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#1 Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 19:44

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

Today is the end of gambling, again. I deserve to be happy and be free and to not be caught in a gambling cycle. It is difficult to explain why I do what I do, and the feeling of it all is so overwhelming. I am risking everything for something that is worthless... I may lose my life as I know it but I hope beyond hope that this will not happen. I struggle to know how I will move forward with this but it will be through one day at a time. My biggest battle is going to be when I tell my partner. He is likely to leave me but we are due to get married next year. I need to figure everything out and go from there...

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 21:38

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

So I almost told him, feeling like vomit is going to come up instead of words but I started to tell him.. I said his name as he went to go down stairs and I stopped. I couldn’t carry it on knowing I was going to ruin it all, and with us going on holiday potentially ruin that for him too!

My body over the last few days has been really bad, not being hungry, not holding much food down and feeling run down... 

I know I need to tell him but when do I tell him that I am a complete mess and know he is going to leave me and we will have to sell the house and cancel the wedding and end life as we know it... all because I can’t go the rest of my life without gambling?! 

And the worst bit? Coming to terms with the situation again, the telly is on and a stupid advert for gambling site comes on... when will they put a stop to the constant barrage of adverts and promotions to pry us away from the straight and narrow so that they can put us in an even deeper hole!

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 22:06

Muststop123

Joined:
2017-10-03

Hi Btapp

I would love to give you the answers and tell you everything is going to be ok but I think you know you have a pretty difficult time ahead of you whatever you decide to do. It can get better though.

General advice seems to be you need to be honest and tell your partner everything. Holding anything back is just going to risk your partner finding out later and being even more upset that you pretended to be coming clean when you were not. I know timing is pretty awful with your holiday coming up but until you confess and start getting some help from your partner then you are going to continue to feel terrible and quite possibly carry on gambling as are going to struggle to properly start your recovery. Telling my wife was one of the worst days of my life but it was the start of being able to forgive myself and put actions in place to deal with this evil habit of ours.

You will have to make your own decision and I wish you the best in whatever you decide - don't forget you are not on your own.

Keep posting. 

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 22:17

danp20000

Joined:
2017-10-13

 

Hi btapp

What are you gambling on, is it sports and online? That was my problem as well and those adverts are everywhere they should be banned.

What is you current situation if you don't mind me asking are you in debt? I had to go through 5 years with an iva when it felt like there was no way out. It took a long time but there was a way out and you have start somewhere 

Why would your partner leave you? You need to tell him cause you can't beat this thing alone. It will hurt at first and he probably won't understand but show him the forum and he can see for himself how this effects so many people. 

There is always something you can do to make this right, it's not too late and you have to start somewhere. It gets easier over time 

Hope to hear from you and any questions I will do my best to help 

Dan 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 22:29

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

Hi

Thank you for your support. I have been gambling on and off for 4/5 years now. The last time I told him he said if I do it again then that is it, it’s over. I have shown him the forum but he doesn’t understand that gambling is an addiction and he isn’t willing to consider it, feeling that we have the choices to do what we are doing. He has an instant reaction which will no doubt be ending our relationship as he said he would before but I hope after a short period of time he would change his mind and want to support me through it. In the past I have said about him checking my bank account but he didn’t want to saying I am a grown adult and need to take responsibility for myself.

I have just taken out a new loan paying off my existing loan and taking £1k more then got in my over draft. I will be £850 in my over draft by end of the month, have £850 on credit card which is 0% interest until end of next year and then loan until end of next year which I plan to pay off month maybe two before with over payments. He knows I have a credit card and I have a loan as I always had one paying off past gambling and a new car ... but I  went back again! My demon is slot machines online.. in person I hate parting with cash so if I ever do go in a casino I don’t do more than £20 but online I don’t see the money so for some reason I don’t register it the same way... I just have to figure out the right time to tell him to see what happens to us and our life. We own our house and he pays the mortgage because of my loan, I always make sure I have money to pay any bills to come out but it can be within the over draft so I guess I don’t technically have the money in the first place. 

