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Sports betting addict and recovering

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#1 Posted on:
Thu, 15/02/2018 - 05:27

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

          So Here I am... After losing 13k from my last relapse, I became aware that what I am going to do next will be a life or death situation. What I mean by that is if I don't quit gambling, I might end up doing something really harmful to myself because I am well aware that suicide rate is very high among gambling addicts. Before I reach that point, I will do what it takes to recover. 

          I am genearlly good with money but only when I gamble, I lose all my common sense and become out of control. It is a humbling experience to reach the lowest points of my life again and again because of gambling. 

Here are what I want to fulfill in my life after gambling left me scared of life and in the dark:

  • to regain my financial strength
  • to forget about the losses and to forgive myself
  • to get to know people who had the same experience as I had in the past and who are recovering as well
  • to replace gambling with healthy hobbies and habits
  • not to gamble again when I am lonely, depressed or when I have any urges

 

I will live one day at a time and also will live a smiple and happy life that doesn't involve gambling.

- merlins

Posted on:
Thu, 15/02/2018 - 06:35

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

          Two days away to my next paycheck. It will give me some strength to my finance. I won't be spending much these days due to the large amount of guilt I have from my betting losses. Also I postponed my most needed vacation due to the losses. I will try to consider about that vacation after several months. Yeah that's what gambling left me with. All the guilt, self-hate and financial hardship.

          Tomorrow, I will go to a GA meeting for the first time. I don't want to go but I have to convince myself it is a part of my recovery.

Posted on:
Thu, 15/02/2018 - 07:14

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

I was thinking about the recent triggers that might send me back to betting. There are two in recent.

Number one is to chase losses. Since I am angry at myself for losing and the amount of money that I have lost is a lot, I want it back sometimes honestly.

Number two trigger is boredom. I often find myself lonely and very bored. And that moment I have an extreme urge to gamble. 

Posted on:
Thu, 15/02/2018 - 11:51

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

If I have to review my last relapse that drained my two years of saving 13k, it started all with boredom. I have gotten out of relationship for 3 years and a few friends I have were busy with their life. So I kept checking on sports news to ease boredom. One day a friend started talking about stock market and how much she is making. All of the sudden, my gambling urge triggered after hearing that. I started betting on sports again even though I thought I got a good grip on not gambling after one year of gambling free. For many times, I educated myself what gambling can do to me and I also already had really bad experience with betting on myself. But still.... betting sneaked into my life again.

After all that last relapse happened, I now have a bit of urge to chase what I have lost because it took me two years to save those money. 

Posted on:
Thu, 15/02/2018 - 12:05

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Hi Merlins,

thanks for your post, you and I are alike then, I always turned to gambling when I was upset or depressed. It's taken me months to get where I am but I'm so fragile that someone only needs to hurt me and I go backwards again. Not eating or sleeping properly, not cleaning, not shaving etc etc, it is just **** all we want is to feel normal but it certainly helps me that I am not gambling, at least I can see small progress financially, I'm just isolated and lonely. Keep srong buddy.

Wilsy

Posted on:
Thu, 15/02/2018 - 12:11

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Thank you, Wilsy.

Posted on:
Fri, 16/02/2018 - 07:08

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

I don't go out these days even on my dayoffs. It coule be the depression that last betting spree gave me or it could be I am simply depressed. All I know is I still have a will to turn the situation around. So I will settle with that thought. I will go out and will enjoy my life again when I am ready.

I have paid 75% of my bills for this month. I am trying to think of the last relapse as an enpensive vacation with a valuable life lesson so that I can be a bit more relaxed on the loss. Also I am aware that there is an urge to chase the loss back. Being alone and not willing to go out give me another urge to gamble.

I don't want to go out until I see some money in my bank account again. On the positive light, my life is more organised since I stopped betting five days ago and being in the forum and seeing people with similar experience give me a great relief. My suicidal thoughts diminish as well.

