Honestly surrendering to the fact I was an addict and I was emotionally vulnerable was a sign of strength for me.

Dave,

What a fantastic, inspirational post. Thank you for taking the time to share that. I am 43, I too had a bad child hood that seems to have screwed up my life and my escape is self-abuse and self-destructive, gambling. I go through long periods when I don't gamble and then the wheels come off. I am in a very dark place right now, I feel that I have exhausted all avenues. I can honestly say I've tried everything to stop but right now life seems hopeless. I only go on for the sake of my family that I don't see anymore. To think I could go on feeling this way for another 20 or 30 years seems impossible. I pray for an early death because the only other escape is insanity of which I must be close to. Sorry for the self-pity. I will re-read your post, I'll print it out and put it on my wall. That gives me a bit of hope.

Stuart

Hi Stuart

You say you had a painful child hood that seems to be where I came from.

By using the wording escape indicates we still live in fear and are still emotionally vulnerable.

Is self-abuse and self-destructive in any way healthy, it was some thing I needed to do for myself.

To set boundaries for myself.

You go through long periods when I don't gamble how much time do you spend writing and working on your recovery.

Have you been able to over come your fears and ask for help directly.

Step five is about learning more about emotional intimacy.

You say you are exhausted do you want to pick an alternative path in your life today.

Please go to meetings for your self, you will get so much from it for your self.

Have you handed over your finances as yet, that helped me.

You say you have felt this way for many years, while not heal your hurt inner child.

The most important things in my life today is relationships and time.

Before my recovery I did not show or express appreciation or gratitude.

I took every one and every thing for granted.

I did not care about myself and I did not care about other people.

In my recovery I found I had value in myself I just did not see or feel it.

Living in fear and living in the past stunts our growth.

Our anger is an unhealthy reaction to our unhealed pains our fears and our frustrations.

I use to wish my life away for me today it is unhealthy.

Escape is fear based, do  you now feel that living in fear is unhealthy.

For me living the self pity indicated that I had not moved on from living my life being the victim.

To stop being the victim I needed to have a voice from a place of peace.

It is not healthy to talk to people of our past who are still dysfunctional.

Talking to a person who is emotionally detached from us helps us talk out about our past trauma.

Thank you very much for your sharing and your inner strength.

You have articulated your self to me in a very healthy way to me.

Your sharing has exposed your vulnerability and your trauma.

Thank you for your honesty

regards Dave,

Hi Dave,

Thank you so much for your share, I love hearing your words! 🙂

I definitely didn't get the Love, approval, validation, nurturing and emotional skills that I needed to operate as a healthy functioning adult. Before my addiction took hold I was extremely insecure with some very distorted perceptions of myself. I had developed alot of "I am's" which developed during my formative years (I am unloveable, I am flawed, i am inadequate, I am inferior, I am ugly etc). My parents have self worth issues which are covered up by their narcissistic control traits. I believe it was this that caused my distorted beliefs about myself as I was controlled and criticised with next to no praise. I was constantly trying to get my parents to accept me and love me for who I am but I was never enough. At a young age I abandoned myself as inadequate and tried to get them to except me by trying to be perfect (This also didn't work because their needs were more important than mine apparently). Because I rejected myself as inadequate I became whoever anyone else wanted me to be providing they accepted and loved me. I was even in fear of being rejected which caused me to suffer massive amounts of fear and anxiety around other people. I was constantly mind reading what other people were thinking about me (which was always negative). I started to get into relationships but they were always toxic because I was always looking for what I was lacking in my childhood. I was an except me and love me aholic! It took me a long to realise that this emptiness I felt in my soul which addiction masked for so many years was abandonment of my inner child. I've been on the most incredible journey of grieving the loss of my childhood and re-parenting and nurturing my inner child and giving that little boy everything that he needed with love, compassion, unconditional acceptance and lots of time. After time rebuilding this relationship my addiction desire disappeared along with my unhealthy character defects. Whilst I was still detached from my inner child I was always searching for ways to prove my worth externally (bigger house, better wife, better car, better job etc). It was a relief to discover I was trying to fix an internal problem with a external solution and that the solution was far more easier than living the life I had been living.

Thank you again for your words of wisdom. X

Hi Thank you for your reply and relating to my recovery

Sadly my parents were unable to love them self or each other so they were unable to love me in an affectionate nurturing protecting way.

In my recovery learning to be nurturing protective and have emotional skills were difficult for me.

For me learning to be a healthy functioning adult took along time.

Long before my addiction and obsessions I was emotionally vulnerable and was living in fear and insecurity.

Yes low self worth low self esteem lack of confidence and not able to value myself.

I was unloveable because I had fear of emotional intimacy.

My parents emotional baggage was not mine.

For me control traits were very much fear based issues.

It was important for me to show gratitude and appreciation in so many ways.

They criticized because they were not content with in them self.

By looking at other people they are not facing them self.