Posted on:
Mon, 06/11/2017 - 05:59

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

So I have woken up early to the sickening feeling of knowing that I have gone back again to the slots... I have been waking up like this for the past week to two which was the relapse period. Always feeling like I have no one to tell because everyone has had enough of me now and of this. I can’t see a way out that won’t involve me losing so much, but the pain and anxiety of that is no reason to avoid it. I need to be honest in order to move forward... but when they say what’s different this time I honestly don’t know anymore. I want to be able to say so badly that I will never do it again and mean it, after all that’s what I’ve done every other time and meant it... but I know now that it will just be seen as words. I know my mum has been through it all with me and it’s tearing her apart.. my partner doesn’t know about the last time because of the fear of us ending.. the consequence and reality of this situation is overwhelming. Has anyone had relapses and told their family who have continued to be by their side? 

The worst part for me is the wedding next year, my mum is getting the dress because she is amazing but this is £1650 not including alterations! We’re going abroad for the wedding which people have booked now... so for me to tell him and for us to end would be a burden on so many people so yet even more people to hate me because of this disgusting addiction. 

Why do I go back? How do I know this time is it and no more?? Feeling so lost and a complete disappointment to everyone around me. 

Posted on:
Mon, 06/11/2017 - 06:10

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

Sorry guys I am using this as my go to for anything that comes into my head right now..

I’ve got up and gone downstairs. I can’t be in the same bed as him knowing what it is I have done, knowing what is inevitably going to happen and how much I have broken his heart. I think I will tell him today, yet am so worried it will ruin the holiday in two weeks for him.. no doubt he wouldn’t want me to go and how can I blame him?! How can I be the one to be angry at him for anything, he goes to work and does over time and pays almost all the house bills. I go to work, don’t do any overtime because it isn’t an option, and pay off my stupid debts from gambling over the years and then the food for the house. 

I don’t want to lose him, I don’t want to lose my life and I want to marry him he is my soul mate... but I know when I tell him he will just see me as what I am. Worthless, liar, disgusting coward.. 

Then for my Mum.. my rock and best friend? Can she even see her daughter anymore, will she look at me and see some stranger who is incapable of sticking to her word and causing so much pain and destruction around her.. guess I will find out if she has any chance of being able to continue to support me whilst I have yet again thrown another wobbly in this recovery process. 

Today is my new day 0, and is unfortunately going to be the day that changes my life as I know it. 

Posted on:
Mon, 06/11/2017 - 07:50

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Btapp. I'm wife of a cg, have stayed and endured! Things that pop up in your threads are your feelings of worthlessness and how you think that's how your family will see you. Your mum will love you unconditionally, she may not understand but she's got a stake in your behaviour. Your partner is in denial. How can you marry an addict knowingly and not care about their  wellbeing? This is forever, you have to control it and take one day at a time. I see my cg has problems with dealing with stress, emotions, talking. He withdraws into depression and gambles. I set boundaries, took over finance. I wouldn't expect an alcoholic to look after the wine. Some are different and think you should learn to manage your money, but my cg showed me he wasn't responsible so I do it. Marriage and partnerships are about tolerance, love and support. If he knew/knows you're an addict he needs to find out about it. It's foolish to ignore it. He found out before and agreed to continue the relationship. I know that doesn't help your dilemma but maybe they are things you should think about. Turning a blind eye is not helping you. Yes you should tell him, you are afraid because he has laid down rules which you can't promise to keep. Reality is you need to stop regardless of him. This is ruining your mental health. As you say it's not about the money, it's about the feeling. So call gamcare get advice, counselling whatever they offer. Then go to GA. You have to accept you are an addict, a compulsive gambler. Get help. You need to find something else to do, to distract you and fill the need that gambling fills. Don't wait until tomorrow when it could be worse, do something about it today. Good luck!

