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Posted on:
Wed, 23/01/2019 - 09:44

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Seven years since you found recovery in the form of this forum Duncan. I am not entirely sure whether this warrants a congratulations, but the progress you have made with the all the ups and downs and all the people you have made a mark upon is quite inspiring and certainly does. Thank you. Here's to another 7 gamble free years and more.

Best wishes,

Markman

Posted on:
Wed, 23/01/2019 - 11:55

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Hi Dunc

I hope you're well. Busy as ever by the sounds of things.

Im not sure why - but can't seem to shake off thoughts and feelings of 'lost time' to gambling... It's hurting me today and making me feel empty. I know it's not healthy to think about this and consequently feel this way... However can't seem to shake it.

Any advice (when you get a moment spare from your manic schedule!)

Posted on:
Thu, 24/01/2019 - 08:57

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning dear diary
Fellas thanks for popping by, Markman it will only be a worthwhile celebration if the future continues to change.
And change it does.
Signalman I have written a reply on your thread I hope my ramblings were of some help.
As I wrote yesterday I believe that fundamentally I was approaching life from the wrong angle, the search for the problem free life.
Life is a puzzle of problems it's choosing the ones to solve and not procrastinating about the ones which bare little or no significance.
The smallest things were always polarised and I ran from the most important issues.
From it I was bogged down, entrenched with feelings of hopelessness.
Like I couldn't catch a break.
The truth is that I didn't need to, I have a glass half full and a life I am wholly content with so today if I have a problem to deal with I can decide whether it warrants my attention.
It works.
I believe as an outcome I look in the mirror and accept what looks back, I spent a lifetime trying to see someone else.
Life in this skin is ok.
Just for today I am at ease with that.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Posted on:
Fri, 25/01/2019 - 16:03

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Afternoon diary.
A break in proceedings at work, a new dessert menu to be installed tonight so we are busy baking and putting the finishing touches together, I have overfilled the bakewell tart cases so they look like overflowing volcanoes in the oven, we will see if we can trim them once they have cooled later and another batch is ready for the oven in case we can't.
I find pastry work a chore, in the main I guess I don't eat a lot of desserts, give me a bar of chocolate or a bag of American hard gums and I am made up.
But I accept the responsibility to try and produce a good menu full of memories for folk, so we are trying our best.
Funny the owners have spent the past couple of days pushing me to put some vegan options on the next menu and I am not overly keen, why??
Because we have a small operation and we don't have the ability to segregate stations so I believe that the outcome would be second rate, not something I want to do.
Tomorrow a new chef starts so I will pick his brains and see if we can find something that will attract a wider audience.
I will hopefully be able to enjoy a few days r and r as a result next week.
I have had one day off since mid November and that was Christmas day.
If possible I will enjoy a couple of days with my beloved wife and those hounds.
We will see
And I have learnt not to count my chickens!!
Today I won't step into a bookmakers
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Thu, 31/01/2019 - 16:51

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

Hi Duncs,

Looking back over my diary and seeing your post there made me think about where I was mentally at the time. I totally get the notion that this fight is a constant battle. However, all those years ago when I was having difficulty with temptation I should have taken you and fellow CG's advice. The rockbottom you hit when your pockets are empty isn't the rockbottom people think it is..Because within a few weeks the gambler has recovered like it never happened and temptation is at the forefront of their mind like a neural pathway has been embedded in thier brains making it almost impossible not to place the bet...

Fast forward to decades of swings and roundabouts and then come the real rockbottom; the anxiety, fear, social withdrawal, insomnia, digestive issues...Etc, etc...It gets worse and that is the real 'rock-bottom' for after that stage is something even worse...

I'm 200 odd days gamble free and I'm a totally different person to who you wrote to on the begininngs of my latest diary...

 

Thanks again...

 

Dervkid, £asyli£e, Magnetism...

