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Posted on:
Sat, 31/03/2018 - 07:40

Bamb84

Joined:
2018-02-13

Hi lml thank you for you kind message and yes i am back to being me again yay its sad what this gambling robs us of its not just money its our time which should be with loved ones im so much happier . Im not going to get complacent though i still have the urges now and again . We can all beat this hope you are doing well on your journey stay strong Bambi x

Posted on:
Sat, 31/03/2018 - 22:08

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

I'm feeling totally and utterly crappie at the moment.
Just spent last 20 minutes looking at sim only phone contracts.
I'm thinking I can't gamble on my phone so I'll have to get another.
I just want to ******* gamble - there's nothing else for it.
I'm so fed up of knowing that I shouldn't, knowing that I can't and knowing that I'm such an idiot for still wanting to.
It's always on my mind when I have a spare minute. I'm just sick through and through.
I don't need responses. I just need a new brain. This one has completely had it.
I can never see myself be free from this because unlike a lot of people I just don't seem to want to stop enough. Yes I want to stop losing but my addicted brain just doesn't get it. I know that to stop gambling is to stop losing. At this moment, I don't seem to care. I just want to play the game.
Ridiculous really, I seem to have excluded from every site going so I probably wouldn't find one anyway. Only sites left would probably only be the dodgy ones.
Sick, sick, sick. So upsetting, depressing and wrecks havoc with my mental health. It makes me wonder what kind of person am I? Flipping pathetic, that's what. Weak, stupid, idiotic and totally selfish. Would my family be upset if they knew I was talking like this? Of course they would. Would that stop me? Of course it wouldn't. Case closed. Not only a loser but also one who obviously doesn't care about upsetting her family.
Rants over, but it feels like this addiction will never be.
When I first took them up on free money spins I didn't realise I was signing my life as I knew it away and replacing it with a life of heartbreak and misery.
Something has to change. I can only hope for miracles and that I'll come out of this a better person, till then I must keep going and not give in. Easier said than done but I suppose writing it down, getting it out of my system, can only help. x

Posted on:
Sun, 01/04/2018 - 04:46

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Hi LML, I read your last post. It reminds me how I cleaned up my saving of two years in the last relapse afters resisting the urges for a few months and giving in to the urges finally. It still haunts me. I feel like crying everytime I think about it. I give you my best wishes, LML.

Posted on:
Sun, 01/04/2018 - 11:24

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Thinking of you Lml, I have always related to your thread but seriously you are no loser! . Gambling is such a powerful addiction it wrecks everything but you have stayed GF despite powerful urges. Please work on being kinder yo yourself even if you think you don't deserve it. I read else we that gambling is a form of mental self harm so true :( . It'S good to write things down and things can change, take care Sx

Posted on:
Mon, 02/04/2018 - 09:01

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

This flipping addiction, gets me so angry. So many good, caring people been made to question themselves, who they are, what they've become, why they've become it and finally how can they get out and away from this pit of vicious snakes.
It messes with our heads, it messes with our hearts, the only person we blame is ourselves. We've got to stand up to it. Goodness knows, reading my last posts proves how relentless it can be to some of us but for my own survival I have to have the blocks in place. When I wake up in the morning and my 'normal' head is firmly fixed back on I'm so relieved that I couldn't spend a penny of my hard earned wages the night before. The small amount I have left is still sat there in my bank account and the account reads a positive and not a negative balance!!
After years of living in a £1500 overdraft this feels great.
Yes, I've got big debts but they're in hand. They're not getting bigger and I can put them to the back of my head. I have to for my own sanity.
Anyway, for all of you out there who's beating yourselves up. Don't let this addiction make you doubt yourselves. We have to be like the great phoenix - rise up from the ashes. Regain control of our own lives and learn to accept ourselves and feel happy and content again with who we are and where we're going.
We CAN do this. Don't allow addiction to tell you otherwise.
All good wishes xx

Posted on:
Tue, 03/04/2018 - 20:09

Pink 2018

Joined:
2018-03-28

 T hank you little miss for your message very much appreciated , today has been very draining but have sorted a few things , will do rest tommorow, think I will have a bubble bath and chill out now  ,day 6 nearly over , hope you have had a calm peaceful day . Pink

Posted on:
Wed, 04/04/2018 - 12:17

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Well, here I am living this ridiculous life of mine. One minute up, next minute down. Massive changes in my personal life - struggles galore, more reasons to feel sad. I just want to curl up and lock myself away. Amazingly I don't even want to gamble, it all feels pointless at the moment then my daughter rings and asks me if I want to go out with her and my grandson. She knows nothing about my personal problems every part of me wants to scream no because I want to sit and mope but my mouth says yes. So out I'll be going. Slap the brave face on again because I don't feel up to talking about my problems and so life as I know it resumes.
They live with me anyway so I suppose I can't wallow in private even though I'd like to!
These things are sent to try us and I suppose the saying one day at a time comes back to mind.
It's brought back feelings of having to put a brave face on after I'd lost money gambling. I'm grateful that I haven't had to do that for 6 months.
Does anyone out there have a wonderful life??
We can but live in hope.
Sorry for my doom and gloom posts lately. Uphill struggle is the name of my diary. I can't wait to get to the top of that hill so I can freewheel down with my skirt and hair blowing in the wind screaming 'wheeee' all the way haha!!
Until then I'll keep going. Gamble free can only be the way forward.
All good wishes X