Posted on:
Mon, 06/11/2017 - 07:50

Muststop123

Joined:
2017-10-03

Btapp wrote:

So I have woken up early to the sickening feeling of knowing that I have gone back again to the slots... I have been waking up like this for the past week to two which was the relapse period. 

Hi Btapp

Sorry you are still feeling so low. Are you still actually gambling or are you waking up with guilt of recent gambling?

If you are still gambling then you need to find a way to find a way to physically stop yourself. Can you destroy your debit/credit cards? Going to be inconvenient but facing your husband or mum and saying you want to stop but still be gambling is going to be even more difficult. 

If you are not sure your husband will understand or be able to support you, could you hand your finances over to your mum, get some counselling/GA help and then sit down with your husband and explain to him the things you have put in place to try and control your problem? 

Sounds like you really need to talk to someone, letting this go round and round in your head is probably making it even worst. I know I was spending every waking hour thinking/worrying about what I had done once I finally understood I had a problem.

Sorry I have no better answers,  just could not leave your messages without reply as you sound so down. Hopefully someone with more experience/knowledge can advise.

Look after yourself.

Posted on:
Mon, 06/11/2017 - 10:37

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

Thank you for your kind support. I have not been gambling it’s the weight of it and the reality of the relapse that’s hitting me hard.

I have spoken to my sister this morning who is the most amazing person in the world. She doesn’t care about anything but me and my well being. She’s got a new born so didn’t want to ruin her day but I had to speak to someone. This has helped me a lot. I have sat down and scrutinised my finances and figured I will be okay in terms of what my plan was. I am fortunate in that I haven’t completely ruined my money again and can continue to live my life and pay the debt off in the timescale I had before.

The one thing I cannot forgive is the companies who plug advert after advert, watching something with 4 different adverts of websites in one ad break for a show! I mean come on... 

I have overcome this before and I think I am so frustrated with me and that I went back that I am struggling to see past that. But I think with time and support I will be okay, we all have to start at day 0 right?

For me and my hubby to be, I am figuring it out how and when to tell him. That is the hardest part.. I know it is likely to be the end. But I hope he can forgive and be there for me, but I know on his side the issue of trust. It’s a big learning curve again but I will get through it 

Posted on:
Mon, 06/11/2017 - 18:35

danp20000

Joined:
2017-10-13

Hi again

Sorry to hear you're struggling I know it's not easy. Firstly remember your debt doesn't sound very big so you can tackle that easily. If you think your debt is big now believe me it will only get worse if you continue to gamble. I went through 5 years of an iva and around 40k debt so have certainly learnt the hard way. 

I know it will be difficult to admit to your partner again but if he really is the one he should support you. I think you need a plan in place as to how this time you are going to quit for good. 

For me I have k9 web blocker set up which my wife has the passcode so I have no idea what it is, you can never beat this unless you have the blocks in place. I am also updating my diary once a week and showing my wife so we can talk about any issues I might have had. 

It is very hard to admit but in the long run you will feel a lot happier instead of keeping things to yourself. 

Speak again soon 

Posted on:
Mon, 06/11/2017 - 19:18

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

Now we are coming to the end of the day I am feeling better. I have decided to not tell my partner until after our holiday. He is so excited for it, we go in two weeks so I think it is unfair to spring this on him before we go.. 

When we get back I will need to figure out how and when is best to tell him. I have got the restrictions on my phone now through apple adult restrictions.

I know it is selfish of me to not want to tell him through fear of losing him and that he deserves to know but my god it’s terrifying!

Posted on:
Mon, 06/11/2017 - 19:38

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

Hi Btapp and welcome to the forum.

I noticed a comment you made regarding the adverts on television. Where you are in your recovery I think it is important to try and focus your energy on things you can change that are directly relevant to you. You are 100% right about them, however like it or not they are here to stay for the time being. If you feel seeing them may be a trigger for you to start thinking about gambling again then try and put a block in place - change channel during advert brakes, if watching a recoded programme then fast forward past the adverts, go make a cup of tea perhaps.

