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A warning to all of you - My Story & Diary

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#1 Posted on:
Mon, 01/01/2018 - 19:21

Scotto85g

Joined:
2018-01-01

Here goes...

 

I have been a lurker for sometime here and finally feel I can share what gambling has done to me personally. I know many of you will already know and have had similar stories to this but I called it a warning simply because of how even after a long time of being gambling free and thrilling you have it all under control, it can come to destroy everything again.

 

I started off in an incredible situation, I was 29. I had my own home mortgage free and was on track to maybe never having to work again for money by the time I was 35. I would have over 300k in Investments at that point. My expenses were low and Investing over £1k a month. I decided to do matched betting which I won’t go into for obvious reasons, but this is another reason why I name this thread as a warning. I wanted to earn a little more basically...and I did. I got over £4000 extra. I only discuss this to setup the height of the fall and how I have been hit by this and in no way to brag (oh.. how much the opposite my intentions are).

 

I lost parts of my winnings and recovered them a few times however I was about £1000 down in winnings but still £3000 up. I put blocks in places etc and much time passed without my gambling. I had the occasional urge to make back that £1000 but never really acted on it apart from getting close a couple of times over 6 months in time maybe. I knew if I risked say £5000 to make it back, I would go into real losses. And god knows what I would do to get that back as if I am tempted to gamble to make back 1k when I am up 3k, what would I do if I went into my own money...well.. you can guess what happened can’t you.

 

After around 9 months of no gambling, I did place a bet to win back that £1000. I lost... for the first time I was into my own money now in losses.. I was terrified and felt so sick. In restrospect, what I would give to be back at that situation. The problem is - I even said that to myself at the time to try and convince myself to stop then and there. It wasn’t enough however. I went on to bet 10k, 25k, 50k, 100k...all in all I lost £231,548 in 1 Month. I sit here shaking my head feeling pathetic in having allowed such a thing to happen. I had the money available...and I used it.

 

It’s taken me over 30 minutes to get to this next paragraph from the last line. I was in tears after writing that last paragraph, just complete disbelief at what I have done. It makes me realise and understand why people can take their own lives just to get away from the suffering their interior world is causing them. I have felt that strongly myself.

 

I wish I could say the story ended there but it didn’t. I sold my house to pay back some debts of around £25k and to try and get back on even ground as I had a good stable job. The money I got back from this went back into paying back the debt but also eventually into chasing losses and I was now in the situation of having no money but no debt, paying rent from having a mortgage free home. Working till god knows when possibly never having to work again at 35. 

 

I am in the same position as most ordinary people today, I have my health, I have a stable job. I can afford my bills. I am not in debt (currently)... I have now been GF since November 30th last year. I feel like I am living in a surreal world where everything I thought I had has collapsed, like it was a dream I have woken up from. I am seeing a counsellor and I have handed over finances to my partner who is still standing by me. This I feel immensely grateful for... writing all of this still however makes me feel numb and almost lifeless. I feel like I had to get this out my system and I wanted to share my story. I will try to update this diary frequently as with what I have done in the past, I am ever so scared of what I might do next - terrified in fact.

 

All this stemmed in part from chasing a £7 loss I used to think but of course that’s not true is it. All of this has stemmed from the inability to lose £7 and then the inability to lose £50 and on and on. It wasn’t even my own true money, it was profit. I saw coming what might happen, I said time and time again - if you can’t stand to lose some profit, how will you feel losing your own money and when you have a lot of money at hand, what devastation could you bring to your life. Well, here I am having done exactly that.

 

I feel so much better getting that out my system. I deserve criticism and hostility for what I have done so I won’t be surprised if I get some. It’s totally warranted.

 

I wish everyone well for 2018. I hope we can all stay GF as long as possible.

 

Regards,

Scott

Posted on:
Mon, 01/01/2018 - 19:46

Saffie

Joined:
2017-07-04

Scott

Thank you for sharing your story. 

That must have taken some courage. I wish you all the best for 2018, you have been successful before, you still are! You can build back that secure life, it just takes hard work and to never forget 

Saffie x

Posted on:
Mon, 01/01/2018 - 21:37

Sha999

Joined:
2017-08-29

Wow! everyone who is really serious about giving up gambling should read your story Scott. Good on you for being honest and coming on here.