Posted on:
Fri, 06/04/2018 - 00:16

Shantel17

Joined:
2018-04-01

Hi LML I'm not sure if this well help you and its not advice it's just something that helped me. I missed the slots so much I like you i just wanted to spin them reels, listen to the sounds and see the lights. I missed the games I was so used too and the thought of never playing on them again scared me. How ridiculous right? I self exlcuded myself from one of the sites however I played in my favourite slots for fun. Rather than burn through my own money I just burnt through the pretend money. Not only did I get to play on my favourite games again but I was happier playing them because i wasn't losing any money. I would still act and pretend like it was real money and when id lose everything I would Instantly think wow that could have/would have been my money ive just lost. It Actually made me realise how bad and how much of a money grabber they were like id have 20 spins win a few quid on one and lose my stake on 19. Because I was playing for fun so much and acting like it was my own money I still got that buzz when I won and relief when I lost because I didn't make that deposit. it made me realise how much of a con they really are and it made me just want to put my own money on less and less when I was spinning them reels and seeing how much 'pretend money' I was losing. I got my slots fix and went to bed every night breathing a sigh of relief and just thinking how much I would of lost but I had a smile on my face knowing my money was sitting safely in my bank. Every time I had the urge and just wanted to play I did but I played for fun. Again this isn't for everyone but for me this helped because like I said not only did I get my fix when i had an urge to spin them reels, I wasn't losing any money and over time it stopped me wanting to put my own money on just witnessing how much I would have lost had i made that deposit. Good luck x

Posted on:
Fri, 06/04/2018 - 11:36

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thank you Shantel for all of your time, concern and advice. I do appreciate it and if you're anything like me it must have taken a while to write it!
It's good to know I'm not on my own missing the slots like I stupidly do.
Sometimes when I read posts and they say they have no urges or they don't miss it I think 'blimey I must really have it bad' or else I feel equally bad thinking 'it must be my frame of mind and I should not want to gamble as much as I do, so does that mean I'm not fully committed yet??'
Who knows the answer - I know I don't. I'm going to just have to take comfort from the fact that it is now officially 6 months since I last lost a penny to online slots.
Yesterday I went out for the day with a friend to a nearby sea-side.
I went in a cafe and treat my friend to a coffee, I bought a few bits both for myself and my grandson and I enjoyed fish and chips. I didn't think twice about spending the money - it wasn't a lot but in the past my mind walking around the shops would have been wired completely differently. I know for a fact that I would have found it difficult looking in the shops in the first place because I would have felt upset with myself for not having any money to spend because I'd probably lost it the evening before. Then I'd have felt bitter for having to look at things I'd like and not being able to buy then I'd have felt panicky for being in that position and wonder how the heck I was going to get out of it.
I hope that those days are long behind me. Why on earth would I want to go back to that???!!!
Onward and upward! x

Posted on:
Sat, 07/04/2018 - 23:55

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Six months of angst but still gamble free

A delicate rose ~ little miss majesty

Nearby the beach with the sea and the ships

Our heroine paused to eat fish n chips

Strolled round shops, laughed, had some fun

Chose souvenirs for her cherished grandson

Innocent pleasures filled her with joy

With a smile on her face that said Ship Ahoy

Posted on:
Sun, 08/04/2018 - 21:40

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Stephen you are a ray of sunshine!
Thank you for your poetic gift.
I know I've tended to moan a bit lately but I suppose I use this forum as a sounding block. Sometimes it helps to get things out so they're not festering inside me. Besides if I'm feeling this way, surely some others must be feeling like it too?
Anyhow, happy to report I've had a lovely weekend with my family.
Saturday, gardening with my 20 month old grandson - (well he played with the watering can and splashed in the puddles. I don't think the worm was too happy to meet him either!)
Today I cooked a lamb dinner and played a few games with my 3 daughters and husbands/partners. Maybe not everyone's cup of tea but we all enjoyed it and had a laugh.
So to bed, new book at the ready. All good wishes x

Posted on:
Sun, 15/04/2018 - 00:43

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hello Little Miss, trust you are having a good weekend. I have missed your posts over the last week and hoping your ok. 

I always find inspiration in your posts which have a lot of common sense, good advice and they usually give me a frown and a chuckle at the same time. I imagine many people on the diaries can identify with your struggles and emotional ups and downs.

As you rightly point out it is a good feeling to wake up in the morning having not gambled the previous day. We all have thoughts of gambling and sometimes the urges are quite strong but other times we feel good about our gamble free adventure. It's good to concern ourselves with today and worry about tomorrow when it comes.

You recently wrote "we need to rise up from the ashes and regain control of our lives." I couldn't agree with you more...stephen x 

Posted on:
Sun, 15/04/2018 - 21:52

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hi diary, thanks for your lovely message Stephen. As you stated I've not been very active on here lately.
I'm happy to say I've still managed to stay off the slots.

