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#1 Posted on:
Mon, 26/05/2008 - 13:32

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Gambling sucks!

I feel gutted today after a big binge and have a raging headache..am all out of words.. just want to get back on track. Life feels better without gambling... and at this moment in time I feel pretty cr**p.

Dear gambling Addiction,

Well to be honest i don't think you deserve to be called Dear cos your anything but. Your a scheming manipulative b*****d... nothing more!

You promised me a little fun a little light relief from the pressures of life and o yes lots of extra money. All that money you faithfully prmised. But o know all you really brought me was financial drain and personal misery over and over and over again to the point that i just wanted to die. You conniving b*****d!

And not only did you not live up too your promises you had the ****** gaul to watch me pick up the pieces and start to put my life back together only then to come back with yet more promises to be different this time different from the /////// from the past. But o no it was just more of the ****** same wasn't it. You b*****d! You smug b*****d!!

Goodbye and good riddance I don't want nothing to do with you anymore. I am a happier human being without the likes of you. Your no friend of mine. Your my history and not my future. The end.

For anyone stumbling across my diary, My vice is Slots Slot machines have been my curse for many years. Some of the consequnces have been as follows...

1. Debt leading to Bankruptcy

2. Emotional break down and suicidal thoughts on many occasions

3. Periods when ive been unable to work due to 2. and 1.

4. Missed oppurtunities due to 3. 2. and 1.

Gambling only leads to misery and despair. Stay well clear!

Labbi Sifre... I got the...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKISdd2mKzU
 

Posted on:
Mon, 26/05/2008 - 16:46

Lucy2

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi

Glad you ahve started your diary, have replied to you on teh New Members Section but wanted to pop in and say hi..

Sorry that you are feeling cr** - but as you know it will get better and teh cr** day will simply pass..

The last 3 years have mot been a waste they have helped you to recognise what you need to do and where you want to be..

A Warm Welcome
Love
Lucy
xxxx

Posted on:
Tue, 03/06/2008 - 23:05

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Thank you Lucy for your warm reply and yes the cr** has passed. The panic of my gambling episode has passed and I am and feel very much back on track.

I am able to remind myself how far i have come from the bad old days where gambling for me was a daily occurence and all consuming. I feel under quite alot of stress in life at the moment and have been for several months but I am coping. I am stronger than i think sometimes. I have strength of character. I am not the frightened mouse that i once was. I am able to embrace life and whatever it may send my way without using gambling as an avoidance tactic.

Posted on:
Thu, 05/06/2008 - 21:59

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Am not in best sorts this evening. low in mood.. bit depressed..bit apathetic..kind of shrugging my shoulders in a child like way..bit sulky. I notice i get like this when I have been feeling angry about stuff which i have..I have been surpressing the anger and all that.

I think the goings on at my work contributed to my slip 11 days ago. I guess I had not been coping with it that well. This evening i feel sad but thank fully no urges to gamble. I am still proud of the fact that i have only gambled once in the last 3 and a bit years..so well done to me!

Posted on:
Fri, 06/06/2008 - 21:54

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Its felt quite hard again today..an air of miserableness about me and feeling tired and listless. Trying to motivate myself to start looking for another job but struggling to do so. I feel my confidence starting to ebb away. i guess its just how I feel today and tommoroow I may feel differently.

I think one positive thing that.. having been feeling down this evening i did manage to pick up the phone and have a chat to a mate which has lifted my spirits a little. Also I went for a swim earlier which always helps. Thank fully no urges to gamble.

Posted on:
Sat, 07/06/2008 - 11:14

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Am feeling quite a bit better than i did yesterday or the day before for that matter. Nothing like a good nights sleep. I think it also demonstrates how much issues to do with work are getting to me at the moment. I think it gradually builds up during the week. Anyway the weather is good I will try to enjoy the weekend while it lasts. No urges to gamble.

Posted on:
Sun, 08/06/2008 - 19:41

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Not a bad weekend atall really.. have been quite social for me.. though a bit much to drink last night. Had a good session down the gym today and enjoying the loverly sunny weather. No urges to gamble..two weeks clean today.

Posted on:
Tue, 10/06/2008 - 02:19

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Normally I can sleep at night. This night I cant. Perhaps its the warmth or perhaps its the fact that I feel stressed. Ive felt this low level stress for months now..work related. I feel angry about things. I need to be taking action to find myself a new job and yet I seem not to be doing so. I am procrastinating. I feel worried and anxious about the future. I have been comfort eating this evening probably another reason i cannot sleep. No urges to gamble though.. have just arrived at day 16 gamble free.

