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Posted on:
Tue, 09/10/2018 - 13:35

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Happy birthday my man. Warmest regards to you.

Posted on:
Wed, 10/10/2018 - 17:05

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Afternoon dear diary.
Signalman thanks for the kind wishes, as I said to the lad in the gym last night when he wished me a happy birthday, I guess when you get to a certain age you try to forget it's your birthday lol.
So I had a really good session in the chair yesterday with my tattooist he got a good bit of my upper arm covered and with a few more hours work in a couple of weeks booked the tattoo that was there will be a mere memory. I am delighted with the design and even more delighted to again have spent a few hours in the company of such a decent fellow.
We talked a great deal in the last hour of the session about addiction, me from an addicts view and him from the point of view of a victim, another innocent victim of this addiction.
His ex partner and mother of two is still an active compulsive gambler, to listen to the life he was led for two years was truly sobering and in truth again it would be like ripping pages of my own life story.
But that true with a great deal of compulsive gamblers is it not, the lies come too easily, the deceit and denial.
I lived that life, danced progressively to a tune that only ever benefitted addiction.
The question I am most often asked by non compulsive gamblers is why can't you walk away when you are winning??
The response I give always the same.
I cannot win because I cannot stop.
The life mantra of the compulsive gambler.
I also shared the fact.
How do you make a compulsive gambler a millionaire??
Simple start him a billionaire.

I offered some advice, the main thing don't help to feed addiction.
He gives money every week for the keep and bills, I said you should food shop and pay the bills. Because I know that money was simply fuel that fed addiction.
Cut off the fuel and the fire cannot burn.
I finished with the fact for me that an addict can only arrest addiction when they are ready, intervention just doesn't work.
I was grateful for the chat, it was enlightening and humbling.
So today is mental health awareness day, a day where I hope that the powers that be will see the terrible state of mental health services and actually do something about making it better, more accessible and as an outcome something that creates a better system of care to mental health patients.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Sat, 13/10/2018 - 06:50

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning dear diary
Two long days at the stove done and three more on the bounce to follow, without doubt back to back to back 13/14 hour days are a great deal easier when you are doing something that doesn't feel like work.
Equally this is the first time in my life that I have worked a job that isn't salaried so that makes it a great deal more worthwhile.
Sarah went off to her job before me this morning, a job which has given her a new zest for living.
Addiction is cornered, it's got no avenue to run down to re enter the fray, the tables have turned because as an active gambler that was me the one cornered running down a blind alley.
Today I will enjoy the light.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Sat, 13/10/2018 - 12:55

Rhoda

Joined:
2016-12-06

Hi Duncs, one of the few names I recognise on here, having not posted in a while. Good to see you continuing forward in your journey. Read a few comments back, your pleas for people not to isolate themselves, so true, it is such a danger to a gambling addict: an opportunity to feel sorry for ourselves, time and opportunity for gambling to creep in. Enjoy your day.

Posted on:
Thu, 18/10/2018 - 07:44

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning dear diary.
Rhoda thanks for popping by.
So my dear friend I had a busy, long weekend, one of the chefs had to be sent home as he was very ill with a chest infection and despite his pleas that he would survive I packed him off home to bed so his antibiotics would be able to work. I picked up the extra work load and hours and again a good productive weekend was had.
On Friday night walking my beloved hounds I got bitten on the leg by what my doctor believes to be a spider, because on Tuesday I had to visit the surgery as my leg was severely swollen and very angry looking. I had taken antihistamine and piled on the bite cream all weekend to no avail and when I visited the chemist on Monday I was told to get to a doctor.
So I am now on antibiotics, in the night it has appeared to have burst all over the place so I have cleaned it up and will continue to take the pills, there appears to be a hole growing in the middle of the wound so I will keep an eye on it today.
Yesterday I was labouring, a long days graft made harder by my leg which burnt all day.
Today a day off, one I will spend with Sarah as she is also off.
For now I have returned to bed, not something I often do, but today I will answer to my bodies request.
Just for today I will look out for number one.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Posted on:
Fri, 19/10/2018 - 11:48

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning dear diary.
So my antibiotics are beginning to work, this afternoon I am back to the stove for a ten day straight so I am glad to be feeling better.
I have seen a great deal of the Alan Carr book mentioned over the past week, something I have not read but did read his book on giving up smoking and still smoke so I am a bit sceptical.
I have said the words that have been shared many times in my time here.
Recovery is bespoke, there is no absolute recipe for it, so if it is tailored to fit and the outcome is the same then for me that is fantastic.
For me abstinence, arresting the next bet is and was the easiest part.
Apply the triangle.
Time - money - location
Take at least one away at all times and you simply cannot have a punt.
But I know that didn't change the person I had become, in fact arresting the punt led me to procrastinate more, feel more unworthy, more angry.
I had to change.
Change came by working the steps, with other like minded folk and from that came honesty and a desire to live and change.
I equally had to be ready and fully committed.
For the first four and a half years I wrote this thread I wasn't, no book or sound advice would have changed that.
Today it's different, this morning rather than procrastinating about Alan Carr I think I might give his smoking book another try.
Today I have the ability to change, because I have a want to live the best life I can for myself.
That took a great deal of time to come about
And numerous sources.
My eggs are no longer in one basket.
That works for me.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Fri, 19/10/2018 - 23:49

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Thanks for this post dunc... For 2 reasons:

1) you made me laugh with the passage about reading the smoking book then continuing to smoke :o) not sure if that was an intentional joke but it made me chuckle.

2) I have seen so much positive feedback re Allen Carr's book on here that I bought it... But now I won't open it. Someone mentioned that maybe I'm not fully ready to give up on gambling that's why? This got me worried. Having read your post I now realise that I'm ok with having the book and not reading it yet... Like you my eggs are happily placed in various baskets right now and I just can't carry any more baskets currently... My hands are full and I'll end up dropping a basket and breaking eggs if I'm not careful. When the load gets lighter and I have more capacity I'll read it then. Thanks a lot dunc.

Posted on:
Sat, 20/10/2018 - 06:44

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning diary.
Signalman fella I guess I have a kind of gallows humour, but there was a serious point in the words I wrote. For me to be told someone is playing a con trick doesn't sit well with me and it leaves me seeking revenge, I become sort of entrenched with it, it consumes my every thought.
For me the day I accepted that gambling wasn't the problem I was, was the day I moved forward.
Gambling will always exist and has way before my time.
I am on route back to work.
Bring it on.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Mon, 22/10/2018 - 09:03

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning dear diary.
So yesterday was a tough day, we had put a hundred plus meals over the pass by half past two and ran out of our roasts. I had to send one lad home after ten minutes of his shift as he was sick and the other chef is on a week's holiday so Sarah and lily filled the hole, luckily they were free as I wouldn't have got through service without them.
We had fun and all shared a Chinese last night through the gratuities we earned.
So today I am starting a new week, seven days at the stove of which I will enjoy every minute.
Then next week I am cooking Monday and then handing over the kitchen and my keys on Tuesday.
I am comfortable with decision, truthfully it is opening the door to the opportunity to earn more or less the same money for less hours a week and a great deal less stress.
I am finally looking after myself first and foremost and as a result my family will benefit.
Tonight we close earlier and I will be able to reward myself with a steam and sauna on my way home.
Addiction sits and watches, praying for the opportunity to try and re enter into the forefront of my mind.
Just for today I won't be leaving any doors open.
That is enough.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

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