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Posted on:
Mon, 07/07/2008 - 21:23

Anna1

Joined:
Before 2009

(((SA)))

I can see that you are really struggling this past week or so. And who says men can't cry? I have seen from the beginning of your diary that you are really unhappy with your job. Is it something you can work toward leaving? If you ever need to talk, shoot me an e-mail. [email protected]

Hang in there my friend...

Love, Anna

Posted on:
Tue, 08/07/2008 - 08:00

Searchingfor

Joined:
Before 2009

SA, I agree with Anna. There is no reason men can't cry. Don't buy into that macho bs that you are not a man if you cry. It really is a release of all of those feelings that are just boiling up inside of you and making you feel like you are losing your sanity! I feel for you with your unhappiness in your work....I am in the same situation, but having a hard time finding a way out as I wouldn't be able to begin in something different without taking a large paycut, which I can't afford at the moment. Hang in there......life will get better. At least that's what I keep telling myself :)
Hugs Julie

Posted on:
Tue, 08/07/2008 - 22:50

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi Anna and Julie... I appreciate your thoughts thank you :-)

I feel as if i have dealt with my current issues with work positively today. I talked with relatively impartial people and the net result is I am to take annual leave..have a complete and proper break.. reflect on stuff. In the past I would have reacted on emotion and given a two fingered salute if that was how i felt..but not now.. a little older and am hoping a little wiser. I think something I realise now is that work has always taken far to big a chunk of my life.. have never really found that balance between work and not work.

Of course when I use to feel emotionally drained from work I would go off and gamble..not now though. I am stronger than my addiction and i continue to be. I am looking after myself. I am planning to go to a GA meeting next week for the first time in a long time..positve move I think.

Anyway no urges to gamble today. Another gamble free day passes.

Posted on:
Wed, 09/07/2008 - 07:59

Searchingfor

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi SA
You sound much better today! Pardon my American ignorance but what does annual leave mean?
I'm so proud of you for staying gamble free through all of this stress that you are going through! Keep taking it one day at a time and great things are going to happen for you
Hugs,
Julie

Posted on:
Wed, 09/07/2008 - 21:41

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi julie.. thank you for your comments. Annual leave ='s paid time off from work.

Today has been a mixed day..not at work today and then after Friday am off for a full week :-).. however my mood dropped steadilly during the day..perhaps it was because i was in my own company and thats just the way it goes or perhaps also was that the few niggly thoughts and problems I had in my mind did not have an outlet or get sorted. Again in the past i would have used this as an excuse to go off and gamble..not now of course :-) Anyways done a bit of shopping and then down the gym..then cooked a nice dinner and then sent a few emails.. my mood has lifted quite a bit.

When i think about my moods I also remind myself about the huge amounts of coffee I drink (I have one to hand of course)..caffeine highs and lows..dehydration too. i notice that i am more likely to be on a downer mid-afternoon whether at work or not. i guess that fits with the cafeine cycle... need nice long siesta thats what i think :-)

One last thought.. I have retreated to just my diary for the most part. There is a slight guilt about this because i feel that i should be posting on others diaries especially when they have made the effort to post on mine.. but must admit I feel a bit selfish at the moment.. or perhaps over pre-occupied with my own thoughts. Am sure this will change with time. For anyone reading this i wish you well in your recovery.. keep up the good work..whatever is working for you keep doing it...maintenance is the key. At the moment coming here once a day to say a little something is helping me.

I did not gambling today.. my last bet of any kind was on Sunday 25th May 08

Posted on:
Wed, 09/07/2008 - 22:09

Anna1

Joined:
Before 2009

(((SA))) never feel guilty about sticking to your own diary. It is a place for you to put your thoughts and feelings. And, sometimes recovery just HAS to be selfish. Sometimes it has to be all about you. Others post to you, myself included, because I feel like you need the support. I don't expect anything in return, and I don't think others do either. We're just here for you because we want to be. :)

I am genuinely hoping that you will find some peace and relaxation next week. You so deserve it.

Love, Anna

Posted on:
Thu, 10/07/2008 - 22:15

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi Anna,

I trully hope that I find some peace and relaxation too cos at this moment in time am all annoyed and wound up..work and collegue are just getting to me sooooooooooo much. Arrrghhhhhh

But despite everything...no urges to gamble. another day passes gambling free.

