It is important for me to ensure that this diary is as detailed as possible. But just starting this diary provides me a canvas to paint on. It will become more thorough as the days, weeks and months go by but for now i see this as an important stepping stone in my overall recovery.
I had started a few diaries in the past 14 years but i will be the 1st to admit that they soon fell to the wayside each time the relapses resumed, which sadly were frequent.
I will start this diary by saying that in September of 2015 i had the name of this recovery diary tattooed on my arm.
I had never had a tattoo before this and at the time i remember thinking 'Are you sure this is a good idea?'.
I thought a lot about getting this tattoo before committing to go ahead, making the decision after a number of weeks of deliberation.
These words were etched on my arm in what was at that time the most difficult year of my life.
In January of that year, my nan passed away. When i think of my nan, i smile. I was/am so thankful for my nan. My nan was there when i was 18 months old when my mum and dad separated. After a lengthy court battle, my dad gained full custody of me and my brother and my nan moved us all into her home and ever since was a constant positive influence to me.
My nan was a role model and somebody who i loved so dearly. Also, somebody who i could talk to and be myself around. When everything else around me was unstable, nan was the stability.
Although in the final years of her life, my nan suffered with debilitating dementia. Just having my nan around was comforting.
6 months after my nans death in June of 2015, i took myself to my local county court and declared voluntary bankruptcy.
Ever since my uncle passed away from a brain tumour in May 2008, gambling has over ruled my life. When my uncle passed, this was the 1st time i had personally fallen into debt.
I had gambled prior to this and i always enjoyed the 'low risk' long shots. The weekly football accumulators placed at low stakes that could potentially win a large sum of money. I have always considered myself an underdog, likely due to my childhood experiences and i did actually enjoy this period of time.
When my Uncle passed, i remember feeling so lost. As a young man having just turned 20 years old, i firstly wasn't so aware of what depression was. But also i didn't have anyone i could really talk to about this issue as my nan, who i would have most likely been open to tell of these feelings was already suffering with dementia.
I believe i used the positive feelings of the gambling as an escape route. Something i thought was an entertaining pastime was soon going to turn my life upside down - even more so than it already was.
One night i logged into a betting account and played live roulette. I won around £1,400 that night. The next night i found myself in debt for the 1st time at around £1,000 and i was scared for my life.
I had literally lived in near poverty for most of my life. We didn't have money to eat at times. Clawing around for £5 or £10 was a struggle and suddenly owing £1,000 was unbearable. the feelings triggered the emotions of a young child and as i wanted to support my loved ones as best i could, i needed to get myself out of this debt as quickly as possible. I felt so much guilt and shame.
Ever since then it has drained me of near enough all enjoyment of life. It has been so hard.
It upsets me the black and white approach to gambling, from people who haven't struggled with the addiction. Imagine what i have been going through struggling with this illness.
The first thing that comes to mind is the focus on money that has been lost. Although the money side has been the main culprit for trapping me in the cycle, i am fully aware of the isolation, sadness, loneliness, self esteem issues, guilt, anger, shame, let alone the the inability due to the mental state on eating, sleeping and becoming a recluse. It has never been a 'i have lost money and I do care or see,feel,live the impact of any of this'. I felt the pain for 14 years to such a severe degree.
Although nowhere near perfect and with way too many advertisements on TV, Radio & Online, i wish that the blocks and accountability from betting providers - licenced UK Based in particular, was like it is now, back then. Because there were no limits and no 'Know Your Customer' interactions at all. Let alone the support services that are now offered. I am sure the majority of you know not to start gambling with off shore betting companies. They are still light-years away and often unregulated. Even when regulated, they are not reputable - in my.experience.
The £1,000 debt I had turned into an overdraft debt of £5,000 very quickly. Now what do i do?
I was in debt for around this figure for an entire year. paying my bills but the rest was gambled away. During this time I remember one particular gambling session i won over £10,000 and lost it within 30 seconds on two hands of blackjack. After living the pain that gambling caused for so long, how could this happen? Still to this day i am lost how time and time again this is the cycle.
