I don't get on here much nowadays but after 645 Gf days of being trapped in addiction i'm finally at peace. Can i change the fact that for almost 5 decades gambling controlled me?, Probably not. So what's to be proud of you may well ask.
Well i get up each morning & those thoughts of what will win the derby or guineas, who'll win the premier league have finally subsided. I go out & i smell FREEDOM rather than enslavement.For the 1st time in ages i can say & mean JUST FOR TODAY I DIDN'T GAMBLE. I've a new retriever pup that i can roll about with & laugh until lockdown's finally over then bestow my love upon my grandchildren when Boris finally tells me it's safe to do so.
I am proud & no longer ashamed of my past. I spent many a day pondering what i'd tell my grandchildren when they asked about my past life. Of course i'll be embarrassed should that day come but i'll also be proud of the fact that i can tell them about my addiction & what it does to people. I can also say that i beat it rather than it beat me. I can't describe the joy of having to kid no one about my bank balance ( be it as low as it is ) about waking up & thinking whatever today brings it's so much better than yesterday. I'm 65 please don't tell me it's too late to stop. Should anyone dare all i know is no one will destroy the the contentment & happiness & joy i feel every morning i wake.
Best Wishes To All On The Forum
I just wanted to pop in to say that I absolutely share your joy in your continued recovery, your courage, strength and integrity is an inspiration to many of us. I shed a small tear of happiness when I read your latest post. You deserve every bit of happiness and I will never forget the care and kindness that you have shown to me through my recovery. I am a fair bit behind you but I am close to having 200 days gamble free under my belt and like you, I am able to take great pleasure out of everything that life has to offer.
You should be proud Al, I am certainly proud of you.
All my love
Nearly 200 days is a fantastic achievement. If you doubt that read my story & understand how many decades it took me to achieve day 1. Life for me isn't about who or what life once was but what life can be. Stay strong, look forward ( not behind ) & enjoy every minute. It isn't just about me but watching you, Boo, Drama & so many others heal is what keeps me going every day.
Just have to share something tonight. Recently visited an old friends house. Everywhere I looked in the living room there were photographs of him, his wife and children at various ages, from babies at their first trip to seaside to prom night when they left school. A happy & long history of some of their most memorable moments.
What a contrast from the life of a CG who was never there for his wife & kids because addiction had taken away all of those joyful moments I lost out on. I often look at my sons graduation photographs receiving his diploma in front of the whole Uni and his sister, mam & girlfriend. Everyone was there ( Except Me).
If that ain't painful enough when I finally decided to stop this wonderful young man told me how proud he was to hear admit i had an addiction & was right behind me all the way. I suppose should be proud but what I really feel is shame & guilt.
Whenever i was needed I was either online or in a bookmakers shop gambling & so we move on till December 2019 when it was confirmed i had esophageal cancer ( for once in my life it was me who needed the very people I'd hurt & neglected rather than them needing me).
My first chemo therapy was on the 18th of March 2020 ( not a nice experience ) however throughout the 9 hour session my wife sat with me from start to end. By the time the next session came lockdown had started & i was informed no visitors were allowed in the hospital. I think for the first time in my life I was alone. However no sooner had i got home & the phone was ringing ( son, daughter, grandson ) asking if I was OK. I could barely handle a conversation following 9 hours of that awful treatment & a 28 mile drive home.
The next stage of my treatment involved radio therapy Mon - Fri . 5 weeks ( 25 sessions ). It isn't the thoughts of the unpleasant treatment that now tortures me, indeed that's nothing compared to the guilt that causes me so much anguish & hurt. I can think of no-one more undeserving (given my selfishness) for the wonderful support I've been given during this last 10 months.
There was once a time I thought gambling addiction is the worst thing that could happen to anyone. To this day I passionately believe fighting cancer is so much easier than fighting addiction. Right now the worst feeling in the world & the hardest challenge i feel is dealing with the guilt. Guilt of having so much love, care & support of those I treated so badly.
What's the point of this post ( not really sure) because all of our lives will take different paths. Hopefully most of you on here will enjoy happiness & good health. I suppose i just want to say as addiction grows & the days become weeks, the weeks become months and the months become years be aware we never know what's lurking in the shadows behind the mists of addiction. We all reap what we sew.
God Bless & Stay Strong