Shaun

Posted on:
Mon, 01/01/2018 - 21:53

RSmith39

Joined:
2017-12-24

 

Hi Scott,

Just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing your story. I’ve had a similar situation ... huge losses - at one point I got it all back apart from £45, but didn’t want to finish a loser! All I can say is we can beat ourselves up for years to come, or try and get it back through hard work and never gambling again. You’ve obviously had the ability to earn a lot of money before, so I’m sure if you can manage to forget about the past you can do so again. We’ve both made huge losses, but if you read some of the diaries we need to count ourselves lucky ... we have no debt, a partner, a job ... try and hang onto that, and I certainly don’t think anyone should give you criticism and hostility ... we all understand where you have been and where you are ... only difference is the amount of capital you had available. All the best for 2018 and thanks again for sharing. Richard

Posted on:
Mon, 01/01/2018 - 22:28

Mixer

Joined:
2016-12-03

Hi Scott,

May I echo those who have already written, thanking you for sharing your experiences. I hope that, in some way, it feels cathartic doing so. My goodness the empathy you'll get here is total; we have all been here to some degree and I can share with you that I've lost a similar amount over the years and could easily have retired by now. 

In my eyes, it's all about how we rationalise our experiences and how we approach moving on. It seems almost too obvious and basic but this point is true - having our health is fundamental. Then, having our loved ones and friends - our non-judgemental support network. Fundamentals - a place to live, warm and fed. A job; one with prospects an extra cherry on the cake. Our attitude, respect and natural humility that guides our relationships, personal and professional. (Sometimes, gamblers lack a natural humility, which is a strength in life, not a weakness). A resetting of our targets and ambitions; challenging ourselves in a different way, still absolutely looking forward to the future as part of that reset. 

We are the sum of our experiences and learn from them and one thing I've certainly recognised is that being a compulsive gambler in the past means, for me at least, it's always "in the blood". Hence why solid restrictions, for example a permanent handover of finances is one that I've personally adopted, are not only responsible but liberating. And certainly not emasculating. Continuing to understand ourselves and how compulsive gambling affects us is a must, and will help us keep this corrosive condition at bay, every day, one day at a time.

You can build again, with solid foundations and with enlightenment, actually. Appreciating what really matters in life. What has happened, has happened. We can look back, yes, but no point staring.

Like fellow posters to your thread, may I also wish you all the very best Scott and thank you so much for posting. 

Posted on:
Mon, 01/01/2018 - 22:50

Frozen

Joined:
2010-11-22

Thanks Scott for sharing. Hope all goes well with your recovery

Posted on:
Mon, 01/01/2018 - 22:52

Muststop123

Joined:
2017-10-03

Hi Scott

You don't deserve any criticism or hostility from anyone. You have been a victim (not sure if I really like that word but I am sure you get the gist) of an addiction.

The financial size of your loss is obviously significant but imho given that none of us have found a way to change the past I don't think it makes any difference to your decisions going forward.

Once you can get your head around the fact the money is gone you can start to rebuild your life and plans for the future based on your new starting point. You are reasonably young, debt free, in a decent job with a partner who is sticking with you - could be a lot worse!

Dealing with your gambling problem is your first priority though. First you have to decide if you really want to stop - if you don't or you are harbouring secret ideas of being able to win you money back then you are probably looking at a very unhappy future once you start borrowing to gamble. Please make the decision never to gamble again, stick with the counselling and put as many blocks in place as you can to deal with any unwanted urges to gamble. 

Good luck and keep posting. You are not alone, we are all in this battle together and try and support each other as much as we can.

Posted on:
Mon, 01/01/2018 - 22:59

SEL87

Joined:
2017-10-18

That is a shocking amount of money to lose mate,but we're all in the same boat here we gamble what we have and we lose what we can't afford to lose,it gets out of hand once you start chasing there's no stopping it,I went from winning 7500 (which is a lot of money to me)in september 2016 to losing it all and having to take a loan out for 5k in January 2017,because I had preliminary booked s holiday to Disneyland Florida for me and my family in may 2017,we went and had an amazing time but it meant I was in debt to the bank and still am now for the next 4 years when before I won the 7500 I had absolutely no debt and living quite comfortably without a gambling problem,it's the wins that get you and the losses that haunt you forever,anyways sorry for rambling but what I'm trying to say is no matter how big or small the sum of money we win or lose we all have the same problem and that is the addiction to having a bet,what's help me stop is these forums and the motto I've drilled into myself is that money isn't everything and that if I place another bet again I risk losing my family,it's helped me get to 72 gamble-free,best wishes for 2018 Scott,you don't deserve to be criticised were all here for the same reason,the support of each other because were the only ones who know how horrible it feels to be caught in the relentless circle of chasing your losses.

Posted on:
Mon, 01/01/2018 - 23:26

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Welcome to the forum & congratulations on your gamble free time Scott!  

 

As a few posts have said, amounts are really rather irrelevant when it come to our addiction & rather than punishing yourself for where you were (as is the nature of addiction) look @ it as a strength that you recognised you needed help & reached out for it.  As you get further along with your counselling, you will recognise that this is not a financial problem & as you say, the money that you thought you were chasing had very little to do with your actions.

