Maybe also worth going further afield with self exclusions? ..even if I know myself that when urge rises we can walk miles to get where we want to get. 

This is difficult as recovery starts from within. You're showing admirable resilience and are bouncing back following every low in ypur way. However those low times needs particular attention. We recognise when the devil starts talking in our ear and that time is most important for action..anything...but...

 

Any other way to secure your finances? Maybe someone could look after it for you?

 

You know where i am, please talk whem/ if you need to.

 

Blessings

 

S&B xx

Posted on:
Fri, 25/01/2019 - 13:47

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

I did not mean to sound harsh I apologies. I can tell your a good person and work hard. My life ain’t great.

Posted on:
Fri, 25/01/2019 - 18:36

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Boro... I owe you an apology. Your perfectly right in what you say. I just haven't been working recovery. Am angry with myself really. I shouldn't take it out on other people. I know your a good person too and thankyou for taking the time to read my thoughts. Regards.. S.A 

Posted on:
Fri, 25/01/2019 - 18:53

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

No you don’t owe me an apology. I  should not have said what I did. Like you said if life was that easy we would not still be on here after all these years. Plus we would not be so stupid with our money.  I meant nothing by it just a have read your diary since I came on here 7 or 8 years ago.  you have to be congratulated for keep coming back with the same diary like you said people come back with new diary.

Posted on:
Sun, 27/01/2019 - 09:21

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Thanks Boro... but I still don't think you owe me an apology... but anyway...onwards...

No gambling since last post but am still stuck in my addictive cycle... am plotting in my thoughts on what I will do come payday. Am working alot this month and will be in a position to pay off my council tax and water etc... before the end of the financial year... and I know I will do this BUT as always there will be some excess, some leftovers.... otherwise known as "play money"... Am protected from online with gamstop, which has proved very effective... am also protected from local bookies, cos ive been around them individually and reminded them that am excluded. It doesn't stop me travelling out of my area though... and that will be the challenge....

But of couurse the bigger challenge is finding myself something else to look forward to... finding myself other reasons NOT to try my luck with gambling... cos the desparate feelings after ive gambled my money away are soon forgotten as if they didn't happen. Ive also been bad with my meds (due to gambling) and then not wanting to pay the prescription for new meds cos food comes first and consequently ive not taken them and my anxiety levels and mania have gone up. I can start to write this mistake tomorrow by getting back on my meds which were making a difference. I can also stop walking the 5 miles to work and back as by spending very little I now have sufficient to get a bus pass and eat... (well aren't I going up in the world lol).

Anyway... thoughts welcome.... especially any wisdom on how to change my thinking...

Thanks for listening

Posted on:
Tue, 29/01/2019 - 10:16

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Morning diary... not gambled since last entry, some thoughts today but I have dismissed them. Self-exclusions working effectively today.... my gambling head knows i can't use local bookies and i can't be bothered to sit on some bus for a an hour. and in any case I only have a small amount and unless i was very lucky it would be gone in minutes. 

I intend to do constructive things today and enjoy my day off

Thanks for listening

Posted on:
Tue, 29/01/2019 - 12:22

San15

Joined:
2018-05-31

Yo SA!

 

Your post was like sun ray in my cloudy day so thank you. It made me chuckle actually. You are lucky to have a friend to even ask how are you..lol..I cannot say the same about myself. But it's my own fault I guess, I'm not good with making friends and the ones I had living their own lives I guess. ..ussually I make that text asking how they are and then reply follows "how are you". ..but I never have a message first lol..poor me indeed.

 

Yeah self exclusions does the trick but we both know its not a solution. GA works for some and I wonder if you would give it a go? Having programme in place may help you? ..or counselling? I am sure I asked to be referred to counselling the other day so am awaiting a call. I know from experience they helped me...do what helps you as they say huh.