Last bet of any kind Sunday 25th May 08

Posted on:
Fri, 11/07/2008 - 23:00

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Another gambling free day passes. I feel very tired today and a little depressed but am ok.

Posted on:
Sat, 12/07/2008 - 11:17

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Another day dawns gambling free.

I slept fairly well last night and now feel a little more alive and together than I have over previous days. I now have a period of time ahead of me free from the emotional demands of work and I intend to enjoy it.. and chillout.

I have no plans this weekend and thats good with me.. i shall do as the moment pleases. So far this morning I have done some cleaning and washing..these are things that dont happen when am all stressed out but I do much prefer it when my flat is cleanish and tidyish. I think the state of my flat more or less reflects the state of my mind. When i am on a really bad one (or hungover!) the curtains do not get drawn... the first thing i did this morning was draw the curtains... today is going to be a good day. As I say i shall live each moment as it comes. Regards to all who read this.

Posted on:
Sat, 12/07/2008 - 13:59

kerrie

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi Julie

Thanks for your post. I wanted to clarify something.... Urges can strike anywhere, anytime for me- - I guess what I mean by "impulse" is that i will be where machines are - and not bothered with them UNTIL....... I get this "bright idea".... urrrgghhh. So I need a kinda dumb reason not to succumb - thinking through consequences doesn't happen in those moments -it's just a mental roadblock to get me through the "moment". I stayed bet free for a while but I didn't go out - it wan't good for me - so I'm trying to learn to be where the temptation is, so i can see my friends & have some fun. The goal is just a way to try and stop myself having that first bet. haven't read all your diary yet -but the little i read - i relate a lot. glad you are here.

Love,
Kerrie

Posted on:
Sat, 12/07/2008 - 22:25

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi Kerrie,

I hear your thoughts. Can relate to what you say. The last time I gambled 25th May this year I got a serious bout of tunnel vision and it came upon me very quickly. All that mattered was to gamble. Such was the excitment of the anticipation of gambling after having not gambled for 3 years and more.. I was not, in that moment able to play the tape forward and remind myself of the consequences..not just of the bank account going into free fall but also of how it would make me feel.

I think at these times its to have some sort of instinctual thought that kicks in. A friend of mine also a CG makes the point clearly.. he says its "a question of survival"... to NOT gamble to survive.. or to gamble and to perish. These thoughts sticks in my mind and I hope that I can bring them into conciousness when it matters.

Today has been a good day. I managed 8.14 km's in 45 minutes on the tread mill.. a record for me.. I am pleased :-) I also feel fairly settled and chilled out in myself. Regards to all who read this... SA

Posted on:
Sun, 13/07/2008 - 05:42

kerrie

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi SA
Read thru your diary and discovered - you are NOT Julie! Sorry 'bout that! lol.

Are you in Oz? If so, Griffith Uni in QLD is doing a study re: online service delivery for cgs. I've signed up... i will know in about a month what type of service they will offer (either online CBT or therapist support), but it's only available to Oz residents. If you are interested, the link is: http://www.improvingtheodds.com.au

Worth a look, anyway.

Cheers,
Kerrie

Posted on:
Sun, 13/07/2008 - 09:17

Searchingfor

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi SA
Sorry I haven't posted in a bit....had to retreat myself for a bit as I have had a few bad days. Just caught up with your diary....you sound good. I hope you enjoy your annual leave and are able to get some much needed relaxation and peace. Thanks for the comment on my diary. Stay strong and I will be thinking of you.
Hugs,
Julie

Posted on:
Sun, 13/07/2008 - 21:44

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Another day comes to a close gambling free.

Kerrie..no worries re thinking I was Julie ..got me smiling if truth be known... :-)something am told i need to do more of. Is good to smile. As for my true identity well I chose to maintain a level of anonymity..much the same as in gamblers anonymous.

Julie... thank you for your thoughts. I can trully relate to the "retreating into myself" thought. I guess in part its a reaction to stress but I think also as a way to gather ones thoughts. perhaps you are a little like me in some ways..quite self-contained which has both positive and negative sides to it I think. I for one tend to get trapped in my thoughts sometimes..problems and issues swirling around my headspace without an outlet...which is of course not good for my addiction..in the past it would have come out sideways as gambling. I think this is part of the value of writing as it gives an outlet to stuff that may other wise not have an outlet. Like wise Julie stay strong i will be thinking of you to.

