GamCare Logo
4494 posts / 0 new
Last post
Posted on:
Sun, 17/06/2018 - 16:51

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Afternoon Duncan,

Honest, powerful and a heart wrenching read over the last few days

Sir, I salute you

Posted on:
Sun, 17/06/2018 - 17:17

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

I echo Bal above.
As always, your honesty draws me in. I caught up on a few of your recent posts and ended up having to rush to get ready for work! All good wishes x

Posted on:
Mon, 18/06/2018 - 10:03

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning diary
Balance and little miss lost I am truly humbled by your kind words, I believe that through writing I am able to let go, to learn and move on.
So I moved back home and did what I have done my entire life, threw myself at work and grafted non stop until the debt I had created was paid up.
A clean slate?? To punish myself? Maybe both.
I used to think the answer to depression and how to deal with it best was to grow a thicker skin, I believe that I was wrong, I have dealt with my depression by peeling all the skins back, by digging deep.
I have thought long and hard about depression and addiction, how they interlock with each other, from that I believe that feeding addiction has been a coping mechanism at times but I equally believe that I am a gambling addict because that's the way I am wired, in fact addiction comes easily for me, it always has.
Today I believe that I am learning to be comfortable within my own skin, to be honest, to be able to have an opinion, to understand the power in the responsibility of that power.
I am without doubt less of a short fuse, I am finding measure.
Life with addiction today feels like this.
I am one side of a gate, addiction is on the other, from time to time addiction opens the gate and shows me an amazing view, goads me, pleads with my inner mind to take the step through the gate.
The thing is I know that yes the view is a beautiful picture but it has no footings, I would be walking off a cliff top.
For the rest of my life that gate will be present, I have a choice, sometimes that choice will be tough and testing, but the reward for continued abstinence is far greater than any win at any odds.
I am alive and want to live.
I left a part of my life at that level crossing, that was my fear.
Fourteen days hard graft at the pub from today, then the new head chef starts so I will be able to go back to a few days cooking and a few days labouring because that works for me.
Today I have a choice.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Mon, 18/06/2018 - 12:12

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

Duncs,

The past few posts from your diary are everything that this site and recovery should be about, thank you for sharing so honestly and with courage.

Rob

Posted on:
Mon, 18/06/2018 - 15:44

cardhue

Joined:
2013-01-18

Yeah i like that. Don’t fight what’s in front of you. Don’t try to make it vanish cos you can’t.

But it’s always your choice to act or not (to walk to through the gate).

Don’t strive for getting rid, transform your relationship with it.

all the best Duncan  

Posted on:
Mon, 18/06/2018 - 18:29

Maria675

Joined:
2017-12-23

Please someone help me I’ve never felt so low and totally discussed in myself 

Posted on:
Mon, 18/06/2018 - 18:36

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hello Maria

You sound very down on yourself. Why not give us a call on the HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 and talk it through? If you don't feel up to talking on the phone you can also chat to us on the NetLine. If you'd rather get support from others going through similar experiences, why not put an introduction post in the New Member Introductions section of the forum? 

You can see from Duncanmac's story that even when things feel so low, recovery is possible. Things can get better, and you are not alone. 

Keep posting,

Deirdre 
Forum Admin

Posted on:
Thu, 21/06/2018 - 08:46

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning diary
Cardhue thanks for popping by, you have been here a while and talk a great deal of sense.
Maria675, help begins with you helping yourself.
Forum admin, not often have you posted upon my thread in the six years and I felt like the kid standing outside the headmasters office again, but alas you were offering support where it was needed, keep up the good work!!
So dear diary I have 11days of shifts to go, I implemented a new menu yesterday, well more of a tweek of the old menu in truth so I will be able to keep myself busy and entertained until the new head chef starts on the 2nd,then I am going to treat myself to a few days off, four hours of tattooing on the 3rd to continue with the rest of my sleeve and some r and r.
Sarah has her last day of work within education today, she is quite emotional this morning and yesterday some of the senior management team asked her to reconsider her choice to leave.
For me it's a little to late and I believe that the job she starts in a weeks time within retail will allow her such a more forfilling life with a greater amount of choice for her to do things of her own choice.
And selfishly we will get so much more time for holidays outside the school calendar.
I am so very proud of what she has achieved in the twelve years she has worked, gone from cleaning to being a very competent lsa and accepted with grace all the changes that academy schooling has brought.
So tomorrow will see the page turned, a new chapter to begin.
I feel very calm this week, yesterday saw another successful stock take at the pub, since my involvement last August the stock results have been better than expected every month and on average higher than they ever were before I started so the owners are happy and again asked for me to remain a part of the kitchen team, I agreed to what suits me, three days cooking is enough, I have labouring booked for three weeks time and really enjoy what it gifts my life, so I will do what is actually best for me, in return the folk around me will benefit to boot.
I accept responsibility for my own life, I am happy to take into account what is actually the best actions for me.
I am wholly better as a person as a result.
A great deal of water passed under the bridge before I learned that I have a right to look after myself first.
I know how powerful it is to have been given the opportunity.
Addiction wants to take the reigns.
For now it can carry the bucket and pick up the +s#i*t!!!
I will enjoy returning the favour, I did the same for more than twenty years.
Today I have a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Thu, 21/06/2018 - 10:55

