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Posted on:
Fri, 28/12/2018 - 19:21

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Fair enough mate. Whatever it takes to keep you away from them buddy.

Posted on:
Fri, 28/12/2018 - 22:38

Marcella

Joined:
2018-12-27

Hey big man.
Thank you for your post. I know times are tough for us all right now, especially this time of year. I stumbled apon your diary a few months back and have looked in now and again. I want to thank you...Your brutally honest posts have helped me more than you will know. I am aware that I will never be cured and I think I have out all the stops in place that I can. In my younger days I used the fobt's like you. I used to know what the number was before the wheel stopped spinning. I know how powerful the lure can be and how dangerous they are. I was that well known in the bookies I would even go to the nights out paid by the enemy. They say the numbers are random generated but u beg to differ. I would not be surprised if there is a big scandal about them in years to come. Anyway, my journey to recovery just beginning. The money I have lost does not matter. I don't mean to speak out of turn but you know the pain of someone else bringing up your kids and so do I. I posted on signalmans thread that everytime I drop my daughter off at her mum's and know that her partner is there is like ten thousand needles in my heart. Many a time when u dropped her off I would lose hundreds. That has been my trigger for the last few years. Not only knowing I am a part time dad but knowing I caused it and it's my fault. I think what I am trying to say is don't be too hard on yourself. One day at a time. I wish you all the best and I know you can stay strong. Always keep the chin up big man!

Posted on:
Tue, 01/01/2019 - 14:42

Marcella

Joined:
2018-12-27

Hey big man.
All the best for the coming year. Hope its a good one. Stay strong

Posted on:
Tue, 01/01/2019 - 18:16

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

Just seen your post from the 28th mate. I hate been a part time dad to my daughter mate. The ex has never had a relationship after me as far as I know so never had to take my daughter back and been another fella there. If that had happened years ago it would have killed me seeing another bloke bringing my daughter up. I feel for you mate having to do that, have you met her new partner?. As long as your daughter happy mate that’s the main thing she first before everything else. I know we have both put gambling first but that was our addiction our love is for our daughters. I’m not over my last gambling episode on the fobt but I know if I make it till April life will be better

Posted on:
Tue, 01/01/2019 - 18:28

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

As for my son who a year and 6 months I know the ex has been with somebody else. But because I don’t see him I have not had to deal with it. I have never met family lik hers and it’s for the best I don’t get involved. But in the future who knows if he tracks me down. Might sound harsh but I’m just speaking the truth 

Posted on:
Thu, 03/01/2019 - 16:21

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

I be honest went in betting shop and lost £45 playing deal or no deal. Not roulette but still been on them machines feel like I have let myself down.

Posted on:
Thu, 03/01/2019 - 19:14

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Boro
Fella I would start by losing the shirt fella, every time I see your thread pop up I smile at the fact that it endorses gambling.
Does that sub consciously make your gambling acceptable for you.
Secondly my old friend nothing will change if nothing changes.
Blocks, ga, counselling...........
Foremost the desire to stop playing the dream breaker.
You staked £3000 pounds in a machine that has a maximum jackpot of £500.
Something that I repeatedly did for over twenty years, whether it a fobt or fruit machine.
Stake more than I could win in a single spin.
My mind was so hell bent on feeding the urge I couldn't see it.
Why don't you buy one of those big money boxes that you can't open and save the note's with every urge and if your son contacts you in the future gift it to him.
Change awaits, you have to want it more than addiction wants you.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Thu, 03/01/2019 - 20:06

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

The thing is duncan I have lost being a full time dad to both my daughter and son and basically ruined 2 relationships because of it. Lost thousands of pounds but still do it, got gamstop on me phone, mam got me cashcard. I never beat it in my opinion it’s about managing it. Having blocks in place like you said.                     The thing is now I ain’t in any debt or anything but I have no life gambling has pretty much ruined. I always respect what you have achieved Duncan and your diary is one I always read always have

Posted on:
Thu, 03/01/2019 - 20:08

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

But I kno what you mean I only comment after a loss. But yeah n the 5 years or so being on here I pretty much check daily even if I don’t comment 

