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Renaissance

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#1 Posted on:
Mon, 14/01/2019 - 00:42

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

So I am entering day 3 gf and I want to begin a positive diary to build up my strength to deal with all the problems that I have created again. I was sick of looking at my last thread (and journey) since 2015 when I first joined and started to address my gambling issues.

I have always left the forum in the past when I have felt recovered, only to relapse when I had conveniently forgotten that I am a compulsive gambler and felt that I could safely enjoy a bet. Obviously not. This time I was winning on sports bets, cooling off and then winning. Then of course my strategy failed I began losing, chased, switched into roulette and lost thousands. From carefully paying off debts I am now in more debt than ever. It will take another couple of years to pay off. 

So here we go again. I have excluded and am thinking a lot about the addiction process

.I posted on another thread how I was feeling numb after this latest relapse - my most spectatcular ever - and I am still at that point. I am wondering though why I don't feel the self-loathing that I used to feel after losing so much and I think it is because I have gone into shock/denial mode although I worked on this kind of stuff a lot when I had therapy. I have felt so ashamed and full of self-hate after previous binges, but this time I have disassociated those feelings. I just feel disappointed,with myself. But not down and out anymore. Financially I am rock bottom but not emotionally. I don't want those horrible self-loathing feelings but I just hope I can recover without them. I am probably just burying them. I am really too old for all of this now. One day at a time.

 

Posted on:
Mon, 14/01/2019 - 07:17

DrDave

Joined:
2019-01-11

One day at a time. You have gone periods without gambling before and I am sure you can do it again. Like you say this time don't close your account here as the support (I've found) is extremely beneficial. Don't beat yourself up about the relapse as that is once the past now and you have already had 3 good days.

I am much in the same position financially rock bottom. Two weeks ago I was emotionally rock bottom too but through doing lots of reading (various items, here, self development forums, eating healthy etc etc) and eating healthily I am now beginning to see life is worth living and I cannot change the past. I can learn from my mistakes too make a better future though.

All the best on another gf day you can do this 

Dave 

Posted on:
Mon, 14/01/2019 - 22:41

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Well another day. Am trying to force myself to invoice some work that I’ve done freelance and get the tax return sorted.

Seems somehow futile given what I have done and the thousands I’ve lost but I must be grateful that I do have quite a good income and I suppose I just have to dig in and start the repayment process.What a drag. Working so many hours just to pay off debts. 

This is the consequence I just have to get on with it. This joke isn’t funny anymore. 

I must focus away from money and onto positive change in other ways. It’s difficult though when coming out of a blitz. 

One day at a time. 

 

 

 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 17/01/2019 - 00:46

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Well day 6.

Slowly but surely. 

One day at a time 

Posted on:
Thu, 17/01/2019 - 06:39

Martin67

Joined:
2010-08-17

Well done on 6 days. That's a good achievement. 

Taking one day at a time is definitley the best strategy. 

Posted on:
Fri, 18/01/2019 - 10:07

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Hello friends 

One week in and no inclination to gamble. Feeling quite flat but work remains busy. I know if I am to abstain for a long period I need to deal with some fundamental issues and start acting in my own best interests. As gamblers we tend not to do this. I have started with practical steps (tax return, dealing with certain work issues I had put off for no good reason etc) but I am aware that the deeper issues need resolving. I got a lot from therapy. It really helped me unburden the shame I had carried on my shoulders (both gambling and non-gambling related) for years. I reached a point however where the ball was in my court in terms of moving forward. Could I have a richer, honest more fulfilling and connected personal life? Could I be a an easy, decent loving partner?

Not yet, but I know that’s important for recovery and it’s not so easy for me to move forward. I don’t know why.I think still there is something stopping me from really connecting with life - good or bad - which leaves a kind of inner loneliness/emptiness.

I have good people around I can talk to and have started to do so.

One step and one day at a time.

Posted on:
Fri, 18/01/2019 - 19:24

Lil30

Joined:
2018-09-12

Well done on the first week, it sounds like you are fighting the good battle here and doing all the right things! Good luck with everything.

Posted on:
Sun, 20/01/2019 - 11:13

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Well day 9 today 

Thanks for the support people.