Posted on:
Thu, 31/01/2019 - 19:52

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Evening diary.
Thanks for popping by Derv kid the words you write ring true.
I haven't walked into a bookmakers for a while now, I ride past a few on a regular basis, they don't hold any of the allure they did for many years, I don't feel the need to escape through the doors any longer.
I understand that the efforts I have put into my life since my last episode of gambling are the reason for this mind change.
I don't need a constant route of escape, I am ever learning to face whatever lays ahead.
Glad that so far tonight the snow here is light and not laying because it's not going to help me through the few days work ahead.
Yesterday the last mile to the station was akin to an ice rink, I don't think the gritter trucks go out into the rural roads.
New menu tomorrow, a few long days ahead.
With the addition of another team member in the kitchen the bar has been raised.
I love that.
This week's r and r I have been able to get has recharged my body and mind.
Again I am ready to run headfirst.
All through a choice.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Thu, 31/01/2019 - 21:21

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Dear diary
I accept the things I cannot change lol, well I may have spoken too soon because it appears we may have a white out, well for portsmouth anyhow!!!
I watched the news earlier and Chicago has a proper white out!!!
Made me think of my dear friend over the pond, Joan I hope you are well. X
I will sleep on it and face whatever is ahead tomorrow.
I have that much wisdom.
Duncs

Posted on:
Sat, 02/02/2019 - 23:40

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Evening dear diary.
I have to say that I feel like I really do reap what I sow.
So over the last few days we have installed a new menu, by and large it fits the brief.
Tomorrow we will work hard, Sarah is off so is coming to lunch with our lily, I will be finishing early, we shall grab a lift home and stop off at the pub on route to watch the football and have a few jars.
This week I have addressed the balance, I have had a few evenings off, we have all caught up, eaten well and the r and r has reset my mind.
Working 80+ hrs a week took its toll I accept that with age I find it harder and I have to look after myself.
Our financial state is healthy, probably the best it's been in our 27 years together.
Why??
There are so many factors but the one that stands out is plain to see.
I am no longer chasing something that simply doesn't exist.
My compulsion to gamble promised over and over again riches beyond my dreams, a promise that simply doesn't exist.
Because I lived by a mantra.
I cannot win because I cannot stop.
No matter what the size of any win given would be I would not stop, to walk away a winner was on the rare occasions only a temporary restbite, I would have gone back at it with interest.
Today I have a choice to maintain.
I can't walk through the threshold of a bookmakers because I will walk back out in a financially terrible state but worse broken mentally.
My state of mind and mental wellbeing is paramount because no punt provided my current state of mind.
That is something I have earned.
I willingly gave up a monstrous amount of the money I worked hard for to addiction for over twenty years.
I today have found other ways to spend or save the money I earn.
It's unbelievably better.
It's the way I truthfully never saw as a possibility.
But for all the years I gambled addiction had me wear rose tinted gambling goggles which distorted my vision to give a wholly different Outlook.
One which would satisfy nothing but addictions desire.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Thu, 07/02/2019 - 10:07

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning dear diary
This morning I have a few hours to myself, I have things to do but have taken a breather to gift myself some time here.
I have read a few threads and been given some food for thought, funny because addiction would loved to have taken my time this morning, it entered the corner of my mind after I read the thread of a long standing author here, it was a surprise to see them back and writing of action and the loss of a large sum of money, addiction tried the arrogant approach to enter my mind, calls of look at that fella losing control, not like you, you could walk in armed with your knowledge and walk out a winner, ten feet tall!!
Inwardly I smiled, addiction I have walked in those shoes and never walked away a winner, even if I made financial gains I lost.
I lost my integrity, I had a true arrogance towards life, I didn't listen to rational thoughts, I belittled them.
So I shut the door.
I have no desire to walk into a bookmakers today and that's enough.
Today I will paint the bathroom ceiling, do all the housework, run the hounds, well if I can get them out of our bed after their earlier run!!! Whippets really do love sleeping lol.
Then this afternoon after I have received the two parcels due to be delivered, one with a new phone for Sarah and the other containing some new threads for me, both the results of hard graft and the fact I have not walked through the door of a bookmakers, Sarah and I will go to the gym for a few hours, a workout and some r and r in the wet room.
Then we will shop for supper, I really want a jacket potato today, much to the disgust of our two boys I think the jacket potato is one of the best things to eat, it's so satisfying, granted I plan to knock up a chilli to fill it with and cheese to bury it under, that way I can give them chilli in another guise.
Then tomorrow will see the start of three long days graft at the pub.
I will enjoy it all equally.
Just for today I have a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Thu, 07/02/2019 - 13:28