 

You may hate yourself for what you have done but people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones & the majority of people on this site are here because we have gambled with our lives.  

 

I don’t know what type of counselling you are having or whether your partner has any support but I would recommend GA for you & GamAnon for her in any case.  All the time you have had the funds to gamble you’ve been running from something, now that you have stopped, feelings that have been suppressed until now have been able to surface & are giving you a kicking. 

 

I’m not sure it will help much @ the moment but if you take the help that is out there & give everything you have to your recovery you will be able to forge a life that money cannot buy...The 1st time you meet someone really working the 12 Step program, regardless of their financial situation, you will get what I mean. 

 

Try not to look too far ahead, it’s the todays that count - ODAAT

Posted on:
Tue, 02/01/2018 - 00:16

Scotto85g

Joined:
2018-01-01

I am bowled over by the warmth and compassion from all of your replies so far. You really have bought out the CARE in GamCare. You don’t know how good it feels or maybe you do...to have people understand and just be there for you. It makes me glad I joined and shared my story.

 

Saffie

Thank you. I can build my life back up Yes, I am just trying so hard not to go backward from this point.

 

Sha999

Thanks for posting. I am glad it could be used to in some way help others. That’s part of my aims with this diary.

 

Rsmith39

I can really relate to that feeling of not wanting to be a loser, I broke even before but then I still felt like a loser for wasting so much time gambling and causing so much risk and headaches. I wanted to come out winning in that sense too.. I of course lost big time. Yeah I like to think sometimes to make myself feel better that if people had as much available to spend, I wouldn’t have been the only one to burn through it all but even so, it’s not a competition. We all stand side by side in suffering from this illness. I do appreciate what I have, I can rebuild but it will take so long but that’s fine. I am more worried about making things worse. Thanks Richard.

 

Mixer

Thanks for your lovely post. I am starting to feel the empathy already in full swing. Yes, I fully try as often as possible to focus on what I have and to try and frame what’s happened in a way that will help me moving forward. I am forever learning and trying to improve at doing this.

 

Frozen

Thanks for your support.

 

Muststop123

Yes I know it could be a lot worse. I think the worse that it could be is what keeps me concerned and vigilant. I have lost the life I had worked hard to build, I had lost that imagined future because of this but I still can slowly work to something else, I know people have lost more than just money. Thank your very much for your post.

 

SEL87

Yes it is a shocking amount, the amount of times I have woken up and thought for a moment that it hadn’t happened only to remember that it had. I threw away an amazing position to be in financially, and it hurts tremendously whenever I think about it. Thank you for your kind words.

 

ODATT

Thanks for your post. I am not currently at GA but am open to this. My partner is not attending anything currently, she of course thinks what I have done is incredibly stupid and silly but has been there for me. She doesn’t know the true amount of my losses although she knows it was over 100k. I didn’t have the extra burden of feeling like I had lost her money directly as my home and my own money was mine prior to meeting her but of course it is ours because we are a package deal so I do feel guilty of ruining a better future I could I gave her. Thanks for your kindness

Posted on:
Tue, 02/01/2018 - 07:10

gamparentanon

Joined:
2016-04-22

Scott

Parent of a gambler speaking so not only understand what you have been through but can also understand a little of how your partner must have felt too. So  important that you have shared your story and  you probably do not realise how many people will get help from reading it. I hope it makes people think twice about their future before trying their luck. Gambling seems to hit people in all walks of life and like any addiction it grabs hold of you and it takes a lot of willpower, self discipline and hard work to pull yourself out of it, as you seem to have done. Not to mention the sacrifices along the way for you and anyone close to you.  I am glad you are at peace with yourself now, well done,  and wish you and your partner luck for a "Happy Everafter".

Take care

Posted on:
Tue, 02/01/2018 - 11:41

Sha999

Joined:
2017-08-29

Hi Scott

I don't know how many people you will/can help but you have made a difference to me. I always have my iPhone with me, every time I get the temptation I will read your story.

Great you are on here, it will make you stronger and the people on here will help you whenever you need help, we are not here to judge as we are in a similar situation.

Shaun

Posted on:
Tue, 02/01/2018 - 12:32

Scotto85g

Joined:
2018-01-01

33 Days GF

I think the main realisation from before is that will power is simply not enough for most of us, you need to remove the triggers and also you need to make it as hard as possible to be able to gamble. Without all three (will power, removing triggers, putting obstacles in places) look what can happen...

Gamparentanon

Thank you for your reply. I didn’t expect my post to have such a positive reaction from people.

Sha999

You have no idea how good it feels having shared my story which was a breakthrough in itself and having it potentially help people like you, that’s great.

Posted on:
Tue, 02/01/2018 - 14:03

Saffie

Joined:
2017-07-04

Hi Scott. 