I recently told my partner about my problem and I consider myself very fortunate that she is 100% supportive of me and the choices I now make every day to avoid gambling. It's near impossible for anyone on here to advise on a situation like yours (and plenty of us on here have had to do it), but I think it's great that you found the strength to tell your sister. It also sounds like you are not ready to tell your partner today and I do not think there's anything wrong with that - you have to be 100% ready to do it and face the consequences and from your posts so far I don't think you are at that point yet.

There are plenty of folk on here with lots of experience who will share it with you over time. By starting a diary you are showing that you know what you are doing is wrong and you are taking the first steps to change your life for the better. The chat rooms on here are also worth a visit.

Stay safe and stay GF Btapp.

Posted on:
Mon, 06/11/2017 - 19:52

United2017

Joined:
2017-08-04

 

 Hi Btapp, I agree with the previous message from ste_ven, you need to be sure and ready to tell your partner. I gambled about £10k, and up to yet have decided not to tell my wife. I’m an honest person so it goes against the grain quite a bit. Luckily £10k hasn’t destroyed my life financially and I’m dealing with that and gradually clawing things back as I’ve got a well paid job.

All said and done I’m now 95 days gf, I made a promise to myself to stop on my wife’s birthday, and can honestly say I’m not tempted to go back. I was similar to you with the guilt, I wasn’t sleeping, was depressed and lay next to wife in bed beating myself up about what I’d done to her and my girls!! The only issue I really have is still that guilt from time to time, and even though my wife doesn’t know I’m making it my mission to get everything back to where it was financially.

You can do this, I promise you that you will feel so much better as time goes on, whether you decide to tell your partner or not, that’s your decision and there is no right or wrong.

Good luck 

Posted on:
Tue, 07/11/2017 - 05:58

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

Thank you, honestly the response on here are enough to know I’m not alone and each situation is unique. Thank you United2017 for sharing with me that you haven’t told your wife, I was a bit worried yesterday there was something wrong with me not telling him! But as ste_ven said I am not in the right place to deal with it. 

My sister has been amazing in her support and understands that this is something that I have to be in constant control of or else it skips and look what happens. Thinking about the start of the relapse there was no evident urge (that I thought) to do it... it was rather silent little brain thoughts I guess and before I knew it I was off again. I need to remember to cut off those demons early.. my sister come up with a good idea of committing myself to a short circuit I can do anywhere so if I ever get the urge to do it then do that instead... will also help for the weight loss for the wedding.

One day down forever to go. Thank you all for reading, Btapp 

Posted on:
Tue, 07/11/2017 - 18:26

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

So my sister mentioned something to my mum which I know will have got her thinking about if I have done IT again. She is due to come round soon and she is going to ask and I am going to be honest. Having been crying non stop for the past hour I feel so exhausted. I don’t want to ruin people’s lives anymore with my mistakes I make so I need to be honest and truthful with everyone. That includes my hubby to be...

The likelihood is that we will end, and the house I have no idea what will happen to that. But I can’t lie to him and act like nothing has happened. It’s killing me. I didn’t want to do it before our holiday because he’s so excited about it... but how can I expect him to go on holiday with me not knowing what I’ve done. 

He works nights so I have the option of texting him which I feel is wrong or telling him when he gets in which will be a mess for me in terms of being awake for work for the whole day. But I need to be honest, or else I am swimming in lies that I can’t get out of! 

The fear of losing him is so strong, as is the fear of ruining my mum. But they deserve better than this... I wish I could turn back the clock and take it back but I can’t. I can’t do anything to change what I’ve done all I can do is be honest going forward. Why do I do this to me? To us? Why can’t I say no more and mean it? 

