Where I am Currently and Mixed Conflicted Emotion Difficulties with Gambling and my Relationship

Thanks for sharing.

The first part of any recovery is accepting that things are out of control and hat you need to ask for help because you can not do it alone ( that is from the twelve-step method). Russel brand calls it un....ing yourself and he is quite right (but crude) in his analogy of it. A lot of change comes by working with your self. Being self-reflective and finding out how. you tick. It is also about having plans so you can chart a course. No ship can be without a captain or crew because it would drift. So you will need to chart a destination and be that captain. I am hoping you may get some of that good feedback in your future therapy sessions. An advice from me is this. Find a soul that is also a recovering gambler and get chatting. You will do twice as well if you can talk about this with someone who knows your journey. There are lots of people here who will be able to listen and give you advice along the way. 

I wish the best for you and your family in your search for recovery.

Very difficult to open up about, I’ve tried to controll it myself my wife has found out a few times before and the last time yesterday. My first time with GamCare hope it works.. I need to tell my wife about the little debt now. Wish me luck 

Ps well done for making the step 

Hello Louisgills and Welcome.

Yes That must have been hard for you but its the right thing to do. Openess and honesty are your saviours because you have to face reality, face yourself and your loved ones need to know.

It is a born again moment and you should feel some relief and a touch of good feeling that it is out in the open. That will build into a pride and serenity as you do the right thing.

You need to surrender to this addiction by admitting it had you totally under control. You can now take on the recovery properly with the right help. You can beat it into history but you can never be complacent again. There is ultimately no shame in admitting that it got to you because its far more complex than a silly greedy flutter. For the rest of your life you may have to say you are a compulsive gambler but the gambling will be history as your mind heals

I hope your partner will look after all the finances. This is not about treating you like a baby. It will save any quality of life you can build from this. The trusted advice is that you need to be on a petrol and sandwich allowance providing receipts. 

Its the most powerful addiction I know about. Please dont be thinking you can control it on your own terms. I still give my loved ones reports about my finances years later...a small price to pay compared to an addiction which was killing me.

Im proud to do that. Its got nothing to do with me being a grown man with an ego. I dont want full trust again....also a smaller price than an addiction which was destroying me.

I was gambling with my relationships and my health. I wasnt just putting money in that slot...I was gambling away all my dignity and self respect in a toxic environment. I wasnt meeting any, friends, women or having good times because I spent my time  gambling in a seedy den.

I was very ill and only with hindsight do I realise how ill  I was....scary because I know I did those things but it just seems like insanity when I think about it now. I was literally out of my mind with addiction.

So I know you are feeling confused and hurt now but I really hope your partner will stand by you and learn about this addiction along with you. She needs to protect herself financially though and I know you care about her enough to talk it through.

You can both never be complacent again but its not a very hard battle if you have built those born again foundations properly.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

You have gone long time ot gambling. Was there anything in your life that indicated your relapse ? The storm will pass. You have already done this before but I guess the relapse hurts even more than the first time. Its very brave from you that you are open about this. I have never opened to anyone about my problems because of shame. I have stayed determined though.  Its been 2 years now. Best of luck.. 

Hello and thank you for your advice

Yes the reality is very hard and yes I do have to live through it to help myself stop. You can not stop without opening up on the way no matter what consequences happen after.

I do feel some relief but not much this time round. The uncertainty has covered up that feeling and focusing on sorting out my finances and stopping gambling has impacted it too. I still have a lot of drive and willingness and ready for the odd setbacks.

I have been looking back to see what my trigger may be or what makes me tick but I am at a blank after using many methods. I am wanting to concentrate more on complacency this time as this was probably one of the main figures in this outcome then when I start it is hard to change the mindset. 

I will say that my partner looking after my finances is not an option and I will try and explain why. 

We have tried this befor and it put a lot of pressure on her along with many other things she helps me with. I have Autism and I only found that out because big her. She worked endlessly to help get my diagnosis and the support I need with it. She helps me with a lot of paperwork and puts up with a lot of other aspects in my life that effects her. My son is also autistic so that is double bubble of work load.

Also it put a lot of strain on our relationship and Just was not successful at all.

I need to do this for myself to prove that I can be in control. Prove that I can budget and keep in the black will help gain trust as well as showing I have been making the payments.