I am a similar time GF to you and I've found a useful tool to log on to this forum just to distract myself. 

My story is similar in a way to yours in that I have lost a large sum of money too. I am also in debt because of gambling which thankfully you don't seem to be. 

All I know is we can do this one day at a time 

Saffie

Posted on:
Wed, 03/01/2018 - 00:22

Scotto85g

Joined:
2018-01-01

Yes, one day at a time. I am trying my best not to think about the losses but it’s hard.. luckily without cards I simply can’t gamble but it burns inside me about what I have done... it’s hard to switch it off .

Posted on:
Wed, 03/01/2018 - 09:12

RSmith39

Joined:
2017-12-24

 

Hi Scott,

Hang in there. I feel the same ... don’t want to gamble really but gutted by the losses, and occasional thoughts of feeling better by winning it back ... luckily I don’t have the access to funds to do that. A couple of things are helping with the grief ... 1) time - I feel a better each day, 2) realising to some of extent I couldnt really help it .... not trying to excuse myself , but we were addicts not thinking straight.

The other thing my partner says is what would I do with the extra money anyway .., either gamble it (which we aren’t doing anymore) or sit it in the bank and feel happy that I could retire a bit sooner ... why wish my life away to retirement.  Cliche but just take it one day at a time ... at the moment getting up and managing to go to work, and going to get not having gambled is an achievement and probably the same for you, so learn to accept the small victories each day. Keep checking in ... I’m just satisfied that the guilt will go away a little bit at a time. Rich

Posted on:
Wed, 03/01/2018 - 18:24

Scotto85g

Joined:
2018-01-01

So... I almost blew it today. An old friend of mine owed me some money from a while ago and finally gave it to me. It was £300 in cash. Now this friend does not know about my gambling problems so wouldn’t have thought twice about giving it me and he was quite pleased to do so as he has finally paid me back.

 

Now, on the way back from his, I walked past a gambling establishment as it were. I stood outside thinking for a while about going in and just betting it as I really wasn’t expecting it and my partner wouldn’t find out really either as she didn’t know someone owed me money. Now I’ve never gambled in a shop before - only ever online. I walked in and just stood frozen in the shop. A member of staff came over to me and asked what machine took my fancy etc. I said I have made a mistake and need to leave to which she replied “it’s only a bit of fun, go for it!”.... I stood there almost ready to shout back “FUN!..FUN!... maybe to many young lady but I’ve f... lost £230,000 + and ruined my future planned life etc...”. Of course, I didn’t say that and I just walked out shaking my head. “Your loss...” she said as I walked out.

 

I got home and handed that £300 to my partner and opened a can of beer and that was it. It really drained me that did, really did.

 

34 Days GF

Posted on:
Wed, 03/01/2018 - 18:33

Saffie

Joined:
2017-07-04

Scott-well done! You are doing this and doing it well. That is one hell of an amount of will power right there. 

Well done and don't forget the feeling of triumph you felt today over the addiction

Posted on:
Wed, 03/01/2018 - 19:02

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Got to hand it to you, that can of beer was well deserved.
I cannot begin to imagine how you feel after the last few months.
Flick that past switch to off and turn on the present. Make it gamble free and your future can only see you going from strength to strength.
All good wishes x

Posted on:
Wed, 03/01/2018 - 21:31

Scotto85g

Joined:
2018-01-01

Thanks Saffie and LML. That means a lot. I do feel proud of that today. I just wish I could shake keep going back to the losses, it’s like I have an unruly elephant as my mind and I cannot control it stampeding all over my just move on mind. Leats it’s another day GF. Hope everyone’s had a good day and stayed GF. Scott

Posted on:
Wed, 03/01/2018 - 23:00

Muststop123

Joined:
2017-10-03

Reading that has just made my evening, if I had not just brushed my teeth ready for bed I would have had a quick drink myself to toast you!

Making the choice not to gamble when it is all there available in front of you with cash in your hand shows you really don't want to gamble. There was nothing stopping you except your own self will. Great stuff. 

Well done on the 34 days.