Last few days I've put my radio on, watched the telly and noticed even more that all the adverts/sponsors are gambling related. Just makes you realise how much money they must make off the likes of us. They're telling us to 'Do this for free, do that for free, receive this for free, receive that for free ' led me on to think that they've invented a new sport, it's a whole new style of fishing. Throw the bait, wait for the nibble, then reel them in. Only it's not fish they're catching. It's the likes of me and you. Well I've had enough, they've thrown me back in a few times only for me to be tempted and get caught up again. This time I won't take that nibble again. They can go and throw the tempting treats in another pond I'll just swim on by and like the ducks, I'll keep treading water. . .

I was also reading a book earlier. A fiction book about the criminal underworld. There was a page about been in a betting shop and it was describing the punters in there as losers , low life's and ****. It hit me hard.
I almost fell out with the author (it's one who I love and read regularly) I thought is that how people look at us? Personally, I don't go in betting shops because my vice is online slots but it's just the same. I'm doing exactly what anyone who's stood in a betting shop on a FOBT machine is doing. This flipping addiction - we are not low lives or ****. We are people with feelings and emotions. We ARE worthy. We CAN and WILL succeed!!
Ramble, ramble, ramble.
All good wishes x

Posted on:
Wed, 18/04/2018 - 11:38

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

HI LML

Sorry to read you have found it tough recently. You are doing well and keeping on the gamble free path is the only way. You may feel like you are missing the thrill of the slots but maybe it is a little deeper than that, a void that needs filling. Maybe find a new hobby to get your teeth into or make some plans to keep yourself busy and fulfilled.

Remember if you don't have that next gamble life will only improve, you may miss the thrill but you don't miss the devastation and shame that the big losses carry.

Keep going girl.

Matt

Posted on:
Mon, 23/04/2018 - 22:25

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks for your kind words Matt, always good to hear from you. I love hearing about your new adventures, all made possible by your determination to become gamble free.
Also thank you Stephen the stoic, your words are heartfelt, flattering and always make me smile.

Hello all, well have I got news for you. I've been really busy lately, big changes in my personal life which have saddened me but i have felt had to be necessary and to be honest not had much inclination to come on here.
Anyway here's the news a few of you will be more interested in. On Friday night I sat for 6 hours till 3am in the morning throwing away just over £100 on an online slot which Gamban had obviously missed.
"Oh no!" I hear you say, "Oh yes!" I reply.
Let's face it, we all know judging from my previous posts it was probably inevitable. I knew in myself that I couldn't commit to saying I'd remain gamble free. It's always been there bubbling away.
As I've also said, others say they rarely get urges, to me the opposite applies.
It was ridiculous really. I was paying in US dollars on a game that I'd never even seen before, how desperate is that?!!
Amazingly, I managed to stop myself, leaving what I thought was £50 in my bank to get me through to the end of the month. As it turned out it was only £30 so definitely a good job I didn't put more in. (Ps I've self-excluded now!)
Amazingly, I'm not over sad about the fact. It just re-enforced to me how I couldn't stop. 6 months it had been since I last played. I just kept putting in more and more money. I was winning a few times but there was no way on earth that I would draw it out. As my funds were getting lower I'd say to myself just let me win my money back and I'll draw it out - I won, but you've guessed it - I never withdrew. I just sat back in my old zombified mode press, press, pressing!
Yes, afterwards I wished I hadn't but at the time I was quite happy.
I'm at the stage where I seem to have had my fix and what has surprised me is how it's made me feel. I just knew that I wasn't going to stop so now I'm thinking what's the point in doing it?
I'll never have the money to put in it to enable me to win big so what's the point?
I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm just going to look at in 6 months I've spent £100 on slots. I'll take that as a success considering I used to spend at least that in a week from my overdraft or credit cards.
I feel no need to gamble at the minute. I feel quite calm and philosophical about the whole thing.
I'll just keep plodding away and hope this 'not too fussed to go on the slots again' feeling, stays with me. I doubt it but I'll enjoy it whilst it lasts!
All good wishes to everyone , stay strong. Sorry if you've supported me lately. I've always appreciate your posts, they've helped me many a time. I'll get there. Take care x

Posted on:
Tue, 24/04/2018 - 00:42

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hello my friend. At least your ok in yourself which is good news. You had an itch which you felt compelled to scratch so it's over and done with. I was pleased to read you than excluded from that obscure gambling website. It did strike me as a bit ridiculous and I couldn't help but wonder where your £100 is now !!!! Hopefully it's been put to good use wherever it is. 

I really can't think of anything upbeat or constructive to write. You work so hard for your wages and you have such a lovely nature that it saddens me to think of you wasting both your time and money on something so pointless.