Posted on:
Tue, 10/06/2008 - 21:53

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Tired. Fed up. Am not so happy with how i handled myself and my emotions today. Is no surprise I spose after only a little sleep last night. How easilly I can be thrown off balance. I am generally in bad headspace at the moment..fortunately it has not led to urges to gamble..not today anyway..not at this moment in time. My thoughts are confused..time to sleep if i can.

Posted on:
Wed, 11/06/2008 - 20:23

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Another difficult day..work pre-occupies my thoughts once again. An emotional rollercoaster it is just not as bad as it use to be when I was gambling. I am proud of myself that I can cope without running to gambling but everything feels difficult at the moment. I feel angry about this that and the other. Sometimes I worry that i will lose the plot one day and shout at someone I didn't want to shout at. Anyway the situation at my work will resolve itself soon. Just take things as they come.. one day at a time and all that. 17 days since my slip. No urges to gamble today.

Posted on:
Thu, 12/06/2008 - 21:48

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Ive had a **** day..emotions all over the place. Its all happening at work now..am struggling to see the wood for the trees. Am taking a pragmatic approach and just trying to look after myself and my own interests..its not easy though. I have strength of character and will see myself through my current difficulties. I am dealing with lifes problems without escaping to gambling..18 days since my slip. No urges to gamble at this time.

Posted on:
Fri, 13/06/2008 - 21:59

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

I've had a better day than yesterday.. though I feel tired and worn out and run down. However I am making the effort to eat properly and have stayed off any alcohol the last few days. My inner strength remains solid and no urges to gamble. Its helping me to write a little something in my diary on a daily basis at the moment. Kind of helps to put the day into some sort of order, some sort of perspective.

Posted on:
Sat, 14/06/2008 - 23:01

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Well another day passes gambling free. have just got back from a meal and a few beers with a mate. Had the option of more beer and a club put decided not to. Good move i think am not feeling great.. my thoughts are a bit all over the place.. stress levels still high from recent developments at work and am just generally tired and ill looking.

In the past i'd probably gone for a session and v.late night and then woken the following day with alcohol melancholly and then gone and gambled to cheer myself up..not any more though.. am getting older and wiser or older atleast lol Its a question of self-protection and being good to myself I think. Anyway no urges to gamble so thats good.

Posted on:
Sun, 15/06/2008 - 12:51

Lucy2

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi

Love how you have out it - self protection. That is so spot on..

Protecting ourselves is not as easy as it sounds but lol I am working on it..

Sleep - I find that if I am good to myself and get some sleep what struggles that come my way are that little bit easier to manage.

Sorry you are feeling stressed out at work.. I used to get all worked up about stuff and people at work now I tend to say fiddly flower pettals, or tell myself dignity and pride and it makes me smile as I tell mysefl in my head with dealing with others at work. kinda of takes the edge of things..

Be proud of how you are dealing with YOU. Its a slow process.. But you will get where you want to be..

Love & HUgs
Lucy
xxx

Posted on:
Sun, 15/06/2008 - 15:09

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Thanks for your thoughts Lucy :-)

As you say "fiddle flower pettals", anything to help put a smile on ones face. i am really am not looking forward to going into work tomorrow but such is life. I remind myself that often when I think its gonna be a difficult day it often turns out to be fine.

And as you say Lucy..to get good sleep also helps to deal with life the following day and the problems one may face. The same goes of course for eating well..when i eat well i feel more alive.

And the same goes for exercise.. today i managed 8km plus on the tread mill in 45 mins.. am very pleased with that. I am enjoying the healthy glow that follows. Chicken stir fry for tea..nice :-)

No urges to gamble today..3 weeks since my slip.

Posted on:
Mon, 16/06/2008 - 13:33

Lucy2

Joined:
Before 2009

HI Hon

Saw your post on OPG gambling. Hope you didn`t think I was against your words as for me once a gambler always a gambler sits with me as in teh end that is what I am and in a way feels good to know that. lol infact makes me grown up and sensible as I am being honest..

Knowing what we know and seeing that can only help us along the way. i know I am a compulsive gambler so there is only 2 choice for me 1) gamble - Life over - or- 2) enjoy recovery - life begins..

