Hi
Do I measure my recovery by the last date of my last bet today.
No I measure my recovery by how much I have healed, by how productive I am today, by how healthy my relationship is with myself, by how healthy my relationship is with other people, by how productive I am today, by how healthy my motives are today.
If I have not gambled for so long why go to meetings.
I am a non religious person yet I understand that I am able to grow and mature.
I am able to identify that being in my recovery my steel will be tested in so many ways.
When people are unhealthy in my life today do I react in unhealthy ways.
My recovery growth was much quicker by investing my time and energy with like minded people.
It is not wise to talk about our goals with people who are dysfunctional people, they will only try to put us down.
Handed over money was not a punishment, handed over money was because I could not trust myself with money.
I did not value myself before my recovery.
I did not value money or other people before my recovery.
My recovery was sped up by showing gratitude and appreciation.
By doing so I am expressing my increasing values towards things and people I use to take for granted.
By me showing gratitude and appreciation demonstrated my values today, of how much I care.
Being nice is easy for me today.
I do not fear intimacy with other people today.
In facing all of my fears I took the biggest fear I had and I asked myself what level of fear do I have today.
Ten out of ten being the highest.
In taking the biggest fear I asked myself what is the very worst that can happen.
Once I talk it out and if I am willing to fully accept the very worst that can happen, in that instant my fears reduce.
On walking in to the recovery program my fears were ten out of ten.
On walking in to the recovery program my fears today are about 1 or 2 out of ten.
I use to fear being questioned.
Then one day I did a talk and a person asked me a question I did not have the answer for.
I did not break down I did indeed laugh and told gathering I did not know the answer, I did not crumble down, I did not panic, I did not feel less of a person.
I did not know, I was inadequate about the answer, but did not internalize it.
So it took me over twenty years to learn and understand what my emotional triggers were.
At the start of my recovery I thought I was there now fix me.
My recovery was learning that I did not heal my pains but just buried them.
Only once I abstained from unhealthy habits could the healing process begin.
One day at a meeting a person said I am glad that I am a compulsive gambler.
My thoughts and thought of others was shock and confusing.
The person explained not having an addiction the person would have never discovered how unhealthy he had become.
The person would have never discovered how much he was missing from life and relationships.
The money was never going to give me emotional resolve or take away the pains I caused myself or other people.
Yet I have found that every pain and every trauma caused fears in me that I did not understand.
Yet more importantly I have found that every pain and every trauma that was healed has become my strength today.
My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated how hurt my inner child was, and that hurt my inner child was not healed.
Pain caused trauma in me, both emotional and physical.
As I started to heal and peel back the onion the tears did flow.
Today I am able to listen, I am able to learn, I am able to relate, I am able to be self sufficient, I am able to be more mature, I am able to embrace emotional intimacy, I am able to communicate in healthy ways, I am able to articulate my feelings and my emotions.
The choice is mine today, to be a talker or a walker.
The most precious things in my life today is time and relationships.
Every other thing comes after those things.
Once in action I asked a close friend of mine of many years would he lend me money.
He declined my request, how ever he told me he would give me money, that completely confused my mind.
He explained to me that our relationship was worth far more than any money.
He did not want to adversely affect our relationship by money issues.
How much do I value myself today.
Am I selfish in my recovery.
Do I know how to celebrate in a healthy way today.
Do I know how to reward myself in a healthy way today.
Do I remain focused on my needs my wants and my goals today.
I do know that the unhealthy person I use to be is not who I am today.
I do know that pride is a reward for being a healthy person today.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham.
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