I know from your posts that you still had urges to gamble but it's best to keep fighting it one day at a time. Maybe in time to come the addiction will have less of an influence over us. We might even come to recognise it for what it really is. Take care...stephen x 

Posted on:
Tue, 24/04/2018 - 21:25

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks Stephen, don't you go worrying about me. I'm so much better than what I used to be when I was in full blown 'spend money that I haven't got and survive on 2 hours sleep' mode.
I'm just a bit in limbo at the moment. I feel I work quite hard but have next to nothing to show for it after all bills are paid. Next month it's my cars MOT test. Depending on how it gets on I'll probably have to borrow off parents to get it through, then add it to my debts with them that I try to pay at £50 off most months.
That's not a position that I expected or wanted to be in at 54 years old.
I suppose I should stop moaning and change my job if I want more money but I'm not sure what I could be happy doing.
Ah well, my family and I are fit and healthy so there's another thing I should be grateful for - and I am.
All good wishes x

Posted on:
Wed, 25/04/2018 - 00:06

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

I don't think changing your job is the answer because you enjoy your work. Money is not the "be all and end all," job satisfaction has got to be the main priority. You'll just have to manage your money better, relax and enjoy the simple pleasures in life.

It really makes my blood boil to see the devastation that compulsive gambling wreaks on peoples lives. Lovely, caring people who, sadly, are addicted to gambling. There is no end of unscrupulous people who will happily take advantage of vulnerable gambling addicts. They prowl the gambling websites looking for their prey.

Take care little miss maestro. Why not draw a line & step over it. A fresh start awaits you, a new chapter in the life of wonderful lady who deserves so much better. Look kindly on yourself and nurture the child within. Show her the love, compassion and affection that you happily give to others.....stephen x 

Posted on:
Sat, 28/04/2018 - 08:17

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Morning Little Miss, hope your happy and well. Wishing you a good weekend.

I don't know if you are aware but GamStop is now operating whereby anyone can self exclude from all uk registered online bookmakers. It only takes a few minutes to register.

Advice plus a link to it, can be found on threads in in the Overcoming Problem Gambling section of the forum. It is also covered by Mixer in a recent post on the Guru Challenge...stephen x 

Posted on:
Sat, 12/05/2018 - 15:11

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Just thought I'd drop a line because I haven't written for a while.
Thanks for your kind messages Stephen. I hope you've climbed out of that hole and managed to get yourself onto the right path again. Never give up - you are sooo worth it!
I'm still plodding along, not thrown any more money away online since I was last on here. Like for most people life is throwing obstacles but I'm trying to keep my spirit up and batting them aside.
My family are all well. I'm trying to keep occupied. Personally, it's a tricky time. Wouldn't it be great if someone could come along and tell you what would be the best thing to do for you, when you just don't know which way to turn?!
I'm not sure of many things but I am sure that emotionally I'm a much better person when I'm not gambling. I sleep, work and socialise more when I'm not spinning those awful soul destroying reels.
I've a little bit of money in bank (partly due to my daughter living temporarily with me and paying some board) I'm not sure how I'll cope money wise when she moves out soon but I'll worry about that when it happens. Because of this I'm enjoying being able to pop out with friends for a meal or a few drinks - nothing major but all makes me feel like I'm living a bit and not just existing.
All good wishes to everyone on this journey. Matt - if you're reading I'm so so happy that you've turned your life around. I wish you everything good and love reading your wonderful posts!
Stephen from Ireland - I've forgotten your new name and don't want to come out of typing in case I lose the post! If it's you and you're still out there - don't give up. Try your best to get help. You CAN do it! I wish you all the best and often wonder how you're doing. I hope you've kept paying for your bus pass so you at least don't have those long walks to work. Keep posting and try your best to stay gamble free. As you can see from Matts posts, it CAN be done.
All good wishes to everyone else especially Lulu, Sharon etc x

Posted on:
Sat, 12/05/2018 - 20:46

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Great to hear from you Lml and congrats on still remaining GF. I don't post much now as am a) working loads sad b)Sometimes feel like I'm covering old ground. But like yourself even if life is tricky being GF makes it bearable. Take care and enjoy life S x 

Posted on:
Mon, 14/05/2018 - 21:39

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Just thought I'd share. . .

Booked to have hair cut, coloured and blow dried today at hairdressers. Granted it's on a groupon so it's cheaper but I'd usually colour it myself then get a cheap cut. All courtesy of NOT going on the slots!
Amazing, that as an addict, these little things (which many take for granted) mean a lot and make me feel better about myself.
All good wishes x

Posted on:
Sat, 02/06/2018 - 06:08

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Just a quick word.
I still drop in occasionally to catch up with the diaries. I haven't spent one penny on online slots since my last blip so I'm happy with that.
I've been so busy of late that when my head hits the pillow, I'm asleep!
All other areas of my life aren't what I'd hoped for but as long as my head is free from the hell of slots I know that life is good.
For anyone out there struggling, don't give up, In my darkest moments, I really couldn't see me ever being able to stop but I eventually put blocks in place and it's helped.
You can do it if you really want to. On this occasion, the grass is greener on the other side and the sun comes out to help rid you of that heavy, black cloud that sits on your shoulder weighing you down.
Stay strong, be proud, you can do it! X

