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Posted on:
Fri, 28/12/2018 - 14:24

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

186.

Dreams about machines taking monopoly money is a reccurent dream for me...

Posted on:
Tue, 01/01/2019 - 18:57

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

190.

Happy new year.

Sometimes I get lonely and feel I cannot talk to my family because they wouldn't want to hear my problems, because, they are the way I see them and could create more tension. Therefore, I used a very well known helpline to chat over the phone and it really helps.

For at least six months I have been suffering from anxiety and indigestion...Initially I thought that the anxiety was a seperate issue to the indigestion. However, both are linked...Although you can still have one without the other...Well, I came down with flu 3 days ago and stayed in bed. For the 1st 24 hrs the symptons I mentioned disappeared then they came back. I decided to not eat bread whilst sick  and somehow all my symptons have subsided. I didn't want to google anything to do with health but I just had to check out the relationship between anxiety disorders, indigestion & wheat. The evidence is overwhelming and most of the things that make us depressed are just simply down to the foods we are eating.

I know I do not have celic disease although I could still possibly be sensitive to wheat/gluten.

Posted on:
Thu, 03/01/2019 - 16:34

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

192 days.

The battle is a struggle because money doesnt go far. Some very evil people in power don't want to print money to the folks who work for their benefits. But instead they will wave dreams of riches at you eventually making you think that you need to place that bet. Truth is, you dont need to....You just need some more money to make ends meet sometimes...Gambling aint going to bring it for sure although the rch love to prey on the poor so they can profit and they do...

Posted on:
Mon, 07/01/2019 - 02:36

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

196 days

Posted on:
Mon, 07/01/2019 - 04:39

anon1982

Joined:
2013-06-28

Well done on 196 days. I hope some day I can be writing the same. 

Posted on:
Sat, 12/01/2019 - 14:33

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

Thanks Anon.

It hasn't been easy...But I must say to everyone who is addicted to electronic forms of gambling... Stop now! Because in my case gambling triggered severe anxiety disorder and the Fobt's are to blame. They trapped a lot of people by giving them fast bets, high stakes and no returns, leading to an anxious brain...How awful that they put these machines on our high street?

None of the billions made went to good use and several thousands of businesses went under not to mention the suicide, disease, crime and misery that those machines have caused and the government slowly intervenes more than a decade later...Disgusting.

Posted on:
Sat, 12/01/2019 - 14:35

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

205 days.

Started my 1st CBT session and realise that there are a few issues that are unresolved in my mind. One major thing I now know is that money is less valuable than time. I am positive I will overcome my anxiety and become wiser and stronger as I am definitely slowing my pace.

Posted on:
Thu, 17/01/2019 - 11:08

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

206.

Still no gambling.

Posted on:
Wed, 23/01/2019 - 02:46

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

212..

Making progress day by day.

Posted on:
Sun, 27/01/2019 - 02:33

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

216 Days.

Back from work with those negative thoughts again.

I think looking at money is weird. You think you had loads when its gone. But when you have it- it looks like nothing?

Posted on:
Tue, 29/01/2019 - 14:29

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

218 days.

I am over the worst part of my addiction. However, that 1st bet is the game changer...I really do not want to enter that territory!

Posted on:
Thu, 31/01/2019 - 19:28

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Derv kid
Thanks for writing on my thread, I am glad to read that you are actively addressing the issues that lead you to the dark path where the compulsion to gamble looks to take you.
Without doubt in my mind addiction is progressive, as you correctly wrote there are many false dawns on the way, broken promises to quit, rock Bottoms that aren't even close to the bottom.
I described my own gambling life like I boarded a train every day, one which headed straight for a cliff, I willingly rode it, and every day at the last minute it changed it's course, it drove right to the edge and turned, the next day I would jump on board again knowing deep down that I was on a road to know where yet I rode on without care.
I couldn't see another way.
Einstein said it was the definition of madness.
To repeat the same thing over and again and expect the outcome to change.
Life without actively feeding addiction offers a chance to board a different train, one without a defined destination.
The destination is one of our choosing.
Keep making the right choice.
I salute you fella
With strength and honour
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Fri, 01/02/2019 - 02:41

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

Thanks Duncs,

It is difficult to explain emotions on paper. I am inspired by people like you that have the courage to not feed the part of the mind that constantly chatters and tells you that coping isn't worthy...When I failed Ialways took the easy road and ended up punishing myself because I  felt  that I wasnt good enough. I needed to strive for perfection. This tends to repel any positives in life and core beliefs become  twisted and distorted..

The good news is, once we realise that we have been beating ourselves up and tormenting our minds, we can then begin to feel human  and slowly piece together our lives once again.

Even if, during this time, my physical health isnt great I can still survive because that's how tough  I am...

Posted on:
Sat, 02/02/2019 - 00:38

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

Three sitting ducks,

222 days and I have felt this uplifting of my depression...3 weeks of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy unpieced the stress and baggage that I was carrying around with me... £175 well spent.