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

A lovely post there Duncan. Positivity all the way. I would not excpect anthing else from you really. Congratulations and good luck to Sarah and yourself on the vocational fronts. I wish you both and your family all the success and happiness that your hard work merits. Markman

Posted on:
Sat, 23/06/2018 - 00:12

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Dear diary.
Markman fella your words humble me greatly, we have been on this journey side by side for a long time now and I believe that we have learnt a great deal.
So today marks one year of abstinence, a year ago today I was totally lost, broken beyond words, if circumstances had been different I would today be just a statistic, a loss to life through depression, depression which was fueled through hiding from it, addiction loves that, it loves to isolate you, it wants you to dance to its tune and nothing else.
I couldn't see a way to live with any prospects, I just wrote myself off.
Today I am humbled by the opportunity to live a very different life, yes I take medication to create a balance but that medication doesn't impede my thinking, it equally doesn't numb the pain life dishes up at times, it simply allows me to process my thoughts without everything creating a sense of despair.
Today I understand myself better, I can live with the dark days, I can ride the internal storms because I know that the outcome will be days filled with inner calm.
I haven't considered suicide as a life choice for a while now, it used to dominate my inner mind.
Today I feel safe, that's enough.
Sarah made a choice 352 days ago, one which had a profound effect upon my life, it hasn't been plain sailing, we have had to navigate sum stormy situations but the result is a better quality of life.
Communication has been a huge contending factor.
However low you feel, somebody will accept your situation and unconditionally understand.
Never give up on giving up.
Today I understand those words.
Today I dedicate my life to living a better life.
It's there for everyone.
Please take it.
Most of all enjoy it.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Sat, 23/06/2018 - 02:25

bluescreen

Joined:
2018-03-13

Congratulations, duncanmac.

I'm usually not counting the days. It doesn't matter really, it's always just that one poor decision that has to be avoided at all costs.

But still, well done. Your story really humbles me and I am honestly happy for you reaching this milestone. I really mean it. I am pleased that you showed addiction the door. Good riddance! Keep it up, today, tomorrow and next year. No matter what life throws at us - it can be handled. We have to appreciate what we have and take life as it comes.

Thank you for being you and wishing you and yours all the best. :)

Posted on:
Sat, 23/06/2018 - 11:09

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Congratulation on a wonderful achievement. 

A full year without a bet during which time you have developed as a person, learnt about your self and embraced opportunities. You have shown love, consideration and compassion to your family, friends and work colleagues whilst offering support and encouragement to those around you.

I raise my glass to Duncan, a stalwart of the diaries and a true gamcare warrior. 

Posted on:
Thu, 28/06/2018 - 05:19

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning diary
Thanks blue screen, Stephen for your kind words they are truly humbling.
So I processed a great deal of thoughts over the past few weeks, reliving the days that led me to believe that my life had become something with so little value that I would have committed suicide.
Through doing so I have left the part of my inner self at that railway track, that part of my life will be a memory, a fact that defined the way I will live the rest of my life.
It's been a hard week at the pub, the hot weather has brought folk out and couple that with the fact that the pub in the next village is undergoing a refurbishment we have been really busy, I am producing some of the most exciting food I have cooked in a long time, I am really enjoying the moment. The reason??
I guess I am laying down the gauntlet for the incoming head chef, I want to be challenged by their presence, I want to raise the bar so we can take the food to the next level. I know that I cannot do this alone, the workload would be too much. I am looking forward to a few days r and r next week because I haven't had a days rest since our holiday.
Sarah and I did manage to treat ourselves to a meal on Monday night we went to a restaurant we have wanted to visit for a long time and we weren't disappointed, it was a truly memorable evening.
Addiction truly hates my mindset, it detests the fact that my life glass is half full.
It wants it half empty, it wants action, I accept that it always will.
Just for today it can jog on.
Tomorrow will be better for it.
Today I have a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Tue, 03/07/2018 - 05:55

