I’m going to start off with the most positive thing of my gambling journey, today I’m 34 days gambling free after 3 years of gambling.
I started off on sports betting online (Football/Tennis) used to be a weekend thing only, not a lot of money involved at all it was fun to start with as it’s meant to be had a few good wins. I got used to that winning feeling then became greedy wanting more and more even when I won I wanted more, started reversing withdrawals, before I knew it I was betting way larger amounts than I ever imagined to try and recoup my losses.
I started to look forward to payday just to have my next opportunity to gamble this is when I started to realise gambling is starting to become a problem I kept telling myself this can’t be normal? Why would anyone ever look forward to losing money?
I decided enough is enough I can’t keep doing this having to lie to people and use up valuable time, it isolated me from the real world and I was stuck in the gambling world. I then decided to put GamStop in place and contact Gamcare via telephone and they also advised me to put in place GamBan with both of these in place I thought that would be it.
Few days had passed by without a bet, then I had a bad day and looked up football matches that day and set off to the bookies in my car to place the bet I thought all morning about. I got to the door of the bookies about to walk in the door and I just couldn’t do it. I turned around and got back in my car and went home that bet was never placed I checked the results later that day and I would of lost.
This was the turning point for me it proved something I’m never thought would ever change, it proved I have the willpower to stop it proved I can say no to gambling it proved I never really wanted to gamble.
I still have thoughts about gambling now and have the urges to gamble it’s not easy but everyday I feel like I’m getting closer to the person I really am!
The recovery program was going to help me gain faith and hope in myself.
I could not do it on my own, that did not work.
The only commitment I was asked of was to give it 90 days.
Could I say that feeling positive is me gaining faith and hope in myself.
The gambling did not control me.
The simple fact each time I escaped to gambling I got weaker and weaker and more vulnerable.
Sadly each lie I lived or told caused me more fears in me.
In time I would write my fears down.
Fear of being honest, fear of emotional intimacy, fear of failing, fear of success, fear of rejection and abandonment, fear of being myself, fear of the opposite s*x, fear of the post, fear of the telephone ringing, fear of humiliation, fear of celebration, fear of not fitting in, fear of even trying some thing new.
Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.
It was important to not understand understand each of my emotional triggers but how to over come my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.
The choice is mine today how much more productive can I be today.
Love and peace to every one.
AKA Dave of Beckeham