Giving money and gifts was not love.

Giving money and gifts was not a healthy apology.

A person would never get a parents approval they did not how to.

Person pleasing was unhealthy for me.

Being inadequate is lack of confidence and self esteem.

Fear of being rejected was with me long before my addictions and my obsessions.

Fear of being rejected was also tied up to abandonment issues earlier in my life.

What you wanted from other people they could not give you.

What ever you wanted or needed from other people you needed to give to your self first of all.

The addiction and obsessions were a form of escape and deviating facing your self.

As you peel back the onion the tears will roll and your hurt inner child will come out.

To be giving to that little boy everything that he needed with love, compassion, unconditional acceptance and lots of time was a healthy path.

Once you are content with your self you will no longer need to prove your worth externally, you will content with your new journey of self discovery.

No thank you for your being so open strong and self aware, I can so relate to you and your journey.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

Hi Stuart

It was not enough for me to just abstain from my unhealthy habits.

It was very important to start to heal the hurt inner child in me.

On walking in to the recovery my levels of fear were so high that I felt stressed out most fo the time.

The people in the rooms of recovery would help me reduce my fears and understand my fears.

The people in the rooms of recovery would help me understand my self more and more.

Sadly as a child because my parennts were filled with pains fears and frsutratons the use to transfer pains fears and frsutratons on to me.

I had certain expectations of my parents which  they were unble to give me.

Both of my parents were traumatized by unhealthy pais if their life and they were traumatized by the second world war.

I did not know or understand that my parents often lived in their fears.

My mother removed me from my father and Canada when I was only 8 years of age.

The unhealthy addictions and the unhealthy obsessions was a form of escape for me.

Just to abstain from Gambling seemed impossible.

Yet a time came when I was able to abstain.

Then came a time when I wuld understand that I was still emotionally vulnerable.

Once I was able to abstain then the healing of my hurt inner child could start.

In time I would reduce each one of my fears.

There is no doubt in my mind that living in any kind of fear was very unhealthy for me.

For me living in any kind of fear wuld restrict me from healthy intimacy with my self and with other people.

In time my hurt inner child would come out in my therapies and in my writings.

Peeling back the onion would expose my hurt inner child.

Love healing and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

@walliss77 

Hi

Sadly in my child hood I understand now that they could not give me some thing they did not have.

My extremely insecurity was very mch fear based.

Living in fear was so disabling for me.

Person pleasing is not a very healthy habit.

It is healthy to heal from our unhealthy child hood and our painful expereinces..

You were trying to fix an internal problem with a external solution

Very interesting concept.

No thank you for your sharing.

The more I heal the more that little came out from hiding in his fears.

Take good of your self.

Dave L

@canterbury100 

Hi Stuart

I am pleased that you are able to relate to my recovery and able to share our expereinces..

You are 43,

I walked in to the recovery program about 1971.

I have been clean now for over 30 years.

But abstaining is the point where we learn to heal our pains and reduce our fears.

I am sorry that you are emotionally vulnerable at this time.

Each time I gambled I got to understand what my emotional triggers were and how to over come them.

Life is far to precious to wish it away.

Have you considered going to a counsellor.

The more time and energy you put in to your recovery it will pay healthy rewards.

I use to be such aloner before my recovery.

Find a healthy room where there are healthy therapies it helped me.

Please take good care of your self and keep going to meetings.

If you can find a healthy person to talk to and if you can get a healthy sponsor.

Dave L,

@walliss77 

Hi

In my recovery I got to understand that with my frsutrations having such high expectations of people life and situations people were not hurting me, I was hurting my self.

By working hard in my recovery I found learning new skills took some time.

Like nurturing and encouragin skills.

For me trying to be a healthy functioning adult was not possibe at the start because my emotional age and my physical age were well off.

I got to understand that I was a victim of so many pains that it was my hurt inner child that lived in fear of being hurt again.

I did Karate for two yea and got to understand that I still had fears of aggression.

That was due to my parents agggresssion that followed me in to adult hood.

I was extremely insecure so was I due to pains that caused fears in me that I di dnot understand.

To stop being the victim I needed to gain a healthy voice from a place of peace.

I use to think that I was unlovable and unworthy.

If a boss asked me in to the office I would assume what have I done wrong again. It was an instant unhealthy reaction.

Do you believe it was this that was caused by adults in your life transfering their pains fears and frustrations on to you.

Yes I felt inadequate insecure inept and felt that I had no value in me.

Recovery program asked me to learn to love my self. 

Recovery program asked me to learn to respect my self. 

Recovery program asked me to learn to reduce my fears.

For me fear of being rejected or abanded was one of my biggest fears.

And there was also person pleasing and saying I have to.

The ladies saw how emotionally immature I was. 

I am today still a person watcher.

I think that character defects is not correct or healthy I just think we are emotionally vulnerable.

In the deep honest therapies came so much enlightenement.

Thank you again for your sharing