So today is my fifth day on not betting.

Posted on:
Fri, 16/02/2018 - 10:42

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Hi Merlins,

want to post to you this morning as you and I are very alike, if it might help, maybe you and I can be friends on facebook or something, let me know would be happy to talk with you more or give you my number if it might help.

I don't go out either only to my mums, I don't see any of my masses of friends and it is depression mate, so maybe it might be best to go and see the gp and get yourself on some antidepressants to just take the edge off things for you, 20mg will do it. I too just have the will to remain gamble free even though the rest of my life is ******. If I go back to gambling I could just begin going downhill again rapid and then comes the thoughts of ending it, that is a place I don't want to return to.

On a positive you have paid 75% of your bills for the month, I have taken great satisfaction managing my own money again and paying out over 75% of my bills on payday every month including paying family back and my debt management plan, keep doing this, leave yourself as little money as possible but enough so you don't feel stressed or depressed.

There will be urges when we are alone and sitting around, try watching a TV series or playing a computer game, that is what I do, I am not at the stage yet where I can move or go on walks or go to the gym or even clean my place so I play football manager on my laptop and watch mafia series, Gomorra, El Chapo and Narkos are ones to try if you like that sort of thing, look them up.

Money will improve for you but if you feel for the time being that you want to stay in and not spend anything then that is your choice and a responsible one because I am doing the same although I buy ****, chocolate, crisps and take aways far too often, you've got to have some things that makes you happy.

You have realised your life is becoming more organised and you are using this forum and getting support. I life with suicidal thoughts as well mate, they are absolutely awful but mine have faded through not gambling and yours will too once you get to 50 or 100 days gamble free.

Well done on 5 days, so early in your recovery, you will feel so much better in a few weeks I promise you.

Wilsy

Posted on:
Fri, 16/02/2018 - 12:55

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Thank you, Wilsy. Your words are much appreciated. According to one of your suggestions, I decided to start taking my medicine again.

Posted on:
Fri, 16/02/2018 - 13:32

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

well done mate, good stuff, hang in there buddy I promise you will get through this and everything else

Wilsy

Posted on:
Fri, 16/02/2018 - 23:25

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

I have an urge because I am bored at work. I tend to forget about what gambling does to me when I have an urge.

Posted on:
Sat, 17/02/2018 - 02:30

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Due to my depression, I have low energy and it takes a lot of effort to go work everyday. So sometimes I urge the high and excitement from betting to keep be alive and energetic.

Posted on:
Sat, 17/02/2018 - 15:18

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Yesterday I got home from work significantly being tired. I got some sleep and woke up fresh. And I took my medication for second day. Since I have a lot time before I go to work, I want to bet. There are Premier League games today. Somewhere from my mind told me it would be nice if I get some money back from the losses. Part of me agree with it because it's too painful everytime I think about the losses.

Compulsive gambling messes up my movtivation to work and keeps making me to go back to make easy money back with betting. After losing that amount of money, daily work doesn't movitate me anymore since it will take years to recover from the losses by working a regular job. The losses will be haunting me for some period of time, no matter how I talk into myself. 

These days while I am not betting I started thinking about my ex again and am depressed. It seems like gambling is an instant fix for everything like using drug. It numbs the pain.

Posted on:
Sat, 17/02/2018 - 18:47

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Hello Merlins,

A fellow sports bettor addict here. I myself had 10.5k debt from gambling. For me the best way to forget about the money wasted is to think about it as any other past spending. Am i hoping to get any of that money back? Nope. Money comes and goes, its doesn't matter to me today how it went. I've earnt and borrowed so much in my life time and my management of that income has lead me here. Now i am not gambling i can look to better manage any future income but i cannot get back what has come and gone so far. Gambling was a waste of money but stopping has taught me a lot of things about myself and the possibilities of my future without it. Yes i am and will still be paying for my past for a long time but as long as down is the only way its going, it will go. Time will move on with or without me gambling and i intend to use whatever time i have left better and enjoy it.