Posted on:
Sat, 02/06/2018 - 08:45

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

LML has been through hell but lived to tell the tale

Of sleepness nights tormented when she'd simply weep and wail

Leprechauns, spinning reels, gold in money pots

Enticed her without mercy to the bookies evil slots

Posted on:
Sat, 02/06/2018 - 19:15

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Great post miss...
Been a pleasure to watch you fighting the fight....told you you'd get to a better place love...
And trust me.....it just gets better...well done for how far youve come love...have a great weekend xx

Posted on:
Sat, 02/06/2018 - 22:05

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Great to hear from you Lml and you're enjoying the GF life. Takes a while but things slowly improve take care Sx 

Posted on:
Sun, 03/06/2018 - 09:04

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Morning, lovely to hear from all the above, thank you for your time.
Unfortunately Stephen, your verse is a sad tale but true! Hopefully somebody reading it though can realise that no matter how desperate you are, it can be done.

Loxxie - my mentor! You gave me strength and encouragement when I felt that I was a lost cause and you were the proof that it could be done. I used to read your posts and think how wonderful it would be to achieve what you had. . . . More time with your family and friends, going on trips to watch shows in London etc with your daughters. I wanted to be able to do that, you'd proved that it could be done. Well I've been away with my friend for a few days and it was lovely that I could pop in a café and buy whatever I liked without looking at the cheapest thing like I used to etc. A small thing to some people but a big thing to me!!

Sharon, my guiding star! Your recovery has also given me inspiration. Your words of encouragement have seen me through many a rough time when I have had to battle the demons in my head. I look at your recovery and also want to follow in your footsteps.
I think it will be a never ending journey but I now feel that I am more in control of my life.
In the past, I have felt so scared that I would never be able to stop gambling and I hated the 'monster' that I'd become. Panic, despair, self-hatred and feeling frightened have all been in my past. There's no way I want it to come back and ruin my present. In that case the future can only look good.
Anybody struggling please make today the last day. Get some blocks in place, you probably don't want to but for me it was the only thing that worked. I lost thousands trying to do it with willpower alone, I always failed.
Ring stepchange for help with debts, they're free and really help. Take control for YOU- because YOU really are worth it!!
All good wishes x
.

Posted on:
Wed, 13/06/2018 - 14:37

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Pleasure to read your posts...
Like a flower growing in the sun..
Sooooo proud of you...
No more the " little miss lost"
Much more ...." little miss blooming " ...
Xx

Posted on:
Mon, 18/06/2018 - 20:15

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Thanks for posting Lml, I am slowly being kinder to myself! Life is indeed for living isn't it? Thanks for your support Sx

Posted on:
Sat, 23/06/2018 - 12:54

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Greetings dear friend and wise little miss, I hope all is well with nothing amiss

Summer is here so it's fun to be out, ice-cream on the beach or gadding about

Life can be jolly i'm sure you'll agree, keep your foot on the pedal and stay gamble free...stephen x 

Posted on:
Mon, 25/06/2018 - 23:50

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi Lml I wholeheartedly agreed with your post on @Stephen67s diary,  these ads portray gambling as 'the norm' and almost like a sophisticated hobby....makes me sick! I read an article in a daily paper today about gambling addicts ending it all, totally heartbreaking :(  As with smoking maybe there should be government ads with the poor family members that are left behind.  Sorry to be rant and thanks for being such a rock Sx

Posted on:
Sat, 30/06/2018 - 22:54

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hello mon amigo.  No longer stuck in the lost and found - blocks in place your sound as a pound. 

I loved your post on my diary which really said it like it is. Both the advertising by bookmakers and their behaviour leave a lot ri be desired. Shameful I think I would call it.

As Sharon pointed out in her above post ....: "These ads portray gambling as the norm and almost like a sophisticated hobby... makes me sick."..... Well it makes me sick as well to think of the misery they feed on.

Take care little one...stephen x 

Posted on:
Sun, 15/07/2018 - 09:40

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Morning Little Miss Lionheart and gamcare legend. Hope life is treating you well and you are enjoying the summer, out and about with family and friends as you enjoy your gamble free life.

Early on a Sunday morning and I can picture you enjoying a nutritional breakfast after your early morning jog. I cheered a friend on at the Costello Stadium Race For Life last Sunday. Wow that was such an incredibly atmosphere and the minutes silence at the beginning brought a tear to many an eye.

Life can be a such a great adventure with tears and laughter both. Challenges can make or break us but are there to be enjoyed. We can laugh and smile as we embrace the wonder that is life. As likely as not this will be our one and only visit to this lump of rock whizzing through space (with me and you hanging on for dear life). Well we're not going to fall off so let's just lighten up and enjoy the experience...stephen x

