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Posted on:
Sat, 10/03/2018 - 21:31

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Diary, for the first time in a long time I found myself romancing the punt. Just a taste I told myself. Almost 6 months without a dime spent on the slots and today I really thought about it. The thing is change is a bi t c h. It's slow and at time painful. I told my ma today that I felt like bawling like a two year old. She said go right ahead. Hahaha. I guess it's ok to cry to mama no matter how old one is. I'm ok now. The sun is slowly setting. I am safe and warm inside our little house. Me, Patrice, ma and the dogs. Supper soon and Big Bang reruns are on all night. Does it get better than that? Hahaha I don't need a slot machine. I needed my mama and she was there. That's lucky. I'd say I won.

Posted on:
Sat, 17/03/2018 - 12:57

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

 

Howdy Diary,

NOTE TO MYSELF:

 

Typical "addict" behaviors include but are not limited to refusing to take accountability for my actions. An inability to see my own BS.

Denial.

Arrogance.

I might run away, or blame other people. It's never my fault. Flinging toys from the crib.

Slamming doors. 

Stomping off.

I've done it all. What I have learned is If I'm being crazy I have to fix it. I cannot expect other adults to wrap themselves in it. As if my crazy is some kind of warm welcoming blanket?! I cannot expect other adults to fix it for me. If I need help I need to go out and get it. If it's a meeting or therapist or both.

Being a friend doesn't mean I have to take cr a p off of people. So I wouldn't expect other people to take cr ap off of me. Addicts like everybody else have to fix their s h it but, if I don't want to or don't believe I need to -any form of abstinence won't amount to much. over time I will inevitably go back to my old behavior. I don't have to be perfect but I have to be accountable. I need to get busy fixing what needs fixed.

 

Posted on:
Sun, 18/03/2018 - 19:30

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Must have picked up a virus last week. Feeling puny and weepy.  In front of the tv under a blanket most of the day. Watching true crime shows. One of them featured a casino and of course that set my gambling mind off. The fantasy didn't last long though. I don't have the time or money for that s hit anymore. Checking Facebook I saw a recent pic of my brother and sister in law and thought to myself they really look good. Then I thought it must be nice to be financially comfortable.  That must be why they still look so young and fit. I would be healthier if I had what they had... uh huh.. gambler brain... I'm over weight because I over eat. And, they certainly have their share of life's ups and downs.

Envy... If only, blah blah blah. I'm starting to catch myself in these moments before the shame vortex sucks me in. It feels pretty good to be able to stop myself. Even with this sh I tty virus I still feel ok. I have a lot to be grateful for. 

Posted on:
Mon, 19/03/2018 - 11:32

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

The shame vortex:

I'm not worthy.

I'm not good enough the way I am.

I'm inherently bad... flawed, broken.

Today, I know I am not any of those things. Sometimes I don't make the best choices but I am no different in that respect than any other human being. 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 25/03/2018 - 20:54

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Some strong urges today but I shoved back and they are all but gone now. The subconscious battle rages on. Fight, flee, or freeze. The slot machine is not my friend. I know that. From my chair I can see a swatch of blue against a pale canvass sky. The heaviness in my chest leaves for a moment. Just long enough for me to wake up to the reality that I am here. I'm am here and everything is ok. Chicken tacos for supper. To bed early tonight. Work tomorrow. I'm looking forward.

Posted on:
Tue, 27/03/2018 - 10:10

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

I'm feeling angry today. Maybe agitated is a better word. I'm impatient with the little things so larger things seem more challenging. This is not a happy clappy post. If addicts have to pray for serenity then we are not by nature St. Francis. I'm not sorry either. I'm no longer apologizing for taking my space or for having a feeling that isn't upbeat. Putting it down on this diary helps. This is that space that I used to stuff gambling into. I'm not numb anymore and momma said there would be days like this. And, what I'm doing about it is naming it. Marking it. Feeling it and pushing forward. I'm certain the day will get better.

Posted on:
Tue, 27/03/2018 - 11:38

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Congratulations JJ on 187 days gamble free. Great progress on your journey of recovery.

