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Posted on:
Wed, 22/08/2012 - 10:42

Charlottex

Joined:
2011-12-10

Hi Joan,

Well done on the 29 days gamble free, u r doing brilliant :)

I hope u enjoyed ur book :)

Have a gr8 day x

Posted on:
Wed, 22/08/2012 - 12:55

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Thanks Rach and Charlotte!

G'morning Diary Day 30:

I have decided that the title of my Diary will remain Day 1 as a humbling reminder that day 1 or day 101 I am one button, one scratch, away from where I was when I started. I will never be a perfect person and in learning that I have become less controlling of everyone and everything around me. Stephen Stills once wrote these words: "Shadows on the ceiling hard but not real like the bars that cage me within myself". Discovering that the choice has always been mine, and practicing letting go has opened up a whole new world to me. One where I can breathe
and experience new things. Today, I am here inside of my skin and calm enough to read a blessed book! I have hopes and dreams for tomorrow. To anyone reading my diary -- have a wonderful day, and stay strong. We do this one day at a time.. joan

Posted on:
Wed, 22/08/2012 - 13:10

WOMBLE

Joined:
2012-06-17

Day 30....Go you hun!
Not only are the days mounting up Joan BUT you are changing your whole way of thinking.
Reading books again....great isn't it to be able to absorb information again..........Dunno bout your choice of books tho.....shades of grey for me.....LOL

Keep on doing what you are doing Joan my friend!

Hugs from across the calm seas Sue xxxxxxxxxxxx

Posted on:
Wed, 22/08/2012 - 19:26

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

...hey hun.

No tongue biting...you go for it girl...

I love your honesty Joan...its refreshing and rather like my own...

I always need some words of wisdom so I am relying on you to guide me outta this funk too....lol...no pressure!!

keep on keeping on .....you are on the right route...forget Route66...this is "Route to infinite possibilities".. ...'Rest In Perseverance"

Progress not Perfection...xxx

R and D xx

Posted on:
Thu, 23/08/2012 - 07:10

CD15

Joined:
2012-05-02

Hi Joan, thank you so much for your post on my diary, your words of support mean so much to me.
I love your choice of words, they actually struck me quite hard, and moved me.
I am still very raw emotionally, but as long as I stay away from the slots then I won't be adding to my mess.

You are doing amazingly well on your own journey, a huge congrats to you :)

Take care

Cameron

Posted on:
Thu, 23/08/2012 - 08:09

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

hiya Joan..

Trying to work out time differences here but no joy but guessing about 10 hours....from old UK..

How are you today lovely...?...I think you are fantastic and it takes so much courage to feel it all and plough ahead..

Sitting still in our own skin can be so hard...I find that part of the forums greatness is that it focusses our minds on just ....reading and typing...which can be very therapeutic ...I love bashing down on those keys which is why I dont use the touch typing version of this ipad...bought a mini keyboard to go with...lol

Thinking of you today and wishing you nothing but peace in your heart and mind,....

Virtual hugs

R and D xxx

Posted on:
Thu, 23/08/2012 - 11:05

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Thanks Cameron and (((((((Rach)))))).. This journey would be soooo lonely without you.

G'morning Diary er, Day 31:

A teaching day today so, I must be out the door in about an hour. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." To anyone reading my diary, have a wonderful day. Stay strong! -joan

Posted on:
Thu, 23/08/2012 - 20:01

WOMBLE

Joined:
2012-06-17

Hi Joan,

You dropped to page 2.........Not having that!

So Joan....page 1....just where you should be!

Have a lovely day!

Sue x

Posted on:
Fri, 24/08/2012 - 10:37

Charlottex

Joined:
2011-12-10

Hi Joan,

Just popping in 2 say that I hope u r ok and staying strong :)

Have a gr8 day x

Posted on:
Fri, 24/08/2012 - 10:44

CD15

Joined:
2012-05-02

Hi Joan, just popping by to wish you well and hope lifes good for you right now.

Take care

Cameron

Posted on:
Fri, 24/08/2012 - 11:48

Shiny

Joined:
2011-05-29

Yo

Just checking up on you :-)

Post soon..........