Another reason is if we do break up (which is a big possibility) then I would still have to manage the finances myself. Budget on living costs and work out important payments etc. If I have questions and not sure on something she will help answer my questions or give me some advice but I have to learn this for myself and can not be reliant on someone else because I will not learn that way. 

She has protection herself financially and will always continue to do so. She know the dangers of this addiction and the impact in has on our relationship. This is the reality and scary part. She has scares and this time they may not heal. My main aim is to help myself but also try and prove that this is the end of it and wanting to still be with her. My actions will speak louder then words and it is the only thing I can do.

Telling your wife about the debt is going to be very difficult and may cause a lot of hurt. You need to share everything no matter how difficult it will be or feel. You will also need to take action about them as well. Just telling then sitting back will not help. Gamstop should be a first step if you really do want to stop

Yes ok I see some good signs there.

I understand where you are coming from regarding the finances the but its an addiction that can blindside you on a wet tuesday afternoon for example. You need to discuss all aspects of this and where you may be vunerable in the future. Trigger points are all over the place and it can actually be triggered by feeling ahead of  life again

I wouldnt allow yourself access to any significant sums of money. I would get some serious blocks on because its an addiction thats comfortable with any thoughts of controlling things yourself. It loves the chink in the armour for it sees a way through...It sees that all opportunities are not closed down and it works on you in its own insidious way.

Once addicted is not about being a grown adult who can handle things smoothly

Its a horrendous addiction and a split mind disorder . Pain after pain it seeks its fix...it wants its urges. There are close parallels with someone drinking themselves to death or on Class A. They cant just stop with the click of the fingers and neither can a gambling addict...the cold turkey must be done.

So just food for thought that it doesnt have to be difficult to fast transfer money to you. I would argue that we had given up the control to be paying large bills or handling money reliably. I think you should certainly be providing receipts as it does give a pride and indicator of control

I was only any good with money within a narrow window. I still have a strange relationship with it as it controls my status and Im often scared of spending it now. I tend to look at the stuff now and not particularly enjoy spending it but thats another story because for decades I was losing the buzz of buying material possesions...perhaps thats because I was depressed that the large ticket items like houses and big cars seemed beyond me for a variety of reasons. I felt a failure and still do to some degree but gambling was not and is not the answer to that.

The answers are within me but I never faced myself...just found it something I didnt want to do because I would rather dream, escape create delusions

So all the best. I see some good signs there

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

So this is a follow on from my first post in the new members section. I will copy and paste part one at the Botham of this diary. 

It has now been 17 days gamble free and there is a long way to go into self recovery. I have now had two counseling sessions which have been good. Talking through varies things from past and what to aim for in the future and what triggers to find, so I can help avoid slipping up again. Talking about the past was the hardest part. re living gambling moments what I did to get money to gamble, what effects it had on the family and the people I have hurt on the way. I had also talked further back to my child hood, about my parents and a very traumatising time I went through years before I meet my current partner of 11 years (I will not mention it on hear). It has been helpful but only 2 sessions in, so a long way to go. 

I have now managed to implement GamStop where I had a few problems with the security questions to implement it but it has now all been sorted and put in place. It was very daunting not being able to just log online and put a bet on over the next 5 years. It is something I really wanted to put in place but there was always a small part of my mind trying to talk myself out of it thinking up excuses I could use and the problems that occurred when trying to set it up did not help. It is now set up and I felt anxious at first but quite relieved now and a little weight of my chest. 

I have also made good headway in tackling my finances too. The first draft of letters have already been sent out to all the creditors I owe money to. After sorting out what I have owed, contacting national debt help line for help and advises numerous times and reading a lot of information online I have now started sorting out my budget sheet for the creditors which will be ready to send out soon along with another cover letter I have yet to draft up.

On the relationship front there has been positives but also still terrifying close to splitting which seems more scary than stopping the gambling. We have decided to try to start off very slow from the beginning. There has been some holding hands, cuddling and today is the first time we have kissed properly which felt amasing like it was the first time 11 years ago. You may think this is a great step, and we are growing closer together but that is far from it. The trust issue is the biggest divide of our relationship. We already know that we love each other so much but after a number of awkward conversations the big problem which has put our relationship on the edge is the issue of trust and the hurt I have caused many times before in past relapses. My partner is in the place in deciding if she really wants to put herself and the kids through it all again with the possibility of it falling apart again. It may have been a long time since I last relapsed before recently but the memories, hurt, anger, broken trust is all still there new as day and very real. What I said in part one is that all I have left is to actually show and prove that I am doing as much as I can to beat this because no words I can say could help fix them feelings anymore. Some not all have been said before, I believe they have been more passionate, truthful, honest, deep and meaningful but some words I say could trigger previous conversations which makes what I say pointless as she will not be able to hear that it really is different this time. I am not just saying it is, I feel it is, I am showing it is, I know it is and I will defeat this but the worrying truth is that it may not save our 11-year relationship. 