I liked your description of the skies you observe from your window and thought of how it can mirror our view of recovery. Sometimes the skies are blue and everything looks fine but clouds can sometimes be a distraction and change our outlook. 

I was touched by your choice of username. You chose Judy as a sign of respect to your resilient goldfish who brought you so much pleasure. We tend to view animals as second class citizens so it is nice that you cherish her memory.

I also like your name Joan but according to Romeo and Juliet "That which we call a compulsive gambler. By any other name would stll suffer shame, guilt, fear and remorse." Or something along those lines.

The clock ticks on and years pass us by. As we age we can store ever more memories. Compulsive gambler memories are gruesome and scary so it would be in our best interests to refrain from gambling and explore other avenues. Who knows what opportunities are waiting round the corner??? Let's go take a look!!!  Stephen x

 

 

Posted on:
Wed, 28/03/2018 - 06:09

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Joan.
Put it out there my friend, you will I believe take something from doing so.
Life is no bed of roses, well if it is ours sometimes becomes overgrown and more of a bed of thorns.
By letting the emotions out I believe you cut back the dead roots giving those beautiful flowers the opportunity to blossom.
Keep being true to you and yours.
Look after yourself and don't ever feel any guilt for doing so.
Why??
Because you are worth it.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Thu, 29/03/2018 - 09:39

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Thanks Duncs for your words and for taking the time to write on my diary.  

Truth is, I don't always feel worthy and I spend way to much of my own time worrying about what other people think.  Probably the only thing that I can think of that is a bigger waste of time and energy than gambling. I do have a life that is full with other people in it who love me warts and all. I'm looking forward to Easter weekend. Family and friends and a roasted chicken with all of the fixings. I'm not by any means a perfect person but I try very very hard.  I'm not a big fan of counting days and have made that pretty clear over the years but, 189 days is my personal best, and I will take it with head held high. 

Posted on:
Thu, 29/03/2018 - 13:33

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Feel like I need to come clean to myself. Bla blah feelings blah Easter chickens and 189 days... the truth is:

Tiny niece calls me up last night to FaceTime. She was in the ER with mom. She looked pale and scared and of course I felt helpless again. Sick of feeling helpless. But I can't fix it! Got to work this morning and set up my training room. Banged off a quick text to brother John to wish him a happy birthday. I thought about when we were kids how good it felt to be seated next to him. 11 months apart. Always side by side in church. At the dinner table. In the boat fishing with our dad. And, how far apart we seem to be now that we are so much older. Then the tears came. Feeling the feeling when the feeling comes instead of stuffing it down doesn't come easily to me at all. 

Posted on:
Fri, 30/03/2018 - 09:53

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

190 days of abstinence has brought me greater financial freedom. The massive debts were cleaned up a couple of years ago. I wish I could say it has brought me greater happiness but it hasn't yet. Action and change.  I can't change the socioeconomic position I'm in. I was born into this class and will most likely die in this class. I will never change that I am the middle child and the only female in the litter. I have always loved life. I have always had hope. I carry around a lot of baggage though. I really don't know how to "let go". I have a good paying job that I do well. I have a partner of 19 years. We own a home together. We took my aging mom in and I look after her part time. My brother John helps her out financially. My oldest and dearest friends live in Chicago and one of them intalkbto once a month or so. He and I were married once and have known each other for 42 years. I have two close girlfriends here in Mass. They both have little ones who refer to me as auntie. I have a pretty full life that keeps me quite busy. I would like to be more present and I believe at work this is beginning to happen. I no longer drag myself through the training like a robot. I have the opportunity to meet 10 souls every other week and I have to say I have never felt more gratified. The lay is ample but I feel more gratified and effective these days and I have to assume it has to do with choices and consequences of those choices. When I was. Shins the eightball financially I needed more and more money to feed the addiction and to pay off creditors. The job was a means to an end. Now I have more financial freedom and my focus is on the quality of the training. I always had a decent pass rate but it's different these days because I'm investing myself more in other souls and less on numbers. I'm learning a great deal about other cultures because the company I work for has a diverse workforce. My relationship with my partner has always been close but I feel there has been some tension. I know we used gambling together and I often thought the reason had to do with the heaviness we both felt around intamacy. We both come traumatic pasts and I know folks don't like hearing that and tend to eye roll but do some reading. Child hood trauma and abuse needs to be addressed and stopped. People never "get over it". We do talk a lot about our feelings and on difficult days we have learned to come together as opposed to running in different directions. We are thinking of joining the gym together when the weather gets better and flu season does down. I doubt we will get addicted to exercise but we shall see. Urges to gamble come and go but not the kind one gets in the very beginning. I still miss it because I tend to think about the fun times. Never mind the times and there were so many when I came home broken financially and in my mind. It takes a long time to fix the financial ruin and the time lost will never be recovered. I'm still learning. My latest topic of interest is this notion of being fully human. When I was a kid the church we belonged to encouraged us to be more Christlike. That's not af all where I'm coming from. However I do believe that the historical Jesus did try to model for humanity what it meant to be fully human. Take it or leave it it's what's been on my mind these days. Intypically go back and correct misspellings etc but today I'm just freestylimg and whatever sticks is good. I write primarilly for myself these days.