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning dear diary
My dear friend its been an eventful few days, on Saturday night I slipped whilst showering and fell out of the bath hitting just about everything on my way down lastly my head on the toilet bowl, I am black and blue from my head to the back of my legs. Sunday was a very hard day at the pub, my everything hurt lol. So yesterday I handed over to the new head chef and another three weeks of long hours came to an end, I have a couple of days to rest my body now and enjoy some of the football, I haven't seen a great deal of it but have enjoyed the fact that the old guard are being tested, it's refreshing, change.
Sarah started her new job yesterday, she is like a new person, smiling, energetic and most of all she doesn't seem stressed out about everything.
For me this is amazing and I will enjoy every minute of it.
Today I have a few hours in the chair, hopefully the bottom of my sleeve will be finally finished, this is my reward for the past weeks efforts and I will use it as therapy.
Sarah is working later and we will enjoy supper when she is home, I will potter about the garden and keep myself ticking over, we got a new bbq, a bargain and I might christen it later, something about lighting some charcoal that envokes a huge amount of inner joy.
Addiction lurks in the shadows, it wants to reak havoc, just for today it can go take a hike.
Today I choose to live by a decision
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Posted on:
Tue, 03/07/2018 - 12:37

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Duncan, I hope that battered body is recovering well. My nemesis is the stairs. I fell down the whole flight on my a*se this morning. Thankfully I broke off my tail bone the same way a couple of years ago so I only have carpet burns to show - kind of brings me back to my honeymoon - the capet burns, you understand, not the tail bone;-) Enjoy your time of rest and
enjoy the Barbie. Best wishes to you Sarah and the Family. Markman

Posted on:
Wed, 04/07/2018 - 17:53

paulds

Joined:
2012-01-13

Sorry to hear about your fall, seems like it was the universe telling you to take a break, hope you feel better soon. Enjoy the football and well done for staying gamble free, keep smiling.

Paulds

 

Posted on:
Fri, 13/07/2018 - 00:59

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Dear diary.
Paulds, Markman fellas we have been around this forum for a good few years, we have seen I believe a huge amount of growth in each other in that time, be proud of that and I am truly humbled by your kind words.
So dear diary I have been working hard, last week I took a day off to rest my bones and I really did need it, my fall left me needing a time out.
I have enjoyed the world cup, some decent football and truthfully the outcome of any game was insignificant, I have just enjoyed the games for the entertainment they are.
England surpassed my expectations and they will grow in future tournaments which brings hope and furthers my inner belief that anything in life can be achieved if you really want it.
Addiction has been quiet, it just sulks in its hovel and I plan on keeping it there.
Gambling offers my mind no comfort, no outcome than misery on offer, I remind myself of that fact, it's sobering indeed.
ō at the moment and is learning a great deal as a result.
Family is so important, I will be forever inspired by their efforts.
Today I have a choice,
Abstain And maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Posted on:
Sun, 15/07/2018 - 18:52

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Evening diary.
So I am sat in my garden with my wife, hounds and a smoking bbq.
I have worked hard for the past few days and today I got away early, so an inpromptu bbq and a couple of pimms, a reward for making the right choice in life.
That is to put two fingers up and the other three down to addiction.
A couple of days of r and r ahead, and due to Sarah having her new job we have days off together.
Her choice to change jobs is having a profound effect on the mac household.
This is the life awaiting anyone who commits to abstinence.
Not right away, there will undoubtedly be a mountain of s#h#t to wade through first but a very different life will be on the other side of that.
Today I made a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Sun, 15/07/2018 - 22:36

Change

Joined:
2015-01-30

Nice post. Thanks for sharing.

Posted on:
Thu, 19/07/2018 - 14:18

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

I could not have a catch up of the forum without stopping by Duncan. Hope all is well with you and the family.