Hope you are doing ok tody with the work stuff that is going on and you are in a place where you want to be with it xx

I joined a gym a few montsh agon - went only 3 times. Funny after reading your post yesterday me and Hubby are going to join together - no tie ins so am looking forward to us doing something we can enjoy together...

The last 3 years have been all worth it, take a step back and see who you was then and who you are now.. Hope you are now smiling xxx

Take Care
Love
Lucy
xxxx

Posted on:
Mon, 16/06/2008 - 20:03

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Thank you Lucy.. I hear your thoughts and they have helped me... helped to settle me.. helped me to stay with the forum and continue with my journal.

Go for it re the gym :-)

By the way I don't mind if your against my words anyway..thats fine. For me most of the time if I read something that i disagree with or if it felt like a personal attack then i am able to ignore it and not let it work me up into a lather. However yesterday I didnt do that but as you say when i "take a step back" as i am now I can see that it wasnt peoples remarks that got me wound up..it was ME that got me wound up. And I got wound up pure and simple because i am not in good headspace at the moment. I feel very unhappy in my place of work and i need to move on.

The good thing about all this though is that i am not using it as an excuse to go off and gamble. i can live with my unhappiness without making it worse by gambling. As a last thought I am going to think more carefully before posting elsewhere. I think that arguments break out on the forum not so much concerning what people say rather than how they say it. when I say something its simply what i feel at that moment in time..doesnt mean to say its right.

Despite everything I have no urges to gamble today.

Posted on:
Tue, 17/06/2008 - 02:47

Anna1

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi SA. Sorry I'm a bit belated in my welcoming you to the forum. Have just caught up on your new members post and here as well. I'm Lucy's "sis" Anna, and saw your post in OPG as well. I love what you wrote here about fights breaking out here because of how people say things. It is so very true. People here often say things thoughtlessly without a care to how they might affect people's feelings, and it really gets to me sometimes. But, like you said, it is ME getting wound up, and then I have to take a step back. Makes perfect sense.

I also know how you feel about being in a bad headspace at the moment. It makes it hard to move forward sometimes, doesn't it? I hope you are able to resolve your work issues and find a job that will make your life happier. We all deserve that in life...

Anyway, just wanted to wish you a warm and belated welcome...

Love, Anna

Posted on:
Tue, 17/06/2008 - 22:30

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hello Anna and thank you for your warm welcome. Just to follow on from your thoughts.. I notice that my stress levels have fallen a little today and consequently other peoples behaviour is bothering me less. For me their is a direct correlation between my stress and my feeling negative stuff towards/about others..deflection. The frustrating part of it though is that often i do not realise this at the time..its only when my stress reduces that i can see that its not others its ME. I try to learn... its just that sometimes my emotional brain gets the better of me i think. I spose its a little like being overwhelmed by the emotional rollercoaster of gambling when in action. For me it was only well after the event that i was fully able to tune in with the consequnces of my actions. it was like I had been hijacked by a part of me i had no control over..not that i make excuses. We/I have choices at any point.

Anyway another gambling free day passes.

Posted on:
Wed, 18/06/2008 - 20:40

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Well..here I am..once again another day of mixed emotions. I feel sadness. I feel fatigue. I feel stress. But I am not gambling. all for today I think.

Posted on:
Wed, 18/06/2008 - 22:25

Anna1

Joined:
Before 2009

((Starting)),

I don't know about you, but for me, gambling was a way to hide from my emotions, and once I stopped, the emotions that overwhelmed me were just terrifying to deal with. But, in time they seem to stabilize a little bit, so hang in there. Sounds clique, so forgive me, but it really is true. I'm sending big hugs your way from across the ocean.....

Love, Anna

Posted on:
Thu, 19/06/2008 - 09:53

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi anna..yes agree..absolutely. And to be honest I do feel very proud of myself that in the last 5 years or so.. I can count the number of times I have gambled on the fingers of one hand. This is in the context of having been a daily gambling (and I do mean every day) for several years. So when i think about my slip a few weeks ago and put it onto that context.. my recovery is still very much on track. I can cope with my emotions without resorting to gambling most of the time.

I slep quite well last night..I feel on a level today. Off to work soon.. I will do my best to make today a good day. Regards to all who read this.