Posted on:
Fri, 30/03/2018 - 19:49

volcano

Joined:
2010-07-05

A cool post there Joan, it’s nice seeing you in a good place. 

Again, you’ve given me food for thought as I embark on a rambling forage on your thread. It’s cool to read that you speak to your ex hubby regularly and hai 42 years is a lifetime in many books, a massive part of your history with similarities with my self. 

I also found it interesting in your use of ‘ ‘ with regard to childhood trauma and people never ‘ getting over it ‘ yet there’s many fortunately that get through it and unfortunately some don’t, Sh.it as you know Joan happens and I’m using a old adage and with which Elvid sang well ‘ only the strong survive ‘ and you Joan is a strong intelligent woman and very human. 

Anyway this rambling post is from a cyber pal wishing you and Patrice a nice Easter weekend 

Posted on:
Sat, 31/03/2018 - 12:56

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Hello cyber pal Paul! It was lovely hearing from you. A very happy Easter from us to you as well.

So, did I mention I had a great paying job that I do well? Ha! Yesterday I was informed that I may only have it until the end of the fiscal year which will be July 1.  Life happens!!  It always does. Thank god we haven't been up to our usual antics or we would be up to our eyeballs in debt with no way to pay it! I'm still in my pajamas licking my wounds. It's typical of corporate America to just toss folks out like ballast. To even out the ol bottom line.  Two tears in a bucket and mother fuque it!! I'm moving on. Maybe I will finally do whatever it is I was meant to do instead of turn a buck to spin a wheel. We have plans to visit the tiny nieces and their crazy mother today. I'm still looking forward to that Easter chicken. We're all ok. 

Posted on:
Tue, 03/04/2018 - 19:12

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Yo Diary,

So, sheeeit brick showers are just a part of life and the difference today is I don't use them as an excuse to gamble. Let them fly sideways.  I'm looking forward to July. I need a change and my employer has forced my hand. Truth is I was complacent. Time to face the strange ch-ch-changes.

Posted on:
Tue, 03/04/2018 - 19:50

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Hello Judy,

Just popping by to say hello. I've read your diary for a while now without posting. Im not far off where you are on the GF days and i know personally i feel a lot more confident within myself and i have looked for a new job on the back of that. Change can be good, its nice to freshen up our routine every now and then, though i know we like to think we are safe in our jobs and we are the ones to choose when we change.

All the best =)

Posted on:
Fri, 06/04/2018 - 18:02

volcano

Joined:
2010-07-05

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Ah changes are taking the pace I'm going through. 

Do you know what Joan, resilience is one of the quality’s addiction gifts us, and just by following your diary for these past few years I can tell your quite a resilient sort. If the evitable does happen, I’m pretty sure you’ve got the armoury to strive on to better things, I know it does get tougher with time, but hai you’ve learned over the years what’s important and you can gift your services to another employer. 