Tomso

Joined:
2012-02-26

DMac,

 

That was a super message you put on my diary today. I really needed that so thank you for taking the time to look out for me.

Your words hit home to me straight away. Everything you described of a previous episode is what I experienced Sunday/Monday. I knew the money was gone and then I punished myself for my stupidity by putting more in and acting like I didn't care while dwelling in my own little pity party.

Really good to hear from you and good to see that you are doing well. In life you usually reaps the rewards of hard effort. Your continued effort stands out for all to see.

Tomso.

Posted on:
Thu, 07/02/2019 - 14:45

gazza515

Joined:
2012-03-02

Afternoon Dunc,many thanks for your post. Keep doing what you are doing! Kind regards, Gazza.

 

Posted on:
Thu, 07/02/2019 - 23:56

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

duncanmac wrote:
Funny because I believe that 12 stepping is akin to carrying one of those drums like they have to draw the next round of the fa cup from, ours has twelve balls in and we can draw any one of them at any given time and work it.
The difference is once drawn the ball is put back for another day.
For me the steps get worked over and again.
There's no end point for me, just a lifetime of opportunity to better each step.
That's my spin.
Funnily I remember getting lambasted by a couple of authors for writing this upon my own thread but still I hold the same belief.
Rediscovery is different for all of us, the outcome is what matters.

I completely see where you are coming from my friend...It is a continual process.  I wonder what some of the old timers that lambasted you for such a lackadaisical attitude would have to say about some of the stuff that gets posted these days :-0  

It’s really lovely to see a few more posters recently actually saying that GA works because as you know, I am testament to that!  No matter how slowly my rediscovery train is travelling, I’m back on it & not bobbing about like an open Jack-in-the-box on the station platform like I have been doing for a few weeks!

I never did get the humble jacket potato but the NM likes them & I eat beans now so maybe I should revisit that area of culinary aversion.

Great to see you having a bit of you time...Wear those new threads with pride my friend, you have earned them x

Posted on:
Mon, 11/02/2019 - 00:46

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Evening or good morning dear diary.
So another few days hard graft put to bed, today was our quietest Sunday for a while, I believe a result of the time of year and the fact that the rugby was on, yes the pub has a TV but not one that a vast crowd would sit watching and certainly no surround sound, me I like that, we are without doubt a mechanical pub in a digital world lol, alot like me, old school.
So why am I up so late? Well in an hour our son leaves for five weeks graft in Ireland, fare play to him he has found his feet in his job and will happily go wherever the job takes him, this time around galway.
Bless he may be twenty years old, six inches taller than me, carrying more tattoos than me but he is and always will be our baby boy.
So Sarah has ensured he has all the essential stuff and more, there's two cases by the front door and we will all miss him dearly.
So I will stay up to see him off before getting some shut eye.
This forum has been such a great thing in my life, I take so much from it, these days more than I feel I give back to it, but I am convinced that it will be a constant in my life for a great deal of time to come.
I learn something every day from reading threads.
I don't post a great deal on other threads through choice but I do read a great deal of them.
Some are raw and deeply emotional, I believe that my early pages are the same and others are beautiful to read, how life changes with continued abstinence.
I read earlier that it would be brilliant to have some form of pill that could cure folk from this addiction, I get that desire but believe the pages here offer a medicine of sorts.
Yes it doesn't always taste great and is difficult to swallow but it is a huge factor in helping the inner mind find a continuous desire to remain living without seeking action.
I see the benefits of doing so in many forms every day, for me financially is the least contending factor.
It's the state of mental wellbeing that is simply priceless.
Days rest for me tomorrow, Sarah has one too.
So I am truly blessed to be able to share time with her.
No plans, just the best company in the world.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Mon, 11/02/2019 - 14:16