Posted on:
Thu, 04/01/2018 - 02:13

tara2

Joined:
2013-01-27

Hi Scott and everyone,  Just to have a good job like you do! and to be on the younger side and have a nice partner/wife.  Even if you are not set up for a work free future.  The future is the future and as my mom always said, 'don't think too far ahead or I could be dead by tomorrow'.  Not too cheerful of a perspective. lol.  I always say... 'count your blessings and focus on health and well being... this is true wealth.'  Now my situation around gambling left me with a small savings of around 2 thousand at one point.  Since then I've been able to save a little more, get my bills paid and continue to work on the 'bad bad habit/addiction/compulsion of slot play. Losses are all subjective depending on life style, occupation, family of origin etc.  My $60,ooo savings plus all the extra money I earned over 13 years just went down the drain.  But to tell you the truth, the less than $10 grand that I sit with today and the job which pays my bills and allows for me to save some is like a cup half FULL.  Back in the beginnng when I first began to lose hundreds and thousands... I saw nothing but a cup that was draining.  My entire life savings was draining and the life was draining out of me.  I'm over 50 and now all I can do is be happy to have changed my perspective on what matters.  I'm still challenged by the slot behavior but I'm also recovering little by little ... it's gonna change.  I can not longer live that way.  really.  thanks for creating this post and all the best.  tara2

Posted on:
Thu, 04/01/2018 - 09:16

Sha999

Joined:
2017-08-29

Well done Scott, would have been so easy to give up and 'have just one go'.

Shaun

Posted on:
Thu, 04/01/2018 - 16:06

RSmith39

Joined:
2017-12-24

Hi Scott,

Popping by to say hope first day back at work went well, and managed to keep yourself distracted.  I had to give a rousing "we're going to have a great 2018" presentation to the entire business .... the most forced display of cheeriness ever, but at least another day ticked off, no money wasted, and gamble free days edging up.  Now been told that my youngest has some of her mates around for tea (several 6 year old girls) .... if ever there was a temptation to "work late" and go and hide in a bookies, but I will resist!  Cheers.  Rich

Posted on:
Thu, 04/01/2018 - 21:44

Scotto85g

Joined:
2018-01-01

Thanks sha999 and muststop123. That pint did go down nicely I must say.

Tara2

Thanks for your post. Everything you said has value and truth to it without a doubt, the problem is it’s just very hard to not think about what I’ve lost also. Feel very conflicted....

 

Posted on:
Thu, 04/01/2018 - 21:52

Scotto85g

Joined:
2018-01-01

 

 

Rsmith39

Thanks Richard. It was a very busy productive day for a first day back, was surprised. I feel fairly fortunate as I have been at this job for nearly a year now and this is the first time I have kinda looked forward to going back to work in my career. How many people attended presentation? Hehe about the temptation to gamble if there ever was one. 

Another day GF, another day with intrusive thoughts about my losses, constantly thinking about What Ifs... I know what I should do, think etc but I just don’t fully control my mind, the thoughts appear and sometimes I get lost in them. I want to try to observe them more without running away with them. It’s hard...

Posted on:
Thu, 04/01/2018 - 22:47

Frozen

Joined:
2010-11-22

Well done Scotto a clean day is a good day
 

Posted on:
Sat, 06/01/2018 - 23:35

Scotto85g

Joined:
2018-01-01

Thanks frozen. I’ve had a fairly bad day today mentally. I used will power to stop gambling and succeeded for 9 months. I used blocking myself from sites and using software like Gamban. This worked for a while. It was only very reluctantly handing over my finances to my partner that literally killed my ability to gamble. It was very hard for me to do being completely honest, I was the clever one with finances, I had built a future where I would possibly not need to work in my late 30s. I tracked every penny I spent, I budgeted. I planned, I invested. I had such control and had been doing well for years. Then... look what happened. I lost nearly a quarter of a million gambling. So I had to give my finances over to my partner who by her own admission wasn’t great with money in terms of management or saving etc. I taught her the good stuff I used to do and now she has literally saved me, it’s the best thing I did since all of this. I can’t gamble unless I somehow get a loan or payday loan without her knowledge or steal. It’s the best block there is. 

Im afraid I just can’t shake the loss, it’s emotionslly ripping me apart. I’m sorry for such a negative tone of a post but this is how I feel raw in the moment. A quarter of a million, a quarter of a million... a future... all my hard work...gone. I feel literally sick when I think about this loss. I keep trying to think of how I could get it back. Sometimes I wake up in a morning and for a moment I think it hasn’t happened and it feels great and then... I remember it’s all real And I feel again sick. That’s enough ranting :( for now. Scott

37 DAYS GF

Posted on:
Sun, 07/01/2018 - 05:21

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks for your post Scott, it means a lot that you take time out to support.
I totally understand but it is really upsetting to hear how your losses tear you apart.
I probably don't have the right words and I know you've probably heard similar before but I just want to say whilst you should never forget, no amount of remorse or regret will bring that money back.
Your wife knows, she has stood by you and offered to take over the finances.
She must care for you very much. I think it was your wife who said, even if you have the money sat in the bank. It's not doing anything . . . it's just sat there.
Don't spoil what you could have today with thoughts of yesterday. I'm sure your wife would like an upbeat supportive husband now. You sound very kind and caring. It's time to be kind to yourself, build yourself back up, start living again.
I try to look at it as a chapter in my book of life. It's time to turn the pages and start a new chapter now.
I wish you lots of strength and happiness and hope I have not offended in any way. (I know I can go on a bit!) x

Posted on:
Sun, 07/01/2018 - 10:04

Frozen

Joined:
2010-11-22

Unfortunately Scott the money is no more, you really have to let it go or it will drag you back.  It's very depressing to think about the damage you have done but time will heal alot.  On a personal note I have been where you are and dwelling in losses and the past only brought future misery.  Close this chapter like the above poster advises and start a new one.  I nor you ever asked for this disease but there is much worse things that could happen to us.  Enjoy your gamble free Sunday.