However, in 2011 i moved into a flat with a friend, started a new job on a higher wage and met a girl (ex Girlfriend now).
This brought the longest sustained abstinence of gambling - Around 9 months, i have ever had.
I cleared my debt and saved up around £10,000.
One night i went for a few drinks with my colleagues - i am not much of a drinker at all to be honest so it isn't as though i normally gamble after having a drink. 99.9% of my gambling has been with a clear of alcohol head.
For some reason i decided to place a £20 bet which lost. By the time the morning rolled around i had also lost my £10,000 of savings.
My credit score was very high at this time due to my earnings and i was able to take out a loan for £18,000 which i had lost by the time the following Friday evening had rolled around.
One week i had £10,000 of savings, 7 days later i was £18,000 in debt.
Looking back, i don't think that there was anything particularly pressing that i was worrying about during the time that led up to this astronomical relapse. But this action led to such a sustained period of gambling, i am here 10 years later wondering what if?
I will leave the continuation of my story for another day as it is mentally exhausting reflecting back through the history of my addiction.
I do however want to finish on one final point.
The last time i gambled was 20 days ago. After this last relapse, i actively chose to tell my brother and my Girlfriend (who i have been with for nearly 2 years now) the severity of the issue. I provided access to my bank account history, Installed GamBan and signed up to Gamstop for the maximum length possible (5 years). I have been having weekly sessions with Breakeven via GamCare and am joining a 12 week course with Gordon Moody from November. I will also be attending my 1st ever GA session this coming Saturday.
Not just this, but i have closed all my bank accounts barre one which my wage will be paid into (A newly opened Starling account). I done this because i dont want to be reminded of my past gambling via my old accounts. I want to draw a line under this addiction and try and start afresh (although i do still have significant debts to pay).
I have been on a worrying decline this year which was overwhelming me. Gambling was consuming me and i am not sure why it was different this time to the other literal thousands of times i have lost large sums of money, but i had just had enough and had to face my fears - which would involve challenging what caused me to keep it all quiet in the 1st place - not upsetting or impacting others.
This was very difficult, because there is understandable sadness, anger, frustration - the same things we all feel as gamblers - that our nearest and dearest also face when they are told of our problems. It was difficult for both my brother and partner to hear about all of this.
This is genuinely the 1st time i have gone 'all in' on trying to overcome gambling, than actually gambling itself and i feel surprisingly in control.
I am leaving no stone unturned by doing everything i possibly can. I am going to utilise all support networks available to me and just breaking this cycle and taking these positive steps is building momentum. I feel as though i am in control of the gambling than the other way round.
I am not getting ahead of myself however. I know how difficult the road will be and it wont be easy. I am just taking steps day by day. Reminding myself i have worth and giving myself a pat on the back because the above actions this past month is not easy, which i am sure all gamblers out there can attest to.
Joe
Hi
The gambling addiction and my obsessions was just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable, the emotional triggers indicated that I was vulnerable and reacted in some very unhealthy ways.
Recovery is about heeling our pains, my emotional triggers were pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, my unreasonable expectations I could not reduce, loneliness due to my fears of intimacy, and feelings of boredom due the fact I felt I did not feel worthwhile or productive in my life.
Each time I went back to gambling was a lesson I was willing to learn from.
How long would it take to heal the hurt inner child.
Only when we admit to our self we are unhealthy can we do some thing about it.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham UK
It has been almost a week since I last posted and I am pleased to say I have remained gamble free.
It's been quite an emotional day for me today though.This morning I attended my 1st ever Gamblers Anonymous meeting. This, as well as handing over my finances is the one thing I had never done in my 14 years or more of having this addiction. These are now things I have done in the past month.
I then attended a scattering of ashes for a close friends mum who passed away from cancer.
It has been a day of reflection.
Finances are still a very touchy subject for me and bring me immense stress and anxiety to the point that this evening, my partner brought up her expenses per month and it has almost given me a panic attack.