Posted on:
Mon, 23/07/2018 - 08:38

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning dear diary
Markman thanks for popping by and change your words truly humble me.
So dear friend life rolls on, Sarah is loving her new job, it's given her a totally new outlook on how she is going to live, no longer does she get emails at stupid o'clock that make her question her value, no longer is she marking books, not even a job she should be doing in the evening or fretting about some new policy or internal politics, she goes to work, works hard and then leaves her job at work.
I have taken a leaf out of her book, I understand that it doesn't mean you don't care for your job if you don't work ungodly hours and actually you can only achieve what everybody else you work with wants likewise.
I am in a purple patch, the food I cook receives good feedback beyond my expectations and it drives me to stay in the zone.
We have enjoyed time off together and it's inspiring.
I had a wobbly day last Tuesday, internally I struggled to see sense, to see good in anything.
Previously I would have run to addiction, I would have drunk too much, I would have taken my inner feelings and turned it into anger against the folk I love.
I rode the emotions, treated myself to a chill out at the gym, ate well and slept like a baby.
Wednesday I regained control of my own mind.
Today I am off to pick up some hardware for the pub kitchen, equipment that will make work easier, allowing time to polish the dishes.
Food constantly evolves, I know that focusing on that breeds inner calm and a huge sense of wellbeing.
Addiction wants an in, I won't feed it, I understand the outcome, I respect it and won't run either to or from it. I will stand up and be counted.
I was told over six years ago that recovery is a gift, I couldn't see the true meaning of that until recently.
I can affect the outcome of my life through constant change, through planning and equally accepting that plans change and I accept that I can only effect the change that I am truly able of making.
Recovery is like a recipe
Yes without all the ingredients you can make a dish, but it may not truly make good eating.
I don't believe that I have all my ingredients to date, but I evolve my dish every day, equally I disgard ingredients that don't befit the dish, that's vital.
Eventually I may end up with very few ingredients but I want them to be the best ones for me.
That's how I see it.
My dear friend sorry to ramble.
Better to ramble than gamble my old friend.....
My name is Duncs I am a recovering compulsive gambler.
Abstain and maintain.
Stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Mon, 23/07/2018 - 13:08

paulds

Joined:
2012-01-13

Ramble away all you like! Well done for your continued abstinence, day after day you are making the right decision.

Paulds 

Posted on:
Sun, 29/07/2018 - 07:00

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning dear diary.
So it's finally raining! I know the rest of the world probably disagree but I am delighted to have a day of rain ahead, the kitchen has been unbearably hot this past week and the whole team have struggled through, I am off to work shortly for a twelve hour straight shift at the stove and I know that my efforts will be enjoyed, I also know that I will have a full audience for the roast dinners we serve today, a day off the ploughman run we have been going through lol.
I have four straight days ahead of long shifts and then I have a couple of of days labouring then an early Saturday and then Sarah and I are off to visit my mums for a couple of days r and r.
Good to have plans, rewarding the efforts we give life.
I rode past the most local bookies to my home yesterday morning on route to work and was reminded of something important
I am entitled to have 'fun' and to do so I have a choice, an educated choice, one which I have safety measures in place to help me make, one that didn't come easily, one I took 25 years to feel comfortable with.
It in my mind is brought about by effecting change, by finding a new will.
Gambling was my master, my religion, I was a devout follower.
Today I have a new faith, one of my own making.
And thanks so much for reminding me brokelads I will have 'FUN'
I accept that gambling will exist long after I gave it my all and existed long before I started.
I don't have any excuses to feed it, I found the underlying reason why I fed it with such commitment.
I took away the best part of those reasons and I will have fun taking away the rest.
It is possible to win
Don't wage a punt.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Off to roast some incredible meat and have a great deal of fun in doing so.

Posted on:
Sun, 29/07/2018 - 12:06

NT

Joined:
2017-12-16

Hi Duncs,

An interesting and thought-provoking post especially with regards to 'FUN'.

You're right, we have to use the word 'FUN' in the right way and completely ignore other peoples' ideas of 'FUN'. Their ideas of 'FUN' are, as we all know, ridicolously untrue.

Enjoy the cooler weather... while it lasts!

NT

Posted on:
Wed, 01/08/2018 - 20:39

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Evening diary
Nt thanks for popping by, I don't get around the diaries like I used to, a number of reasons mainly that I simply enjoy the solice of writing my thoughts upon my own thread, it's been a safe place for me to do so for many years now.
So I had a day off cooking today, labouring instead, I have probably shifted two ton of metal work today, heavy going and makes me fully respect why I do what I do for a living. I do enjoy the freedom of a good physical work out without any mental distraction, it's days like today I free my mind, let the thoughts rampage through my mind and release the anger through hard graft.
I know that this is far better than letting frustration build, even better than walking over the freshold of a bookmakers.
Both actions have the same devastating outcome, disruption and chaos.
Recovery or rediscovery is so much more than just one action, arresting that next punt is just a place to start. I have to commit to creating changes, accepting that my behaviour today founds tomorrow's ability to be greatly improved on.
I accept that I am an island I can truthfully only look after myself first and foremost, a lifetime trying to mend other folk before addressing my own concerns is just another form of escape.
Today I count, today I will be comfortable in my choices because they have come with thought and a huge desire to learn, suck it all up and use the positive things to build a better life upon.
I am as a result content, I am not financially rich but I am a wealthy man in so many ways.
Sarah and lily have just done a boot camp class in the new outside gym area, Sarah looks so amazing, recent life has stripped the rings from under her eyes and a permanent smile is worn.
I am so grateful that I got the opportunity to tell her how much I love her this morning, why? Because I do.
Me I have enjoyed an hour in the wet room, steam, sauna and a spa.
Now I sit enjoying a pint alone watching the sun set as I one finger type.
To the rest of the folk here I am an outsider, I don't conform to what everyone else looks like physically and aesthetically but I'm happy, I to wear a huge smile.
Cheers old friend, you and I have a lot of history, you have let me spill my heart out here.
It's wonderful therapy.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Tue, 14/08/2018 - 09:55