Gamble free for three days and currently happy about that but not much else 

Posted on:
Tue, 07/11/2017 - 18:56

movingforward2017

Joined:
2017-11-06

You can’t say no more and mean it because once an addict always an addict. It’s the harsh truth of it all, watch the YouTube video ‘The role of dopamine in gambling addiction’ - that is why us CG’s always lose, we can’t walk away, we play on until we’ve lost it all to prolong that feeling. Sometimes chasing loses was more exhilarating to me than a win. The whole scene is distasteful, why would any of us want to be gamblers? That’s what people say but this s*** has rewired our brains. We are powerless to it until we confront it, and confront it we must. 

Posted on:
Tue, 07/11/2017 - 19:56

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

So it went exactly as I thought it would with my mum... all I say is just words there is no meaning behind it. I just sit there wallowing in self pity instead of doing something about it. She said I have a choice to do it and I need to stop hiding behind excuses of it all because at the end of the day it is a choice I am making and that’s that. 

So yeah, not great. She wants me to spread my loan over 5 months instead of the year I have to make it more manageable so just done the application and I don’t feel it is the right thing to do! But never mind... have put the request in so will see how that turns out. 

I’m now thinking it isn’t worth telling my partner and ruining our lives over a mistake. But I know so many say it is the right thing to do. Right now I don’t know what the right or wrong this is! I feel he has a right to know but at the same time i know the reaction and every other reaction I have expected to get has turned out exactly as I thought it would.. so that won’t be any different! 

So many emotions and thoughts that go through my brain I have no clue what to do... all I know is I cannot do this again. I will not do this again. I will be happy in myself and I will get to where I want and deserve to be. I need to prove to myself that I can beat this, I am better than this. 

Posted on:
Tue, 07/11/2017 - 22:44

movingforward2017

Joined:
2017-11-06

I think choice is such a light way to put it personally. We don’t chose to gamble in the manor we chose what we’re having for dinner. It sounds to me like you need to take your family to a GA meeting, or try and open their eyes a little. I feel sorry for the fact that no one is helping you with your emotional state currently. These negative feelings can motivate gambling behaviour. Most of us CG’s have low self value and are impatient. We attempt to solve that by clicking some buttons and trying to multiple our networth. It’s all so ridiculous, we need to stop.

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 05:45

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

Day 3, I keep on forgetting what day of the week it is! 

It is mad it has only been 3 days considering I was a year away from it all... the chat with Mum was horrendous, making me question a lot about me. The decision of telling hubby to be is a spinning disc in my mind, one side is yes and one is no. I have no idea what the right path to take is when it comes to that. 

I am feeling motivated to sort my finances out and sort my mental state but feel very alone in that journey. 

I don’t know what the solution is to my situation right now, not sure there is one. But I have to keep on waking up everyday and keep going 

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 07:54

YorkshireLad

Joined:
2017-11-07

Hi Btapp

Very interesting reading your journal. The decision of telling your husband or not seems to be your biggest choice. Don't feel guilty for not telling him if you feel that's the best thing to do in terms of your situation then do it. But if it's going to constantly wear you down then id tell him. As the gamble free days pass, you will learn to love yourself which you need to learn to do and fast. You can't keep beating yourself up an gambling addiction is an illness, although some of the mess is undoubtly your fault not all of it is. Please when you feel low, talk to your sister she seems a good outlet and you seem to be happier or in a clearer place when speaking to her or just write something in here like you have been doing. You can stay gamble free!!

Yorkshire Lad.

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 19:27

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

On speaking to my mum we’ve been here so many times before and she’s trying to figure out each time how she can support me. She has said the same thing in that I make the choices I make yes it is an addiction but an element of it is my choice to and I need to own it. I am feeling a lot better now and that’s because of this diary and speaking to her and my sister. I am frustrated that I was doing so well and have gone back to the start but I need to let that go and focus on the now because that is what I have control of. 