Shiny xxxxxx

Posted on:
Fri, 24/08/2012 - 12:13

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Thanks (((((((Sue, Charlotte, and Cameron))))). Group hug. :)

G'morning Diary, Day 32:

Almost dropped my basket last night. Got home and all I wanted to do was -- I am not even gonna say it. Just saying the word sometimes for me is romancing the b*****d. I cannot believe what a grip this thing has on me. As an alcoholic in addiction the drama always seemed to center around romance or finance. I feel for me that it is the same with the g-word. We are in deep debt right now. Our credit has been destroyed and we are no longer living in denial about it. The week before payday is always very scarce. My partner God love her is a bit of a shop-a-holic and spends what little she has on cr** that neither of us needs. I say her money b/c we have always kept our accounts separate which I believe was one of the only smart decisions we ever made together. We pretty much divide all of the houshold expenses evenly yet, she always manages to come up short the week before payday. If we were'nt so broke her little spending sprees wouldnt be such an issue but, we are broke and need to be more careful about how we spend it. The saddest part of the whole thing is what she buys are usually stupid little things for me! So, that's the first layer. The second layer is the guilt and shame I feel for being broke. The third layer or circle of hell shall I say, is the imp within that says, "well, you are already broke and feeling like cr**. Why not cheer yourselves up by going g-wording?" Wtf is that?? That is the twisted thought process of this addict... So, what I am learning about myself is that the urges are not something apart from me. On the contrary, they are more like a virus that has gotten inside of me. I dont have to let it kill me if I dont want it to. But, it will be lying dormant in my system like chicken pox for the rest of my life. In moments of weakness, when my resistance is low it will rear it's ugly head. It will get very itchy from time to time but, I can handle that. I will eventually get better at reading the signs and symptoms. I will do what I need to do to keep my resistance up -- whatever that is. I will need to think about that some more. Well, dear diary -- that 's me today. I did not g-word yesterday, and I will not today. To anyone reading my diary, I apologise if you got lost in this post.. it was a strange one that's for sure. Be good to yourself today. Do something fun and stay strong. -joan

Posted on:
Fri, 24/08/2012 - 12:23

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

Hi Joan..

Just a few words ...first of all..you may have had those thoughts but you didn't act on them..fantastic !!!

Second...that 3 layer cycle you talk about .....I totally get that and about feeling infected.I feel the same inside too.

Sending you long armed hugs from across the pond
and reading your diary every day.

R and D xx

Posted on:
Fri, 24/08/2012 - 12:27

Anonymous-user

Joined:
2014-10-23

A huge well done for not g******g yesterday.

It's all about making the right choices for ourselves in order to lead a much better life.

And you did!

NT

Posted on:
Sat, 25/08/2012 - 11:21

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Thank-you Rach and NT!!

G'morning Diary, Day 33:

the sun is just coming up over New England and I seem to have made it through another dark night. I can remember not long ago dragging in at this hour flat broke and my whole body inside and out buzzing from being up all night slumped over a you know what. I honor my past, not to torture myself with it but, to keep myself humble. I do not miss the panic, shame, scarcity, and feelings of hopelessness. Today, I feel my strength coming back. I look forward to going down to the lake in a few hours to be with my pals. I'm ready to laugh out loud, scarf back some hamburgers, and to feel some sunshine on my face. A g-free life is the good life baby!! To anyone out there reading my diary -- embrace life one day at a time g-free! -joan

Posted on:
Sat, 25/08/2012 - 11:35

tom686

Joined:
2012-08-24

Wow that book is supposed to be great the zen and the art of motorcycle maintainance.

I have never read it myself but my dad has it and you have just gave me an idea to keep my mind busy

Posted on:
Sat, 25/08/2012 - 11:38

Shiny

Joined:
2011-05-29

Good morning ,

Soooooooo jealous ...........

Want to be sitting by a lake , want to be scoffing burgers , want to be laughing my head off .

Can you adopt me , so I can get a green card , .......

Here it is raining , I live in the centre of a major city .

Soooooooo jealous ...........

It is bloooooody marvellous to see you reaping the rewards that not gambling brings , keep going Hun , cause as you do these days out , guilt and shame free will become an almost every ocurance ......

Have fun .......

