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Rituals
(@rituals)

Dear Diary

I think my husband has given up on me. I haven't put into the housekeeping again as I have spent the majority of my wages on-line gambling. The silences are difficult. I have a lot going on with family illness, job stresses, and my own health and there is just no communication - my sister had a major operation today to remove cancer and he hasn't even asked how she is (not that he is close) but she is still a family member.

He knows I "had" an issue in the past with playing on-line and it was all in the open - he "found" my bank statement and left it on my pillow and had totalled how many £s I had spent in a month. This was years ago. I am a repeat offender but then accrued debts (which I was totally in denial that they were gambling debts). He told me that it is my problem that I need to sort out myself. ... I didn't.

Anyway my trigger is the day before I get paid... I lie in bed till midnight waiting for the money to go into my bank so that I can have a little play on the slots. Few hours later I've spent everything. I have never been this bad before as now I have taken out loans to try and get through but have spent these as well. That's when I joined this site. Not to exonerate what I have done but to stop this pattern as I need help.

I have never considered myself as a gambler before or someone with an addiction .. I just considered it my thing I enjoy doing.. .it's my money, it relieves stress etc .. excuse after excuse... but I now recognise I do have a problem that is affecting my health, relationships, finances ( I knew this anyway  at the back of my mind). 

I want my life back - I hate who I have become... a liar, manipulator, a person who is labelled with an addiction - I just hate it. I want to be debt free, I want a happy marriage, I dread to think if I carry on how I will end up.

The phone calls and emails from creditors have started and I've been there before and it really stresses me.  I'm trying to stay calm and dealing with each one - one at a time. I haven't told them I've gambled my money but the bank knows - I can't lie to them... see I'm a liar! 

People who know me would not believe this secret life I have. My family knows and I have to live with it. Every time I have no money I can see it in their eyes....oh she's gambling again.

I believe I have to put blocks on - I really don't know what this is - I only play one site on-line - I don't go into casinos, bookies, bingo, I "just" play on-line when I get paid. I therefore need to close my account. I haven't yet but my reasoning is "i will - it's okay as I have no money to play with"!!

There are "free" games and I'm thinking if I play I may win and can transfer and that will pay some overdraft fees.. I'm chasing it! And then this will happen till pay day and then I lose my wages!

I can't do this cycle again and again and again.

I have to pretend to be someone normal tomorrow when I go to work. 

I just can't bring myself to talk to my husband about it. I told him I haven't put into the housekeeping as I need to pay my car insurance renewal. He knows I'm lying. It's not a loving marriage but I do feel guilty about not contributing again.It's not fair that he has to carry the bills again. I don't like what I have done. I feel ashamed and such a let down. I've done the crying; I'm all cried out, I've done the anger, I've done the self-loathing, I've done the brave face; I've done the wish I could run away from it all; I've done the self-pity.. I'm done, done, done and I still haven't closed that account!!! WHY? WHY? WHY can't I ..... so the anger is in me now. I'm going on to the account to close it NOW.The money has gone and I so want it back. I'm just going to have to work for it.

 

Quote
Posted : 5th August 2019 8:16 pm
Raws
 Raws
(@raws)

I just wanted to send you a big hug. 

It’s s**t, so s**t!

i am the same as u in a lot of ways, have kept a lot from my husband, have a lot of debt and I can’t close my bloody bet account! 

I have self excluded for 6weeks but can’t bring myself to close it. Stupid as it sounds, I don’t want to loose my VIP status..ridiculous! I’m going to be like you now and close it right now! 

Good luck Huni. 

If u ever want to chat please let me no 

xx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th August 2019 8:30 pm
Rituals
(@rituals)

Hi Raws

Thank you so much for the quick response and virtual hug - I really appreciated it - of course I would love to chat! I've never chatted to anyone who understands this!  I don't even understand it myself!

I think it has to  be "cold turkey" and close the account and then that's it. If I self - exclude I will only tick off the calendar days till I can play again - I know I will... as I've lost control. I know I'm chasing my money back and to be honest if I do win I only play it again .. and lose so what's the point I ask myself time and time again... why do I bother as I never withdraw!!  Just what do I think is going to happen?..... a big pay out that will pay off all my debts.. that won't happen.