 

Marathon! Yes!! Under 4 hrs?..OMG that's quite a track! I went to the gym yesterday..did 7.5 miles in 45mins..but then looked at settings and to my horror it was recording km's..lol...wasn't a happy bunny as thought It was quite quick pace (5.20) ..looks like I only did almost 5 miles in that time...****** huh...saying that It was like a walk in a park and made me think why I'm not even out of breath lol..here we go...I didn't run as far as I thought huh!

 

I still remember Peak district challenge with our Ryan (leedso) few years ago. 10k that was. Very interesting and challenging and would like to repeat that.

 

Listen, we work such long hours and we don't seem to know how to relax or enjoy time off. I may be wrong suggesting the same for you but that's exactly how I feel. I wait for days off just to get bored and inflict some harm on myself by drink. That's the reality, i am most on my days off. Maybe (hopefully) it will be different in summer time with all the gardening and so on......however, it must change huh. Just that extra push to make the days worthwhile. 

..like today..I had to go to hairdressers to book an apt (even for today)...But I slept in till now. I guess the train had passed lol...looks like another set of shifts with me looking like scare crow awaits. Oh dear..if I won't laugh I will cry!

 

Look after yourself and have a good day. Good to talk as always ;-)

 

Hugs

 

S&B xx

Posted on:
Tue, 05/02/2019 - 20:38

Tomso

Joined:
2012-02-26

S.A.

I’ve spent a good while catching up on your diary. Your diary is usually the first one I go to. I tend to take a lot from reading your diary - bare honest thoughts always. 

Anyway, I think we share some similarities in how we both think and act. Both been tackling our gambling problems for a while, both had periods of abstinence and both have fairly brutal relapses but on we go in hope of doing better and not making the same mistakes.

If I was being brutally honest, I’m not even aware if I’ve ever been able to not gamble when I’ve had a serious urge to do so. My whole mentality is to try not to have the urge. To try to engage in running, football, boxing any fitness that I can enjoy that takes me into a new way of filling time and making myself feel good about me again. Usually, if I can do this for two or three weeks I get myself back on the right path again.

I hope we both find our way. We can’t be doing this nonsense for the rest of our lives.

Not going to go on too much tonight. I hope you are well. I wish good things for you and hope you are not working too hard and can still find time for running in the great outdoors with our fabulous British weather and all that our four seasons can throw at us.

Tomso

 

Posted on:
Wed, 06/02/2019 - 06:42

NT

Joined:
2017-12-16

Hope you enjoyed your day off last week and that things are well with you.

Keep the strength.

NT

Posted on:
Wed, 06/02/2019 - 12:00

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Well thank you for looking in folks... I hear and think about what you say. 

Ive had something of a lie in today. Am very tired and fatigued from, yes you guessed it, from working too much. I still very much continue with my patterns of behaviour that ultmately lead to gambling, beit after a few days weeks or months, though I haven't gambled since my last post.

Iv'e just had another one of those texts from work. Desparate for staff as always. Someone from the late shift and also from the night shift have both phoned in sick... and the hint being... can I start at 4pm and then do through the night. I thought about it, I always need the money of course and the person texting I consider a friend a friend whose on the edge of breaking down (not fo r the first time) and is beside herself with stress at trying to keep the place running and covering shifts. Both seniors are on long term sick, the new manager has lasted 2 months and is now leaving...alledgedly for family reasons... 3 other care staff are on long term sick. I don't think ive ever worked somewhere with such high sick rates. The motto seems to be.... "the going gets tough, everyone rings in sick".

It makes it very hard for the likes of me... something of a people pleaser... putting everyone elses needs before my own. I sit here now feeling a little bad for saying no.. as I have no plans and I could do it.. but like you may all say... its the physical and psychological consequences of working yourself into the ground. I know I did the right thing.. but ity doesn't stop me feeling bad. I don't like seeing other people so stressed out... cos I know that this may well be the tipping point for my work friend and she will join the long list of long term sickness...