All the best =)

Posted on:
Sun, 18/02/2018 - 00:13

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

I agree with you too. I am trying to think of it as a past expense. It is an unpleasant expense that taught me an expensive life lesson. Thanks /sjwsjw

Posted on:
Sun, 18/02/2018 - 06:47

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Meditation is good. It clears my head. When deluded thoughts are not hanging out in my head, my body gets a lot lighter. I learned here the relationship between mind and body. For the first time in a very long time, the dark cloud from my head was gone.. at least for a short period.. I am happy. Meditation found me. Happiness starts from whithin.

Posted on:
Mon, 19/02/2018 - 17:00

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

I have been struggling with the thoughts of betting. It is similar feeling as missing my ex. After the breakup, I seemed happy and relieved but after some time, I started missing her again and became desperate. Now it is a bit worse because these two things are happening at the same time.

Posted on:
Mon, 19/02/2018 - 17:50

DeterminedDan

Joined:
2016-09-08

Hello Merlin, I’ve been having a read of your diary this afternoon. 

Likewise, I was a keen sports gambler. I’m currently in the process of trying to find enough things to keep me away from any thoughts of gambling whilst at the same time trying to come to the realisation that gambling can play no further part in my life. It’s difficult. Gambling has strangely been my comfort blanket in times of boredom and when I’ve needed to escape reality. 

I now need to find something else to replace it with. Something that will give me the same drive and excitment. 

But I am determined to make it count this time. A lifetime of happiness and freedom awaits us.

You’ve got a start in your recovery. The first few days are always tough.

Good luck mate. I’ll be posting and checking up on your progress. 

Posted on:
Mon, 19/02/2018 - 18:00

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

A several months until I get my financial strength back and then I might be able to forget the losses. At the same time, I have to deal with boredom and emptiness inside. Betting seems a really good quick fix to everything.. only that it is not healthy. Thank you, Dan, for checking up on me. I am needing a lot of support lately.

DeterminedDan wrote:

Hello Merlin, I’ve been having a read of your diary this afternoon. 

Likewise, I was a keen sports gambler. I’m currently in the process of trying to find enough things to keep me away from any thoughts of gambling whilst at the same time trying to come to the realisation that gambling can play no further part in my life. It’s difficult. Gambling has strangely been my comfort blanket in times of boredom and when I’ve needed to escape reality. 

I now need to find something else to replace it with. Something that will give me the same drive and excitment. 

But I am determined to make it count this time. A lifetime of happiness and freedom awaits us.

You’ve got a start in your recovery. The first few days are always tough.

Good luck mate. I’ll be posting and checking up on your progress. 

Posted on:
Mon, 19/02/2018 - 19:45

DeterminedDan

Joined:
2016-09-08

Looking at it positively, betting can be a quick fix..... but looking at it more realistically, it is an absolute death trap. 

It might take a week, it may take a month. It may even take 6 months. But the end result will always be the same. 

Now is the perfect opportunity to write the next chapter in your story. Things are about to get a whole lot better. For as long as you’re not gambling, things can only go one way. But whilst you’re gambling, things may improve slightly on a temporary basis but it’ll all come crashing down. 

How messed up is this?.... On Friday night I lost £150 on roulette. I was gutted. On Saturday morning I won £60. I was delighted. I felt so relieved. The reality was I was still £90 down from the weekend (and about £400 down for the month). But my mind was tricked into thinking I was ahead. That’s what this game does to you. It’s time to leave mate. 

You joining me? Fancy being a winner in life again?

Posted on:
Mon, 19/02/2018 - 21:28

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hi merlins,
Thanks for your message. I've left a reply on my diary. I hope this is of some help to you.
All good wishes x

Posted on:
Tue, 20/02/2018 - 07:28

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

 

 

DeterminedDan wrote:

Looking at it positively, betting can be a quick fix..... but looking at it more realistically, it is an absolute death trap. 