A 9

Joined:
2018-08-31

Afternoon Dunc's :)). 

Lovely as always to hear from you and to see how well through your choices life now treat's you .

I get totally what your saying regarding your kid's alway's being you baby's how ever old they are , my son's coming up for 24 this year and I still worry every time he steps outside that door . He's off to Paris this week with his girlfiend then at the end of April it's the phillipines and Bali for a couple of months travelling , thank goodness for Facetime as I don't know how I'd keep calm as in the olden day's of Postcard's which generally reached home after you came back ( never quite got that ? ) . 

It is a small world indeed or a small city as in our case and I do know the gentleman in question, a lovely guy with whom I have some good conversations when the time allows , I believe he's switched venues for his Italian lessons since christmas but he still pop's in together with his lovely wife when time allows . 

Thank you for the kind comments and now you know for sure it would be great if you have the opportunity anytime to pop in :)).

Until then I hope you continue to enjoy all the gift's life lay's at your feet :)) . 

Regard's 

Alan  

 

Posted on:
Mon, 11/02/2019 - 22:14

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Evening dear diary.
Alan it is great to hear from you and yes I will pop by next time I am in the heart of the city I love.
Today has been a good day, I have had a very productive day, all be it a day off of sorts.
I have arranged more work with a new contractor and will be pursuing that avenue for the foreseeable future.
I have been loyal to the folk at the pub but I have sacrificed my own needs to forfill theirs and I have to change that.
The new chef is more than capable and one thing I have learnt about cooking professionally for me is it's an all or nothing job, not something that I can play as a bit part.
So after many months of stalling it will soon be pastures new.
I am grateful to be able to have choices today, I spent so many years of my life chasing losses that I had to stay in various jobs regardless of what it was doing to my mental health.
Equally today I got to spend time with my beloved wife and bills got paid, we shopped for groceries and went to the gym.
We had a lovely supper and took the hounds out for a long walk.
To many folk I understand that this is a normal day.
From the place I have come today has been exceptional.
For that I am humbled.
I made a choice.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Mon, 11/02/2019 - 22:18

Change

Joined:
2015-01-30

Sounds like a great day Duncs! Simple things in life are the best.

Posted on:
Mon, 11/02/2019 - 22:24

CJ.

Joined:
2019-02-08

I agree. Sounds like a fab day 

Posted on:
Tue, 12/02/2019 - 08:00

Tomso

Joined:
2012-02-26

DMac,

Thank you for that very powerful message you posted on my diary. As honest as the day is long always.

I enjoyed reading your post and can honestly say I instantly felt better afterwards. My previous message was me simply trying to communicate that I have always been able to bounce back and find some inner strenght and motivation to do better but for some reason I am finding this difficult.this time around. I am not considering gambling or considering that it is O.K. for me to gamble. I know that the act of gambling can only make things worse and it is not on the menu today.

Probably, you are correct to say that I am suffering from a gambling hangover. It was only a week ago that I came back on here to report that I had been gambling and experienced a terrible two day period.

Preparations for today started last night. I got to bed at a decent time and had a decent sleep. I got downstairs a little earlier than normal this morning and had a healthy breakfast before walking out the door. This is something that I never do. Tonight I will try to fit in a short run just to let the fresh air flow through my body.

Thanks for your support and thanks for taking the time to look out for me and to pick me up with your words.

Tomso.

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