Posted on:
Fri, 04/01/2019 - 04:32

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Boro.
Fella don't take offence but you didn't answer my question.
Your profile picture is one of a man that is endorsing gambling.
A walking advert.
You have lost the contact of your children through your active feeding of addiction.
My hope is one day that you will find a way to see that without placing a punt in a bookmakers you will show them that they mean more than feeding addiction.
You write today like a fella that has nothing left but to chase the dreams addiction makes you believe that are all that are available.
I beg to differ.
Put all the blocks in place that are at your desposall and the next punt will be impossible.
The ones you have are breakable, change is available.
You have to want that more.
Fella you can create opportunities.
Abstain and maintain. Duncs

Posted on:
Fri, 04/01/2019 - 08:47

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

To be honest Duncan forgot what profile picture I had and like you said it’s an advert for gambling. I didn’t get what you were meaning until you said profile picture. 

Posted on:
Fri, 04/01/2019 - 09:02

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Boro.
Fella I appreciate you changing the picture, I truly do believe that you will find a way to halt the destruction addiction wages, we have both been here a long time and I believe that in you doing so it speaks volumes about how you do want a life that doesn't revolve around the next bet.
I respect your honesty, it goes a long way.
With strength and honour my friend.
Duncs.

Posted on:
Fri, 04/01/2019 - 10:52

ALN

Joined:
2018-08-25

Dunc.

I continue to read Boro's posts with interest and like you wish him all the best.
Just wish something would click for you Boro so that you can put all this behind you. I feel that if you could only draw a line under the guilt then maybe things would start to get better.
ALN

Posted on:
Fri, 04/01/2019 - 13:07

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Hey mate

Can only reinforce what Dunc and ALN have said and it does worry me that even when the FOBT stake is reduced, you'll find another way to feed your addiction and carry on doing your load. And maybe at that point you'll finally realise your addiction for what it is. 

I really hope I am wrong though. Noone can force feed you the realisation of how all-encumbasing this addiction is Graeme, you need to realise this for yourself - then you will find the hope and inspiration within to finally tackle this, and you will also see that the support offered on Gamcare has so much more potential for you than a place you can go to offload your sorrows each time you gamble and consequently feel a bit better about it. We are all walking the same path mate and we can help each other, if only you're willing to get stuck in and help yourself first.

 

Posted on:
Fri, 04/01/2019 - 14:49

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

 

Cheers for your comments lads really appreciate them.                 

The thing is I have tried councilling didn’t work.I have been to the doctors what a waste of time that was. I still have a lot of good things in my life like me daughter and son. Not my real son but our Amy brother he still thinks I’m his dad and he 16 now. But both of them still mention my gambling when I was with there mam . I have it chucked in my face all the time but in them 8 years I have always made sure they never missed out on anything. I have bought them PlayStation’s Xbox,s I have always been the one to go without. I have no doubt amy loves me it’s just all the **** her mams put in her head. But I have always been in her life and I always will.                                     Got just about every block in place self exclusion still can go in (I’m not strong enough). Gamstop on me phone. Not got me cash card. I need to be stronger in my head               

Posted on:
Fri, 04/01/2019 - 21:52

Marcella

Joined:
2018-12-27

Hey boro.
I do feel your pain. We have all been there when we have tried so hard not to gamble but have done it anyway and felt worse than before. I just posted on signalmans thread that for me it was not about the money, it was an escape from my personal pain. For me the escape itself became an addiction. I came to realise that if I continued on the path I was on I would lose my daughter in the future. It's was bad enough her telling me all about her mum's partner and all the fun they have together and the things that he buys them both. I have realised that I will always be her dad and it's down to me to be the best dad I can. To be fair though, I think her mum's new partner is actually ok but I can't stop thinking that he has taken my home, partner and daughter when in reality I gave them up for gambling. I hear what you are saying about you ex filling your daughters head with nonsense but surely it's important you don't give her any ammunition. I think I recall on your post you had a long time abstaining from gambling?! Take that mind set and try it again and keep trying as it's clear gambling does not make us happy or contented or replace things we have lost because of our addiction. I know what Dunc is saying about your shirt endorsing gambling. However, these days gambling is everywhere, you cant hide from it and just because we are addicted, we shouldn't need to hide from it. We know what misery gambling brings and how dangerous it is. Society needs to change and maybe one day us addicts will help change it. You are not alone. Boro, you said that you have no life, that gambling has ruined it all...take that thought and make a new life that gambling can't touch. Stay strong brother.