Posted on:
Fri, 20/06/2008 - 21:30

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Im feel tired and rather depressed.. I spose I shouldnt with the weekend approaching and all that, but at this moment in time I feel down in the dumps. I think perhaps after a good nights sleep I will be fine. Again I had the oppurtunity to go and sink some beer with a friend but decided wisely not to.

In the past I would have had 3 or 4 beers after work and then made my excuses to go off and gamble or spent half the night on the beer and ended up on some fruit machine and then also gone gambling the follow day to get a high to cope with the hangover. I do this no more. Most of the time I choose carefully whether its ok for me to have a few drinks depending on how i am feeling. Today i did not feel good so I did not drink. A wise choice i think.

Anyway..no urges to gamble today..recovery continues

Posted on:
Fri, 20/06/2008 - 22:08

Anna1

Joined:
Before 2009

(((SA)))

I'm so sorry that you're feeling low right now. Again, big hugs from across the ocean. I know it doesn't help much, but it's all I can do from here except be your friend.

Knowing your limits as far as when you can go out and drink and when you can't is an amazing acheivement, I'd say. It takes a lot of people a long time to recognize that.

I hope that you get out and do at least one fun thing for yourself this weekend sweetie. It might help.

Love, Anna

Posted on:
Sat, 21/06/2008 - 10:28

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Thanks Anna.. your supporting thoughts caused a small smile to develope :-) ta

I slept well last night..so am feeling more on a level today..I shall see how the day pans out.

Posted on:
Sat, 21/06/2008 - 14:57

Anna1

Joined:
Before 2009

Ahh, I can almost see it .... there it is .... a tiny crack of a small smile .... wait, wait, it's starting to grow, just a bit ......... :)

Hope your Saturday has improved by leaps and bounds. Mine is just getting started, as it's only 9 a.m. here in the U.S. I'm planning to get my dad's yard edged and mowed today if it doesn't rain. Exciting times! LOL.

Love and hugs,
Anna

Posted on:
Sat, 21/06/2008 - 20:18

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Thanks for dropping in Anna and yes I still have a little smile on my face :-) Hope your enjoying your mowing and gardening.. good for recovery and all that :)

I think part of the reason that I have a bit of a smile on my face is that I have made a decision.. a decision in principle but a decision nonetheless. Now this is progress for me..independant decision making dont come that easy for me lol.. cant make up my mind about alot of things... I think its probably a confidence thing.. having the confidence in myself to just follow through on what maybe good for me.. without in some way having to get the approval of someone else. Not sure if this is making sense.

But anyway..my decision is to resign from my job..not straight away but fairly soon..whether i have another job to go to or not. I have felt alot of stress related to my work and working environment over a long period of time.. this I feel was a major factor that led to my slip/relapse whatever i/we want to call it. The thing is my recovery has to come first. As a friend of mine said to me today... "its a question of survival". For me to return to full on compulsive gambling which would surely happen if my stress levels stay at current levels may well be the end for me. Am not sure that i would have the strength of character to pull myself out of any big whole that I might create for myself.

Anyway so there we go..the decision is made for all to read on this public forum. In a way it kind of helps me to tell the world because in some way that kind of sets it stone... its written confirmation that what I have decided to do i will follow through on.

I am going to speak to a few trusted souls about the timing of this all and start to make efforts to find new work. i think that if it takes me a while to find a new job..then thats ok... its summer I will cope..and thanks to being almost entirely gambling free over the last 3.5 years i have some savings.

This evening I managed 8.12 km in 45 minutes on the tread mill. this is my best distance for a 45 min run... am most pleased with myself :-) anyway am starting to ramble so i will stop for today. Regards to all who read this.

Posted on:
Sun, 22/06/2008 - 22:43

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Well.. 4 weeks today since my slip/relapse.. no gambling since then.. and no troublesome urges either. I am stressed though..just not feeling like going into work tomorrow. I will though..its often the case that once i am actually their its ok..its just that transition between home and work. Ive written my resignation but am going to sit in it for a while. Ive also been updating my CV. If I had some sense of what is to follow..work wise.. I would not hesitate to resign..but I dont. I need to put effort into searching for new work and new oppurtunities. I am known to procrastinate.. am not very proactive..struggle with motivation.

Ive had this before when i wasnt working. I lost confidence in myself quite quickly which then made it more difficult to get back into work. Once in work I am conscientious and hard working but I need to be careful in the decisions i make over the next few weeks so i dont set myself up for a fall. I am feeling rather uneasy and unsure in myself this evening. It helps me to write this down.