Sure the journey ahead isn’t going to be easy but I will face it optimistically and fight for a healthy life

Posted on:
Wed, 15/11/2017 - 18:48

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

So it has been a week and a couple of days and I feel better for telling my mum and sister. The biggest battle I face is telling my partner but I don’t know what to do with that yet... we will see what happens. Hopefully I get through this and don’t go back.. have to remind myself it is stopping me from moving forward 

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 19:06

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

It bas So I’m now panicking again that I haven’t budgeted my money enough to allow for us to do things every month. But realistically I shouldn’t have to fund us doing stuff every week of the year.. we should be able to do stuff just us with the dog. 

It has been hard with these thoughts because then comes oh if I just try a tenner who knows... but I need to break that cycle. Work has been stressful as hell and I get home exhausted and wanting to unwind... my habit that my brain has developed is escape through the world of slots. That isn’t the answer and the energy it takes mentally to try to break that is tough but I need to stick with it 

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 20:37

Crossintheroad

Joined:
2017-11-03

Hi btapp if you can't tell your partner then don't but what u must do is be strong and stop. Let a month or so pass and pay off what you can. You will soon recover. Don't whatever you do think you can gamble to pay off any loans because you can't. It will get better. Every day you don't gamble it will get better

Posted on:
Sun, 10/12/2017 - 21:54

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

So I went to America and there was no adverts anyway and it was bliss. 

My greatest fear is my partner finding out and the lies and betrayal that will unfold resulting in the ending of our relationship. I cannot allow this and I have to sort my life out once and for all! I can and will work on myself to better my mental state and refuse to allow myself to be in a position where I may gamble 

 

Posted on:
Mon, 11/12/2017 - 00:03

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

Sunday 10th December,

I do not enjoy gambling. I do not want to gamble. The betting companies are constantly there trying to entice people in to bet with them. These adverts need to be ignored, I will not even think how ridiculous they sound. 

daily I will log on and remind myself that the only way to have money is to not waste it through means of gambling. No one wins but the companies! I could sit there and gamble for hours with thousands of pounds and only have debt. That is not me. That is a version of me who has been moulded by the gambling bug. I will shape this out through the support of my family. 

I am a good person, I deserve happiness and a reasonably good life. I will learn to live with my demons and not let them take the wheel of my life again. 

 

I hope that those people who relapse know that it isn’t your fault entirely but you need to own the actions made. You need to take the wheel and need to drive your Life in the direction you want to take. Seek support from your close family/friends and use the recovery diary in any way best for you. 

Posted on:
Tue, 12/12/2017 - 22:45

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

I am feeling optimistic.. the urges are very much there but the blocks are in place and I can talk to my friend and family members when I need to. It is very much about learning more about me and my worries and anxieties and inner feelings whilst accepting that it was me and my actions that lead to this situation. No one said it would be easy, but to improve my life and be truly happy I need to be happy with me. A change in life style must start now. 

Posted on:
Thu, 14/12/2017 - 20:51

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

the So I haven’t been counting the days but they are now up to 39 days gf. It would be foolish to say it has been easy.. going on holiday to America in a country where gambling isn’t allowed has certainly helped! Coming back here just made me realise how ingrained in our daily lives gambling is! Majority of advert breaks has an ad in it.. it’s crazy! And to top it off I read in the news that kids are now getting addicted to gambling through an online game. How these things are going on I do not know, but it is out of my control so I can’t focus my energy on it.

I haven’t told my partner as of yet, the anxiety in the outcome is overpowering at this moment in time. I can’t tell him what has changed this time until I know... so I need to figure me out and how I am going to live the rest of my life with no gambling. I think for all of us there is always a hold over us, once we cross that line it has us in its grasp. But it’s about being strong enough to stand up to it.. I will not be controlled by gambling. I am looking into counselling but through different method to gamcare at this moment in time. I have a friend at work who is a great support also. 

I hope everyone is taking that next stop forward into breaking this. The biggest change so far for me is accepting that it was me who did this, I acted upon thoughts and urges. No one pushed me into it, so I need to stop playing the victim and start being my own hero in recovering from this. 