Posted on:
Sun, 23/09/2018 - 10:37

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Good morning. Long time no see.
I'm not too sure what to write. Not a lot to report really other than I've kept off the online slots.
I'll be honest and say unfortunately I lost some money at the bingo. I started playing the games on the board and realised how dangerous that could be. I only took a small amount of money when I went because I knew I couldn't trust myself and I only went once every 2/3 weeks but one week I won £50 and I put it back in on the games. I walked out thinking, 'what are you playing at, you'll never win because you can't stop so what is the point??' I, my gambling brain, stupidly OK'd going with myself thinking I don't spend money on anything else so it was my treat for my hard days at work. I only took £30 with me but the last time I left after putting the £50 winnings back in l thought that I could have taken my girls out for something to eat with that £30 and had a lovely few hours in their company instead of being sat on my own in a bingo hall.
I haven't been back and I haven't had the urge to go back, that was a month ago.
I'd love to be able to say I haven't gambled but what I can say is i'm so much better than I used to be, I don't very often get urges and when I do my head does think 'what's the point?'
I used to lose thousands of pounds online which wasn't mine to lose (credit cards) all lost in a gambling fog. I'm happy to say that fog has cleared. I am beginning to see clearer now and my gambling mental health is much improved.
I pop onto this site regularly, it's great to see some of the 'old timers' (no offence!) back, sharing their wisdom and giving all the newbies hope.
Problems in my personal life has left me struggling emotionally but these things happen. I need to toughen up and put myself first. Hard having feelings for someone and them not to return them or commit. So why do they keep in touch acting as though they care? It messes with my head!
My family are all well, my 2yr old grandson is a joy to be with. They are all coming for Sunday dinner today.
When it comes to family I am truly blessed so what more could I want.
Big hello to all who remember me and have helped me along the way, Happy Sunday to everyone, stay strong and remember we all deserve to be happy. x

Posted on:
Sun, 23/09/2018 - 12:24

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hey miss...
Noticed the other day that you hadn't been around for a while....
But glad you're on love...
You're stronger than you think hun. ...walking away from that bingo hall prooves that. ...ok...so you spent....won. ...then lost. ..
But you've learnt .....it wont ever bring you happiness....you know that.....and you've processed that you can stop....so it's another lesson in you're recovery....not a negative....it's a posative....give your self a pat on the back for realising it will only end in tears
I'm sorry to hear personnel life's not fantastic. .....but you're strong and will deal with it....
Have a wonderfull day with family love.....and be kind to you're self....know body said recovery is straight forward....or runs a straight line.....but least your well on you're way.....xx

Posted on:
Sun, 23/09/2018 - 22:59

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks for your post loxxie, you were there to pick the pieces up for me many months (years!) ago any you're there for me now.
Happy to report that I'm in a lot better place now with regards to gambling. I know many say that it's all or nothing but I have to admit that I occasionally mess up but it's nowhere near what I used to do. That may make me a failure in some eyes but to me it's bearable. I'm in a much better place psychologically. I go to sleep, not thinking about slots. I wake up, not thinking about slots and I go to work and don't think about slots so that's got to be an improvement yes??!
I'm sorry to hear about your mum and I understand what you're saying when you say it's our turn to return all the love and care that we've received. I'm going through a similar situation but probably not as time consuming as my brother lives with her. I don't begrudge her one minute of my time because she has earn it a thousand times over.
It is lovely to have you back on the forum.
I've had a lovely day with family, I'd like to think my Sunday dinner would have done duncsmanc proud. Not exactly wild boar but the beef brisket went down well!
Tricky to come on here when you know you've kind of messed up but I'm glad I did. We must remember this site is not just here to record the successes, it's here to help people through a difficult addiction, a place where we can say how we're feeling and receive support to help us through some difficult times.
I have had many a difficult, soul destroying, dark day, Happy to report that black heavy cloud that used to weigh me down has now gone. If you're reading this feeling all hope has gone please don't despair. I went down the stepchange route, yes it meant I had to admit to my poor finances but it has helped me so much once I had put that effort in. They understand and are there to help, not to criticise. So if debt is weighing you down contact them immediately. Having somebody help you and give you advice is always beneficial
All good wishes x

Posted on:
Mon, 24/09/2018 - 06:56

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Posted the above and realised its Duncanmac with his wild boar! I didn't want to come out of my diary and lose it all to check! x

Posted on:
Tue, 09/10/2018 - 10:37

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hey miss
Hope all's ok with you love...
Trouble logging in I hope...
Take care...x

Posted on:
Sun, 16/12/2018 - 16:24

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hi loxxie, quite a long time since I've been on here.
Once again I'm coming up to Christmas and inside I'm an absolute wreck. Well, to be honest, after all of my previous experiences I'm getting quite used to dealing with my failures which in turn turns to self - hatred.

Studpidly, idiotically and heartbreakingly I sought and I found 1 site that allowed me to play after all of my barriers etc.
Now, hundreds of pounds later, most of which I've borrowed, I'm back to living in my own personal hell hole which I have painstakingly dug evening after evening, until I feel like I can no longer climb out. I just about used my money up in my bank. I spend an upsetting day thinking I'll have to ask to borrow off someone, I try one one more time with what little money remained and win back the money to put back into bank - all's good yes. Stop now!!!! No, I go and spend that too. Why? Why? Why?