I have always suffered with low self-esteem. In some ways i know that i am a highly capable individual but often i sell myself short. No doubt my gambling filled that gap between the reality and the expectation that I put upon myself. I am self-aware but sometimes i wonder whether ignorance is bliss. Regards to all who read this.

Posted on:
Mon, 23/06/2008 - 20:13

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

I feel.. drained..emotionally drained at this moment in time after such a promising start to the day. I'd slept well and was on my own in work for some hours and I got so much done and felt so chilled out but as the day went on I found myself getting irritated by this and that and the other. I don't know whats wrong with me at the moment.

It is 29 days since my slip and no real urges to gamble.. but their is a part of me that feels as if I am a bet waiting to happen. I walk around with a resignation letter sitting in my bag. I am stressed. I am taking life very much one day at a time at the moment.

Posted on:
Tue, 24/06/2008 - 21:49

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

A difficult day.. I feel emotionally all over the place. But its one month today since my slip and no gambling in that time.. well done to me :-)

Posted on:
Wed, 25/06/2008 - 03:38

Anna1

Joined:
Before 2009

One month! That's fantastic!! I'm so proud of you SA. I know it feels like you've been on an emotional roller-coaster this whole time, but still, you've made it, and you're still here. Tired, but still here. Give yourself a pat on the back today my friend, because you deserve it.

Lots of love,
Anna

Posted on:
Wed, 25/06/2008 - 20:57

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Thanks Anna.. your an absolute star and yes I pat thyself on the back.

Today has been a relatively good day..atleast in comparison to recent ones. I walk around with a resignation letter in my bag but at no point was I thinking of handing it in. Today i enjoyed my work and the company of collegues. No problems. No urges to gamble and 31 days since my slip/relapse or whatever i am supposed to call it.. not that it really matters.

Have had a good sesssion down the gym..am gonna go and chill out now. Today i have a small smile :-)

Posted on:
Thu, 26/06/2008 - 22:25

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Yep today has been ok.. am just feeling tired.. no urges to gamble.. 32 days since my slip

Posted on:
Fri, 27/06/2008 - 09:06

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Well another day dawns gambling free. I have a relaxed day of it work wise am working a little from home which is a nice feeling.

Ive come on this morning to have a good old write but now am here and a few words spill on to the page, now i cant think of anything to say. I think sometimes this is a good sign it means stress levels have reduced a little. Or maybe its the fact that its morning and I havent fully woken up yet Lol

Ten minutes later. Nope still cant think of anything to say.. am just going to enjoy the day as much as I can. Day 33 since my slip. No urges to gamble.

Posted on:
Fri, 27/06/2008 - 09:41

blues

Joined:
Before 2009

Well Done SA, reading your diary has given me a taste of whats to come! I'm onto day 3 of my new life and have had lots of temptation over the last few days. Friday is normally my hardest day becase I used to pop in for a few pints and a few bets...not today, I will drive the long way home. You are doing great 32 days and counting, keep it up SA

Posted on:
Sat, 28/06/2008 - 22:25

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Thanks blues for your comments. Funny you should mention having a few pints on a Friday night..thats exactly what i did last night together with a few bottles of some sickly sweet vodka based alco pop type drink. Before I new it it was the middle of the night and I was drunk. The good news is that I did not gamble or even have any thoughts of gambling for that matter. The bad news is that ive had a hangover from hell. Ive done absolutely nothing productive until this evening..what a waste of a day.

Anyway its 34 days since my slip.. taking life one day at a time as always. Am looking forward to tomorrow when the alcohol melancholly will have worn off and I can start feeling more alive once more. Regards to all who read this.

Posted on:
Sun, 29/06/2008 - 22:05

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Well another day passes gambling free..day 35. I feel well today and have been and felt productive. I had a good session down the gym.. 8.30 km's in 45 minutes on the tread mill which is a record for me... so i give thyself a pat on the back. I am also continuing to use my juicer on a daily basis..which means that i get my five a day of fruit and vege. Ive been doing this for a couple of weeks now and have started to notice a difference. I feel a little healthier (except for hangover yesterday of course) and have also lost a little bit of weight. Now anybody reading this might think... Why is he talking about a juicer on a dealing with problem gambling forum?.. and my answer to that is that I have come to fully accept that healthy body equals a healthy mind and when my mind is healthy I am more able to deal with "thoughts" concerning gambling.