Posted on:
Sat, 05/01/2019 - 20:21

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

Marcella I love my daughter more than anything in the world. I loved her mam just as much but gambling ruined it.                         Never thought I’d find anybody else as good and I did but gambling ruined that as well to be honest. I’m in a better place regarding my ex so if our Amy came and told me her mam had somebody else I’d be fine with it now. If it had happened 8 years ago I would have been devastated. In them 8 years me and her mam have got together. But she always regretted it. I actually want my ex to be happy. I can understand how you think he taken your place because in your head you couldn’t help yourself and you never thought you would lose your ex because of gambling. I was the same 

Posted on:
Sat, 05/01/2019 - 20:25

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

As for the Middlesbrough top I never considered the sponsorship.  Promoting gambling but like you say you get it everywhere these days. 

Posted on:
Sat, 05/01/2019 - 20:35

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Graeme

Did you say you self-excluded from the shops yet or did you mean you're not strong enough to do it yet? If not you really should. Just get it done and you will feel a huge weight lifted.

How are you anyway

Posted on:
Sat, 05/01/2019 - 20:59

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

I’m excluded from them all. But you can still go in them mate 

Posted on:
Sat, 05/01/2019 - 21:06

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

Self control exclusion doesn’t work. You need a lot more blocks in place. 

Posted on:
Mon, 07/01/2019 - 00:01

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Fair point... I'll never forget hitting up a bookie after self-excluding the week before and the same lad that did the form with me greeted me and made me a cuppa instead of kicking me out... So ok touche in that respect.

I guess the clue is in the title though mate - self-exclusion for me was a huge weight lifted because once complete it became risk-based whether to enter the bookie or not... I went in a couple of times freely before being turfed out and that embarrassment alone kept me away for some time. Yeah to be fair I could walk in there now and be fine but what I tend to do is when I feel strong I go in and renew my self-exclusion, so that when I feel weak the block is effective. The clue is in the title brother ;o)

Anyway hang in there for now. Day at a time.

Posted on:
Mon, 07/01/2019 - 22:01

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

Self exclusion you still need will power to keep out. It’s still a good thing though because you could make a fool of yourself going in and then being asked to leave. I have had that happen before it’s embarrassing. 

Posted on:
Mon, 14/01/2019 - 20:30

Marcella

Joined:
2018-12-27

Hey boro. How have you been? Still winning the fight? Thanks for the comments on my thread. It helps more than you will ever know. Stay strong big fella.

Posted on:
Tue, 15/01/2019 - 12:44

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

I’m ok mate thanks. Taken each day as it comes 

Posted on:
Tue, 15/01/2019 - 17:53

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

I have gambled was winning 2800 lost £1500 of it. Finished work then straight in betting shop today £100 spins. Lost the £400 cash then started putting money on using me card. Put £2000 on me card got up to 1600 so only losing £700. Then begin to lose got down to £830 and just collected it. So a net loss today £1530 :(

Posted on:
Wed, 16/01/2019 - 07:41

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

Feel sick again. This is mental torture we put ourselves through. Not really lost but it’s crazy the way I was gambling. Finally cut me card up so nobody need to look after itbecause me mam at her age put to much pressure on herand I can’t use me card in the betting shops. April can’t come quick enough