Shiny xxxxxxxxxx

Posted on:
Sat, 25/08/2012 - 17:08

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Judy.
That sounds like a place to be!!!
And for you I know made sweeter each day just for today my friend by making the choice to live Gamble free.
A big well done from me, those dark nights will be outweighed by the bright days thats for sure.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Sun, 26/08/2012 - 11:34

Charlottex

Joined:
2011-12-10

Hi Joan,

Just popping in 2 say I hope u r having a gr8 wknd :)

Stay strong xx

Posted on:
Mon, 27/08/2012 - 13:23

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Thanks to you all for looking in on me. Your support really helps to keep me strong.

G'morning Diary, Day 35:

Had a great day at the lake with may pals. Had a very long day yesterday. Started at 4:00AM -- had to drive over to Hubbardston Flee Market to sell off a bunch of junk. Made 160 bucks but, it was a long day. Good thing we got a table in the shade. Came home and treated ourselves to a steak dinner! My partner is off all of this week. We are making the house ready to receive my 78 year old mom who will be living with us from now on starting on September 4th. Things have not always been perfect between me and mom over the years but, I have always been able to be honest with her and she with me. This arrangement is not going to be easy but, the timing is right. The year before last I went down to part time. I left my job as a nurse adminstrator and am only teaching classes now, every other week. I have more time for taking care of P, the pets, the house, and now, I guess mom. It's do-able where as before with both of us working outside of the home things would get crazy around here. We used the fast pace and stress of our jobs as an excuse to gamble all weekend. 10 years of that, and as a result the house is a mess and so our the finances. We were very lucky not to lose everything. I thank God every day for this opportunity to rebuild. That's why when I get strong urges to gamble I want to just scream!!! Why would I want to sabatoge myself like that. We tell ourselves that it is an opportunity to get ahead but it is a huge lie. There is sooo much emphasis today on lotteries. Folks like us living from pay check to pay check thinking that by spending 100 bucks that we dont have that we could be the one person out of millions catapulted into wealth. It's really prettty f***** up when you think about it. The truth lies in the moment to moment day to day choices that we make. I'm going to sit here for awhile and listen to P and my two corgis breathe as they lie sleeping. I'm going to read some diaries and post on my own. I'm gonna make another cup of coffee and sit in the yard. I'm gonna listen to the birds and the sound of the occasional car passing by. I might wonder where they are off to. I'm gonna live in the here and now. Today, I am making the choice to not gamble. To anyone reading my diary have a great day and stay strong. We can do this together one day at a time. -joan

Posted on:
Mon, 27/08/2012 - 14:28

WOMBLE

Joined:
2012-06-17

Hi in Joan,

Once again I am transported back in time and am picturing you on your porch....Joan you really do have a special talent with words....Have you thought about writing....extra income?

How good you are to have your mum come and live with you!

You really are doing so well.......Picture a little womble jumping upand punching the air!

Enjoy those gorgeous autum colours when they come out......few years ago I did niagra in the fall, colours were amazing!

Hugs my friend........By the way we spell colour the correct way....LOL...LOL!

Sue xxxx

Posted on:
Mon, 27/08/2012 - 18:48

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

LOL, Sue, I can see that little womble.. lol.. thanks pal. I needed to laugh.

Well, diary... just taking a break from all of this insanity. No matter what we do the house still looks like a bomb hit it.. Deep down I am worried about what my mom might think.. She knows that I am a recovering alcoholic and now recovering cg as well.. No secrets there.. It's just that my brother's home is sooo much nicer than mine and I am feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment. If this were an AA meeting someone from across the room would probably be shouting "get off the pity pot" or, "get off the cross Mary, we need the wood"... lol.. I went to some pretty hard core meetings back in the day.. lol. It's true though. It all goes back to the guilt and shame over throwing hard earned money down the drain instead of taking care of our property. Still, I have so much to be grateful for -- and I trully am. Oh well, time to tend to the hounds and then back to cleaning...

Posted on:
Mon, 27/08/2012 - 22:30

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

Hiya Joan....

I too think you would be a great writer...you may want to look to look at that someday...creative writing courses packed in somewhere in your busy week.... : )

It is so true about the small things ....right now I am 2 days into moving in with my pals who live in a very thrifty way ...I am learning to enjoy wholesome,simple and rustic which was always my plan at my w house but I spent too long away from it with work commitments....