Posted on:
Sun, 07/01/2018 - 15:23

Sha999

Joined:
2017-08-29

Hi Scott

The money is gone, it is not coming back, ditto.

Tough words but unfortunately true, focus and the anguish will get easier, I promise.

Shaun

Posted on:
Sun, 07/01/2018 - 17:03

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thank you for posting on my diary Scott. I appreciate your support.

Accepting the losses are gone forever is a bitter pill to swallow. It has to be done though, and maybe somewhere down the line we will learn to live with our past mistakes....stephen 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 07/01/2018 - 18:20

Scotto85g

Joined:
2018-01-01

 

Thanks Sha999, abstainer, frozen. Without any meanness intended in response at all, you just have to accept the losses and move on is just like saying, you just need to stop gambling. It’s true, I do. If only it were that simple though. If I could tell my mind to stop thinking about it move and give me peace and it did, oh boy that would be incredible. I’m not trying to sound harsh saying that, it’s just I’m speaking my mind and want to be as open as possible on here. I so so appreciate everyone’s comments and they are all well meaning in terms of you just need to move on. I’m just being honest in that I can’t switch off currently the feelings of loss and it’s doing my head in...

LML - Thanks for your post. It means a lot. My partner has been very supporting and I try to always put on a brave face in front of her and hide my anguish, of course she sees right through it a lot of the time hehe. My partner didn’t say it was only money in the bank, that was Richards partner however, she has took a similar view in some ways. It bothers her more how it’s affecting me which tells it all. The new chapter sentiment is something I am trying my upmost to think along those lines yes. Things will improve but right now it’s just a difficult time. Here’s to all of us remaining gambling free. Scott

Thanks so much all again for support and comments, it means so much to me.

 

Posted on:
Sun, 07/01/2018 - 18:34

Scotto85g

Joined:
2018-01-01

I have had a good day today, went out with my dad and family and had a lovely meal. The thoughts of losses was mostly absent from my mind and as no one other than partner knows I had money and hence lost money, no one else reminds me of it in anyway. I am finding caring about others and focusing on helping them is currently a wonderful distraction from the relentless negative thoughts that spawn in my mind. I will say it’s been a good day. 38 Days GF

Posted on:
Sun, 07/01/2018 - 18:36

Frozen

Joined:
2010-11-22

Scotto85g wrote:

 

Thanks Sha999, abstainer, frozen. Without any meanness intended in response at all, you just have to accept the losses and move on is just like saying, you just need to stop gambling. It’s true, I do. If only it were that simple though. If I could tell my mind to stop thinking about it move and give me peace and it did, oh boy that would be incredible. I’m not trying to sound harsh saying that, it’s just I’m speaking my mind and want to be as open as possible on here. I so so appreciate everyone’s comments and they are all well meaning in terms of you just need to move on. I’m just being honest in that I can’t switch off currently the feelings of loss and it’s doing my head in...

LML - Thanks for your post. It means a lot. My partner has been very supporting and I try to always put on a brave face in front of her and hide my anguish, of course she sees right through it a lot of the time hehe. My partner didn’t say it was only money in the bank, that was Richards partner however, she has took a similar view in some ways. It bothers her more how it’s affecting me which tells it all. The new chapter sentiment is something I am trying my upmost to think along those lines yes. Things will improve but right now it’s just a difficult time. Here’s to all of us remaining gambling free. Scott

Thanks so much all again for support and comments, it means so much to me.

 

It's not easy Scotty, time will help but this addiction is cruel alot of us see gambling as the solution to getting our money back, further increasing our losses. 