..I feel almost normal again. Nothing will work except acceptance of all the demons we hold.. The key is yourself...You don't need to find anything, just understand in small chunks the here and now... I tried to stop the fear for over 12months, it was awful..Now it isn't as powerful because its lost the emotional charge that I attached to every thought...Crazy how we can get 'stuck'.

...Life's good

Posted on:
Tue, 05/02/2019 - 15:52

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

225.

Still going strong

Posted on:
Wed, 06/02/2019 - 02:29

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

226..

Just realised that I haven't gambled for 226 days...

Posted on:
Wed, 06/02/2019 - 06:26

NT

Joined:
2017-12-16

226 days is absolutely phenomenal and it must feel so good to feel almost normal again.

Long may this continue, keep up with this strength of yours.

NT

Posted on:
Thu, 07/02/2019 - 17:03

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

Hi NT,

Thanks for the support...I actually was just looking at your diary.

I have been working so much on myself lately, CBT requires lots of work and it has its ups and downs. I found myself awaking yesterday refreshed until I felt my brain turn up its built in alarms- which evidently tightened my muscles and stomach- leaving me anxious. However, I have read a few books and do the homework. What I have found is the research is correct! Nothing I  can do except, ACCEPT.

Accept the losses, accept the heatbreaks, accept every wrong I have acheived...Whether it was bad doesn't really matter anymore...I guess my emotional brain shut down for a considerable amount of time leaving me in fight or flight... Stuck!

Now, my emotions are starting to externalise through my recovery and I'm not quite sure whether I like it? People in general say stuff and it plays on my mind....On the other hand, I was worried more before about what was going on inside...The heart racing, chest pressure, stomach acid...I never really had time to rationalize what people, say think or do...

I now realise that I have traits of many types of disorders.. It's normal!

The physical symptons have been a living hell...The only thing that I can do to cope is welcome it...

I still find it difficult to comprehend that gambling did this to me...It seems like an illusion...Sometimes there is a window of opportunity to gamble and my mind races over the comfort I got from the first bet...How can my mind still try to tempt me? I really ****** myself up..Yet still my mind wants to play with the devil...

I still walk past bookies and still see the same old haunted faces doing the things that I always did...I am still not a better person than anyone..But this time around I am grasping hold of my sanity...

 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 10/02/2019 - 03:25

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

230 days.

It's very early days in my recovery...In fact, it's 230 days since I last gambled but that is only one day since I placed a bet in my mind! Why?...Because of the running away from problems...I need to challenge myself more...

I honestly belive that the level we operate at these days is way below par...Humans have amazing power and unfortunately we will live and die only using a fraction of our capabilities...The greedy rich people know how to utilise their potential and keep it well away from 'Joe Bloggs'. I guess putting the lettuce in a burger day in and out is enough to drive anyone to an arcade for a bit of entertainment..Eh?

Keep strong  & don't let them fool you no more!

Posted on:
Sun, 10/02/2019 - 19:25

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

When I talk about running away from problems; I mean using gambling as a crutch to feel comfortable and secure- and that lady luck promises you a win, to get through the coping.

The times I walked into a betting shop one won instanlty a big win are rare...But, they did happen and it left me always wanting more!... On the other hand, I usually always lost and it happened so many times I have lost count...It instantly turns you into a desperate person that thinks crazy things to get your money back...

....Yet still, the beast is still waiting for me to slip up...It tells me I cannot cope and promises me something for nothing and I know I wont stop when I start.... But it is still waiting!!

One way to cure everyone who has a problem with gambling is to ban all forms of it....The system needs desperate people that cannot cope and use addictive behaviour as a distraction from misery. An ignorant part of society even blames us? ...I am looking at the bigger picture...I also think that looking at the big picture is wrong! Why, because I have no control over it! The media love showing us the big picture..It's a distraction from our self destructive behaviour!

What I can do is, work on me...Stay away from gambling, its bad.

 

 

Posted on:
Fri, 15/02/2019 - 02:33

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

A woman was physically abused by her dad for years. She had terrible mental health issues later on in life. She sought help in her 40's and was advised to write her thoughts on paper. For some time she wrote every single thought down and ended up with pages upon  pages of detail about her abuse. For every single thing that her abuser done to her, she decided to put a stone into a bag, and ended up with at least three bags full of stones. She took the bags to the beach one weekend and one-by-one with her children, threw the stones out to sea.

Years later, she visited her therapist and told her that those bags of stones represented what she had been carrying around with her, for all these years. And for once in her life she felt that she could put all her trauma behind her.

Moral:

There is an underlying reason to every problem and always a sensible way to solve it...

Posted on:
Sat, 16/02/2019 - 03:16

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

236.

I am recovering and feel well...

After 236 days I am starting to get back to myself again.

Posted on:
Sat, 16/02/2019 - 07:14

CJ.

Joined:
2019-02-08

Congratulations on day 236. You are doing great. 

CJ.

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