Duncs was saying in a recent  post how he often thinks about those who have left the forum over the years. It’s true many leave. Some like me return when they relapse, others don’t. I am sure some make it and live GF but in my head I think that many go back to gambling. Most  of us have relapsed and it takes a lot of self-awareness and mental effort to keep away for good. 

So I need to recognise a simple fact. That I cannot win as I cannot stop. I will lose in the longer term and I will have a life of debt. My life will not be fulfilling. I will be forever obsessed with money throwing anything I earn away. 

I need this to be the last time.

Stay gf friends 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 20/01/2019 - 15:26

Anewbeginning

Joined:
2019-01-13

This forum does really show this disease is a disease. Everybody has the same emotions —- even a he recovery threads begin similarly. 

Posted on:
Tue, 22/01/2019 - 07:56

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Day 11

The days do pass quickly.

It’s hard not to think about the financial damage, particularly when it’s not the first time and I’ve  relapsed badly before. 

I must have had the same resolve, the same good intentions before not to gamble but I somehow forgot the consequences of gambling, lied to myself and pretended I was in control.

I am really tired of having to pick up the pieces again This time I hope I have learned.

Sometimes it’s hard to be positive but I will keep going.

Posted on:
Wed, 23/01/2019 - 09:51

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Thanks for your kind words old friend!

That was just the kind of pick up I needed. I am glad you have made it to 12 days and hope that you can move forward in the same way.

It's funny you should mention my writing. Whilst I also work in law, I graduated in English Literature and writing is my passion. I never thought about writing about my own experience, I have always wondered "who would be interested in my story?" In any event, I think Roddy Doyle pretty much wrote my story in his novel "The Woman who Walked into Doors!"

Anyway, I do not want to talk about me on your thread. How are you doing? Let us know who you are getting on - perhaps not during billable working hours ;)

I am right behind you.

Markman

 

Posted on:
Wed, 23/01/2019 - 20:22

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Good man Mark 

Thanks for your reply. It’s comforting to know you and ODAAT and Duncs and a few others still maintain their diaries and give to others when time and energy allows. I intend to keep going this time and remind myself regularly (but quite gently) of what a fool I have been. It’s really great to hear from you. 

I have read the Van and I think one or two other Doyle books but not the one you refer to. I will definitely have a read.and have a feeling it will be quite poignant, if not sad.

I now begin the process of repaying my debts, beginning on January 31. I wonder if I will ever save any money or if when I eventually get into the black I will have an uncontrollable urge to throw it away!It’s such a weird psychological trait- I think you relate to it Mark- the martyr who likes to wollow in not having anything! Is it too frightening to be healthily normal (and solvent!)?

For now one day at a time. 

Keep going strong everyone 

Posted on:
Sat, 26/01/2019 - 11:51

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Day 15

The days do pass quickly.

Can’t help feeling wistful sometimes when I think about what might have been and the choices I’ve made. I know it’s not healthy to look back but well regrets ...I have a few!

I suppose all I can do is accept the things I can’t change and change the things I can.

Glad not to be on a gambling binge though and doing my best to be positive.

Posted on:
Wed, 30/01/2019 - 08:17

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Good morning all

Day 19.

Pushing the rock up the mountain again. How did I get myself in this mess again?

I know it’s pointless looking back but it is frustrating and annoying. 

Anyway we start again wiser hopefully than we were. For al those on the edge remember it does and will get better. You must not forget the losses and loathing you feel to the extent that remembering the feeling helps you not to gamble again . At the same time what’s done is done - try to see the sun and a future without gambling.

Be determined everyone.

 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 03/02/2019 - 20:15

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

23 days GF

The first payday post-binge arrived and debts were paid. I can’t help feeling sad that I’m in this situation again and that I will be paying off loans and credit cards for some time. What have I been doing all of these years, on and off?

I hate the fact that money still has a hold on me, even in recovery. But what’s done is done.I only have myself to blame.

I’m not going back. I really don’t want this again. But one day at a time. I know what complacency can bring.

It’s not worth it friends and doesn’t solve any underlying issues just gives us a temporary escape from ourselves that will eventually end in disaster. We can’t win because we can’t stop.

Have a great gf week all.