When thinking about this I would/should stop drinking alcohol altogether cos it knocks me sideways every time. I can go for weeks and sometimes months without drinking at all and then suddenly I have a session and get drunk. I am a social drinker only. It used to be a certain stepping stone to gambling but not now... though it's a dangerous game I play I think.

Anyway back to work tomorrow. As often is the case I don't really want to go in but I know that once their and doing what i do I will be ok. I enjoy certain aspects of my job.. I work in a helping capacity which also helps me.. but at the same time I know it is time for me to move on. I think that while I continue to procrastinate and delay and not find the courage to make positive changes then i may continue to struggle within myself. But as always I continue to take life very much one day at a time.

I have arranged some family visits over the summer..spend some time with neices and nephews... this will be nice. It also helps to break the pattern of my life..my life can get a bit samey a bit monotonous. I dont really know what its like to go on holiday and actually have a good time. I havent actually been on a proper holiday for years. Another consequnces of gambling. For years I preferred to stand in front of a machine rather than take a break. A sad thought if I allow myself to dwell on it. Anyway i leave it their for now. This is just my thoughts at this moment in time.

Posted on:
Mon, 30/06/2008 - 20:14

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Well another day passes gambling free..day 36 since slip. Its not been a good day. Late last night I had an attack of paranoia and suspicion about something at work..as it turned out my suspicions were unfounded..but it cost me a good nights sleep and I struggled all day to function properly. My saving grace was the peace and tranquility of a swim, sauna and jacuzzi.

Who ever said life was easy? I continue to struggle in myself but am coping to a fashion. I need to try and take back control of my life.. I seem to react to events only. Am taking life a day at a time as always.

Posted on:
Mon, 30/06/2008 - 21:13

Anna1

Joined:
Before 2009

Hey SA. 36 gamble free days! That's fantastic. I really liked your post about a healthy mind and body connection. It's really true, although I find I don't devote near enough time to trying to make my body healthy. I need to work on that - thanks for the reminder.

Do you also find that exercise takes your mind off gambling as well? I found that when I was walking regularly every day, I just didn't have time to think about it?

Glad to see you're still doing well...

Love, Anna

Posted on:
Mon, 30/06/2008 - 21:27

pepper

Joined:
Before 2009

Don't let your moods get you down, SA. You know they are only temporary. I get the craziest doomladen thoughts in my head about things. (My doctor told me it was 'catastrophising'!)

Stopping an addiction can mean other hidden things rise to the surface. I think though that if I can deal with the morning after a gambling session and all the panic and horror and regret that goes with that then I feel I can cope with the normal difficulties of life in all its warts and all.
But I struggle with this too!

Posted on:
Tue, 01/07/2008 - 09:20

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Day 37 since slip

Hi Anna.. Yes I find walking, running, swimming any sport any exercise hugely beneficial to my recovery and not just the healthy body healthy mind connection. It also helps me (for the most part anyway) to switch off from whatever angst/worry/stress/anger that may be floating around my headspace. For me these emotions tend to build up during the day so the best time for exercise for me is late afternoon early evening.

Hi Pepper.. yes the panic and horror after a gambling session is trully horrible is it not. I find it helps to keep that in mind as an instinctual thought that kicks in when the gambling head starts talking. I do not want to go their again. I also guess its being able to turn negative thinking into positive thinking..I continue to struggle with this.

Anyway another day has started. I slept quite well and I intend to make today a good day. Regards to all who read this.

Posted on:
Tue, 01/07/2008 - 21:36

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Well basically its been a good and positive day.. with no gambling of course! :-)

Posted on:
Wed, 02/07/2008 - 21:05

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Another day draws to a close gambling free. Its once again felt like a bit of an emotional rollercoaster at work but ive managed, ive coped am more or less on an even keel as i sit here and type this

I managed 5.51 km's on tread mill in 30 mins today. Not bad atall I thought

No urges to gamble.. 38 days clean.

Posted on:
Wed, 02/07/2008 - 21:08

Anna1

Joined:
Before 2009

Wow, SA, you are putting me to shame with those workouts. I'd better get my a$s in gear and get moving! Seriously!

One day closer to freedom, my friend.... one day further away from those chains...