Now I am enjoying the small growth in intimacy and holding on to every memory of it that I can because tomorrow it could all end. Every step taken means nothing until my partner knows if she can continue or not. The unknowing is the hardest part, but I am making the most of what we can work and progress on. I have that determination and drive to help still show my positive actions and I can only live in hope that one day I know we will be together without the uncertainty. It could be months, a year or more. All I can do is what I am already doing now and just pray. 

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Where I am at: Part 1

Hello Where I am at: I have been gamble free since 29th February 2020 (9 days which includes today). I came out to my partner of almost 11 years last Wednesday and things have been difficult all around.

What I have actioned and planned so far:   So I have sought help with my gambling (of course or I would not be hear). I have my first counseling session on Wednesday thanks to gamecare referring me. I have been reading a great book which is different from other stop gambling books and really hits home to your emotions and reads your thoughts well. It is called "Overcoming Gambling" and written by Philip Mawer. I would recommend this book but you will have to be fully willing to give up for it to help like many other help methods. I am also going to sign up to GameStop in front of my partner today to help restrict any urges of online gambling for the next 5 years. I have also started making a plan in sorting out my finances by myself with help from Citizens Advice and the National Debt Helpline which I will be making a call tomorrow to start my solo budgeting sheet to send of to all the companies I owe money to along with my cover letter.  One of the most important things is that I have been fully open and honest with my partner about my difficulties financially, and she has been giving me emotional support. 

Relationship Difficulties:   Like I said above, I told my partner everything last Wednesday which was extremely difficult and scary (even though I knew I could have told her I was having problems early on) but I had to bite the bullet if I wanted to defeat this.  I will mention this is not my first time and have relapsed a number of times before and this time was looking good because it had been like 2-3 years gambling free. My partner had supported me so much every time, and we had tried so many ways to help me stop but this time is the hardest and most difficult for her. No she did not fly off the handle. She was calm, collective and listened and asked the normal important question. She listened in shock that I managed to gain over £12000 worth of debt in 3 months knowing I could have come to her any time before it had become this far. Sat down and talked and went through everything, I also told my partner the steps I had already taken to help myself before confessing. My partner almost ended it the next day and that was difficult to whiteness to see her hurt and felt so painful and sickened to my heart.  We are now at the point in seeing how things go. It feels like we are neither on nor off and that is hard to take and all my fault. Not being able to touch her emotionally, kiss her and just be with her like normal hurts so deep inside me and I do not know how I am still fighting this gambling while feeling like this at the same time. My partner is not at fault at all. She has helped me out so much before and that is why I really have to do this once and for all, prove I can do this and sort out my finances myself because that is all I can do right now. Even though we are trying she is still mixed with so many emotions that she could end this anytime. At the end she has to think about her mental health and well-being and the kids too.    

For me fighting this does feel different this time. Feeling and seeing this hurt, pain etc all around is like a driving force to me. No matter how much I hate this feeling I will have to and want to remember and feel it in some form always as I can not become complacent this time. There is no room for complacency and no room for mistakes. Drive and action is the only way forward and a bucket load of hope. My partner has still been good to me with emotional support which is great and I have been lucky and blessed that she has been giving that to me. Rightly so my partner can not give me anything else and I will have to throw everything at this. I can not fully explain this pain I am feeling right now about my relationship and it is so intense and deep in me (caused by my own doing). I really want this to work so very bad and I will continue to try to prove myself that it is different this time, That the feeling of wanting to quit gambling is so strong and deep in me like never before. This is the fight of my life, and I am  willing to succeed and I know I will. I just don't know how the ending will be which is terrifying but I had put myself there. Well this is where I am at, I am not expecting or needing any moral support. I just had to write this for myself and maybe it could also help someone reading this.        

That is very well written and I have hope for you because you seem to understand whats it's all about.