Have a good weekend 

Posted on:
Sat, 07/04/2018 - 19:48

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Hey Paul, and so I went with the momentum and put in my resignation for the end of this month. Boom! Two days before my 58th birthday. Why drag it out to July. Nothing changes if nothing changes indeed. I feel good about it and also petrified of the unknown. If I am going to start over then why not start all the way over. That job was a part of the old cycle. I worked I earned we gambled it away I worked I earned we gambled it away. For the last 7-8 years! No more. Debts are paid. I paid!! ENOUGH! I am ready to step into the unknown. I can do anything I set my mind to. Cause I'm freeeee ..free falling..

Posted on:
Mon, 09/04/2018 - 09:56

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

The work week:  I can already feel my chest tightening. My stomach churning. My thoughts swinging back and forth like a pendulum - reflection- anticipation- what was is what will be but maybe worse. What I knew is what will happen. Adrenaline and cortisol shallow breathing. Do I fight? Do I flee? Do I freeze?

Or, just breathe.  The observation gallery: Eyes rolling. So cliche. So boring. All of this self indulgence. I suspect thats what diaries are for. Truth is when I focus on just breathing everything comes back into focus. What was, was what was. I have no control over what's to be. I'm not a cornered rat. I'm an old woman in the world. I have skills. Lots of experience and I'm a survivor. That wasn't so bad. A beer, is an Ativan, is a bowl of ice cream is a spin of the wheel, is a lost 20, or lost time... or, maybe I can just ******* breathe.

Posted on:
Mon, 09/04/2018 - 10:08

volcano

Joined:
2010-07-05

A fantastic way with words Joan, I can actually feel them and relate to them ( apart from the woman part ) 

Are these diary’s self indulgence ? I don’t know and don’t think it really matters. You’ve got the skills, the know how to get through this latest test. You’ve also got your soul mate by your side, so breathe and it’s just another day and tomorrow will also be just another day, so live the now and******* the not now. 

Comrade Paul wishing comrade Joan well 

Posted on:
Mon, 09/04/2018 - 12:51

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Thanks Comrade! Yeah, it's funny how our lives run parallel on the diaries at times. I like Duncs have been the second engine on a two engine plane and know exactly what it feels like to be let down. To be the one left holding the bag. In my situation I have given heart and soul to my employer for the past 18+ years. This year they saw fit to write me out of the 2019 budget. "Nothing personal" they said. Hahaha So, it was a huge step for me to let my job go. They are getting their months notice but nothing more. Selfish? You betcha!! I'm flying over this cookoo 's nest. That's my truth. Im sure my employer might be telling a different truth and I am sure I have trespassed against an innocent. Does that make me a selfish snake? I don't think so. So why the mini rant? I guess I was feeling a little guilty. Meh? My sanity and my family come first. 

Posted on:
Tue, 10/04/2018 - 09:42

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Bless the beasts and the children. In this world they have no voice. They have no choice.

Choice.

Take it or leave it.

I have the same pants to get glad in.

Pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice.

I'm thinking about the choices I make. Accountability. Taking responsibility for the choices I make. I don't have time to sort out why others choose what they choose -especially since I can never really know the answer. 

I thank God everyday for every new day. Opportunity to make more choices. To make more mistakes. Sometimes I sit back and let life take the wheel. Life is wise. Trust. Trust God. Trust Life. 

Life is like a box of chocolates

Posted on:
Tue, 10/04/2018 - 12:57

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

How spooky that you would mention hall of mirrors...I came out of my meeting last night thinking just that :-0  

17 different looking versions of me telling my story in different words & from different stages of my journey.  I have learnt so much from so many people that I wouldn’t have had the privilege of meeting without my addiction & it completely disproves the theory about not being able to get something for nothing...Hope & friendship are free in recovery!

Good on you for having the balls to turn the page onto your next chapter Joan...That takes strength!

Posted on:
Wed, 11/04/2018 - 10:05

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Thanks Kelly. In my heart I know I'm doing the right thing but tthe affirmation from my cyber pals always helps and I appreciate it!

