Why do i do this to myself

Im 28, Been gambling past 12-13 years. It's always been a problem. I'm not in much debt which is good, £1300 to credit union, I probably owe my mum close to 10 grand over the years, she just wants me to get better, she doesn't care about the money anymore.

I don't earn a good wage, few pence above minimum wage, I think that's been a big issue over the years as my friends and girlfriend earn nearly double what i earn, I try to keep up with them when it comes to night's out and holidays and I just cannot afford too and that's when betting becomes imprinted in my head.

Mentally I'm all over the place, everyone has noticed the changes gambling has done to me they just dont know it's been because of gambling other than my mother. I have lost all confidence, I'm quiet, i'm having issues pronouncing words that i had no issues saying my whole life, Over the past years I have self harmed, I hit myself, I punch walls, smash stuff, just few hours ago I punched myself in the face probably 10 times in rage of a last minute goal. I have only started doing that the past 6 months, before that i would hit my legs or dig my nails into my chest so that people couldn't see marks now it's like I don't even care anymore, I hate myself so much. I snapped last month at breakfast, I put my fist through the plate as I couldn't take it anymore, I wake up most mornings hating life, stressed over money, saying into myself, just let me die, I don't mean it but, I have so much to live for if I could just get gambling under control. ill never try and take my own life, I have hurt my mum enough.

I just need to stop gambling my money when i get paid. If i can just take control for 6 months everything will work out.

Enough crying from me, Day 1 of no gambling, I'll check in here every few days with updates for mostly my own benefit.

Thanks