Oh I do  hope you close the account .... at the end of the day what does that status mean in the big scheme of things - we want to get out of this cycle. I too am a VIP but actually I'm a loser in more ways than one. 

I've done it! I've sent my email off to close the account.

I felt trepidation but now that I have actually done it I feel relieved that I have made a positive step in getting on track.

I don't know what the next steps are but for today I have closed my on-line account and managed to pay my mobile phone bill so I'm on track with that at least!

Tomorrow is a new day and will be day 1 in my opinion of my recovery, my new life, the real me who people respect and love - I want my life back!

I'll try and find your diary Raws x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th August 2019 9:27 pm
Stephen The Virtuous
(@stephen-the-virtuous)

Hello Rituals and welcome to the diaries.

I wish you every success in stopping gambling.

The GamCare Forum gives advice on "Gamstop" and other methods of preventing one from gambling online. It also advises on ways to manage finances and debts. Simply press "Self Help" at the top of this page.

I think you have come to realise that the gambling must stop if you are to have any quality of life in the future. It is an insidious addiction which causes nothing but loneliness, pain and suffering. 

If you have any queries or concerns you can always ring Gamcare and discuss your concerns. You may also like to consider counselling through Gamcare which can be helpful.

Take good care of yourself. 

Leave the gambling in the past and don't look back.

The monies lost are gone forever. We must accept that unpalatable truth or it can draw us back into gambling and even more suffering.

Stephen 

 

This post was modified 4 months ago 2 times by Stephen The Virtuous
ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th August 2019 9:28 pm
Rituals
(@rituals)

Thank you for your advice Stephen - I will have a look at the self-help and I have never spoken with a counsellor before and really nervous about it - but I will consider it as I don't know how I am going to be... especially on my trigger day but I have emailed to close my account.

You are so right about wanting quality of life - I have gambled for over 30 years - I have just realised that! I'm at my worse right now. 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th August 2019 9:41 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hi Rituals,

Firstly, I hope the operation your sister had today went well.

Well done on recognising the problem with your gambling, you've acknowledged how gambling has affected your life, marriage and your health. You’ve noticed the impacts the lies have had on your relationship and that continuing down this path is putting your marriage at risk.

You mention your desire to have your life back including a happy marriage and you understand that to do so you need to start putting blocks in place. Many of our forum users have found self-exclusion alongside such blocks are a great tool in helping overcome their gambling problem.

Some of our forum users have also described additional ways they try to limit their freedom to gamble online, by arranging their finances in ways that slow down how quickly they can access their money or limiting their ability to spend money online. You might read forum posts here where members talk about changing their bank account to remove the facility to spend online, instead using a basic cash card that allows you to withdraw cash on the high street.

Please feel welcome to talk things through with a GamCare adviser on 0808 8020 133 or on our Netline. The advisers can provide emotional support and helpful information, such as how to install blocks and self-exclude as well as facilitate referrals to free treatment support if you'd like to access that service too.

Forum Admin

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th August 2019 11:04 pm
HadEnough
(@hadenough)

Well done for closing the account Rituals, that was a massive step in the right direction. If you can, pick up the phone and speak to a Gamcare advisor. I spoke to a lovely lady almost 2 weeks ago. She was so understanding, didn't judge me, it was such a helpful conversation. 

I recognize the feelings you're going through, it really is an awful thing to be going through. Keep posting on here, we understand and will do our best to support you. Big hugs, take care xx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th August 2019 7:06 am
Rituals
(@rituals)

Thank you Forum Admin for the advice. I have never spoken with a counsellor before and I will do but it will have to be when I have time alone in the home. You have given me some options there to think about. I have asked the online team to close my account and I know come pay day that I will be struggling to pay bills again as I have over committed with loans. I need to sit down and go through what is actually coming in near the end of the month and what I can give to housekeeping and then maybe I will speak with a counsellor.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th August 2019 8:42 pm
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)

Hi Rituals...