Corgis eh?...a real talking point there should you ever meet the Queen?..lol..funnily enough I haven't seen a Corgi for years....however I did say that about Basset hounds and then saw 3 in a week.!

Dotty is a tri colour jack russell and a little minx but she has such a cute face and is an angel.

I know what they say about the pity pot and all that but sometimes I think it is good to feel stuff just so long as we don't wallow in it...don't forget Joan its all part of the cycle of healing and the death of the "old you" ....and like any death even though you have so much good life and great times to be lived it involves a bit of grieving and sadness that may look like self pity from the outside..

your peeling more layers off the onion ...sometimes those onions make us cry and bit...xxxx...don't be too hard on yourself..

hugs from across the pond xx

R and D ..wuffs xxxx

Posted on:
Tue, 28/08/2012 - 09:13

CD15

Joined:
2012-05-02

Hi Joan, what a wonderful writer you are. I also closed my eyes and pictured your lovely home setting, oh the joys :)
I just wanted to say a huge thank you to you for your post on my diary, I will never forget the moment I read the words that you were reaching out your hand to me... I could 'see' it in my minds eye, and boy did I need it. Thank you my friend.Ive made my first week milestone, no intentions of stepping back into the black hole that I have managed to surface from, I'll always remember your words, thank you so much.
Hope all is good in your world today, stay strong, take care

Cameron

Posted on:
Tue, 28/08/2012 - 10:28

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Thank-you ((((((((Sue, Rach, and Cameron))))))- group hug!

G'morning Diary, Day 36:

It is not yet daylight here in the States but, I will be off to work in an hour or two. Not a single urge to gamble but, I must admit that I just rolled out of bed and my blood is barely pumping. I am pretty certain that I have mentioned before that transitioning into the work week is much easier now that weekends are less chaotic. I actually earned money this weekend! When I was in the throes of gambling I used to start off my work week filled with dread. I'ts so funny some days I am so "in it" that I feel as if I could suffocate while other days like today, I feel as if I am standing on a mountain top. Same lousy drive on route 9. Same little windowless training room and yet, I am looking forward to class. Thinking about how I will present the introductions to this new group of students whoever they might be... Today, I am not as obsessed with my appearance. I have every intention of showing up looking presentable but, I am not as self concious. Maybe that is because for once I am not trying to hide something. In AA we used to say that we are as sick as our secrets. I believe that is true. Today, I can speak to mindfulness, and right thinking without feeling like a fraud. Yes, my hair is graying, and I have many new lines on my face but, I feel comfortable in this ol' skin. I'm not perfect but, as they say; it is progress that we seek in recovery, not perfection. To anyone reading my diary, have a wonderful gamble free day. Stay strong! joan

Posted on:
Tue, 28/08/2012 - 10:37

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Judy.
Now that is for me a Wow post, well done you, the gamble free life is for sure making you something just for today to be extremely proud of.
I doff my cap to you.
Duncs stepping forward never back.
INSPIRED thankyou.

Posted on:
Tue, 28/08/2012 - 11:14

Charlottex

Joined:
2011-12-10

Hi Judy,

That was a gr8 post 2 read, well done on 36 days gamble free. U r doing gr8 :)

Ur determination shines thru!

Have a gr8 day x

Posted on:
Tue, 28/08/2012 - 13:44

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

Hiya Joan..

Sometimes it needs numbers to actually see what a person has achieved and looking there at 36 days ....I am blown away at how much work you have done in such a small space of time!

WOW...

If anyone had said how long has Joan been on the site I would have said...around 3 months or so!!!...(without looking at the number of days).

It just shows what can be done in such a small timespan....lifetimes lived many times over...

Also joining in the "doffing of hats" to say..go girl...you did good....you are good..and you will continue to do good.....

onwards and upwards Joan

R and D xxxx

ps..Am also a Trainer but in Natural Health Sector in the UK....Anaheim Trade show in Calafornia every year! ...lentils and sandals no more! xx

Posted on:
Tue, 28/08/2012 - 13:48

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

DOH!...hopped on to your diary before my own when i logged on....didn't see your post til now...

doggy chat to follow...lol...sounds like you have a real houseful there..there is a site which i wont mention as you will be in tears and having to buy huge amount of land.....but its dogs that have ben mistreated needing rehoming.....
My pals have banned me from it as i start getting all watery eyed..