We do b**t heads quite often and it is difficult because she will say I don't see what sacrifices she makes for me but I also feel the same way towards her. It's been difficult to talk to her and we both have struggled with things. I do worry about this. Everyone there is a difficult subject to discuss it's too much to handle and we argue without making any progress. How can we overcome when this happens?
Normally this feeling would result in me gambling. I don't really know how to manage this situation as I am feeling very on edge and vulnerable right now. Up until that conversation I felt strong.
I am fighting my own urges as I type this and I know that I need to distance myself from negative thoughts and remember that this is just my anxiety talking to me.
My anxiety is linking her financial situation to me and making me feel as though I am responsible for that.
I need stability and the expectation that others have on me to face my demons and not understanding how difficult and long this process will likely take is at times overwhelming.
I am in a recovery stage and need to focus on this.
I listened to a great share in the GA meeting today and the individual said that they have had to live their life as they are number one by putting themselves first.
I don't feel at least for the past 8 years that I have put myself first. If I have, I have felt like I owe somebody something. That in itself is unhealthy. I am now at a point that it is so important to put myself first by making my own decisions, having my say and being heard. I need to be selfish at this time as I am navigating the early path of recovery as I am vulnerable.
Nobody else has the authority to make a decision in how I manage this. They of course can provide advice and truth be told, i have taken that advice 95% of the time these past near 4 weeks.
I know I am going off on a tangent - this is my anxious mind at this time.
Instead of gambling I am adding a diary entry. I should feel so proud about this, but why do I feel so sad?
Joe
Another day without gambling. I am at 27 days now, nearly a month.
Keeping the positive thoughts and feeling more proud with each day that goes by.
I am over midway through day 28. 4 weeks Gamble free. On Thursday it will be a month and it brings a smile to my face writing this.
I have a busy few months coming up.
I have weekly 121 video sessions with Breakeven on a Tuesday evening., I attend GA on a Saturday morning and on Sunday I am starting a 6 week group course.
In November the 12 week Gordon Moody retreat starts as well so I am utilising all support available to me and it's providing me positive reinforcement.
For 14 years, this addiction had consumed me and I feel as though for the 1st time I am seeing things with real clarity.
It's early days. But a day feels like a week in the early stages and each day for the past few weeks hasn't felt such a struggle.
It's the emotional side of things that are tough. As I am in the early stages of recovery, I am talking about gambling often and it does bring up the emotions when delving deeply into the whys,what's and when's.
Have a good day all.
Well done on going 4 weeks gamble free, I am just starting my own gamble free journey and have just completed day 1. Keep doing what you’re doing, you’re doing so well.
I cannot remember the last time I have made it until 7pm on a payday without gambling. But today is a day that I have achieved this.
It's now over 30 days since I last gambled and I have all the gambling blocks in place, all my standing orders setup, everything organised.
I also don't have that feeling anymore when I knew I had that slightly open door to gamble and the anxiety, immense anxiety that would be consuming me.
It will be a month come Friday and this is a big deal to me.
I am still taking things day by day, I am very proud as I have worked as hard as I can and put everything into this and so far, so good. Long may this continue.
Joe
I am over a month Gamble free now - 32 days.
The first of many milestones I hope. I am putting all I have into this.
@jp1988 fantastic news. Keep going, it really does get easier with time.
Embrace the milestones. It may seem like nothing to some, but each day is a challenge in the beginning. You've made good choices for 32 days in a row. It can be hard to feel proud during recovery, but you will look back one day and feel it.
I have reached 34 days Gambling free.
Yesterday I attended a GA session and my girlfriend joined me which I was very thankful for.
This wasn't a typical GA session either. 4 individuals reached a year gamble free and were given their pins.
It was emotional to see and provided even more belief to me that I can do the same.
I would love nothing more than to be in that position next year. I actually stood up and read the 20 questions in front of all that were in attendance as well.
My efforts have not decreased over these past 34 days. I am aware that I am only one bet away from tumbling back down that mountain.
I also attended the Arsenal game yesterday. This wouldn't have happened if I was still trapped in the never ending cycle of gambling.