I do hope your partner will realise this as a drug addiction and let you build up some pride again by doing the right thing. I do hope she stands by you but recovery is a journey where you will both learn never to be complacent again facing the sheer power of addiction

I dont know of any gambler who sought to deliberately harm their loved ones with an evil laugh. Its all to do with the addiction protecting its control over the mind.

Im not even sure the authorities know what they have let out of Pandoras box when they gave the green light on gambling. I dont think they ever understood the demonic power of  gambling to alter minds.  Maybe they always did which pains me to think about

I feel that many people who start are just addicts in the making.

Its a major conflict of interest if the people who are supposed to protect us are collecting taxes on it..same goes for smoking and drinking really but gambling is particularly insidious as something which is brushed under the carpet as harmless fun.

If you get the foundations of openness and honesty right, the recovery process will be easier to deal with.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Hello and thank you for your reply. I really appreciated your response.

I would like to say that my partner is aware that the addiction is like a drug and has done much research after past relapses but my point is that still dose not excuse my actions and not put me at fault. 

It is not my place to say or ask for her to stay with me but she still has been giving me the emotional support I needed and the space to try to correct some wrongs and work on myself. The recent intimacy has been very refreshing and hope it continues and improves. Some may think it would be unhelpful but actually it helps me alot to be more like myself and drives me to work harder on everything. The more the intimacy increases the more I want to achieve my goal. If we do end up having s*x again once or more it would still not change the situation between us and I would just see it as a time to cherish and remember as it still could end any time.  

You are quite right about the relaxing of gambling over the years a d not sure anyone thought that the impact it has now would of been so bad. Every maker was flooded soon after and they where quick to root there self in so it would be very difficult to remove the problem. Just giving the company's fines is not going to make and changes but I do like the new credit card enforcement being introduced as this was a large part of my debt this time around. A bit to late for me but a savvier for others.

Talking about the past was hard hitting for me but it also made me see that non related gambling troubles may be connected in a way, exspecily the traumatic exspriance I mentioned above. Being open and honest with the councilor about it was hard but helpful.

Once again thank you very much for your response 🙂

It has been a while since I last wrote my post but after a month or re-writing a draft many times it is time for me to publish something.

I have had all 12 of my counseling sessions now and it seems quite daunting. I know there are other support lines out there I can use and will use them when I need to just like this gamcare site. I did not have much confidence in my councilor for the first two sessions but I still chucked myself at it and then I saw the benefits of it, and he had helped me a lot with what I am thinking and understanding also things I did not know I was doing which where actually positive. I have not needed the use of my gambling blocking apps and self exclusion from gamstop but it has been comforting knowing it is there and to help stop me when or if I have the urge so that has been a big positive for me.

I am still continually in contact with all my creditors I owe money to. Some have been sending me around in circles or fobbing me off but other have been helpful. It has not been easy dealing with them by myself but I have been managing and a positive out of this is that I am proud I am able to do it. I have finished my gambling book and keep going back to parts of it like I did last week. 

Things in the relationship has been difficult. There has been positives that I did not want to get ahead with but then comes the negative side too. I said at the beginning that I have re-wrote my draft for this post many times and I really mean a lot of times. There have been some with lots of positives and negatives but my feelings or surrounding environment changes so much and quickly that it was hard to keep up with what was going through my mind at the time until now. The past week I have been stuck in a negative cycle and I have thought like this for a very long time. I have always used my guilt and shame to spur me on to change which has been good for me but now I am stuck and struggling to find a way out of this feeling. To move on I need to see positive aspects I can latch onto and other things that can spur me on, I think I was hoping for a relative improvement in my relationship with my partner to take that place but there have been many aspects where that does not seem the case. So I am stuck at the moment rethinking everything I have done and it has been difficult and very emotional. There is no wounder why I have relapsed many times before. Waking up every morning with reality and looking at the destruction I have done as well as living through. It feels worse than being at rock bottom when I was gambling. Looking back and going through the selfish ways that I have lived, not fully seeing and no intention of hurting the loved ones I care about the most. In truth, it did not matter that I did not intend to hurt anyone or thought it was not doing any harm to them because it does and it did hurt them a lot. In my case I could have caused so much damage that it could never be repaired and that is my worst nightmare.

