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Little miss lost
(@little-miss-lost)

Hoping starting a diary will prevent me from gambling. I have previously stopped for three months and I think it was because I wanted to be able to tell my counsellor that I hadn't gambled week after week.
Will it work if I have to write it in my diary day after day - I hope so.
I'm 10 days gambling free and with each passing day I'm finding it more and more difficult. When you've had a big loss it's easier to stop gambling for a few days but then the stupid thoughts come back into my head telling me to have another go - maybe i'll be lucky this time.
Thinking about the games I love to play and the buzz it gives me whilst playing is really a strong pull. I've just got to remember how distraught and desperate I feel when I've lost and hopefully this will stop me.
I'll sign in again tomorrow. I must stay strong.

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Posted : 7th August 2016 11:10 pm
Rob71
(@rob71)

Keep remembering that feeling and you know you can't win because you can't stop. Good idea to start a diary think I might try it. I'm going back to counselling and I've decided to pay for it as I don't want to wait and it's more important than anything else. So maybe put that money you might put on your next spin/bet into something with much more value. I found counselling surprisingly helpful before - before I got complacent - and am going to go again. This time...

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Posted : 7th August 2016 11:28 pm
Loxxie
(@loxxie)

Hey miss..
You ask Will a diary help you stop running to those online slots ?
It helped me immensly in my early days..
The early day emotions were awfull...the urges...the guilt...self disgust....I remember it all...
Keep that triangle broken...keep your diary beside you...just take each day at a time....it can be done ...take a read of my journey...it may help...it may not....online slots will give you NOTHING my love....because as a compulsive gambler you can't stop !
I wish you well...and just ramble away in your diary instead of hitting the slots x

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Posted : 7th August 2016 11:32 pm
Little miss lost
(@little-miss-lost)

6am. Wake up and think about my life - well basically think about my problems. Think about how much I wanted to play the slots last night, pleased with myself that I didn't then re-live the moment 11 days ago when I was winning over £1000 and put it all back in. Think again how it could have cleared my overdraft. I know you shouldn't look back but I've got to because that evening and when I think of it many others made me realise that I'll never win because I can't stop.
Massive problem. It's a massive problem I don't want. I can't be that person. I want to be someone else. Someone who's every waking moment is not full of regret, self disgust, feeling like a fool, hiding away, not wanting to admit. I want to be able to wake up and think nice thoughts. I'm lucky, I've got so much good in my life yet this overwhelming feeling of I'm never going to get out of this downward spiral takes president to all the good things I should be enjoying. Scary thoughts of I'm never going to be able to pay off stupid brainwashed gambling debts. How did those hundreds become thousands??? To think I used to be upset if I went into my overdraft. I'd never had a credit card. Now I've got 3. I'd never taken out a loan now I've got a ВЈ7000 one. I've never borrowed money now I owe my brother ВЈ4000, it was £6000.
Massive, massive regrets. I can't let it take over my life anymore. I want to be free from it. Only I can do it.
Thanks for the comments, encouragement and advice. I hope we can beat this together.

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Posted : 8th August 2016 6:36 am
Loxxie
(@loxxie)

It will get better love...
Not over night...but everyday you don't gamble will be another day that your life stands a chance of improving....
Letting go off all those losses has got to happen....that cash has gone....never coming back....debts can be sorted to a comfortable repayment plan so you can still have a life....you will wake again one morning feeling good...feeling normal...I know you probably can't imagine that now....I couldn't 200 odd days ago....but I promise you that day will come if you stay away from the slots....not easy by any means....but what's the alternative ?
No magic wand love....but it's all within your reach ....x

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Posted : 8th August 2016 8:03 am
Little miss lost
(@little-miss-lost)

Oh for a magic wand! Came home tonight, is it because I've an empty house or is it purely because I love the thought of playing the slots and seeing whether I'll be lucky! I really wanted to have a go and to be perfectly honest the first thing that stopped me was because I'd lose my 11 days gambling free count. Secondly, I did think; do I want to beat this or not - don't do it!!!
It scares me though because I had such a strong pull to gamble. Why should that be when all I'm doing is getting upset about the massive debts I have to pay off?
Well, it's midnight. Another day to add to my tally. I must never forget, I've got to beat this or else I'll lose sooo much.

