GamCare Logo
Login / Register

Renaissance

10 posts / 0 new
Last post
Posted by
Messages
#1 Posted on:
Mon, 14/01/2019 - 00:42

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

So I am entering day 3 gf and I want to begin a positive diary to build up my strength to deal with all the problems that I have created again. I was sick of looking at my last thread (and journey) since 2015 when I first joined and started to address my gambling issues.

I have always left the forum in the past when I have felt recovered, only to relapse when I had conveniently forgotten that I am a compulsive gambler and felt that I could safely enjoy a bet. Obviously not. This time I was winning on sports bets, cooling off and then winning. Then of course my strategy failed I began losing, chased, switched into roulette and lost thousands. From carefully paying off debts I am now in more debt than ever. It will take another couple of years to pay off. 

So here we go again. I have excluded and am thinking a lot about the addiction process

.I posted on another thread how I was feeling numb after this latest relapse - my most spectatcular ever - and I am still at that point. I am wondering though why I don't feel the self-loathing that I used to feel after losing so much and I think it is because I have gone into shock/denial mode although I worked on this kind of stuff a lot when I had therapy. I have felt so ashamed and full of self-hate after previous binges, but this time I have disassociated those feelings. I just feel disappointed,with myself. But not down and out anymore. Financially I am rock bottom but not emotionally. I don't want those horrible self-loathing feelings but I just hope I can recover without them. I am probably just burying them. I am really too old for all of this now. One day at a time.

 

Posted on:
Mon, 14/01/2019 - 07:17

DrDave

Joined:
2019-01-11

One day at a time. You have gone periods without gambling before and I am sure you can do it again. Like you say this time don't close your account here as the support (I've found) is extremely beneficial. Don't beat yourself up about the relapse as that is once the past now and you have already had 3 good days.

I am much in the same position financially rock bottom. Two weeks ago I was emotionally rock bottom too but through doing lots of reading (various items, here, self development forums, eating healthy etc etc) and eating healthily I am now beginning to see life is worth living and I cannot change the past. I can learn from my mistakes too make a better future though.

All the best on another gf day you can do this 

Dave 

Posted on:
Mon, 14/01/2019 - 22:41

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Well another day. Am trying to force myself to invoice some work that I’ve done freelance and get the tax return sorted.

Seems somehow futile given what I have done and the thousands I’ve lost but I must be grateful that I do have quite a good income and I suppose I just have to dig in and start the repayment process.What a drag. Working so many hours just to pay off debts. 

This is the consequence I just have to get on with it. This joke isn’t funny anymore. 

I must focus away from money and onto positive change in other ways. It’s difficult though when coming out of a blitz. 

One day at a time. 

 

 

 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 17/01/2019 - 00:46

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Well day 6.

Slowly but surely. 

One day at a time 

Posted on:
Thu, 17/01/2019 - 06:39

Martin67

Joined:
2010-08-17

Well done on 6 days. That's a good achievement. 

Taking one day at a time is definitley the best strategy. 

Posted on:
Fri, 18/01/2019 - 10:07

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Hello friends 

One week in and no inclination to gamble. Feeling quite flat but work remains busy. I know if I am to abstain for a long period I need to deal with some fundamental issues and start acting in my own best interests. As gamblers we tend not to do this. I have started with practical steps (tax return, dealing with certain work issues I had put off for no good reason etc) but I am aware that the deeper issues need resolving. I got a lot from therapy. It really helped me unburden the shame I had carried on my shoulders (both gambling and non-gambling related) for years. I reached a point however where the ball was in my court in terms of moving forward. Could I have a richer, honest more fulfilling and connected personal life? Could I be a an easy, decent loving partner?

Not yet, but I know that’s important for recovery and it’s not so easy for me to move forward. I don’t know why.I think still there is something stopping me from really connecting with life - good or bad - which leaves a kind of inner loneliness/emptiness.

I have good people around I can talk to and have started to do so.

One step and one day at a time.

Posted on:
Fri, 18/01/2019 - 19:24

Lil30

Joined:
2018-09-12

Well done on the first week, it sounds like you are fighting the good battle here and doing all the right things! Good luck with everything.

Posted on:
Sun, 20/01/2019 - 11:13

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Well day 9 today 

Thanks for the support people.

Duncs was saying in a recent  post how he often thinks about those who have left the forum over the years. It’s true many leave. Some like me return when they relapse, others don’t. I am sure some make it and live GF but in my head I think that many go back to gambling. Most  of us have relapsed and it takes a lot of self-awareness and mental effort to keep away for good. 

So I need to recognise a simple fact. That I cannot win as I cannot stop. I will lose in the longer term and I will have a life of debt. My life will not be fulfilling. I will be forever obsessed with money throwing anything I earn away. 

I need this to be the last time.

Stay gf friends 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 20/01/2019 - 15:26

Anewbeginning

Joined:
2019-01-13

This forum does really show this disease is a disease. Everybody has the same emotions —- even a he recovery threads begin similarly. 

Posted on:
Tue, 22/01/2019 - 07:56

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Day 11

The days do pass quickly.

It’s hard not to think about the financial damage, particularly when it’s not the first time and I’ve  relapsed badly before. 

I must have had the same resolve, the same good intentions before not to gamble but I somehow forgot the consequences of gambling, lied to myself and pretended I was in control.

I am really tired of having to pick up the pieces again This time I hope I have learned.

Sometimes it’s hard to be positive but I will keep going.