Posted on:
Sun, 07/01/2018 - 18:47

RSmith39

Joined:
2017-12-24

l

Hi Scott,

Read your last couple of posts, and I think we’re still on the same page ... i’d love to forget about the losses but can’t. Having said that, when I look at my diary from two weeks ago, i’m in a much better place.  I actually found yesterday very hard ... stupid but I lost all the money between 8pm and 9pm on a Saturday, so I sat there yesterday thinking through exactly what happened ... getting back to within £45 and playing a £50 hand so I could win!! Etc etc ...I think about it all a lot still, but not every minute like I was doing a week ago .. sounds like you managed to forget about it for a bit today, so hopefully it will get gradually easier. I’m also starting to sleep a little better.  All we can really do is take it a day at a time, don’t bet again, and hope the regret fades. Probably good that we will always carry a bit of the pain ... surely that will help us not to do it again? Anyway, stay strong and another week gamble free for us both. Cheers. Rich

 

Posted on:
Sun, 07/01/2018 - 18:49

Mixer

Joined:
2016-12-03

Hi Scott85g

Like so many of us, I've been following your thread with a keen eye and I sense it's because, even after a year of showing tremendous fortitude without gambling, you are still looking for some kind of closure, some way of moving on. You're trying hard to, but feel you still need that extra 'push'.

It's worth referring to the well-known 'five stages of grief' here. They are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Although most commonly used for how we deal with death, it has resonance and relevance to dealing with coming off an addiction such as gambling. 

I feel, Scott, you're not at 'acceptance' in dealing with your losses yet. So, where are you on the scale?

  • Denial - You know what's happened; there's no denial
  • Anger- I sense there's still residual anger here, although heavily subsided after one year.
  • Bargaining - A complex part of the process, this, but in gambling terms could perhaps be construed where people suffering losses wonder if they can win it back, or somehow recoup the losses in other ways. I would say that you're still young, Scott, have skills and a good future with prospects; this is what you've told us and this is very important and valuable.
  • Depression - I sense you might be depressed about how you see your situation, and this lingering 'gloom' is preventing you from reaching ...
  • Acceptance. Where, at least, you can move on and reignite your life with a great future ahead. What was, was. What will be, will be! But, under a cloud, you and loved ones mught struggle to move on in a way that's best.

 

What I think is of great help to you is your diary here, and the more you post, the more feedback you are getting. The advice you are receiving is very sound and very consistent, from, as you know, those who have 'been there, done that' and are, or at least trying to, 'come out the other side' and live a better, happier, gambling-free life. 

I would say to you: keep posting, keep reading, keep on the good path but seriously consider counselling from Gamcare. It's free, and the counsellors are specially trained to deal with compulsive gamblers like us. You won't get much 'there, there...' but you WILL get empathy and a genuine desire to help you help yourself, with their guidance, to rationalise the situation, clear those dark clouds, and move on.

Just a thought Scott. Wishing you well as always,

Mixer

 

Posted on:
Sun, 07/01/2018 - 23:02

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hi Scott, sorry I got a little mixed up with Richards partner but I'm pleased to hear your partner took a similar view.
Lovely to read you've had a good day.
Caring about and focusing on others sounds a fab way to occupy your mind. I hope your positivity grows with each passing day.
All good wishes x

Posted on:
Mon, 08/01/2018 - 10:57

Sha999

Joined:
2017-08-29

Hi Scott, yes doing fine, hope all is well.

I am going to start a new thread, it will make us all think twice before gambling again, I promise!

Shaun

Posted on:
Wed, 10/01/2018 - 19:30

Scotto85g

Joined:
2018-01-01

 

 

RSmith39

Yeh very similar situation to yourself Richard. It was nice to completely not have those thoughts for a while.

Mixer

Hi Mixer, thanks for your long post. I really appreciated reading that. I think the important thing with those stages of grief is that sometimes you go between them in different orders and backward within the same hour or day and that it’s not linear like some seem to incorrectly assume. Thanks so much for your kind words, posting here has indeed helped greatly and having people follow my story like you has helped even more.

LML

No problem at all, easily done. Yes being there for others on their journey is certainly helping me.

Posted on:
Wed, 10/01/2018 - 19:38

darkhorse2016

Joined:
2016-06-11

Scott, thank you for sharing your story, I can relate.

I am 32, live at home, in debt -4.6k, payday loans, credit cards and overdraft with no savings from chasing my losses gambling. I recently got a high paid role, and thought to myself that I could gamble in a controlled way, all that ended up happening was that my stakes went higher.

Gambling is destructive and evil, it will fleece you off your wealth and livelihood without realising it. Quitting is the only way forward. Don't look back.

Posted on:
Wed, 10/01/2018 - 19:55

Scotto85g

Joined:
2018-01-01

Just an update on my week so far. I have been suffering from a really bad cold or mild flu which has meant I couldn’t go into work today as my eyes are constantly streaming which makes it impossible to use a computer, I can’t even use my phone or tablet without my eyes watering, it’s difficult typing this even..man flu if there ever was such a thing hehe. I will see how I am tomorrow before I think about going back in. It’s interesting as since moving Job last year, I didn’t want the time off, I really wanted to go in but literally couldn’t so that’s something to hugely appreciate having a job you enjoy going to. I had such an awful job previously that I really appreciate all the good in this one, earnt it after 6 years of the last place though...the grass CAN be greener :).