Taking it slow today. Turns out I only wound up with 4 out of 10 trainees this week. Am thinking this human service org I work for is beginning to implode. These non for profit places are everywhere. All in competition for welfare dollars. Our cultural values are messed up over here. That's all I'm gonna say about that. I'm pushing through. I will see to it that these 4 get a quality training. The recent changes haven't dampened my enthusiasm as a trainer. The gratification I get from the work I do never came from my employer but through the people I train. It's important for me to feel effective. And, of course getting paid is a good thing too. Over the next several months I will need to focus on my health both physical and mental. In addiction I've neglected my body and my mind. We CGs lose sooo much more than money. In fact for us the loss of money was the very least of it.  I still read around the diaries and it's tragic how many family members are being lied to.  Folks thinking that everything will be fine once the debts get paid. Not realizing what we do to our souls. Coming out of a long dream state. My body has aged! I have lost the stamina to do physical labor.  It doesn't take much to wear me out. The house we live in needs work too. Mostly cosmetic. We did manage to take care of the big stuff. I'm sure if our gambling habit progressed loss of property would have been imminent. Still in all I have to say I'm happy. I have a lot to be grateful for. Time to get ready. It's another day.  Thank you God.

Posted on:
Fri, 13/04/2018 - 15:11

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

6+ months of abstinence doesn't make up for the years I sold my soul out and for all the times I lied to people I claim to love. It's a start.  What I have been noticing lately is the ripple effect. Yes the monetary debts are paid and the credit score has been restored. I am a member of a club (yahoo). I am sort of free falling at the moment. I will have sporadic income here and there and there are no worries about defaulting on the mortgage or making ends meet. I reached out to an old friend just to talk and his hesitation in responding leaves me wondering if he fears that I might hit him up for a loan. :-/ That's the ripple effect. The kick in the**** that keeps kicking. The reputation of being a sponge or a leech. This man loves and respects me enough to overlook the ugliness BUT he knows to protect himself. I am never to be trusted again when in comes to finances. Those of us playing fast and loose with trust and then whining about monetary losses have to realize for once and for all IT AINT ABOUT THE MONEY!  Time, and trust. Selling out yourself. That takes a very loooooooong time to come back from so 1000 days later so what??? We're a little bit older.  What time away from gambling gives me is an opportunity to CHANGE. I don't want to go back to being the person I was before I started gambling. That's the idiot that got me tangled up in this mess in the first place! I'm not all skippity doo dah today. I'm humbled. Most days tearful. I'm weak and wobbly but I'm moving forward. I have discovered that I have a severe allergy to slot machines like some people have to shellfish or peanuts. It's deadly!! 

Posted on:
Thu, 19/04/2018 - 13:30

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Dark Mood Alert!

However, Facebook is probably a better place to go to surf the seemingly unending waves and rippling exploits of all of the shiny happy people in our lives right?

The sun has been up for a couple of hours but it's dark and raw. I'm watching the snowflakes falling and I hear over the tv that some schmuck won a million on a scratch ticket not once, but twice this year. For a moment or two my mind is flooded with warm gooey thoughts of winning money. Lots and lots of money. FAAAACK!!!!  I have a better chance at getting struck and killed by a ducking lightening bolt!  The snow, silent, clean, and steady, is actually quite beautiful. The glow from my pink Italian lights are calming. I'm aware that I'm hungry and my partner is home today so that means one of her world's famous fried egg and cheese sandwiches for breakfast.

Life is good.

Life is wise.

Life is free.

Life is eternal.

So, I turn off the tv and plug into my iPhone. The music is sweet and soothing. Old habits are being broken and new habits are being born. 

 

 