 

Posted on:
Sun, 03/02/2019 - 21:07

Marypoppins

Joined:
2019-01-17

You are doing great, keep it up 

Posted on:
Wed, 06/02/2019 - 00:33

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Entering day 26

No gambling no urge. Trying to lift the darkness. One day at a time 

Posted on:
Wed, 06/02/2019 - 06:27

NT

Joined:
2017-12-16

You are saying all of the right words for yourself.

26 days is fantastic, keep up the great work.

NT

Posted on:
Thu, 07/02/2019 - 09:52

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Day 27

Another Gf day completed. Given the amount I have lost and the lessons I failed to learn I do not feel proud, but also do not feel self loathing either. Just phlegmatic.

I have felt that some of the comments recently on the forum have been unhelpful. I think we must realise that there are different tools for everyone out there and it is important that we are open to them and open to change. Further just because something doesn’t work for me it doesn’t mean it won’t work for you. For example some on the forum don’t believe therapy works. For me it was a godsend. I realised how my psychological triggers worked with gambling and how my self esteem issues were very deep seated and how much shame I had carried over the years without letting go of my past. It’s not necessarily going to help everyone but it did me. Also I made sure I paid for it. Compared to the stupid amounts I lost gambling, it was nothing. 

Did it stop me relapsing - yes for quite a while- but I then became complacent, thought I had cracked it and started gambling again. I’m not sure why, I think it was just escapism and boredom. Then the dopamine kicked in and I was well and truly hooked - the physiological took over from the psychological. I forgot that I couldn’t stop until it was too late.

What did I learn? Well never to be off guard, to keep reminding myself that I cannot stop, that I must take one day at a time. I also  realised that I need support from others in the so that I don’t forget that I must abstain every day. But this time after my relapse I didn’t feel the pure self hate and suicidal thoughts of the past because I had dealt with a lot of issues, I was much more self aware and deep down I understood that I really should have known better. I made a bad mistake but I’m not defined by gambling and have much more self worth these days. Of course I am disappointed - very- but nothing more. I have to just deal with it.

I also understand the industry and those of you angry with it. I’m not particularly interested. We know they are pernicious and that much more controls should be placed on gambling and access to gambling - but aren’t we diverting? I can only blame myself.

Whilst I’m ranting I also have difficulty in calling my addiction an illness. I understand that for many that is how they define it. But for me this implies that I have no control over it. Perhaps at times I didn’t have control but I can’t help thinking that I wasn’t completely powerless at any point. 

Good day to all.

 

 

 

Posted on:
Sat, 09/02/2019 - 09:22

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Day 29 GF

Hope everyone has a calm, peaceful GF weekend

Posted on:
Wed, 13/02/2019 - 02:32

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Moving into day 33

Can’t sleep. But GF. 

The days do pass quickly. One  day at a time.

Posted on:
Sun, 17/02/2019 - 15:59

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Day 37

Another few days and no thoughts of gambling. I’m not expecting to have them for a while but I need to remain vigilant.

I do think that people do have different approaches to recovery and whilst it is always great to get advice there is no right or wrong way. 

The main thing is to use the tools that work for you and remember why you came on the site originally and the feelings of consuming hopelessness (is that a word?!). Most of us here can’t stop once we begin and will always want more of the hit, usually leading to higher and more ridiculous stakes when chasing the hit or chasing losses. We know what will happen in the end...

Personally I can’t win because I can’t stop. And I need to remember that.

Keep strong everyone 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 19/02/2019 - 13:27

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

How are you doing Down and Out? I am so pleased those gamble free days racking up. Me, updating my diary on work time as ever! Take Care, Markman

Posted on:
Mon, 04/03/2019 - 14:13

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Day 52

Thanks MM always great to hear from you. I’ve been away and mostly off line so have not been on the site lately but remain detached from gambling.

Another payday and payback to creditors. I accept that this will not be so for the next 18 months at least with most of my income going that way.

Still that’s the contract I made.

I’m happy I’m not gambling. Another day gf.

Posted on:
Sun, 17/03/2019 - 19:58

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Well that didn’t last long.

Back to the start again. Higher debts etc. Wretched addiction. Why am I so arrogant to think I can win? I never will win because I never can stop. This time feel very low and ashamed. When will I be at rock bottom? Going to go back to get some therapy. I know what I need to do but just find ways to damage  myself. Obviously something is wrong with me.

I hope others are doing better.