As for gambling, no thoughts of winning back losses and amazingly whilst I’ve been ill with this, not too many negative thoughts about losses either, it’s distracting me that’s for sure. I have instead been listening to some audio books and over eating...

Hope everyone’s doing ok, 41 Days GF

Posted on:
Wed, 10/01/2018 - 21:05

RSmith39

Joined:
2017-12-24

Hi Scott,

Sorry to hear you have been under the weather but that will hopefully soon pass.  Much more importantly, glad that you're enjoying the job, not having gambling urges, and best of all not beating yourself up too much about the losses.  As time passes, I'm cutting myself some slack too ... whilst not wanting to make an excuse, clearly I wasn't mentally in a good place and it's almost like I was a different person .. as long as I put blocks in place now I'm reasonably sane in case I get into that mental state again, I think I can learn to forgive myself ... you should definitely do the same.  Rich

 

Posted on:
Thu, 11/01/2018 - 00:32

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hi Scott. I posted a message to you on Richard's diary by mistake...stephen 

Posted on:
Sat, 13/01/2018 - 22:13

Scotto85g

Joined:
2018-01-01

 

Thanks rich, i know you are right Yes. Thanks also Stephen for your post.

I feel much better now in terms of my man flu, it has mostly gone now. Work was ok Friday, had a good day really it felt good to be back. I am having a bit of a reflective night tonight, I am sat here thinking about what went wrong, how the now come to be, mistakes I made etc. Not necessarily in anger but just in review. I am starting to get that surreal feeling again. What hurts me the most I think is that I imagined doing precisely this and posting here before I had any real losses. I imagined the feelings I now have about the losses and I still couldn’t stop it from happening. It makes me feel even more stupid, more silly... oh well. It upsets me but it is what it is.

Posted on:
Sun, 14/01/2018 - 08:22

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hi Scotto, thanks for your message and support.
I understand your feelings above. I also, after reading this site was aware of what the future could bring but still continued regardless. Scary, but we have to look at the positives. We're here now, trying to ensure every day from now on is going to be gamble free. If we keep it up, then things can only get better. x

Posted on:
Sun, 14/01/2018 - 09:12

RSmith39

Joined:
2017-12-24

Hi Scott,

Hope you’re doing ok mate.  I know what you mean about reviewing things. I also came on here loads while still gambling to get the courage to stop. Reading the diaries though a lot say you need to hit rock bottom, and it’s true. You can come on here thinking you might have a problem, but aren’t actually going to stop until you 100% know you have one. Also realistically people won’t stop while they are winning ... for some reason they think they can beat the system, it won’t happen to them etc. I know that was me ... the only thing that was going to stop was a big loss ... the size of that loss was also going to be dependent on how much available funds I had at the time ... if I could have bet (and no doubt lost) £1 million that night, I would have done. So, yes, silly behaviour, but everyone here will have done something similar ...silly behaviour, but you, me and most people on here aren’t silly, we’re compulsive gamblers, so couldn’t stop at the time. All we can do is protect ourselves from it happening again, as there’s every chance we’ll get in that mindset again. One thing I have realised in the last few weeks is how little I need to spend without gambling. To earn the money you have in the past, you clearly have a good job, and can have a great standard of living without the gambling .. not gambling is like a big pay rise! Rich

 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 14/01/2018 - 11:42

Chris30z

Joined:
2017-10-15

Just hang in there. One day at a time.

Posted on:
Sun, 14/01/2018 - 11:47

Scotto85g

Joined:
2018-01-01

Hi LML, one day at a time for sure. Things can and will get better. I am sure for us both. You are still doing brilliant. Thanks Richard, you are indeed right. I feel pretty good today. Another day GF. My job previously was higher paid, I moved Job to do something I’ve always wanted to do and took a pay cut in the process but I’m happier. I am however building back up my Investments slowly... i have prob put myself back about 20 years but still. It is what it is :). Onwards and upwards. As always, thanks very much for posting. Scott

Posted on:
Wed, 17/01/2018 - 08:20

RSmith39

Joined:
2017-12-24

 

H Scott,

Just checking in to make sure you’re doing ok this week.  I’m ploughing on ... still generally a bit depressed and regretful ... bit of extra cash would cheer me up, but I know gambling isn’t the answer, and haven’t been tempted. Just taking it a day at a time and happy to get through each day. Glad you enjoy the job ... think that’s part of my problem so definitely going to look for something else once i’m Out of this slump. Rich

Posted on:
Wed, 17/01/2018 - 09:36

Sha999

Joined:
2017-08-29

Hi Scott

One day at a time and gambling will only make your problems 10 fold.

Shaun

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