My day has been positive but am aware that my mood has dropped. I think this is because I havent really spoken to anyone face to face bar those cursory chats with till operators and a brief exchange of words with someone when sitting in the sauna. I chatted online and emailed but their is nothing quite like being with people in a physical sense and having a chat and a laugh. This weekend i have not done that which is fine but am always aware that if I allow this to go on for a longer period of time which i have in the past... then my gambling head starts to talk to me instead. I am a social creature at the end of the day and i need to keep reminding myself of that. Tomorrow I am meeting a friend in person which is good.

Today I bought some clothes and a pair of shoes..this is a good thing for me and my recovery. When gambling I never bought
clothes or things for myself generally..all money became gambling money. This evening I went for a swim and a sauna which i always enjoy. Regards to all who read this.

My last bet of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

Posted on:
Mon, 14/07/2008 - 21:52

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Another day has passed gambling free..its not especially been the best of days though. The friend I was going to meet for coffee cancelled..which was fair enough..but was left feeling a little aimless and not knowing what to do with myself.. I could feel my mood dropping.

I struggled today to motivate myself to do positive things. I meant to start surfing the web looking for new jobs but never really got started. Must admit that at one point I did have this vaguest of feelings that a little secret gamble wouldnt do any harm. It was easy to dismiss but the fact that i had it at all is telling me something. Anyway since I have started this journal I have not gambled..so well done to me.

My last bet of any kind was on Sunday 25th of May this year.

Posted on:
Tue, 15/07/2008 - 23:13

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Another day has passed gambling free. I have been to a GA meeting this evening..my first in a very long time. Is good to be back their..helps me to reinvigorate my recovery. Am reminded of some of the things that i need to keep working on which include being social and to keep working on my social life. I drift into isolating myself far to easilly. Having said this the meeting also reminded me of how far i have come from the times when I could scarcly go more than a couple of days without gambling. I am ok...much progress made
Regards to all who read this... S.A

Posted on:
Wed, 16/07/2008 - 20:45

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Not feeling well today... depressed... I guess its the beer I drank last night.. only had three but that seems to have been enough to put be on a real downer. I haven't been out my flat today..which is very unusual for me.

No gambling though thats the main thing.

Posted on:
Wed, 16/07/2008 - 21:05

karl23111

Joined:
Before 2009

HI
Well done on your last gamble on the 25th may..You are doing very well..some days are better then others but keep posting and we will get though it..
All the best and good luck..
Karl

Posted on:
Thu, 17/07/2008 - 20:31

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Thanks for your thoughts Karl.

Today has been a good day.. no gambling and also the alcohol melancholly of yesterday has lifted. I feel much more positive today and have done positive things...gym,swim,reading,writing,relaxation...eating healthilly. In an ideal world I think that i should not drink at all..it has such a profound effect upon me.

It gets me thinking why I still from time to time indulge in self-destructive behaviours. Food as well..the late night jam sandwiches.. i know its not good.. i know that with a stomach full of food I will struggle to get to sleep and all the knock on effects of that and yet I still do it. No doubt low-selfesteem has its part to play..something I have struggled with all my adult life.

My thinking is this.. my gambling as a reaction to low-selfesteem absolutely destroyed my sense of self..what self-esteem i did have went through the floor when I stumbled across gambling. I could hardly look anyone in the eye as I felt so ashamed and guilty. However one positive consequnce of the hell that i put myself through was that i was forced to start taking a look at myself and my behaviour. It has been a long and slow process and its on-going of course and no doubt there is still much that i do not see or understand about myself..for me its a life times journey of self-discovery. I am learning to be patient.

For the most part I am able to manage urges or vague thoughts of gambling without acting upon them. But changing my other behaviours and other character defects is something that i am also very much committed to..hence myself talking about beer and food..other things that i use to comfort myself. Am not sure where i am going with this I am rambling a bit today.. but thats ok.. thats what diaries are all about. regards to all who read this..S.A :-)

Posted on:
Sat, 19/07/2008 - 15:23

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Well I remain gambling free..taking life each day as it comes as always.

Slightly surprisingly I feel on good form today despite having had a few beers and a late night last night.