Posted on:
Wed, 16/01/2019 - 15:25

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Boro.
Fella I feel for you fella, you are so deeply entrenched with addiction you will just keep losing.
The most painful words for me are those that trivialise your loss.
'put £2000 in and got up to £1600 so only £700 down'
My friend that statement could be ripped out of any day of my active gambling life.
Yet like me the £700 loss was not enough you carried on spinning.
We live by a mantra.
I cannot win because I cannot stop.
Do you seriously believe that you will be in a better place in April??
Because fella nobody else will ever fix your problem, equally I firmly believe that the gambling industry will find a way to navigate around the maximum odds, be it through vip membership or multiple spins, they enjoy the money raised from the fobt to much.
Look at the fancy shops we have funded, four fobt in each one.
Time to do more for you.
Cutting up the card a great place to start.
With honesty I fear you have withdrawn cash yesterday from what was left of your stake and if you are like me when addiction is active that money will be burning a hole in your pocket.
I hope I am wrong.
Sincerely I do.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Wed, 16/01/2019 - 16:41

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

Cheers for your comment as always Duncan

I had to cut me card otherwise things would have just continued after a few days. At least this way I have put a stop to losing thousands. No card but don’t need it when I can just transfer money to me mam account. So she can just give me the little money I need.

Posted on:
Wed, 16/01/2019 - 16:46

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

As for do I think April will help . I really do Duncan I think it will help me and a lot of others I don’t play slots only roulette. It will be interesting to see what they do about roulette because really it becomes redundant on £2 maximum stake. I hope they is no way you can up the stake otherwise no point in reducing it to £2. But yesterday was just crazy I’m pleased now I took the £800 and odd out and I have put it back into my account today so no way to draw it out either over the counter or atm 

Posted on:
Thu, 17/01/2019 - 16:59

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

My daughters Lego friends came today. I have been buying her quite a few things lately because I was winning gambling. She still can have whatever she wants because I’m still not short of money even with the gambling I have been doing lately. So that will put a smile on her face the next time I see her . No gambling today or yesterday 

Posted on:
Thu, 17/01/2019 - 19:04

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

Two words and one ends in off 

Posted on:
Thu, 17/01/2019 - 20:18

Marcella

Joined:
2018-12-27

Hey boro. Good to see you are still seeing your daughter. One smile makes all the misery disappear for a bit!! Can't believe some rat has posted that on your thread and a few others! I have on word for them...rhymes with runts!! Keep the chin up big man.

Posted on:
Thu, 17/01/2019 - 20:25

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

I could not believe when I saw it mate. How stupid are some people thinking people would fall for that **** 

Posted on:
Thu, 17/01/2019 - 20:26

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

I alerted the moderator like the soon as I saw it. Pathetic some people are 

Posted on:
Sat, 19/01/2019 - 21:42

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

Not played the fobt today. But been thinking about what I have lost (not money because that can be replaced. The two women I have been involved with the last 15  years. I loved them both but lost them through gambling the first more than the 2 nd. I had a child with both so anybody who gambling out of they mind look at my diary because that what you can lose!!

Posted on:
Sat, 19/01/2019 - 23:50

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Hello Graeme

Mate you didn't gamble today. Massive achievement. You can do this again tomorrow. And then again the next day. Life could slowly start to get better for you.

It hurts to read about your past regrets and what you have lost through gambling. In many ways I respect you so much for putting that out there as it is a smack in the face for me to remain GF and never let my guard down, I'll lose everything if I gamble again... Wife and kid included. You've always posted with brutal honesty and I respect you for that. It's good for those that read your diary.

"Its ok to look back at the past as long as you don't stop and stare at it" - words to that effect someone told me on here in the early days of my recovery. Don't be too hard on yourself today bud, you didn't gamble ;o)

Posted on:
Sun, 20/01/2019 - 09:53

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

Cheers for your support signalman as always                     Getting an urge to put a few bets on the horses today but what’s the point if I win it ain’t going to get the money back I lost the other day. But more than likely just add to the loss

Posted on:
Sun, 20/01/2019 - 21:10

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Yeah. Just give up gambling completely mate. It would be the cheaper and more cost-effective option. The money ain't coming back... Well it will slowly if you earn it back and don't gamble.

Posted on:
Mon, 21/01/2019 - 12:40

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

I’m just pleased I cut me card up so the temptation to go on fobt is not there because I can’t get me hands on any large amounts of cash which is great.