Posted on:
Mon, 14/05/2018 - 13:06

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Page 6, has it been that long?  Time goes quickly. Yet, at times the hours hell, the minutes seem like days. Life is strange. I turned 58 at the end of last month. I received my last pay check the first week of May. I am just now getting over a pretty rough upper respiratory infection. Life goes on. Ma's memory is getting worse. Yesterday was Mother's Day and when my brother called her on the phone by evening time she had forgotten what day it was and wondered why he was calling. He texted me a few minutes after hanging up with her and expressed his sadness over her decline. I suppose I got immune to it seeing her every day. Like Duncs I weather the sheet storms as well as I can. Without the gambling insanity the usual insanities of daily living are becoming more manageable. Patrice was diagnosed with diabetes so now, its time to make better choices. We have neglected our health over the years or maybe just took it for granted. "But, time makes you bolder even children get older and I'm getting older too."  I have two close friends who both had gastric sleeves. Each lost a considerable amount of weight and now each are putting the weight back on. Addiction has many faces. Relapse is inevitable if you don't get to the heart of things. Coping vs. self destruction. Hope vs. despair. Acceptance. The permanence of change. Letting go or not getting so damn attached in the first place has been. Constant source of suffering for me. Pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice. I read that somewhere... In my life like most I have had terrible pain. Revisiting the crime scene or picking the scabs off of old wounds is suffering. Why should I continue to suffer? I suppose I might feel safer with the familiarity of it. I don't like unknowns. I don't like surprises. I prefer to feel in control. Powerlessness is something I could ever accept. Today I know there are no guarantees. And time just rolls on. And life is. And what will be will be.

Posted on:
Sat, 09/06/2018 - 11:24

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

It's been so long I couldn't find my diary. Here's hoping this is the right page. I check in from time to time to catch up on some diaries. Life has been life. House keeping. Looking after mom. I did some consulting and earned a little pile of money. Took the neices on a summer excursion to the Great Wolf Lodge. I grapple with urges to gamble but they are not what they used to be. We haven't set foot in a casino for a very long time. I keep a day counter now but I was never a fan of them. Reminds me of net worth. How much do you have? More is better. I want to be the girl with the most cake. That's all BS. Why do I do it then? I suppose it helps me on bad days. I don't know. I'm in a so so mood today. I suppose that's why I came to you diary. It's hard to stay dark when the morning is so beautiful. I have the windows open so I can hear morning doves and woodpeckers. I can see treetops and a sky that looks like a painting. The sun is peeking through the blinds casting patterns on the walls. There's a crispness to the air. The old woman tapping on her iPhone has the entire day in front of her. She's free to do as she pleases. For now I will sip coffee and breathe. Thank you God for another day.

Posted on:
Wed, 20/06/2018 - 20:54

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Hi Diary,

I'm having a hard time today. I'm stressing out about an upcoming medical test/appointment. I was watching tv and a commercial for the casino we used to go to came on. I found myself having a fantasy about sitting in front of  a machine. Funny how I don't remember losing. Yeah.. I'm not even sure how I'm feeling right now. I guess I go on auto pilot and the slot devil swoops right in. The thing is, gambling never ever made me feel better. On the contrary. 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 12:23

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Morning Diary,

I'm up and ready for the day. The rest of the crew is still sleeping. There's a cool breeze blowing through the window. I feel like some coffee, cream and honey is in order. I'm still freaking out about what's to be but, that's what I do. What I don't do is run to the  casino. In another 90 days it will be a year. I don't miss it all that much. I still have the occasional fantasy but I know it's not real. I could cancel the appointment - run away and hide or face it. I will face it. For now, it's coffee time. Keeping it simple today. 

Posted on:
Mon, 25/06/2018 - 14:10

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Feeling like Charlie Brown on Christmas Eve. Screaming on the inside smiling on the outside just wishing someone anyone would tell me what the hell it's all about. Holding a shiny penny that I I found on the the floor thinking how it was strategically positioned as if to say find me and how I needed it to be a sign from Ed. Wondering how folks can live a life in this world without a higher power. Thinking how much easier it was to be 10 when I believed in god with all of my heart mind and soul. Today I don't know what I believe in anymore. Still holding that penny. 

Posted on:
Mon, 25/06/2018 - 14:50

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

That penny can be anything you want it to be!  

You were happy when you were 10 because you hadn’t learned how to fear...Focus on the now Joan, tomorrow will come & go just like all of your yesterdays & you will deal with it just as you always have done!

Sending you strength from across the pond my friend!

Posted on:
Sat, 30/06/2018 - 23:39

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Thanks Kelly

I went to the appointment and had the test. Results are pending. I managed to get through it and then today I had some of the worst urges to gamble. I hate this compulsion. I hate myself for being so weak. My partner is off for a week. We have all kinds of day trips planned. I get it into my head that we should take a detour to the casino. Why???? Before quitting we had to rack up 33,0000 in credit debt. Paid that in full and then ran up another ten effing 10 grand.! Paid that off .. What the hell???? We went and had dinner at the chicken farm instead but it was too close. I feel like I'm headed for a fall. I gotta breathe and get my head together.