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Posted : 9th August 2016 12:01 am
Loxxie
(@loxxie)

Massive well done for fighting the urge...and coming here...
You know deep down love...you won't win....
Soon be two weeks ....keep those days building girl x

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Posted : 9th August 2016 12:06 am
Little miss lost
(@little-miss-lost)

Woke up this morning. As usual the first thing I thought of was the situation I'm in. Then realised I had a smile on my face. This was because I had thought - yeh, I never lost any money last night!! Then the moment was spoilt because i then went on to think - ahh but you never won any either! - the sign of a truly sick mind.
At least I'm realising it's sick and not acting upon it. C'mon girl you can do it . . . 12 days and counting!

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Posted : 9th August 2016 9:07 am
Loxxie
(@loxxie)

Yes.....you can do it....and you have for 12 days. ...keep plodding on ....everyday you don't play means money saved !
I know it's hard in these early days...but please please have faith it will get better xx

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Posted : 9th August 2016 9:19 am
Little miss lost
(@little-miss-lost)

Just driving home from a friends. Thinking when I get home I want to play online on the slots. Oh why is it so appealing???? I even felt good when I thought about it, imagining the reels spinning round, wondering if they'd stop on a bonus.
Arrgghhh it scares me, just how much I feel the need to play. 'Normal' people don't have this problem. I don't want this problem!!
I remind myself of the times I've lost loads of money and had to ring the samaritans at 4 in the morning feeling totally disgusted in myself and distraught. The times I've had to ring gamcare at 8 in the morning so they can tell me I'm not a waste of space and that I will be OK coping at work.
Eyes are dropping whilst writing this. Yes, just onto my 13th day. I didn't succumb to the impulse. Want to wake up with another smile on my face x

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Posted : 10th August 2016 12:06 am
Loxxie
(@loxxie)

Massive well done on fighting another urge...you know deep down you won't get that win or that bonus....or even if you did you wouldnt stop .....so no point in wasting your time or money... at least when you wake you can be mega proud that you didn't gave in....a little trick I used in early days when that little voice said .."come on let's play...you'll win...it won't hurt...just a tenner "...I used to say..." your having a laugh...do you I'm stupid enough to give up my hard earned cash and days not Playing to a bloody slot machine. ...now jog on " !
Was another way of giving me time to think about it....like you I can remember when coming home....or waking up....putting my laptop on was done even before I put the kettle on !
I promise you it does get easier ...stay safe x

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Posted : 10th August 2016 7:46 am
Loxxie
(@loxxie)

14 days .....that's 2 weeks when I was at school !
Be proud..well done love x

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Posted : 11th August 2016 8:06 am
Little miss lost
(@little-miss-lost)

Thanks for your question half life. Blocks, that's where I feel I've failed. In my lowest moments I've tried to download k9 and gamblock on my phone but with no success. I also read how these blocks can mess your phones up so that puts me off a bit. When I've tried and failed to download I haven't pushed it mainly for that reason.
I've given my friend my credit cards but I've still got my bank card which has some overdraft left on it which in my head I know I need for living. I know I should give that to my friend along with the credit cards but I (and my daughters for online things!) just seem to use it so much. My daughters usually give me the cash a week later on payday!
I've self excluded from so many sites but we all know how easy it is to find another. So really, I'm glad you asked the question. I've got to do more. Probably from reading the above have a change of lifestyle where my bank card is concerned. I'm sure the urges won't come so much if I knew it was impossible to gamble.
I do only struggle with online gambling which I do on my phone. I've never gone into a bookies or arcade shop and I've never had the inclination to go in one, so to stop being able to gamble on my phone would help.
Am I making excuses??? It sounds like it. I also haven't opened up to family which is what everyone pushes but one day at a time. I'm not kidding myself I know I've got a hard slog ahead. I know you'll probably read this and say that's it she's going to fail but I'm feeling good with myself at the moment so don't be too hard on me!!

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Posted : 11th August 2016 8:09 pm
Little miss lost
(@little-miss-lost)

Thanks loxxie, kind of you to say. I've explained on one of my posts that part of the reason I stopped gambling whilst seeing my councellor was because I wanted to tell her each week I'd succeeded. Looks like you've taken her place with you commenting on another successful gf day for me. I'm having to clock in to you now haha!
No pressure, only kidding x

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Posted : 11th August 2016 8:19 pm
Loxxie
(@loxxie)

Lol...no pressure taken hun !
It's all about you being proud...for you...because youve made the right choices. ..I've probs said before but have you tried parental controls on your broadband...that's what I use...in the early days it's great to have as many stalling blocks as possible...
Open up to your family when you feel you can ....I wasnt keen....but so glad i did...told those that needed to know....same with friends...told the ones I wanted to share it with...x

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Posted : 11th August 2016 11:22 pm
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