 

He has given up on you or you are giving up on yourself? ..sometimes, when we are in such mindset, we don't see things clearly.

 

Welcome to GC. Very glad you found this site as it's very helpful tool in the journey to gf future.

 

You mention you only played on one site. I am glad to read you have self excluded but I would really advice to join Gamstop and put blocks on your devices such as Gamban or Gamblock. Why i say this? Because when urges comes (they will) you will start looking for other sites to "let the steam off". This is serious addiction. It has claimed our brain and when urges strikes we fail to see clearly...so any blocks you can implement - use them. It will only help you in the long term.

 

Try and be kind to you. Addiction isolates us from reality..family and friends. Now you're making this journey back, make sure you treat yourself with kindness. You're not a bad person. You got sucked in into these false promises...you made a wrong choice. You're not alone in this. We all been there.

 

Allow yourself some time. Try not to do everything at once..just one issue at the time. They will lessen in time and everything will look a lot clearer.

 

Look after yourself. Everything will start falling into places accordingly, please believe me. You're not alone, keep posting and sharing, support is out there.

 

S&B xx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th August 2019 8:55 pm
Rituals
(@rituals)

Thank you@hadenough for posting. I think you have struck a cord with me in that you weren't judged when you got the help you received from the counsellor. 

I mean for me to actually be truthful and admit the flaws, mistakes, the deceit, lies, manipulation is soul destroying - I really don't know how I can look in a mirror sometimes! I don't recognise that person and actually I'm not a bad person which makes me so sad. I do anything i can to help others, I love my family - they are everything to me and yet i behave like they don't - I just dont understand it. I'm so ashamed.. I just block everything out as if it hasn't happened and put on the front that I think people want to see. I hate that.

To be able to honestly say the things I have done (taken out loans, borrowed from family and not paid back yet, pawned jewellery, spent wages) makes me feel so embarassed and ashamed and such a let down. I hate myself for it.

I put a £1 a week into a lottery in work - I don't see it as gambling just a bit of fun.... I probably have questions like should i stop this and have complete abstinence? 

My mind is a little all over the place - my husband has spoken with me today - well responded to my questions which is a start but there is the elephant in the room about me not giving him any money. My daughter is asking how much my car insurance is and I have organised it yet.... I don't want to lie anymore... but I just can't tell her i've gambled as I promised her last time i wouldn't (this makes me cry) as she is a wonderful caring person whom I'm telling lies to.

I will have to obtain a quote and hope she just accepts that and doesn't ask me any more questions.

I have managed to speak to another creditor today and arranged a 4 month plan on the arrears to be added to my future payments and I have made token payments on some debts.

I am working overtime and am tired and not loving my job but it is a means to an end to this debt and is keeping me focused. 

Best wishes 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th August 2019 9:04 pm
Raws
 Raws
(@raws)

Yay to closing your account 💜

thats at least step one done 🙂 

how have u been today? 

Are u and hubby ok? Xx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th August 2019 11:16 pm
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

Welcome.

Such a familiar life for you as many on here,so your journey starts now ok...

Understand this is for life

 

Understand no more gambling,not even the £1 lottery at work,sorry no,you cant do that either so stop it,make an excuse up just dont donit.

The debt, been there got the t shirts,time to sit down as you are face up to it and work out payment plans,they can only ever have what you can afford.

YOU MUST SIGN UP TO GAMSTOP.

Sign up for 5 years,today,no excuses do it,I promise this WILL be the biggest thing you do to help YOU.

Now comes the hard part,accepting this is for life,no more,you can never ever gamble again ok.NEVER

The future,....plan,plan the money and then plan a lifestyle that will be different one to what it is now,you have to change and get a new focus.

Start with above and you can start the journey to a better life and be the real YOU again.

Last thing,your family,reach out to them,admit you need help, they sound like the will give it to you.