I have spent a long time trying to find ways to move from my guilt but I just think further into it. I have had horrible thoughts and silly suspicions of my partner chatting to people online to find someone new to be with and I know that is just in my head and I do not want to move into this paranoia thought because I know it is not healthy. I just want our relationship to work great again but it does not matter how hard I try, it will always be down to one person and that is not me. My partner holds all the cards and at times I think she is holding back and that is all down to me and my many mistakes. People always say you can only do what you can and continue doing what I am doing already and that is correct. What I do not like is the idea that my partner may not ever see me for the real person I am again, the person I was before I told her about the addiction, the person when things were going really well in the relationship. That was me but without the addiction or covering up. No matter what I write or say can not change anything or make her really see the real me again or want to open up and let me in again, so I am lost right now. I am currently stuck in the cycle of guilt, shame, self-pity, vulnerability, scared, insecurity that the one thing I want to latch onto to help me is not there yet or may never be. I just hope writing this and getting this feeling off my chest can help me move forward and improve things more for myself and the after effects could help my relationship which is so important to me. The difference in me this time than others is that there is so much determination and fight in me I know I will succeed but I have no way to put that across for my partner to actually see and understand that this is different and the final chance I am taking with all my heart and strength. I am just writing all this because I just need to write it down, I am not after any sympathy or someone telling me everything is going to be alright to try to make myself feel better.  My kids and partner means the world to me and I will try my best to bring back the way it was when everything was going so well. It may be a pipe dream but it is the only thing I really want.

Louis 

Great share, from the heart and I hope you have taken as much therapy from it as I have reading it.

you could tear a page from the many on my own diary and take a great deal of similarities between what you have lived and myself likewise.

 I like you have a partner, well wife in my case who does indeed hold all the choices and I will say in my case it’s right that’s the position I am in, the difference today for me is I am not looking for my wife to see me as the person I have been, I am looking for her to see the person I am becoming. 
addiction saved my life, it’s seen me through some horrendous times internally, mentally things without addiction I believe that I wouldn’t be here today because addiction gave me the escape and distraction I needed from my inner turmoil.

 I equally accept that today if I feed addiction it no longer serves a purpose, I have been seeking recovery for eight years, I have relapsed on four occasions not being ready to commit, in fact through feeding addiction I could still find redemption. That’s no longer the case, feeding addiction just brings an additional turmoil that serves no end, I have as a result sought recovery wholly.

now I need recovery to save me from addiction. Twelve steps will be my life’s work, to share the outcome with my wife and family. I have made it clear that my wife has a choice, she is entitled to make her own choice for her own wellbeing, and the truth is I will accept it if it’s an honest choice because without total honesty I simply cannot commit to recovery.

 I have had this conversation many times and it is around turning the tables, if you were the significant other in a relationship with an addict would you have stuck around??

its a tough soul searching question to answer because for me my actions were abhorrent and with honesty I would have struggled to hold the faith in my wife that she has had in me. I believe that the questions you mind asks you with regards to your partner and who she communicates with are the words of addiction, addiction wants the addict for their sole purpose, addiction surely wants the addict to believe feeding addiction is the only answer. In recovery sober I am able to think more rationally and in truth if my wife had founded relationships with folk that would be on some terms more than acceptable because of the neglect I gave through my own relationship with a significant other ADDICTION.

my advice is be kind to yourself, share your thoughts with your partner, share recovery with your partner. My wife attended a GA meeting before lockdown with me for the first time, I have been around the rooms since 2012 under the impression that the room was a place for me the addict but is the truth that our respective partners have the need to recover equally.

 I made myself a promise since I arrested the last episode of gambling, every day I will simply do my best by myself, the outcome is rediscovery through recovery.

 I wish you well 

strength and honour 

just for today 

Duncs 

I wish I could say it will all be ok

But you know aswell as I do ,9we don't know what's in front off us plus you've got to remember the hurt you've caused and that just doesn't go away because you've stopped gambling but in time things will get easier the trust has got to come back in stages all you can do is your best and stay away from that evil we call gambling, as all it does is destroy us make us feel like we're nothing but when that's gone and time has past we shouldn't keep punishing ourselves as it an addiction it's a drug if you've not been through it you can't understand the grip it has on you. Just keep doing your best for you and hopefully your partner gets back on board but you can only be yourself and control yourself and this will get your old self back I'm terrible for putting myself down and it makes me ill we all deserve happiness and you show me someone who's not messed up in life no matter how small we all make mistakes and we all deserve to be forgiven