I sink to having to ask to borrow from elderly parents so that I can get back on track saying I need money to do some repairs. I put the money back into bank only to consciously chip away at it night after night until I have none. No repairs made, even though family are in the process of arranging for me to have them done. I bail myself out again, go to pawn my ring, raise some cash. Stood in the shop, I can't believe I'm having to pawn my ring - what am I doing? Why am I putting myself in this position - for what??? A stupid game with bonuses and free spins. I just can't get enough. Why am I now wired this way??
At least pawing my ring has given me a reprieve and some money in my bank to get me through Christmas. Not enough to pay for repairs but... That's good yes? I can buy food and put petrol in my car and buy a few last minute presents?! Well it would be if I wasn't such an addicted fool thinking all I have to do is win a few hundred then I'll stop because I'll be able to make the repairs aswell, then all my worries will be over. If I win, I won't have to admit to being an addicted, brainwashed zombie again. I suppose we can all guess the outcome. I won a big fat nothing, So here I am. Sat thinking I'm in the same old position, upset, hating myself over Christmas again. I spend months gamble free then just blow it in a mad few weeks. Always seems to be near to Christmas.

What next?? Face and admit to the family, face friends or just pray for a miracle that will never ever happen? When all I want to do is hide away and lick my wounds.
I have to draw strength from somewhere or else I'll just crumble and turn into a jibbering wreck.
Hundreds might not sound like I've lost a lot of money to many people but I have a dmp through previous debts and I cannot get any credit any more. Not even an overdraft at bank. I have little money left after bills at the end of the month even though I work full time.
I hate returning and admitting to failing again but reading some posts on this site last night gave me hope and that's something I need in bucketfulls at the moment. I feel the need to share my sorry story with people who understand the pull of the online slots. Put all this behind me, start again and learn to love myself.

Sending strength to all who's in my situation x

Posted on:
Sun, 16/12/2018 - 16:51

DeterminedDan

Joined:
2016-09-08

Every journey must start somewhere, and yours starts right here! 

I’ve only just begun my journey so hop aboard and we’ll head off into paradise together. A beautiful world where gambling plays no part. 

For every day that you don’t gamble, a part of you will return. 

There are many, many people in the same boat as you. You’re not alone. Let’s make something special happen. It’s time to get off this sickly ride.

Posted on:
Mon, 17/12/2018 - 00:56

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hello Little Miss. I am so sorry to read of your return to gambling. It really doesn't make any sense why any of us return to gambling when we know full well what the outcome will be. 

I am pleased though that you have come back on the diaries. You know that here you are amongst friends who understand what you are going through.

Whatever you might think at the moment, you are a lovely lady who tries to do what is right and proper. You love your family dearly. You have also given love and support to the many children who have passed through your classrooms. You didn't ask to be a compulsive gambler and you have tried on many occasions to overcome the gambling urges. You are a good person with an illness.

Don't beat yourself up because it won't do any good. Take stock of your situation and decide on the best way forward. It might be best to come clean with your daughters and ask for their help in managing your finances again but that is a choice for you to make. They are however, fully aware of your addiction to gambling (although they might not understand it),  so it might not come as a complete surprise to them. 

I wish you well my friend. I am going to bed shortly and will ask the angels to bring you comfort, understanding and the inner strength you will need in continuing your journey up the gamcare mountain...stephen x 

Posted on:
Mon, 17/12/2018 - 04:08

Rootofallevil

Joined:
2018-10-16

I have read a lot of the comments here(almost all), little miss lost. I can see that you are depending solely on willpower. It is impossible, as I have learned now. TRUST ME. Willpower is used in a conflict of will. Gambling is addiction! You have to remove the brainwashing and the desire to gamble. The main reason for failure is fear... The fear that you will be deprived. But you arent! You lose nothing by stopping and gain everything.

You must NOT try to not think about gambling. If I say "dont think about apples", what did you think? Exactly. Its VITAL that you dont block thoughts. Instead of thinking: "damn... I cant gamble", think: "Yippie, IM FREE!! I dont have to do that anymore"
Paradoxally think of this: When a gambler bets, he in that moment feels like a non-gambler feels all the time. A non gambler is on par all the time. A gambler is always under par. He goes on par when gambling, but after, his normal par is below par!

REMEMBER THIS! The urge is created by your last gamble, meaning it does not relieve stress, its the cause of it! Enjoy breaking the little monster in your body! Take away the desire to gamble, and you dont need willpower or anything else. I was 2 years gamble free with access to all gambling sites whilst having money in my available bank card. Unfortunately a trauma got me back, but I have learned that now! That gambling does not fix your anxiety etc, its the cause of it.