Posted on:
Tue, 26/12/2017 - 20:31

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

I think for me being lonely is a big part of doing it. It passes the time that I am on my own, so one thing out of what I think is a list of things going on in my mind causing me to go back. I didn’t go back today, but I had the thoughts and could’ve easily done it if it wasn’t for me reminding myself of all the reasons why I shouldn’t do it and what a waste it was. I need to set my sights on my future and present.. set my self goals and go from there. 

Posted on:
Thu, 28/12/2017 - 21:29

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

So today our washing machine decided to break. Just another string in the bow of things going wrong in the house. My partner got so angry and stressed and is frustrated about needing to spend money when we’re trying to save for a wedding. And my heart sank, my anxiety spiked and I felt a crushing inside that I have put my finances into the debt hole from my last stint online. My anxiety and depression overwhelmed me but I managed to keep myself appearing okay on the outside. 

I came on here to look at support and saw on the new members forum partners of cg contemplating leaving and not wanting to get married and my fears multiplied. How can I tell him and leave it in tatters but then how can I not and expect him to be okay if he finds out?! I just need to sleep and try to calm myself down but my god am I so disappointed in myself that I went back! 

Posted on:
Thu, 28/12/2017 - 21:30

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

But do want to say I haven’t gone back since starting this thread .. but the pain is still raw

Posted on:
Sat, 30/12/2017 - 08:21

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

So at work yesterday it was rather quiet and I needed to send some bank statements off for complaint I am making against payday company when I was heavily gambling. I decided to count up the total I gambled since starting in 2012. I have always ignored my last stint because it was in the past and I wanted to forget about it as I thought that would’ve helped in my recovery (and obviously didn’t!!) I have to say a flurry of emotions over came me when I realised how much it was. Yes some money I withdrew to then use again but it is a lot of money. Seeing it there in black and white has opened my eyes to how much I have wasted over these years. 

I have to say it is s deterent tool for me in the future, I have saved the amount as a note on my phone so if I ever get an urge my go to is to that note and I hope it will stop me in my tracks. 

In regards to my recovery, I have blocked myself from every single site I have used but as people say there are ways to find new sites and get around blocks if my mental state is adamant I need to gamble. But I am determined and have put in a number of strategies to not allow that to happen again. 

2018 is going to be my year in accepting me for me, loving me for me, looking after myself like I deserve and be an overall happy person. I am so excited for this and cannot wait for my future. My past will always be a part of me and I embrace every decision and step I have taken, it is only one person who made every decision and that was me... no one forced me, there’s no excuses I can throw out there. Owning my actions and taking responsibility has been the biggest hurdle for me and thanks to my mum I have done just that. 

Wishing everyone an amazing new year and hope that those who have identified as being an addict will overcome it.

Posted on:
Mon, 08/01/2018 - 22:12

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

So I am 64 days GF. Good. I’m not going to lie and say I am happy with it as I know it could’ve been so much better if I hadn’t relapsed. But I will persevere. No more urges to do it, I have committed myself to goals of living a healthy life and I have focused my attention on that. Tomorrow will mark my first week of full healthy eating and I have to be honest and say I feel so much better already! 

Yes the money and betrayal is still there for me to remember but I am choosing to use it as learning instead of dwelling on this. I think once I’m out of debt my anxieties will reduce a lot as I want to save money not spend it paying back money that I have nothing to show for than sorrow pain and anxiety. 

Reading back my journal I remember writing the first post and the emotions I had, but from there to now I am a different person. And I am proud of that. 

I accept me for me, a CG who can get moody and stubborn but one who can now accept her actions are her own and no one else’s. 

Posted on:
Sun, 28/01/2018 - 20:48

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

84 days gamble free. Am I happy in myself? Mostly. Am I feeling any urge to gamble? No. Do I have lots of money now? No, as I am paying off my debts. Do I see an end to this cycle? Yes.