It might take a week, it may take a month. It may even take 6 months. But the end result will always be the same. 

Now is the perfect opportunity to write the next chapter in your story. Things are about to get a whole lot better. For as long as you’re not gambling, things can only go one way. But whilst you’re gambling, things may improve slightly on a temporary basis but it’ll all come crashing down. 

How messed up is this?.... On Friday night I lost £150 on roulette. I was gutted. On Saturday morning I won £60. I was delighted. I felt so relieved. The reality was I was still £90 down from the weekend (and about £400 down for the month). But my mind was tricked into thinking I was ahead. That’s what this game does to you. It’s time to leave mate. 

You joining me? Fancy being a winner in life again?

Thank you for enlightening me, Dan. I lost a lot in the past and if I go back betting, my bettings will be big... meaning I could be losing big too. But at the end, like you said, it may take one day or one year, I will be poor as **** if I gamble for a long term. (I had to read what you said again since I am having thoughts about putting an large bet and quit betting.)

Posted on:
Wed, 21/02/2018 - 22:35

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Had a relapse. I put a few bets on online roulette and some football matches. I didn't lose but I will stay out of betting as much as I can. Day zero again.

Posted on:
Wed, 21/02/2018 - 23:26

Jayjam

Joined:
2017-08-09

​Hey Merlins, You didn't lose but can you walk away and start day 1 again tomorrow? Or are you going to wait for the loss before you do it? Not sure I would be able too but I really hope you can. Good luck, Mate.!

Posted on:
Thu, 22/02/2018 - 08:39

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Thank you for your support, JayJam.

Jayjam wrote:

​Hey Merlins, You didn't lose but can you walk away and start day 1 again tomorrow? Or are you going to wait for the loss before you do it? Not sure I would be able too but I really hope you can. Good luck, Mate.!

Posted on:
Thu, 22/02/2018 - 10:50

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Hi Merlins,

it sounds like you just needed to get a couple of bets done to get it out of your system, I've felt like that many a time, just a release to get rid of an itch! You did no damage and now hopefully you feel a bit better for it and can move forward. 

It's no big deal fella, you will hopefully gamble less days than you will gamble this year, just move forward.

Have a good day pal

Wilsy

Posted on:
Thu, 22/02/2018 - 16:01

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Here is my reply to you mate copied from my diary, thanks for your support, Wilsy

'Hi Merlins, relationships and loss of loved ones and loss of pets make me ever so depressed and then it takes over so it is all a lot to deal with and is hard to get out when it is always raining! It will get easier for us both at least we are both on medication, it does take the edge off things especially at the beginning, I just wish there weren't so many ********* in the world, or I need to avoid *********, that is probably the better option. All the best mate.

Wilsy

Posted on:
Fri, 23/02/2018 - 02:04

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Okay.. my relapse just ended now. I lost 1k in total during these few days. Let me get back to renewed recorvery now.

Posted on:
Fri, 23/02/2018 - 02:28

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Another relapse is over. So I need to get things out of my chest here a bit. At first, I thought I was in control and I was able to stop when I won but eventually compulsion kicked in and it all went back to the old way. Also I can't simply balance my life such social, work, finance if I am gambling. Yeah I am depressed now. The hardest thing about quitting is I am always alone and bored. I kind of hate myself now.

Posted on:
Fri, 23/02/2018 - 02:42

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Also I have tried my ways and many times. All the sport games results and online roulette results are very random. And I tried to beat them with system. I can't simply win in the long run. Plus there is a compulsive mind of a gamble and anger when loss. I have tried many times to dicipline myself on betting but I always failed at the end. Now I am so scared my next urges knock the door again. It seems like everytime a relapse ends.. it not only takes my money but also mental strength. Each time.. my mental strength lessens and depression gets worse.

keywords here: depression, self-hate, defeated, another money loss.