I was chatting with old friend of mine and the topic of the lottery cropped up. He also has issues with gambling but chooses to continue doing the lottery..fair play to him. It got me thinking though, the chat we had..because at that moment in time I couldn't quite remember why i dont do the lottery. My brain couldn't quite find the answers. It didn't matter because i wasn't about to go off and buy a lottery ticket or anything but i thought it might help me today here in my diary to remind myself of why i dont play the lottery. My reasons are..in no particular order..

1. I would not be able to spend just one pound on a lottery ticket once a week..sooner of later I would be buying tickets for the mid-week draw for other lottery games and then also scratch cards and before i would know it..i'd be spending £20 a week..thats over £1000's a year..frightening!

2. If I won a small amount of money..i'd want more..so if i won £10's the likelyhood is that i would then buy ten more lottery tickets and/or scratch cards

3. A small or medium sized win would likely trigger me to other forms of gambling..i'd see the win as extra play money..then once the emotional rollercoaster has set in..i'd be doomed. I have experinced this before where a small win on a scratch card led me to putting hundreds into machines..ultimately it all goes.

4. I would plan my time around watching the draws on tele and id spend time thinking about when the numbers were to be drawn and what they might be.. i'd spend time looking at previous weeks numbers thinking that somehow I could pre-dict what was due to come up... even though my logical mind knows that its all random. I would waste my time thinking about the gamble.

5. Gambling does not make me happy..its just a very temporary euphoria. I red sometime back in some research on lottery winners. There conclusion was that jackpot winners return to their previous levels of happiness within a few months of the win. I accept in myself that winning money does not lead to long term happiness. My happiness can only come from within.

Anyway all for now..if anyone else has thoughts on the lottery etc then your most welcome to say. Regards to all who read this.

Posted on:
Sat, 19/07/2008 - 16:06

irishlass

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi SA

Just been reading your diary and think you are doing great , Keep up the good fight,

Hugs Teresa

Posted on:
Sun, 20/07/2008 - 22:41

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Thanks Teresa..as you say I shall keep up the good fight.

I am however feeling rotten this evening..depressed..have just eaten half a loaf of bread and marmalade..a comfort thing I spose

Anyway no gambling so thats good. Taking life one day at a time as always.

Last bet of any kind was on Sunday 25th May this year

Posted on:
Sun, 20/07/2008 - 23:27

irishlass

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi Starting Again

Sorry to hear you are feeling rotton , comfort eating is a tad better than gambling in my book, but only if you dont feel guilty afterwards, Stay strong, We are all on your side

You are still gamble free and thats what really matters at the moment

Cut yourself some slack, you deserve it

Hugs Teresa

Posted on:
Mon, 21/07/2008 - 20:15

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Thanks Teresa,
Moods they change..mine have changed again..am feeling upbeat and positive at this moment in time. I think yesterdays depressive state was due to going back to work after a week off. As ive often said in this journal I have felt very unsettled at work recently and this continues..but I cope.. and have not yet reached the point where am just going to throw in the towel and walk... though I am looking around for other work.

I do not deal with my feelings very well.. I spend too much time in my own company dwelling on stuff..of course the gambling filled the void.. i do not fill the void with gambling anymore but my voids still exist.

I try to keep working on myself one day at a time. Regards to all who read this.

Posted on:
Mon, 21/07/2008 - 21:53

Minty

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi SA,

just been reading through some of the diaries and came across yours, you are doing well, and as you know it gets a bit easier as you get further along the recovery road.

Keep your eyes open for that job, one day it will just be there and you must be ready to grasp it with both hands, but until it comes along don't go burning those bridges as we all need to be earning to pay the bills.

Stay strong and think positive, Ian

Posted on:
Wed, 23/07/2008 - 10:52

Searchingfor

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi SA

I have really enjoyed reading your posts here and on others diaries. I can see your committment to recovery and how great of a job you are doing. Keep on keeping on and would love to see you in chat again soon.

Hugs
Julie

Posted on:
Wed, 23/07/2008 - 23:29

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Am gambling free..but after three days back at work am back on the emotional rollercoaster.. am fed up and p***** off!!
Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last bet of any kind Sunday 25th of May

Posted on:
Thu, 24/07/2008 - 00:22

Anna1

Joined:
Before 2009

(((((SA)))))

Work always seems to bring this out in you. Any chance you can look elsewhere for something that is less stressful?