I have been reading some posts on this website recently and can’t help but notice in some occasions the opinions of some outweigh the support they are trying to offer. In my situation I have not told my partner and I guess it can be argued it is partly due to self preservation but it is more around ruining both our lives for the sake of a minor relapse. Since this time I have had my realisation moment, I have taken full responsibility for my actions and understand now it has been me all along and to stop hiding behind the term addiction or blaming the bookies for luring me in. I have stopped being the victim and taken action in my mind. 

I have told two of my loved ones who have been supportive throughout, as I know they always will be no matter what I face in my life. Their support has been mixed, with some tough love and hard to hear words. But this too helped me climb out of my victim pit I had wedged myself into. 

I say today and every day I will never be in that position again, and I firmly believe it. I know it is hard to understand, and it is hard to explain but I know that it is the truth. The changes mentally I have gone through recently have given me a new perspective on everything and gambling is not something that I am interested in. I know for purposes of my recovery I need to continue to read peoples stories and post on my diary to remind me of where I am now and the issues we all face when we gamble. But I do not have daily thoughts of gambling or wanting to do so. I know once my loan is paid off this year I will finally be done with the debt. And my god will I be ecstatic on that final day. 

Here’s to always looking at the next steps whilst remembering what we’re leaving behind on this journey. 

Posted on:
Wed, 07/02/2018 - 22:30

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

94 days gamble free. No urge, still can’t fully forgive myself for the situation I am in but I’m looking forward and learning from the past. Onwards and upward 

Posted on:
Tue, 13/03/2018 - 15:45

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

128 days gamble free, where has the time gone?! Recent issues with the house has made me so angry that I got myself in this position and so annoyed that I was covering up my decisions by saying it’s not my fault I am an addict and can’t help it. It was my fault, I did it and that’s that. That has been the biggest turn around for me. My partner doesn’t know, I have been so strong with defeating this for the last time I have my support network in place and everything is gone as it should be. The only way is forwards, never back.

Posted on:
Mon, 30/04/2018 - 20:34

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

176 days gamble free. Feel goood about this. My way of dealing with this finally has been to accept responsibility for me actions and to work out the amount I spent on gambling. Realising the amount I have spent was huge! I always ignored this amount only thinking about the last time I did it. I’m glad I did it but it was extremely hard. One of the drives of gambling was being in debt, which I was in because of gambling in the first place! Come October I won’t be in debt anymore, I will be free of debt and be free to save up for my honeymoon and to do things to our house. I am beyond excited

Posted on:
Fri, 25/05/2018 - 23:58

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

201 days free. Not a day goes by that I miss it or wish I could do a little spin.. I am repulsed by it! 

I am so glad I finally listened to the tough love from my mum and accepted responsibility for my actions and my situation. As with anything the only person that stands in your way of being the best you is you! No matter what way you put it.. I also find keeping a note of the amount I’ve wasted over the years helpful to fully understand what I’ve wasted so it acts as a deterrent. 

Posted on:
Sat, 26/05/2018 - 00:05

Hardly27

Joined:
2018-05-09

Congratulations btapp you've done amazingly well very proud of how far you've come. Keep going you've definitely got this

Posted on:
Sat, 26/05/2018 - 11:46

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hi Btapp,

Congratulations on your 202 days gamble free, it looks like you are working really hard at your recovery and are reaping the rewards. 

Keep up the good work and keep posting.

All the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Posted on:
Tue, 14/08/2018 - 13:52

Btapp

Joined:
2015-06-02

Haven’t been on here in a little while .. 282 days gamble free now. Still not wanting to do it, happy in myself and next month is the last payment on my loan! I have to admit years ago I didn’t see a way out of debt but I’ve kept on and made over payments and here I am. Yes it’s been hard in believing in me and keeping myself happy but I’ve been on a journey and it doesn’t stop. So pleased I have (to my best ability so far) beaten this!