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning dear diary.
I have neglected you again my dear old friend, funny because when I don't write my thoughts I know addiction prepares itself, it comes from within the shadows of my mind and wants to be the front runner again.
I accept it's presence and I will counter its ridiculous notions that I am ready to walk into its open arms again.
I have been working hard again, probably too many hours on the bounce, the result is down time leaves me totally unable to do anything except lay down and sleep, it's not something I enjoy the feeling of so this week I will address it, no 12 hours graft followed by the same, last week I did that for five days on the trot, this week again I will seek balance. Today I have a meeting with the owners of the pub, I am starting to give them a hand over for them to carry on making the correct margins and when I leave them next month I will be hopeful that I have left them in a good place.
I have a busy month planned for September, no cooking just labouring, a huge contract that will see plenty of work but equally a better life balance, a choice I make happily and with honesty I have run my course at the pub, I have given a great deal of my time to it, now it's time to take charge of my own life again.
Self control, the ability to do what is right for me, breeds a healthy mind, that is progress, something that I have never given myself the opportunity of.
I know that life is a for me a jigsaw, I am putting pieces together as I go, I still have pieces to find and there are a few pieces from an old puzzle that I need to discard, but I am getting there.
The honesty I am able to share with Sarah is a huge progress, and I respect her honesty in return, yes we don't always agree but we have an ability to work with each other.
She is going to learn to drive!!! We have sent her licence away and have been shopping around for an instructor, in time we know that the opportunity for greater freedom will be the result.
Re(dis)covery is a process for our entire family, it is a growth I welcome and desire in equal terms.
As I type I feel addiction retreat
That is therapy nobody can give
Tonight is a rare opportunity to watch my beloved pompey with both my sons, I look forward to it.
Tomorrow I am labouring then a day off with Sarah before three days at the pub.
So I counter your move Mr addiction.
Mine is one of action against the hollow promise you offer.
Two fingers up and the other three down I believe.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Tue, 14/08/2018 - 12:20

Oldhamktf

Joined:
2015-09-26

Hi Duncs,

Nice to see you ticking along nicley, shame to see you leaving the kitchens as i know how much pleasure it gives you. the first paragraph remind my of the addiction poem im sure you have seen but thought it was only right to share it with you again.

I am an addiction
i start in small subtle ways promising many things
I promise you enjoyment and pleasure beyond your wildest dreams
I deliver guilt and despair more horrible than your worst nightmare
I promise you power and courage
I give you feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness
I will force you to live in fear always
I promise you relief and escape from all your daily problems
I create for you greater problems than you ever imagined
I promise you many friends
I only allow isolation
I promise happiness
I create much sorrow
I will steal from you your dignity, your familes, your friends, your children, your homes, your dreams, your spirit and your life
For love freedom and happiness are impossible to find in my presence
So never underestimate me
I am devious and manipulating
I have no preference as to who i pick as my victim, rich or poor, young or old, black, white, yellow or red
I have killed men, women and children- I have no conscience
So if you have met me, always beware if you think you can beat me, that i will be gone from your life and all will go well again
Never forget i will always be there, waiting in the dark shadows just around the corner
I am very patient and i will laugh in your face if i can lure you into my evil world of hell on earth once again
I AM ADDICTION

Posted on:
Thu, 16/08/2018 - 09:19

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning diary
Oldham thanks for the share fella it means a great deal.
So football on Tuesday didn't pan out the way I intended and I left at half time, why?? Because I found myself surrounded by folk I think would have been better placed in a cinema. Cries of sit down, stop swearing, and conversation surrounding this week's bargains at the supermarket did for me so I left rather than get wound up and went to the pub for a pint and a game of shove halfpenny with our Joe. So I made a good decision and still had a good night. Yesterday I laboured a great day and I had a really good chat with the big boss which was wholly enlightening.
Today I was going to the pub but as the weather is pretty grim so I will stay home and do some paperwork instead.
Sarah is working an early shift before a day off so I'll make us a cottage pie so later we can sit as a family and enjoy our company.
I watched a documentary on Netflix this morning about the best steak in the world and it's questioned my belief in what I thought I knew, I love to be mentally challenged and this has definitely given great food for thought!!
Addiction has returned to the duldroms of my mind, I will be vigilant, I know it will try to return.
I will be prepared.
I live by a mantra
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Fri, 17/08/2018 - 07:57