Spending too much time alone is hard, too, because we all need to interact with people to drag us out of our doldrums. Hang in there, hon....

Love, Anna

Posted on:
Thu, 24/07/2008 - 00:28

Lucy2

Joined:
Before 2009

HI Bread Monster

lol I love bread but ughhhh to with marmite..

Just popped into to reccomend a book "Feel teh fear and do it anyway" by sussan jefferes..

rob from gamcare reccomended it to me and I still read it each week.. For me I used to question evertything, its like a chatter box I couldn`t switch of.. but now I am ok with it and if my chatterbox start I read a few pages form my book..

You never know it may help xxx

Hoping today is less of a grrrrr day.. Keep smiling, xxx

Love & Hugs
Lucy
xxx

Posted on:
Thu, 24/07/2008 - 08:10

Andrea

Joined:
Before 2009

Sorry starting, I posted in the wrong thread. Duhhhhhh. So I had to delete it, but did not want to leave it empty.
I don't want to say anything trivial in yours, so I have to catch up with yours, before I post something.
Andrea

Posted on:
Thu, 24/07/2008 - 10:15

Searchingfor

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi SA

Great to hear you are still gambling free. Sorry things are grrrrrr at work....I have to say I have the same problem with work. I have looked into going somewhere else, but would not be able to do so without a large paycut. Hope things get better there soon!
Take care!
Hugs,
Julie

Posted on:
Sun, 27/07/2008 - 10:02

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Thanks all for your replies... I hope to venture into other peoples diaries and say a little something in the not too distant future.

I seem to be struggling with concentration and motivation at the moment..depression sits on my shoulders like a big weight. Of course one of the reasons is that am still recovering from a hangover from beer on Friday night..what a waste of a lovely sunny weekend.

I am gambling free however..one day at a time..last bet of any kind was on Sunday 25th May this year

Posted on:
Sun, 27/07/2008 - 20:20

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Well am back into good head space at this moment in time.. I have been doing positive stuff today..gym, swim, eating healthy, chatting with mates, cleaning flat and am gambling free of course :-) Regards to all who read this. S.A

Posted on:
Mon, 28/07/2008 - 21:28

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Well another day passes gambling free. I have a mouth ulcers though...I am feeling very run down and drained today..perhaps its the heat. The ups and downs of my moods continue relentlessly but taking life one day at a time as always. Regards to all who read this.

Posted on:
Mon, 28/07/2008 - 21:43

Lucy2

Joined:
Before 2009

good to see you in chat. I often don`t get to be in chat because of my shift patterns..

Sorry to hear about the mouth ulcers and with the hunidity of the heat on top.. ok so you maybe a swollen gummy and drained but your soul and your heart well that is simply alive and shining bright.. ups and downs.. the downs well pa hah to them and teh ups enjoy enjoy enjoy xxxx

take Care & warm reagrds right back at ya xx
Love & Hugs
Lucy
xxxx
Lucy
xxxx

Posted on:
Wed, 30/07/2008 - 20:17

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi lucy..thanks for your uplifting thoughts :-)

I am still very much on a downer and ulcerated and ill looking and ill feeling..it will pass I hope. Gambling free of course.

Trouble is it does get to me that i seldom have anything positive to say in this diary..although I have not slipped since starting my journal and it does help to write stuff.. i am struggling to be and feel positive. I do not feel as if i am working my recovery.. though I am not struggling with gambling urges at the moment..day at a time and all that..cross that bridge when and if I come to it.

Positive self-talk illudes me today..am sure tommorrow I will feel different..whether thats better or worse i do not know. regards to all who read this.

Last gamble of any kind was on Sunday May 25th this year.

Posted on:
Wed, 30/07/2008 - 20:42

Anna1

Joined:
Before 2009

(((((((SA))))))) Sending you some big hugs from across the ocean again.

RE the mouth ulcers: Have you been eating a lot of acidic foods like tomatoes or fruit juices lately? That tends to cause them and/or make them worse... Rinsing your mouth with warm salt water will heal them up right quickly. Trust me. I used to get them all the time. :)

As for the feeling low, I'm an expert at that one as well, but unfortunately, there just isn't an easy cure for that one. What works best for me is doing something nice to help someone else, or, just forcing myself to think postively, even when I don't want to, and it usually makes me feel better despite myself. LOL.