R and D xxx.

Posted on:
Wed, 29/08/2012 - 11:12

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Thanks Duncs, Charlotte, and Rach!

G'morning Diary, Day 37:

I've been reading diaries and folks have been commenting about how the diaries have helped them to stay strong and focused. I happen to agree whole heartedly on that one. My best time of the day is the morning when I just get up. For me it is important to devote my best time to what is most important to me. Today, the most important thing to me is this recovery process. Getting up in the morning. Getting a freshly brewed cup of coffee.. sitting down at the computer and logging onto the diaries for just one hour each day has done wonders for my spirit. I don't always feel like writing and I don't always have much to say but, just doing it .. even if it feels like I am just going through the motions is for me meditative and grounding. No urges yet, today. I am here and I am calm. One more cup of coffee and I might end up in orbit but, that is something else.. :) To anyone reading my diary have a great day. Stay strong! joan

Posted on:
Wed, 29/08/2012 - 18:39

WOMBLE

Joined:
2012-06-17

Hi Joan,
Don't worry about day to day on your diary...I have found some days.......Can talk for England (very British saying...lol) other days can't string two words together...Go with the flow hun!

As for X factor....just think Simon Cowell!
Still lovin' your awesome diary my friend!
Sue xxxxx

Posted on:
Wed, 29/08/2012 - 18:49

carlw

Joined:
2011-08-17

hi joan

i too think the diary is instrumental in the recovery,some days we dont have much to report and others not enough time to write it all, the main thing is the logging in and feeling better

keep your guard up

carl

Posted on:
Wed, 29/08/2012 - 19:37

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

hiya Joan....

Your cultivating a healing habit and a healthy routine to set you up for the day and keep you focussed...

I think thats great...

The diaries work differently for everyone...I love giving support but i also love to download the contents of my mind too..somedays I have good days and some truly not so good days...the whole lot used to get logged...good bad and ugly as I used my diary selfishly.

Dont worry if somedays you have nothing to say.....just nice somedays to read and log off....main thing is you keep connected Joan....

hugs and doggy paw hugs .....

R and D xxx

ps...we have had piccies of the doggies ...Blondie posted one of her woody and I have been trying to post one of dotty but no idea how to on ipad.xxx

Posted on:
Thu, 30/08/2012 - 10:04

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Hugs to you all Sue, Carl, and Rach!

G'morning Diary, Day 38:

In the recent past Thursdays would mark the beginning of our weekend and the most difficult time for me in terms of urges. I must say that as the weeks go by Thursdays are feeling more like what Thursdays used to feel like. Em.. the day before Friday. :)Today is the last day of class. Always a happy and hectic one for both me and the students. Today, they will test out and some of them will move on to certification testing while others will stay back for a little extra study and re-testing. I am looking forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow is payday Friday and I still have money in my account from last payday!! I am beginning to understand a little bit more about my past relationship with money. Not so healthy. I am beginning to realize now, why it was so easy for me to throw it away. I used to be proud of the fact that I could be detached from money and material things. All my life I have struggled with self worth or I should say the lack of it. It does not surprise me then, that I did not feel worthy of my pay. Letting go of things that I loved and throwing money down the hopper was more of a smoke screen for my low self esteem. Today I am learning that I have worth. I can appreciate the value of my hard earned money now. It seems like it is always the same old storyline that gets me into these messes. My name is joan and I am a recovering gambling addict and alcoholic. Today, I will not drink or gamble. As Duncs always says, today I step forward, not back. To anyone reading my diary, have a wonderful gamble free day. joan

Posted on:
Thu, 30/08/2012 - 10:39

paulds

Joined:
2012-01-13

Joan,

I have just read through your diary and it has blown me away with its wonderful eloquence and illuminating honesty. In less than six weeks you have really started to re-discover yourself and your life.

The impact that your diary has had on others is clear to see and yet that is something you have not set out to do, you have managed it through your ability to touch on feelings that other CGs have. It is clearly a personal journey, all part of recovery.