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Good morning dear diary
Up with the larks this morning, got to the gym for a good workout and half an hour in the wet room.
I feel I can face the world now, three long days graft ahead at the stove, three days of nothing but cooking whilst wearing a huge smile.
I am determined to look after number one, the rest of the world benefits if I do.
The sun shines inside and out.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Posted on:
Sat, 18/08/2018 - 09:53

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning dear diary.
Reading around the forum this morning I saw a lot of my past in other folks words.
The cycle of destruction, the remorse which I know was all too often short lived, the fear of being found out and the life of deceit and lies uncovered.
Words which profess to hide addiction from others for their own good.
I said and acted out all these things.
Why??
Because I didn't want to stop, I wanted the world to leave me alone and do nothing for me but fund my next punt.
I was committed to addiction with all my actions, I functioned for no reason other than to feed its call.
What changed??
I will be honest, the pursuit of suicide and my failure to succeed in it. I was left broken and wholly lost.
I was left at a fork in the road
One way to play out the game until I could end my life.
The other a path I had never walked
One in which I cannot lie, one in which I look after myself, one in which I give to hating and release the inner anger, one in which I believe I left the person I was dead on that train track.
It's no cake walk, bed of roses but I today truly want to live it.
I have grieved for that tortured soul, I will never forget what it lived with.
It will always be present as will addiction.
Without doubt
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Thu, 23/08/2018 - 14:45

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Afternoon dear diary.
At the stove today and the rest of the week for me, yesterday after a previous day's labouring I had a day off, we had a funeral to attend, our best friend lost her mum recently and she was laid to rest yesterday. It was a truly lovely send off, like no other I have seen, she planned the whole thing herself, music. Horse drawn herse and even the wake, it was a true celebration of her life and with it she left a strong message.
Live your life to the full.
Love doesn't die we pass it on, we are just it's guardian.
I will take those words on board.
I felt deeply uncomfortable, I left the throng after the service and spent ten minutes walking around the memorial garden to gather my overwhelmed emotions, I felt a great sense of shame that I had set off to take my own life and this amazing lady had hers taken through illness, I felt I had cheated her for a moment.
I accept that I cannot alter the course of another person's life but I can be inspired by one.
Sarah shed a few tears the emotional outcome of her family and their choices. Again something that I cannot control.
I know I have done some terrible things I am not proud of but I have made amends where I can and am a wholly different person as a result.
Today I spoke with my friend on route to work to see she was OK, she is understandably upset, broken but will I know grow strength.
I am inspired.
I am mindful.
I will continue to make the right life choices.
The next three months will see me graft a great deal, I have a life changing opportunity I will be giving my all to.
I know it has the opportunity to have a profound outcome upon the folk I hold dear.
I have the ability and resolve.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Sat, 25/08/2018 - 21:34

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Evening dear diary.
Well today was a strange day, one that didn't see many customers, we are not getting a fill of bank holiday revellers. To be honest there's so much going on in my fare city this weekend I am not surprised, 70 thousand people at the victorious festival each day and a beer festival in the next village just two of many.
So I have a mass of pent up energy and a kitchen full of stock.
Tomorrow the forecast is pretty horrendous so I know its not great for those who are not working but it may be good for business, so I will be back at the stove at dawn and will be cooking up a stack of Sunday roasts in anticipation.
Sarah is also working all weekend in her own job, so hopefully tomorrow night I will be able to sit with my family after a hard day's graft and enjoy their good company by way of a reward.
I really didn't want to bow out of my time at the pub on a damp squib.
But I accept that I can't change what isn't mine to.
Still I will give my all.
I have the ability because I made a choice today.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 21:37

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Evening dearest diary.
I have neglected you again my old friend. In truth I have been a busy boy.
Last week I did eight shifts in the kitchen on the bounce then this Thursday rather than taking a day off I took a day's labouring followed by another half days labouring yesterday, then back at the stove today for a twelve hour straight, tomorrow I will return to work at six am and cook for another ten straight hours, then Monday, Tuesday at the stove and Wednesday labouring then I will be taking two days off, a night in a hotel for myself and Sarah and a days r and r in Bournemouth.
Life has just been so busy. I sleep well, I have grabbed time in the morning to visit the gym and I have more money in the bank than I ever have.
I am addicted to graft, I love it, when I am not working I busy myself at home.
I am in love with a beautiful woman, truly in love.
She takes my breath away.
We smile, laugh and are truly getting to know each other.
It's recovery.
Or rediscovery.
All through a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Tue, 04/09/2018 - 08:19

paulds

Joined:
2012-01-13

Hi Duncan,

Thanks for popping by in my diary, much appreciated.