I've found lately that just giving up the gambling isn't enough. It's about changing what was wrong in our lives, that made us gamble in the first place, too. What we don't like. What hurts. What makes us unhappy. Perhaps that's a whole other discussion, but something to think about anyway....

Sometimes I read your diary and I just feel your sadness and wish there was more I could do to help, but I'm always here to listen if you need me....

Love, Anna

Posted on:
Sun, 03/08/2008 - 18:33

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi anna,
Thanks for your thoughts and yes the warm salt water has helped..the ulcers have all but gone now. Unfortunately I now have raging tooth ache..am all drugged up with pain killers..dentist looms.. another nerve to be taken out I think.

Ive been away at my sisters for a few days..swam in the sea..that was nice. It was also just nice to get away.. different surroundings etc. I feel stable in myself at this moment in time.

As for gambling.. I have still yet to be fully tested with having to deal with an urge since my slip in May. I know that there are certain things that I need to avoid doing when I am not in good head space..such as a day trip by myself to london.. that was what triggered me last time..it was where my gambling had really got going in the past. I also continue to do the sensible but easilly ignored things such as only carrying what cash I need for the day and only carrying my bank card when I need to.

Am back to work tomorrow..see what happens. Regards to all who read this..S.A

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year

Posted on:
Mon, 04/08/2008 - 20:29

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Well another day has passed gambling free. I will keep things short today..have spent too long staring at a computer screen today..eyes hurting. Am also a little lost for words..so thats it folks over and out :-)

Posted on:
Tue, 05/08/2008 - 21:38

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Another day passess gambling free. I feel on a level today. I feel i have coped with my issues and my feelings as they have come along..I have even managed a few smiles and laughs with collegues from time to time.

The principle of one day at a time and even one moment at a time does work for me.. very much so. I find that in the past when i have allowed myself to get all worked up about things that have not yet happened it often then ended up in gambling.

I will not forcast what may or may not happen in the future and how I may feel about it. I will also will not dwell on what has happened in the past.

All I have is now. All I have is this moment in time. I will live my life to the best of my abilities...one day at a time.

Regards to all who read this. S.A

Last gamble of any kind was on Sunday 25th May this year

Posted on:
Wed, 06/08/2008 - 21:28

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Am fed up today..have been thinking about things and getting wound up..no gambling of course..but must admit have had some vague feelings that a little secret gamble wouldnt do any harm... of course it would in reality I know that and thats why i am here writing about it..it helps just to write it down.

What a difference a day makes..but I guess am living and breathing what i am feeling and not trying to escape from it. Cheese n biscuits needed lol.. Regards to all who read this.

Posted on:
Thu, 07/08/2008 - 22:07

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Things ok today..am tired but on a level..enjoyed a swim..work went without incident..feel like i have made a difference in some small way. No urges to gamble. No vague thoughts of it either. Regards to all who read this.

Last gamble of any kind was on 25th May this year

Posted on:
Sat, 09/08/2008 - 00:29

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Today has been a good day. No gambling and no urges to gamble. My self-esteem feels good today as well. Its strange how my moods go.. but for whatever reason I have just been feeling positive all day..if only this could continue all day everyday. But then thats ok as well, I can cope with cr** days without running to gambling..am happy about that. Regards to all who read this..S.A

Posted on:
Sat, 09/08/2008 - 00:57

Destiny

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi S.A
Just sending you my congrats on staying strong and keeping focussed. I hate the cr***y days..too..really takes all my focus to stay strong, but we do and we should be proud.
Stay strong and hope you have a good week-end
Love and Hugs
xxx Destiny xxx

Posted on:
Sat, 09/08/2008 - 21:57

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Another day passes gambling free. Thanks for your thoughts Destiny :-)

I have had a mild hangover today..but its gradually lifted as the day has gone on..just left with this residual tiredness that will only be cured by a good nights sleep. Some day I will find sufficent motivation not to spend my time standing in noisy pubs on a Friday night drinking beer. Whilst I like the time spent chatting with friends ive gone out with, I find that after that I just get bored and then drinking beer passes the time. Am not really a party animal.. lol. I spose this is the thing of still being single though..one feels obliged to go to these places in the chance that one might meet someone..but for me its not a good environment

Today ive been down the gym..50 mins on the tread mill..bit much really especially as I dont drink any water while running..I find the dehydration hits me hard a couple of hours later.. and as for the munchies.well thats another story.