 

Good luck,we are all similar to you,I am,I've gone 5 months, I'm in it for life and its bloody hard believe me,you are NEVER cured but you can stop gambling,there is a difference.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th August 2019 4:51 am
Rituals
(@rituals)

Forum Admin - I apologise, I never answered the question regarding my sister's operation - when i visited her she was in and out but it was good to see her and she looked well. Will know more once the consultant has spoken with her.

S&B - thank you for your post and support. I haven't given up myself but I genuinely believe he is at the point where I don't think he can take anymore of my behaviour (I'm still lying to him) with regards money. The pressure I think is getting to him and I do feel guilty about this.

You're right about feeling isolated - I feel like I have a double life and when I've lost my money that's when every emotion comes tumbling out and then I feel isolated.

I will speak with a counsellor soon and put some blocks in place to counteract the  urges as I hate to admit it but I do/did love playing but I can't carry on.

Hi Raws - Yesterday I was really tired - I've had an okay night's sleep and when I wake through the night my head was thinking of the site. I'm trying to be strong and practical not emotional at the moment. I'm trying to deal with one problem at a time. ~ My husband is responding to my questions so that is an improvement. He has always been a bit  aloof anyway and is not the type of person who asks "hows your day been" but I do find it really difficult when he is ignoring me but I suppose that is his coping  mechanism and i don't want to push him anymore. He is looking at thing from a financial perspective and not to sound like I'm wallowing but there is just no support from him to help me get through this - emotionally I mean.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th August 2019 7:02 am
TTFG
 TTFG
(@ttfg)

Every you noted in your first post resonates with me. 

Every month the same cycle. Staying up until midnight and the relief for that brief moment that you have some money. Then before you know it it is all gone again and you are effectively hustling your way through another long month.

Its so heartbreaking.

Please try hard to break that habit. Have an early night the evening before you are paid. You will have more hours sleep and and once you have broken the habit and started a new cycle it could become easier.

It is so helpful having an outlet to air your problems like these forums. They could be the strength you need to help you through. If you need support i am here like many others.

 

I know its hard, but the hardest thing is admitting you have a problem and without even realizing it, but by posting on here, that is already a turning point. A very positive one at that.

 

Joey.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th August 2019 8:47 pm
Rituals
(@rituals)

Hi Holycrosser - thank you for your sound and kind advice. I'll be honest ... your comment you can never gamble again in my life made me feel uncomfortable - "hit home" so to speak.  know I want to never gamble and I recognise I need help and when I can i will speak to a counsellor. I never thought I would need Gamstop ... I'd never heard of it before joining this forum. I never admitted to myself that I am a gambler... I still hate saying it and I dont want to admit it.... but I know I am....To think I will never be cured ... it's hard to hear as part of me thinks I dont want this label. I know I will have to have control to stop.

Your advice about making a plan I sincerely take on board - I do want my life back and I do want to be debt free and retire and its hard to think I'll get there - in reality it's not that far off for me (not the being debt free)! But I can see a future and for me I need to stop gambling that one night a month (mostly).

My plan is firstly to stop gambling - i've asked to close my account, i need to speak to a counsellor and sort blockages out - this confuses me but I'm sure I'll understand more once I've spoken to a counsellor. I have no money to gamble so I;m okay till the end of the month and I'll put these blocks in place before then.

Secondly I'm sorting out the payment plans - working on this much more at the weekend. I'm working extra to play catch up.

The only person in my family who will help me is my daughter - she thinks I have stopped (before joining) and I have told her that I am on this site and she is asking why? Am I gambling again?

I've said no but I get inspiration and advice and i understand it and it stops me wanting to play. She wants me to be happy and understands I am in debt and has in fact helped me financially in the past much to my shame and I still need to pay her back but she says she doesnt need it.  One day I will pay her back though - that is for sure!

I dont want to involve her too much as she is a young lady who is starting her journey in life to buy a house and has a wonderful bright future ahead of her with her partner .. I want to make her (and her sister) proud of me (they say I'm a great mum) but I don't want them to think oh mum's gambling again and lose their respect.

Actions speak louder than words in their eyes.

That's amazing 5 months into your journey - well done xx I hope it gets easier for you and I'll try and find your diary. xx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th August 2019 10:28 pm
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