Although it is a raw subject, what you write about self-worth is completely true, and even after long periods of recovery we can still often be found scraping our levels of self-esteem from the floor.

What you have outlined so vividly are the little changes day by day and this struck a chord with me, the first feeling you have when you wake up and how you react to everyday occurances with a new smile, you are now re-entering life. The sunflower is slowly opening and turning towards the sun after so long spent with its petals huddling over each other.

Stay safe and strong

Paulds

Posted on:
Thu, 30/08/2012 - 17:13

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

...sending a blast of sun on your petals Joan...kinda look golden from here...

R and D xx

futures so bright....you gotta wear shades xxxxx

Posted on:
Thu, 30/08/2012 - 20:13

Charlottex

Joined:
2011-12-10

Hi Joan, thank u 4 ur post on my diary. It means alot :)

U r doing gr8. U should be sooo proud of urself :)

Stay strong and keep going x

Posted on:
Fri, 31/08/2012 - 10:16

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Thanks ((((((Paul, Rach, and Charlotte)))) group hug. :D

G'morning Diary, Day 39

Will be heading out to the coast in an hour or two. Today, I just want to stand barefoot on the beach in front of the ocean and gaze out at the horizon. I want to feel some sunshine on my face. I want to be standing next to the person who means the most to me in this world and share a knowing smile. It is not going to cost me a thing. It may be corny but, it is true that the very best things in life are free. To anyone reading my diary have a wonderful day, do something fun with someone you love. Just for today, make the choice to not gamble. joan

Posted on:
Fri, 31/08/2012 - 10:44

CD15

Joined:
2012-05-02

Hi Joan, thank you so much for your post on my diary, my pocket rocket is truly my star. That little boy has been such a blessing since the day he was born.
I love the sound of standing on a beach, looking at the horizon and just thinking of absolutely nothing.... sounds like heaven :)

You yourself have come so far on this journey, and your words are so inspirational, I know that I take a lot from your posts. Thanks for all you do my friend.

Have a wonderful day, remember the factor 50 !!

All the best

Cameron

Posted on:
Fri, 31/08/2012 - 16:55

WOMBLE

Joined:
2012-06-17

Hi Joan,

How bloody right...The best things in life are free!
What an inspiration you are!

So So Proud of you!

Sue x

Posted on:
Fri, 31/08/2012 - 19:43

Charlottex

Joined:
2011-12-10

Hi Joan,

Ur last post was soooo nice 2 read, it really is the small things in life that mean the most, they r soooo much more rewarding than gambling!

U r doing brilliant, u should be sooo proud of urself :)

Have a gr8 wknd xx

Posted on:
Fri, 31/08/2012 - 21:37

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

hiya Joan..

Can't wait for those doggy pics....thank you for your support and kind words....the tide is turning....talking of which i'm guessing your already at the coast soaking up the rays.

Sorry to hear your struggling with parathyroid problems and no doubt sleep disturbances are part of the picture...hopefully your getting a good treatment package..but its like anything....a work in progress ..self care and maintenance..i think we are getting a bit better at this ...lol

have a great weekend Joan...

Sea,Sun,Sand and .........shells lol...R and D xxx.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2012 - 12:59

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Thanks Cameron, Sue, Charlotte, and Rach!!

G'morning Diary, Day 40

I had a lovely day at the beach yesterday. It was a long car ride there and back but, it was worth it. The ocean of course was beautiful and there was a strong breeze blowing off of it so, in spite of the heat it felt cool and refreshing. We got back home some time in the late afternoon early evening and I found myself sitting in front of the television just sort of numbing out. It was then that I started to feel some strong urges. I could hear my own inner voice saying "we could maybe just for fun go to...I promise to only spend..." This went on for quite some time. I wasn't surprised, just disappointed. Today, looking back, I am reminded about something that I read once -- about how addicts heal from the outside in and that change -- real change will be a life long process. I'm thinking that I have done a great job so far putting up blocks, and staying away but, maybe, I am getting a little complacent in other areas. I've got to stay on top of the ol' inventory. So, I am trying to sort out how a day of complete bliss, or relaxation could open me up to such vulnerability? I think it comes down to the old storyline about unworthiness. Somehow, on some level I must believe that I do not deserve to be happy. Maybe I am just more accustomed to chaos and disaster and I dont trust a calm feeling when it comes along. I am a little more than a half century old and I still remember my father refering to me as "an 11 year old zero". There was always some undercurrent of discourse between my parents. There is a lot more of this kind of 'stuff' that bubbles up to the surface every now and again. The man, my father, could go off like a bomb at times and we never knew when. It was like playing in a mine field at times. I think I might have a better understanding now, how relaxing at the beach might have brought this ugliness back up. I'm ok. I did not succumb to the urges. I just need to pace myself. To anyone reading my diary have a good day today. Just for today say no to gambling.
-joan

