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Telling my wife

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#1 Posted on:
Wed, 12/09/2018 - 10:13

LeftyP

Joined:
2018-09-12

Hi all

Bit of background would be a good way to start.

38 years old compulsive and horribly addicted online gambler. Married to a beautiful caring woman. Two amazing children. Steady job. Nice house. And im seriously in jeopardy of losing it all.

I used to have a real bad habit on the fruities 15 years ago but met my wife and moved from my home town and quit.

I was gamble free for 12 years until 2015. I then found out my wife was having an affair with a colleague at work. There were many reasons and excuses on both sides as to why this happened.

I took it badly of course. Very badly. So much i was on the cusp of a nervous breakdown. I really thought i was losing my mind. I didn't know what was real and what was lies. One day i was so obsessed with thoughts of revenge and hatred i literally thought i might getvin my car and visit the other party( so glad i didn't because i might be in jail now).

I didn't but i did join an online bingo site. It was a relief to not be stuck in the endless loop of my thought process. Now all i could concentrate on was playing the game.

It started off small just a fiver or so a day. A harmless escape from the mess my life was.

My marriage has improved immeasurably. We care for and respect each other more now than we ever did before. But my gambling has increased to for me unsustainable levels.

Im 10k in debt. I have huge phone bills due to phone deposits. Im talking 300 quid a month on my phone bill alone.
Im chasing and chasing just to make the interest payments alone.

I need to stop. But i need to tell my wife but im so scared of the consequences. We are still so fragile. Its got to the point where she thinks im having an affair.

Im sorry if this post sounds like it should be on a marriage guidance forum but i think the background is relevant.

Please any advice.. Or some courage if anyone has any spare..

Posted on:
Wed, 12/09/2018 - 17:14

Joe-90

Joined:
2016-10-05

Hi Lefty,

Sorry to hear about your dilema, a lot to unpick there alright but at least you are no seeking help. That is always the most important step as we think we can control everything so admiting things are out of control is huge.

Like so many of us you have used gambling as an escape from the stresses and strains of reality, you should get to your nearest GA meeting and start attending asap. There you will get some badly needed support and be able to get everything off your chest and combat the gambling.

Your wifes infedelity obviously had a huge affect so I would suggest you come clean to her (no point in living a lie) and possibly go for councelling either as a couple or on your own if you have to. Addictions like gmabling or drinking feed off secrets and lies, get everything out in the open, its vital so you can really move on with your life.

None of this is easy to do, but they are neccessary. I wish you well

Posted on:
Wed, 12/09/2018 - 17:38

ALN

Joined:
2018-08-25

Agree with Joe-90. Gambling addiction is an emotional illness which appears has become your escape from reality.

You need to be honest with your wife about your gambling and come clean about the total debt position.

Barriers need to be put in place in respect of credit cards, bank accounts and access to money. Unfortunately someone will have to take control, hopefully your wife.

You need to attend GA as well as seek Counselling sessions. Latterly in respect of the issues that you have praying on your mind. Would appear from your post that you still find it hard to accept a clean start in respect of your marriage.

Posted on:
Wed, 12/09/2018 - 20:40

LeftyP

Joined:
2018-09-12

Thanks for the replys guys.

Im going to tell my wife on Monday. Its my boys 5th birthday on Saturday so im not going to ruin it with a horrible atmosphere that will inevitably follow.

I have tried to register with gamstop but have to provide proof of identity to verify. Im in the process of doing that now.

RE counselling we went to private marriage counselling for 1.5 years and it did help. An non bias third party to mediate was a god send.

Ironically (not really lol) we stopped going due to financial restraints(ie my dirty secret).

Your comment about a clean start is very true. I hold a lot of resentment towards her... And part of me blames her for my current situation. But the rational side of me knows it wasn't her who made all those deposits chasing one more bonus.

Its been 24 hours since my last deposit. I got paid off a job today. I so wanted to deposit but i resited. Was so effing hard.

I want my life back. The last 3 years have nearly broken me mentally physically emotionally and financially. I just want to be me again.

Thanks for listening.

Posted on:
Thu, 13/09/2018 - 05:14

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Hi LeftyP, you have made a good start, coming here and started signing up to Gamstop is the best way to help. You will have the aftermath of high phone bills and more of the realisation of money spent and time wasted but we are human, these sites are made to pull us in to keep playing... don’t be so hard on yourself, that’s why we are all here, we understand, easily done! 

You obviously love your wife very much and you can get through this!   Hope you enjoy your little boys birthday party. Life is tough.. with or without gambling but it’s a hell of a lot tougher trying to juggle it all with a brave face and feeling guilt on your own while you are still playing those horrible bingo/slots. You can do this, I didn’t think I would of come this far, but advise on here, loads of willpower, signing up to Gamstop, having blocks such as Gamban etc all helped. Good luck with his journey, honestly hand on heart, break the habit, you will feel like you again and can enjoy a good life  that you deserve. I used to think when playing on the bingo/slot sites, that I was in control but know it never stops unless you take the leap for good and cut yourself away from it! I hate that world of gambling, seeing it for what it is and what it can do to people. Be kind to yourself, you seem like a genuine fella, that what’s to do right by his family...that’s what it is all about! That’s what keeps me going and grateful everyday! Xx 

Posted on:
Thu, 13/09/2018 - 06:20

Lost1961

Joined:
2018-08-24

morning Leftyp

Its 2 weeks since i plucked up enough courage to tell my wife i had lapsed having not gambled for a few months.
I had similar issues to you in that i used gambling to run away from depression over things.
Its no easy aftermath and she is still very angry and has said a lot of hateful things which i know i deserve.It has also affected both my adult children and my son has not spoken to me for 2 weeks after losing his temper and hitting me.
Despite all this,please believe me you in yourself will feel so much better for not carrying the guilt and self loathing at what you have been doing.
I have all the things in place that have been advised on here and feel i am moving to a better place.Just hope in time my family see it.
Best wishes for your sons birthday and stay strong from now on.
22 days since i gambled but more importantly getting my life back on track.

Posted on:
Fri, 14/09/2018 - 13:56

Lost1961

Joined:
2018-08-24

Just wondering if you are ok Leftyp .
Not seen any update on your situation