Lots of love,
Anna

Posted on:
Wed, 02/07/2008 - 21:12

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Thanks Anna. Am smiling in your direction :-)

Posted on:
Thu, 03/07/2008 - 21:32

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Another day draws to a close gambling free.. 39 days since my slip.

Its felt like another day of real emotional ups and downs. One moment feeling calm and relaxed and cheerful and then something little happens and I feel angry or stressed or overwhlemed and then I settle again...only for something else to come along.

This is life of course but in recent weeks and months its felt really quite bad.. and as I have said to myself in this diary before..until i find the courage to make some changes nothing is likely to change with my emotional health.

I am stronger than my addiction and i take life just one day at a time.

My search for inner peace and contentment is a life times journey.

Well done to me on my gambling free time.

Posted on:
Fri, 04/07/2008 - 21:56

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Day 40 gambling free.

I feel tired, angry, fed up and p***** off today but I am gambling free and for that i am happy.

Its strange that I am struggling with issues in my life..most notably work issues but not with gambling. I am not having urges to gamble.

Anyway all for now my eyes are hurting I squint when i look at the screen.

Posted on:
Sat, 05/07/2008 - 20:56

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Day 41 gambling free.

Its been one of those steadilly improving days. I awoke still thinking about issues to do with work..feeling angry about this n that..problems unresolved..issues with collegues..the list goes on. I notice that my own mental health is often at its worse on Friday after a full week at work..its as if things steadilly build up and i dont know how to process it all and I dont know how to simply switch off. Obviously in the past I would have taken the edge off with gambling but not now. I live and breath whatever is going on in my headspace.

Anyway as I was saying my day gradually improved..sent a few emails made a few phone calls.. spoke to a couple of friends.. had a joke and a laugh.. this helped. Later when I went down the gym I felt much calmer and on a level.. at peace with myself.

This evening I made a nice meal and enjoyed eating it. In the past I seldom ever cooked no time to cook or to eat properly when gambling. I use to graze on food like packet sandwiches, suasage rolls, burger king burgers and macdonalds breakfasts..cr** instant and expensive fast food.. together with the obligatory random chocolate bars and lots of coffee. Nowadays I eat much better and feel much better as a result.. I still eat takeaways and some fast food but its much much less.

No urges to gamble today. On to the next.

Posted on:
Sun, 06/07/2008 - 08:37

Searchingfor

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi Starting Over,
My name is Julie. I am relatively new here to the forum. I have been reading diaries, trying to get to know the people here. I have just finished yours, and wanted to pop in and say hi! I am 15 days clean today from a slip/relapse whatever we choose to call it. I am impressed with your strength and ability to stay in the moment and just deal with the emotions you are feeling at the time. I too am all over the place emotionally, seems to be the normal thing that when we stop gambling our emotions spill out ....and spill out.
Hugs,
Julie

Posted on:
Sun, 06/07/2008 - 17:11

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi Julie and well done on your 15 days.

Funny you should mention about staying in the moment and living with the emotions in the here and now. Yes I am doing that but damn hard at the moment. Today my thoughts and emotions really are all over the place.. I can't see the wood for the trees..this is work related as always. I want to burst into tears but somehow that thing of "men don't cry" has hold of me. I understand the principle of feeling the emotion and that once felt it loses its power to wear one down..its just today I am busilly surpressing my emotions. Today is very hard.

I am struggling to find the courage to make changes in my life. I struggle to smile.

I have not gambled today..for this i am pleased.

Posted on:
Mon, 07/07/2008 - 20:11

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

I am having moments when i am really starting to question my own sanity at the moment. I am kind of half laughing here but also there is a level of truth to it. My thoughts and emotions feel so jumbled as of late that i am not really able to see the wood for the tree's. Of course in writing this i am yet again largely referring to my work which consumes my thoughts much of the time. I need an exit strategy but as yet have not found one. Strangely I have had no urges to gamble perhaps because I have been so pre-occupied with thinking about work related stuff.

My life is not balanced at the moment but I am not gambling.. and gambling is certainly not an option. I am pulling away from counting days I agree with people when they say it sets one up to fail. I previously counted past the 1000 mark only to gamble and return to day 1.. the day that I started this journal. The thing is I didn't see it as failure but at the same time.. to focus on counting aint really living life i think. for anyone reading this my last bet of any kind was on Sunday 25th of May 08

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