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2012 - 15:14

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Judy.
That beach sounds a picture!!
Well done you for dealing with those urges to start the path of destruction off on its way.
You are soo right this is a livetime thing, enjoy it I know gamble free I do every minute of it.
A question to ask yourself when those urges come.
Gambling What have you ever done for me???
Misery?financial ruin,liying? to name but a few.
Enjoy the weekend.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2012 - 21:47

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

hi Joan..

funny how all the busyness of our lives can not leaves any space to feel stuff sometimes...I also find relaxing brings stuff up to the surface...but its all good as another layer of the onion of awareness is peeled back..

The coast and sea air is healing...

Walking alongside here Joan....always reading even though I may not always write..the diaries can act as great therapy and a place to put your thoughts ..

I can also feel strange when things are calm...I feel familiar round chaos but not better...its a permanent state of stress...I suppose I don't trust it when its calm and am always braced for disaster somehow and hyper vigilant in survival mode.

I guess addictions of any kind are a way to handle the stress but a good walk on the beach with loved ones wins all ways round..

sending hugs and always forward Joan...

footprints in the sand ..

R and D xx

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2012 - 12:06

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Thanks, ((((((Rach))))))

G'morning Diary, Day 41

I ran into some potholes and hairpin turns along the road this weekend but, I don't expect the ride to always be a smooth one. I am learning how to live my life without gambling now, and that is why we say "one day at a time". I am beginning to see things and myself with a little more clarity now. I believe I am getting a better sense of what and where the triggers are and where they come from. I am also beginning to sort out some of the underlying pain and goo and the accompanying guilt and shame that tends to go hand and hand with my self destructive behaviours. Instead of standing in a corner beating my head with a ball bat, or hurling myself out of a window, I do certain things in excess to numb myself out. The problem is that I wake up and in this case maybe 10 years later and have to deal with the aftermath of the self destruction; it kind of looks like a scene out of a Mad Max movie. What the hell happened here?? For me this is not a sad, self indulging, pity me kind of a post. On the contrary... A searching moral inventory for me sometimes means having to go back to places that I do not always want to go back to. Open up old boxes underneath dusty old tarps to decide what needs to be held onto, and what needs to be chucked out. It's funny, because we are actually in the process of cleaning out our house from top to bottom. We are making it ready to receive my mom who will be arriving on Tuesday. She will be occupying the room upstairs. Over the years it had gotten very cluttered and quite dusty. The paint on the ceiling had started to *** and peel in places. It has been a real job scraping off the old paint because you cannot just paint over old cracked and peeling paint -- just won't stick... I ran across an old ragged stuffed toy that once belonged to a very special friend of mine. She is no longer with us. Holding it made me cry. I always want to remember her so I decided that I would store that in the "keeper" pile. Some memories albeit painful, will in time become happy ones. Anyway, it is all funny to me because we are "cleaning house" and this for me is a metaphor for my recovery thus far. So, today, I am calm. The sun is just coming up and I am looking forward to more house keeping. There will be breaks in between. There will be some laughter and some tears. It's all good. The goal is to create a new crisp clean space. I am sober and gamble free one more day. To anyone reading my diary -- have yourself a great day and stay strong. -joan

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2012 - 16:00

Shiny

Joined:
2011-05-29

Good afternoon ,

Well it is here :-)

When I was in the throws of my addiction , I was the queen of putting things off . My rug , a very very large one at that , was impossible to walk on as I had swept sooooooo much under it . Feel proud today that you have lift that rug so to speak, and begun to address what lies beneath .
You are so right in what you say , recovery is not just about not gambling , but changing ourselves , addressing some uncomfortable issues , this i believe helps to eventually smooth out the road a head .