Posted on:
Mon, 17/12/2018 - 04:37

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thankyou determined Dan, it is indeed unfortunate that there are many people in our situation.
I feel for each and every one of them. I wish you success in your journey and hope to join you on your way.
Hello self sufficient, my hometown friend. Reading the above post brought me to tears. Thankyou for your kind words. I've taken every one of them and wrapped them around me like a security blanket.
I have a friend that I have spoken to about my latest bout of gambling but as much as she tries, she just doesn't understand why I do it when I, myself know that deep down I'll end up losing. That's why I'm back here, amongst fellow sufferers who, if probably like myself, really know where I'm coming from when I talk about the pull of the reels.
So, I've blocked myself from the site, leaving their money monster rubbing it's tummy and licking it's lips, no doubt with a contented leer on its face.
Along with you Stephen, I hope that your angels give me guidance and strength to get through yet another self-inflicted traumatic experience.
I'll see how I go, I'm not sure that I can face telling my children at the moment, coward that I am. It's taking me all my time just to go through the motions. I'll build my strength back up a little, then the situation that I have put myself in again will probably mean that I'll have to come clean anyway. My daughters know that I've had the money off my parents, they'll still think that I have it. That's the hardest part, I've not only let myself down, I've let them down again too. They try to support me so much but I've got to get off that line of thought because I'll just break down if I don't, then I'll be no use to anyone.
Work keeps me going. I have no time to think about my personal problems when I'm there, it's a reprieve but I'm back to beating myself up whenever I have a minute and my thoughts return to my situation in hand.
Sending you a big grateful hug for your unwavering support, I'll catch up on your diary soon.
Li'l miss x

Posted on:
Mon, 17/12/2018 - 04:48

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Sorry rootofallevil, I have just read your post. Must have come through whilst I was writing mine. Thankyou for your time. I'll take on board your advice and wish you success on your journey x

Posted on:
Mon, 17/12/2018 - 08:18

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hey love ...I can feel your pain ...and remember all those feelings so well.....good on you for coming back here and seeking support...I'm certainly not going to judge you love....I really think you need to talk to you're daughters....hard ..yes ...again I remember that scenario. ..shame..guilt...embarrasment etc..I felt just the same...but...you need to draw some strength from them...you're addiction will just keeping chipping away at you ...untill it takes absolutely eveything....it will keep telling you it can make eveything all right...but you know love...that it's actually making all the problems...get those blocks in place now .....they can....and do work....Will power alone simply won't work....
You've done this before...so you can do it again....remember that first cake you made as a child ?
Bit of a mess I expect. ...lol
I reckon one you made today would be much more presentable....
And to make a good cake. .....you have to put in the right ingredients ...so....to really fight you're addiction love.....think about what's going into you're cake !
Sending you a supportive hug ((())))xxx

Posted on:
Mon, 17/12/2018 - 21:08

Rootofallevil

Joined:
2018-10-16

You just dont need it... Imagine if you dont stop now. You will in 10 years think back if you stopped then... Its a vicious cycle that is not ever stopping by itself. Gambling consumes people. Its never enough. If you win, that is going back in. Then you start to think of all the winnings and try to win that back. People win to gamble more...

"The only way to leave the casino with a small fortune, is to go there with a big one"

Posted on:
Mon, 17/12/2018 - 22:52

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hi rootofallevil & Loxxie, my saviour when I fall!!
I don't know what to do with myself. I do well, I have blocks in place with gamstop then lose it big style and go into self-destruct mode because I managed to find a site that would let me on.
Anyway, that's enough of that. I've just got to think positively, I am so lucky, lovely caring family, quite good health and a gorgeous little grandson who melts my heart. What more could I need?!
Happiness to all x

Posted on:
Tue, 18/12/2018 - 22:55

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Many thanks Little Miss for your post on my diary. It is just what I needed as I have been pestered today by thoughts of gambling. I will re-read that post many times over the coming days and weeks when I am in need a reality check.

I hope you are feeling ok and have come to terms with the situation you now find yourself in. My thoughts are with you and I wish you the peace, contentment and happiness which you deserve and which is waiting for you somewhere up ahead on your gamble free journey.

We cause ourselves so much heartache for no good reason but we must not lose hope. After a fall one must get back on their feet and try again. Take care my friend ...stephen x 

Posted on:
Thu, 27/12/2018 - 13:16

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hello Little Miss Light On The Christmas Tree. Hope you are enjoying the festivities with your wonderful family. I imagine your lovely little grandson will be keeping everyone entertained. Precious moments to be embraced and good memories to be made.

I honestly believe that now is a great oportunity for us to make a fresh start. Let's kick this horrible gambling into touch once and for all.

I propose that we make 2019 a gamble free year. 

What have we got to lose? Nothing.

What have we got to gain? I don't know.

Let's just try it and find out.... Love and best wishes from stephen x 

Posted on:
Mon, 31/12/2018 - 05:16

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hi Stephen, lovely to hear from you.
Christmas day shared with my family, yes indeed I'm a very lucky lady.
Once again, as a trait of a compulsive gambler, I felt undeserving of my gifts.
Thanks to blocks, I haven't lost that much in this last year, compared to previous years but on a few occasions I have still succumbed to the pull so that in itself is a negative.
I'm just thankful that I have family and friends in my life to help keep my going. I could so easily succumb to the devastation/debts/self hatred caused by gambling by locking myself away but I have to keep going, keep smiling, keep loving and giving because without them, I truly would be an empty vessel.
I'm looking forward to happier days ahead. Free from the dark clouds of gambling. When you take gambling or more to the point, losing, out of the equation the world is a much better place.
Here's to contentment and happiness in 2019. I'm starting it by having my gorgeous grandson sleep over, what a great way to start the year (hopefully, if he allows me to get some sleep!!) haha!
Good wishes, strength, love and happiness to all x

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