Posted on:
Tue, 22/01/2019 - 10:53

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

Work late today so no gambling at all 

Posted on:
Wed, 23/01/2019 - 11:46

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Do you feel strong today mate? One day at a time - keep what's important to you in your mind and always be mindful of how much damage you'll do to yourself and those dear to you if you succumb to the beast. Have a great day and hope you conquer whatever challenges lay before you today.

Posted on:
Wed, 23/01/2019 - 14:55

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

Definitely mate no urges today to play fobt. Like I have said cutting me card up is probably one of the best thing I have done. Day off work today just enjoying watching the cricket 

Posted on:
Wed, 23/01/2019 - 22:41

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Top man glad you had a good day.

Posted on:
Fri, 25/01/2019 - 23:41

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

Boro wrote:

I have been a gambler for the last 15 years but the last 5 have been really bad. I have got myself into 15 grand worth of debt threw it. The last 2 months have been really bad with me losing about 8 grand witch has left me penny less and feeling sick and depressed. I am addicted to playing the machines in betting shops especially roulette. When i go on i wont come out until i have won, or lost everything. I have come to the point were i have to change. Yesterday i went round all my local betting shops and self excluded myself and phoned neca to get councelling. Feeling slightly better but still cant get over what i have lost threw it. MONEY,GIRLFRIEND AND DAUGHTER. Gambling had taken over my life. But no more i must fight back

I just read this for the first time properly. It's quite moving really. Is your fight back well and truly beginning now? For some reason I feel like it is, maybe because you cut up your card this time. The more cynical would say you've been talking about a fight back for the last 6 and a half years... Does it feel different this time? I hope so. You need this recovery to work for you Graeme.

So... I know you're going to tell me that you haven't gambled since cutting up the card so all is good. But while you're on top of things... What further precautions can you take now to enhance your ability to refrain from gambling? How much are you willing to fight for this?

I'll be waiting for your message to tell me that cutting up the card is enough for you right now and things should be ok from here... But just remember... 6 and a half years is a long time.

What else can you do THIS TIME to further enhance your ability not to gamble.

Posted on:
Sat, 26/01/2019 - 17:51

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

The debt gone. I have more money than I have pretty much ever have had. I reply more tomorrow just finished work and just want to chill. But no gambling today 

Posted on:
Sat, 26/01/2019 - 23:44

signalman

Joined:
2018-08-31

No worries mate. It would be good to know where your heads at right now is all... Also I think it's very useful to keep having conversations like this so you keep reflecting on where you are now and where you are going... This increased level of self-awareness may be a crucial player in the moment when you next decide to step into the bookie or away from it, get what I mean?

Just keep talking mate... The more we keep putting our situations into perspective the more the fog clears and we can start to see the bright lights of our future ahead of us.

Posted on:
Sun, 27/01/2019 - 12:03

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

Me head is all over the place not just with gambling but life in general to be honest. Gambling wise I don’t think I ever be able to stop totally. I be a lot happier come April when these machines are reduced to £2 but cutting me card as reduced any massive loss because in my mind no doubt I’d have gone back again and lost another massive amount. Yeah I could easily get another card but that’s not even in my head. Me brother gone to sedgefield races today could have gone but I think I have lost enough lately plus the money I have got in bank I want to get a new car in March because the car I currently have they no chance it will pass it’s m.o.t in April. But also in my head I don’t want to spend that £10000 on a car I like seeing that in the bank but I’d probably happily go and lose it in an fobt how mad is that. On a more positive note got a picture off my daughter first thing this morning of her Lego friends which she is building. Always make me happy when my daughter messages no matter what it is

Posted on:
Sun, 27/01/2019 - 12:09

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

Plus in the last 2 years I have gone from having basically having a choice of which of the 2 woman I love the most to none at all. The mother to my daughter and the mother to my son. Both pretty much want nothing to do with me.

Posted on:
Wed, 30/01/2019 - 15:54

Boro

Joined:
2012-07-01

No gambling. Life just boring but I prefer a boring life to gambling out of control and the feeling after losing a lot of money. Worst feeling in the world when you have lost everything 

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