All our recoveries are bespoke and seemingly over time we post less as the recovery progresses. In the beginning I needed to post every few hours but now it is every week or so.

You work incredibly hard but well done for scheduling some time away, us addicts do tend to be all consumed by things although I suppose there are worse things to be addicted to than hard graft!

Keep on keeping on, abstain and maintain as you always say , there is no other way.

Paulds 

Posted on:
Mon, 10/09/2018 - 09:00

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning diary.
Paulds thanks for the kind words they mean a great deal.
So a new week, the last one filled with a good few long days and yesterday I woke up facing a wall ahead, I got my head down and worked through it, another busy day at the stove and one I am glad I had the opportunity of.
The labouring job has been put back a few weeks so today I am at the pub then three days back labouring for another job and then three days at the stove, next week I will be enjoying some time off with Sarah which will drive me through this week.
She is learning to drive at long last, something she has always wanted to do but I too often stole the opportunity for her to do so by feeding my addiction.
I will not be repeating this cycle.
I am again one step ahead of addiction, I will remain there.
I understand myself today, I know how to better my circumstances, I know that I am one punt from destruction and can live content with that.
So today I have gifted myself and as a result my family to boot.
It will start with a steam and sauna before work.
The hounds had a run early this morning with their friends and are all curled up together, the house work is done so I feel I am ready to go.
The small things do add up to the big picture.
And it's looking better with every day's abstinence.
A choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Posted on:
Mon, 10/09/2018 - 10:13

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

One punt from destruction is so true, it's like a dam you build and you can work on it for days, weeks, months or even years, but just one pound, or one cheeky bet and all that hard work can be ruined in an instant. Forward never ever back.

Posted on:
Mon, 10/09/2018 - 21:59

Rainman

Joined:
2017-03-18

Hi Dunc, yes I’m back mate, a lot of water under the bridge , . I’m sticking with it Dunc, and you said that i got you through some rocky waters with the grit that i bought to the forum, well let me tell you mate that you helped me as much as you say i helped you, I’m pleased about that, i made a mistake on getting my account deleted, but it’s done, so i start again, cheers Duncan . Regards Bob. Guard Up, Rainman 

Posted on:
Tue, 11/09/2018 - 16:38

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Afternoon diary.
Just in from a physically challenging day, eight hours hard graft and I am spent, it really does ground me, I have a huge respect for life, even more respect for folk who Labour for a living.
So an evening off, Sarah has worked an early to so we will head off to the gym shortly, Sarah to use the gym, me to use the wet room, then home for Sarah's meatballs and an early night!!
Another two days labouring and then back to the stove.
I will continue to take all that's on offer, I simply can't refuse it, why??
Because truthfully it's my choice, I am committed to the drive, it forfills my need to constantly expend energy.
It has an outcome to boot.
Financial gain
When I am grafting I am not spending and when I take time off I can spend freely without addiction whispering that same old drivel, its another weapon in my constantly growing armoury in my fight to remain in control of my life.
And working two jobs means that I never tire or grow bored.
Equally money is in no way the thing I measure personal success upon.
For me it is about how I feel, about how the folk I hold dear feel.
Money can't buy it, that I know.
Maybe I have joined the rat race.
Whatever it is I am all in.
Because the outcome is profound.
Just for today I choose to remain gamble free.
Two fingers up and the other three down.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Thu, 13/09/2018 - 14:29

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Afternoon diary.
Well I am sitting basking in the September sun with an ice cold shandy, yesterday we decided to go gung ho and did two days graft in one day gifting me a day off today.
Sarah is off to boot, she has been to a boot camp class in the gym and I just spent an hour in the steam and sauna, my body relaxed and less hurting than it was first thing this morning.
Sarah had another driving lesson and shopped for groceries and did the housework.
A delicious roast chicken, spinach, asparagus and Broad bean pie sits in the bottom of the fridge, I made it this morning and we will dine like Kings later.
So the rest of the day will be enjoyed doing nothing much.
My glass sits half full.
Not even the fact that someone stole Sarah's favourite suede jacket yesterday will deter it from being so.
If someone needed it that badly so be it.
I have given her the money for a new one, a wonderful position to be in.
The spoils of nothing but hard graft.
Addiction looks up from the bottom of it's half empty glass, good luck to it.
Just for today it's not for me.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Sun, 16/09/2018 - 19:52

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

You talk so much sense. I love your philosophical view to all this. I find it very sobering and grounds me when I feel despair.