I know that none of this is my responsibility but sometimes i think what is happening to the work place and peoples work ethic. Am gonna be really judgemental here... but sometimes I get real fed up working with folk and are obese and constantly going off sick for "bad backs" and the consequences of not managing there weight and not managing there diabeties and getting all sorts of health problems from being fat and unfit... there we go ive said it.... BUT of course... I am a gambling addict who has never really got to grips with his problem... so I guess I am the equivelant of super morbidly obese in the gambling addiction world... so i apologise to any over weight people reading this.... I undertsand how hard it is to change. I really do...

Moan over. All the best to everyone reading this

Posted on:
Wed, 06/02/2019 - 22:04

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Am having a bad day. Supposedly am enjoying a day off but in reality I can't stop thinking about work and the bad practices that go on in the world of social care. I need to vent...

I work in one of these places for older people who are more or less independant that just need a little support with personal care or meals or shopping or medications etc etc. People have care calls, some have 3 or 4 a day, some just one... more of just a welfare check. Now it works quite well for some, that is until there health deteriorates or they don't adhere to the rules. there is this chap, mobility problems, alcoholic, pressed his pendant outside of his call times (for non-urgent things)... not a good idea am afraid... annoyed carers who complained to management. Now one day he has a fall, ambulance called.. off to hospital.. and at this point management says that he's not coming back... its decided that we can't manage his needs. Now said person recovers and becomes a bed blocker, hospital wants him out and he and the hospital wants him to come back, management says no, the hospital forces the issue and a higher authority says that its his human right to come back to what has been his home for the last few months. management says ok but we will not provide the care... outside carers need to be appopinted. he comes back, supposedly now nothing to do with us the inhouse care team. However we have to provide him with a pendant in case of a real emergency... and this happens. So anyway he's back he's in poor health he's drinking but just about coping BUT as before he's pressing his penadant on a regular basis wanting help with this and that and we are instructed to say that he must contact his "care providers" as we are now nothing to do with his care... emergency only. But the pedant pressing continues... the outside carers often don't come at the set times and he pendants us wanting to know where they are... to which we have to say that he needs to contact them himself because we are nothing to do with his care. I get told off one day for helping him on to his mobility scooter because "we are nothing to do with his care"... anyway this situation goes on for a few weeks until inevitably another fall another and trip into hospital. anyway he recovered and then once more becomes a bed blocker and the hospital are phoning up to ask who his care provider is and nobody knows and presumably he doesn't either and he's not wanted anyway. from what i can see a game is then played wherby the hospital rings up wanting to know who his care provider is and knowbody knows or cares seemingly. Anyway I had a text from a collegue who said an ambulance brought him back today.... apparently he had very low blood pressure, severely dehydrated and couldn't weight bare. he was taken to his flat with no care package in place. The hospital had obviously had enuff and just discharged him.... apparently almost imediately someone phoned 999 and he went back into hospital....

This is the reality of social care folks, people passed from pillar to post. If your not liked your doomed. If your not able or unwilling to play the game of the care setting you are in you are highly likely to die before your time.... thats the reality.

In another case am aware of. One of our residents with deteriorating needs, required new equipment for his manual handling... however someone told me on the quiet that the manual handling team had closed his file becuase he had supposedly died... when he wasn't dead atall. People obviously thought that he's go into hospital and die soon anyway so why bother. This is the reality of social care folks... people die before there time...

These sort of things... make me angry and sad... and the fact that even in hospital you can come pout worse than when you went in... there is no excuse for someone to be dehydrated coming out of hospital, but i spose we all know what happens don't we.... drinks place in front of people but no support to actually drink it!

Moan over

Posted on:
Wed, 06/02/2019 - 22:22

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Am escaping into food today I can't stop eating. I did go for a jog earlier so thats something positive i guess

Posted on:
Thu, 07/02/2019 - 15:22

San15

Joined:
2018-05-31

Hi SA

 

Read your post and nodded along (food one included!..I had a right feast last night following good gym session lol).

'Re work struggles. I hear you loud and clear here! I didn't realise that  a "game" of passing the baton going on in the society but it simply is. Now i get in contact more in such field it actually horrifies me that "souls" being passed over to agencies like a baton. Rarely responsibility is taken and too often person's wellbeing and safeguarding is overlooked. Every one is washing their hands of the one in need. 