Posted on:
Thu, 19/07/2018 - 13:38

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Still struggling. Took down my day count because I was getting obsessed with it. Although I don't gamble compulsively (at the moment) I reach for food when I'm not hungry. I feel just as "addicted" only now we don't live in fear of bankrupting ourselves. I went to the doctor and got a list of behavioral health councilors. Maybe some therapy will help. Certainly couldn't hurt. Not gambling but still thinking and acting like an addict. That's me. 

Posted on:
Wed, 25/07/2018 - 17:39

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi Judy... I relate to your last post. Ive long since given up counting cos it just messes with my head. I also eat when not hungry. I find its just like another form of self abuse. I eat alot of bread and snacks late evening knowing only too well that a very full stomach will stop me getting to sleep and I will feel tired in the morning but I do it anyway. I also eat quickly as well so am full before my brain has the opportunity to tell me so. Its only because am so active that am not 26 stone. Everything I do is addict like, no off switch. We learn to live with it as best we can. But hey well done for not giving in to the gambling temptation. Your doing mighty fine in my eyes.

Take care

Posted on:
Tue, 28/08/2018 - 23:36

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Dear Diary,

I just need to talk to you. I'm feeling crazy. No judgement. No numbers. No winning. No losing. Just feeling like I want to scream. Sometimes I just feel so ******* lost. So many folks have it so much worse. I feel like an addict today. A self pitying addict. So there it is diary. 

Posted on:
Wed, 29/08/2018 - 00:35

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

You're not a self-pitying addict. You are a person having a **** day(s\)

Hope tomorrow is better. :)

Cathyx

Posted on:
Wed, 05/09/2018 - 15:55

A 9

Joined:
2018-08-31

Hi again Joan :)) .

Equally good to hear from you and your right we didn't leave things in a good place last time which is a real shame but I feel I've learned a little more about respecting others after having some time away  so hopefully no reapeat's :)) .

Many , many thank's for your message of welcome it means a lot .

I hope you and Patrice are well and I'm sure we'll catch up soon .

Much love and best wishes to you both x

Posted on:
Thu, 13/09/2018 - 06:09

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

#hi

Posted on:
Tue, 30/10/2018 - 12:46

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Hey Diary,

Page 7 uh oh. I guess it's been awhile dot dot dot

Living an adult life relatively sober. "Progress not perfection".  

Some days it's one moment at a time. I now grant myself permission to feel. Some feelings are dark and uncomfortable. I make mistakes. I experience setbacks. I have learned to accept myself warts and all. Taking advantage of the opportunities to make changes. Some of my warts I was born with. I am beautiful as I am. I am good enough and worthy of good things. Worthy of a calm peaceful life. My addictions are flawed responses- actions to flawed thinking. My flawed thinking is usually in response to attachments of sorts. Attachments to the past. Mistakes, disappointments, old grudges. Attachment to trauma and old wounds. Letting go opens up the doors and windows to lightness and clarity. I have good days and bad days. I still hide behind masks. I still hold on when I should let go. I'm learning and I'm getting better every day. Change is slow I guess.

 

Posted on:
Wed, 31/10/2018 - 02:21

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

:)

Cathyx

Posted on:
Wed, 31/10/2018 - 17:42

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Thanks Cathy

I look up at the sky and see a cloud that looks like a turtle. In a few moments it has become a distorted looking face with a rather ****** up looking smile. Then it's altogether gone. Nothing. Or, another cloud that looks like..and on it goes. It's Halloween. I love this time of year. In the car just driving with my favorite person in the world. The colors are amazing but even more so because I have someone to share the moment with. Thoughts of gambling appear like clouds. If I wait a moment they  rearrange and transform until they finally fade into the next fleeting thought. I guess this is my long winded way of saying: let the thoughts come and go. They are S harmless as clouds. Happy Halloween!!!

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