I just feel so different. Different to how I have felt in previous attempts at recovery. I feel in control and not ashamed.
I tell myself everyday that I am proud. I will check in again later this week.
37 days Gamble Free. Over 10% of a year.
38 Days Gamble free now.
By the time I attend my next GA meeting on Saturday I would have reached 40 days.
I have my ups and downs each day.Momentary periods of feeling empty. It happens and the life of gambling was always full of immense highs and lows. It's difficult to fill that void.
Thinking about finances still scares the life out of me. I still feel so vulnerable in that regard. Not that I feel as though I will gamble, but I am very aware I have zero assets. I don't own a home, I own very little in terms of material positions and have a debt over my head.
I am aware that as time goes by, my position will become better. Just abstaining from gambling will move the building blocks into position naturally.
It's hard to fill that void where I was always gambling. I am now facing the issue because I am not gambling and navigating that path is very difficult. I see myself more clearly as each day passes, I am feeling the emotions as opposed to ignoring them when I was gambling. Being creatures of habit this will take some getting used to.
I have shed tears these past 38 days, I have felt sad at times. But I know that as long as I don't gamble I will be in a better place.
Watching documentaries on gambling addiction is something I have been doing a lot lately. The Paul Merson documentary is so relatable to me. Not the football career, but i was brought up on a council estate. I always felt I had to give that extra bit because in society I was always a step behind. I always felt as though I was the underdog.
Gambling thrives on these traits. Having a point to prove. When you are used to having nothing the stakes become greater - my whole life I have had nothing, it's almost my comfort.
The times I did win large sums of money I didn't know what to do with it. It would make me more anxious. It just went back to the gambling companies.
It's strange that I often felt a great deal of relief when my last penny was gone after a lengthy gambling session. Its like my mind in that moment was like - you are exhausted and you can at least stop now as you have nothing left to play with - which would have ultimately happened.
My head is definitely clearer than when I was in the cycle. I am not used to this, but because I am not in the cycle and I have nothing to fill the void left behind, I am left to address the underlying issues that caused all of this.
It will take time to understand these issues. No doubt it will bring my emotions out. But I do know this is a natural process. I am just ensuring that I continue to utilise all of the support around me to protect me and keep me safe when that happens.
I have reached the end of day 41 gamble free.
Today I started a Breakeven course called Green shoot and it's just another support and learning experience I am utilising in my quest to be gamble free.
41 days without a bet for me is a big deal.
I have felt stressed and anxious on occasion these past 6 weeks but have challenged what would be normal behaviours (gambling) and instead taking a deep breathe, slowing my mind down and doing something much more productive, such as writing on this diary thread.
I still have wages left over after paying all my commitments (although overtime has helped with this a lot). I am taking it a day at a time and I can't put into words how much better I feel not worrying about how I am going to pay for petrol or that I have not met a financial commitment.
Noting these types of things down like I am doing will be something I know to reflect on in those moments where the inevitable gambling related thoughts come into play.
I am not going to lie, the thought of gambling has crossed my mind, just hearing somebody say ' I bet' causes that thought. I went to purchase something from the shop the other day and I went to a kiosk. I was standing in a long queue and I ended up being stuck in front of the scratch cards for what felt like an eternity. I have never been a scratch card person, but know in the past it has triggered me to think about gambling and then I would go and bet on something more my thing, like sports.
I feel more organised. My resources are currently at capacity with normal daily life, family, work etc and the work I am doing with all the gambling services.
My weekends for the next couple months will be made up of GA and the greenshoot recovery course.
Not a bad thing at all, I just know that I have to face this journey head on. Taking it a day at a time is working for me and each day is a new milestone.
check in, 42 days gamble free.
44 Days Gambling Free.
I haven't felt great today. Commuting to the office is always a long day.
Today I feel frankly quite down. It's been a busy day but in those miniscule moments of quiet (including the time I let my head relax), I know I am not right today.
I am going to have a cup of tea now.
Stay strong all.
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