I get that we are underfunded, understaffed and so on but at the end of the day we are talking about a living human being and so the welfare of theirs must be number one priority always. Sadly it's not happening...

 

Anyway..that's my rant about it! I downloaded more on my own diary.

 

What about that marathon? What ya reckon? I am in a way prepping as doing at least 6miles daily. Is full marathon 26,4 miles something? I don't really know lol. Tiring me to think about it but I am up for it! 

 

Let me know what's on your mind and we shall go from there ;-)

 

All the best & blessings, keep being kind to you 

 

S&B xx

Posted on:
Thu, 07/02/2019 - 22:27

Tomso

Joined:
2012-02-26

S.A.

Just caught up with yesterday’s posts. You truly are a kind soul. I can see how frustrated you are with work issues/conditions however, it is surely part of a greater plan that finds you working in this field. Without really knowing you I cannot but think that someone as caring, giving and selfless as you was hand picked by God to work in this profession. I am sure the people you care for are very lucky to have you looking after them.

Take care.

Tomso.

Posted on:
Fri, 08/02/2019 - 11:37

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

 

No gambling since last post

Thank you folks... and well its certainly true that I have supported alot of people over the years... those that are severly disabled both physically and mentally and I guess in my own way my inter-personal skills suit this kind of work exactly. I have the ability to adapt to whomever I am working with and tune in to there needs. I find it strange that some people simply don't have this ability, some people do not posses empathy for others. whether this is a product of nature, nurture or design only god knows but I do believe that god or some sort of higher power does exist and each and everyone of us is here for a reason and we have a purpose.

My stress levels have now come down because somebody at long last has taken control of the situation I was describing in my last couple of posts. After an almost laughable series of events where this vulnerable adult was in and out of hospital like a yo yo.. a very angry doctor has now sorted things and this individual has gone into a nursing care environment. Hopefully his last few weeks or months will be settled.

The thing I have learnt about myself is that I must work less, cos it kills me working too much. I find when am tired and run down I find it very hard to switch off from the stress of work... I can't stop thinking about work and it does my head in. I think well whats the point in having a day off if am still thinking about work, I might as well be at work. This is why people have break downs, work becomes everything whether you like it or not. Of course as a compulsive gambler many of us work all the hours under the sun cos we feel that we need to to pay off debts and bills or/and get ammunition for the next session. Its a vicious cycle to get away from. Am finding it very very hard. But in my defense am not quite doing the crazy shifts I was doing this time last year... what crazy fool does 7 a.m to 10 p.m... but I bet (pardon the pun) lots of you are putting your hands up. I haven't dome one of those shifts for quite a while now. 

I feel calmer today and I like that feeling. Re-connect with the world, not escape from it.

Thanks for listening. 

P.s... Ive just been reading the personality profiles of people with addictions that someone has put up. I am a caretaker people pleaser with a dash of workaholism

Posted on:
Sat, 16/02/2019 - 01:10

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

I want to stay stopped

Posted on:
Sat, 16/02/2019 - 08:51

Tomso

Joined:
2012-02-26

S.A.

Hey buddy I hope you are ok this morning. Take care of yourself today and hopefully you’ll find time for yourself and time to relax and recharge the batteries.

You mentioned that you want to stay stopped. Of course you do. We both know that gambling doesn’t do anything good for our long term recovery. It only allows us to escape temporarily but the consequences of the next few days are usually brutal.

Take care. Be kind to yourself today.

Tomso

Posted on:
Sat, 16/02/2019 - 12:53

San15

Joined:
2018-05-31

(((((((((((((((SA))))))))))))))) xx

Posted on:
Sun, 17/02/2019 - 17:30

Tomso

Joined:
2012-02-26

S.A

How are doing buddy. I’m worried about you.

I hope all is OK and hopefully hear from you soon. Take care.

Tomso

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