One very wise soul on here , who has been in recovery for a very long time , talks a lot about us carrying a metaphoric ruck sack full of cr** , not always ours i must say , and how we carry that around day after day , the weight of it somethimes bring us to our knees .
That I suppose is a bit different than sweeping thigs under the rug cause then I was just pretending these things did not exist.

What a long post this is turning out to be , well if you sending a letter to America might as well make it worth the postage lol

You have a fantastic attitude , and some insight on how to attack this recovery malarkey , your acceptance with out it getting you down is insprational.

Keep going Hun , work it , cause I know you know that it will all be worth it in the end .

Hugs

Shiny xxxxxxxxxx

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2012 - 21:20

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

Hey Joan...

I think your doing great and you have a high level of self awareness ..probably more than you think...

housecleaning and de cluttering your life and going back to simpler times...HALT as they say..Hungry Angry Lonely Tired...all make us less immune to coping with our lives and lower our defences...

Right now I am travelling light and despite the process being unsettling...I moved "house"today in one car and it took an hour...

To use your house metaphor...you are laying your foundations and making sure they are solid...,much work you will have done in AA...the decorating up will now find its own way and stick for years and years.....as your main structures are going in Joan...

Wondering if you have ever read the book "The Velveteen Rabbit"...a children's book but very relevant to adults who want to keep hold of memories through fur loved off toys.

Keep posting and feeling ....

hugs

R and D xxx

Posted on:
Mon, 03/09/2012 - 12:54

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Thanks Shiny and Rach!

G'morning Diary, Day 42

I believe I have managed to stay gamble free for 6 weeks. That is the longest I/we have ever gone. This weekend was a rough one. I grappled with urges again, last night. We had just finished dinner and again, I found myself in front of the TV after a full day of work around the house. My muscles were aching and I really just needed a hot shower and some down time. Like so many people these days, after the bills are paid we have a limited amount of cash left over. I want to take my partner to the "Big E" this month for her birthday and there are still many things we need done around here. Our cash flow is low, so,we have to prioritize what to spend our money on. Not having credit has really been a blessing in disguise b/c we are learning to embrace the real value of money again. We have a renewed appreciation for what we have, and are finding that we do not waste nearly as much. I read in other diaries that oftentimes gambling addicts will withhold money for needful things, yet pour thousands into you -know -whats without giving it a second's thought. I can relate to that big time. So, I was sitting there...building a mystery, having all kinds of bad thoughts.. when it occurred to me. We really need a desk chair. We had been using an old lawn chair that served the purpose but, really did not belong in the house. I'm not big on appearances but, my mom is coming, and this place does not need to look like a frat house. We are grown women afterall. So, we went out to Staples, and scored a 110 dollar desk chair on sale for 60 bucks. when I woke up this morning I felt like a kid on Christmas morning. There in front of my computer was this spanking new chair! I am writing dear diary to you, sitting in a proper desk chair! To anyone reading my diary-- Hang on! Do not succumb to the urges. They will pass. Life without gambling is beautiful. -joan

Posted on:
Mon, 03/09/2012 - 16:53

CD15

Joined:
2012-05-02

Hi Joan, what a wonderful last 2 post from you my friend, your diary is like a novel except its real life - your life in all its glory, the good, the bad, and the downright ugly, and may I just say it is a beautiful read.
I admire your words, your honesty, and the whole persona that comes from your diary, you truly are a master of all you do and say.
So so true that we gamblers scrimp on the important things, yet can chuck the bucks in the slots like theres not another minute to lose, and when we walk away and face the cold light of day, thats when the 'reality' of it all hits home. The gut wrenching begins, the self hatred, the 'why's'. and the list goes on and on.
I often ask myself how someone like ME could let something like THAT change me, how did I reach this point ? I guess I will never know the truth of that question, all I know is that it did, and I now have to try and reverse the mindset of the gambler in me.
Your words are truly inspirational, and I can relate to so much you say, keep posting my friend, its working !!
Im 'old school' myself, so I return the compliment of the pat on the back - right back at ya !!

Have a great day, and thank you

Cameron

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