Am thinking alot about doing a course in September.. I want to do the diploma in counselling but its quite expensive and a big committment and alot of hard work.. I think its the direction I want to go in though..its suits my personality very well I think.. and have very much enjoyed previous counselling courses i have done. I think it would be good for my own recovery from gambling addiction as it would be good for my self-esteem. Helping others to help themselves also helps me. And of course personal development is all part and parcel of it. Am just nervous of taking the plunge.

I think that although my diary hasnt been filled with huge amounts of positivity since I have started it (in part due to on-going issuse at work which I am working through) I am still proud of myself for not gambling (of course) but also how far i have come in life since the dark days of nothingness when every day was a gambling day..when i lived a soulless life aimlessly wandering from arcade to arcade..slot machine to slot machine.. cash point to cash point.. a zombie I was..trapped in my own thoughts.. trapped in a world of potential jackpots.. convincing myself that my gambling was about money when really it was nothing to do with it..trapped in my own hoplessness.

Their was a period when I still had credit cards and debit cards where money was plentiful when I went for months not really having a conversation where I was talk ing about stuff going on for me..with anyone. People did not interest me or so I thought...my thoughts were distorted such was the power my conpulsion to gamble had over me.

I have come along long way since those times... I have made my life better.. I feel better.. I want to live life... One day at a time of course!

Anyway my thoughts have started rolling this evening time to stop now. Regards to all who read this. S.A :-)

Last gamble was on the 25th of May this year.

Posted on:
Mon, 11/08/2008 - 03:34

the-bailiffs

Joined:
Before 2009

Morning SA xx
Rodders 'er....
just a line to say well done on reaching and passing day 75 gamble free xxx there are a whole host of us now up to and past the big 50 I hope you know we're hot on your tail xx
I know what you mean about going to pubs and once the conversation has slowlly dried up and you are left with just the beer !! not really been a drinker myself but often out of politeness end up down the pub...some people have no imagination..lol..
gotta go...best of luck with day 100...it's just around the corner for you xx
Rodders

Posted on:
Mon, 11/08/2008 - 20:48

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Thanks for that Rodders... I like your style of writing..puts a smile on my face :-)

Today has been a good day..feel relatively calm and relaxed in myself..have dealt with little problems and issues as they have come along. Enjoyed a nice sauna after work and have just eaten a load of seriously strong cheddar cheese on water biscuits..but hey thats allowed sometimes :-)

No gambling urges or vague thoughts of gambling either..all is fine. Regards to all who read this..S.A

Posted on:
Tue, 12/08/2008 - 02:14

the-bailiffs

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi S.A. xx
Rodders 'ere...
just read your post on Charly's diary...Dale would be sooo proud of you xx
tell me have you heard of Zig Ziglar ????
Rodders

Posted on:
Tue, 12/08/2008 - 08:48

Sabine

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi S.A.
Thank you for your kind and so very true words in my diary. :)
Rodders is right. You can be very proud of yourself for the outlook you have now you've stopped gambling.
Carry on the good work on yourself and on the postive comments you add here.
God Bless
Charly :)

Posted on:
Tue, 12/08/2008 - 22:41

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Thanks for your thoughts Rodders and Charly :-)

Today has been a good day. Am just back from a GA meeting..only the second one ive been to in a very long time. It was a good meeting enjoyed listening to others thoughts..a good mix of people struggling and others who have been gambling free for many years. I was the second to speak and found myself a little more nervous than i thought i would be..struggled to find stuff to say. I dont enjoy speaking in groups, partly a confidence thing i guess and partly just my over active nervous system. Perhaps this is part of the reason I am here typing away in my cyber diary. I feel at ease in cyber space the real world and real people is full of uncertainty..cyber space is predictable.

Having said all of this i shall go again to G.A cos i know it does me some good..gets me out and about and around people i have never met before. I think it also adds that sense of accountability. I am accountable both to this my diary and to the G.A group. It helps I think to make oneself accountable. I am working my recovery..cos i know that to not work my recovery..means a gradual drift back to a place where gambling becomes a possibility. But today i have not struggled..as I say..today has been a good day.. and I intend to make tomorrow another good day. Regards to all who read this.

My last gamble of any kind was on Sunday the 25th of May this year

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