Recovery or rediscovery. Love it. Thanks so much.

Posted on:
Sun, 23/09/2018 - 05:53

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning dear diary.
Signalman your words truly humble me.
So my old friend I am off to work in twenty minutes to face a 13 and a half hour day off the back of a 16 and a half hour day yesterday and this week I have worked a full week before yesterday, I feel privileged and proud to do so.
Yesterday cycling the 13 miles to work at 3am was forty five minutes of pure joy, I saw 13 urban foxes, the funniest a young one sat in the middle of the road eating a pile of sick someone had left just outside a night spot and as I past it didn't even move, just looked up as if to say what are you doing out at this hour lol.
I roasted a huge whole wild boar yesterday for the local shoot hence the long day, it took 12 hours to cook and surpassed their expectations and on top of that we had a full dining room last night.
Todays rain will hopefully be a blessing, I have some fantastic meat to roast and will do my best to make it the best it can be.
Pay day today and financially I will see my effort rewarded.
Addiction lurks, it will I know try to capitalise on my tired state later but I am prepared for it to come knocking.
What has it to offer??
Nothing but despair and destruction.
It can return to the depths of my mind where it belongs.
It inspires me to live
It drives me to want to achieve
It offers a sobering choice
One that doesn't always come easily but the outcome is profound.
Right the first alarm just sounded.
Up and at em..
Today I have a choice.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.
I wish you all well.

Posted on:
Sun, 23/09/2018 - 20:13

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

duncanmac wrote:
Morning dear diary.
Signalman your words truly humble me.
So my old friend I am off to work in twenty minutes to face a 13 and a half hour day off the back of a 16 and a half hour day yesterday and this week I have worked a full week before yesterday, I feel privileged and proud to do so.
Yesterday cycling the 13 miles to work at 3am was forty five minutes of pure joy, I saw 13 urban foxes, the funniest a young one sat in the middle of the road eating a pile of sick someone had left just outside a night spot and as I past it didn't even move, just looked up as if to say what are you doing out at this hour lol.
I roasted a huge whole wild boar yesterday for the local shoot hence the long day, it took 12 hours to cook and surpassed their expectations and on top of that we had a full dining room last night.
Todays rain will hopefully be a blessing, I have some fantastic meat to roast and will do my best to make it the best it can be.
Pay day today and financially I will see my effort rewarded.
Addiction lurks, it will I know try to capitalise on my tired state later but I am prepared for it to come knocking.
What has it to offer??
Nothing but despair and destruction.
It can return to the depths of my mind where it belongs.
It inspires me to live
It drives me to want to achieve
It offers a sobering choice
One that doesn't always come easily but the outcome is profound.
Right the first alarm just sounded.
Up and at em..
Today I have a choice.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.
I wish you all well.

Seriously man... I'll say it again. Inspiring. You are recovery incarnate. And by that I am not implying you are fixed... By your own admission it lurks always. What I'm saying is that I truly appreciate how you look addiction in the face and instead of joining hands with it... You tell it all the amazing things you are now doing, achieving and appreciating as a result of your previous romance with it, then you show it the door. I keep posting disparaging messages re how gambling has taken more than just money from me... Happiness, hope, self-esteem, confidence, clarity of thought, integrity, pride... What's truly incredible for me to know is that I feel violated and barren now but one day i could live life with a grace and humility (like you) if I stay strong and stay on this path. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. You write beautifully.

Posted on:
Sun, 23/09/2018 - 22:08

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Evening dear diary
Signalman fella it's there, keep on keeping on. I have seen it work in many forms, for me it's through graft, hard graft, but I've seen it in other shapes, by giving your all to others, by looking out for them, sharing with them, equally I have seen folk strip back their lives and just graft enough to get by.
There's for me no cap that fits all.
No method is the answer.
Surely the outcome is all that counts and that is to find a way to live without feeding addiction.
I have a glass half full.
Fella I would happily give you half my glass if it would see you right.
A fella far wiser than I once said you just have to keep on keeping on.
I understand what he meant today.
The day you truly want to encounter your addiction you will gift yourself something amazing and you will have the opportunity to share your findings.
Please keep the faith that you have found.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Pages

Pages