Day 73
Hi everyone, I joined the forum back in June this year and have been reading lots of other posts, commenting on a few, but kind of afraid to post myself. Now I feel more confidence in my recovery the time is now!
Looking back I can't even pinpoint when it all began I just know its been a about a year and half which doesn't seem like long but it hooked me rapidly.
I'm a sahm of 4 youngest is 5 and oldest 15. My husband works full time and other than school, housework etc I'm a carer to my mum so life can be quite mundane and thankless at times. My husband is amazing and certainly does his share with the house and kids which is why I kept my secret for a long time. I came clean to my sister first last year because she noticed my moods and it felt such a relief to tell someone. I managed to stop for a good for months then bam the monster hit and I was sucked back in. Clearly my willpower alone wasn't enough. I'm pretty sure boredom is a major contributor! My behaviour immediately changed and it got so bad my husband thought I was cheating on him. I was making myself ill, I was neglecting the kids and the housework was never getting done. I nearly confessed so many times this thing was driving me crazy! Then one Sunday morning in march, after yet another sleepless night I just blurted it out, the whole sorry story I was in tears and thought he was gonna leave me and take the kids with him. He was shocked, upset, angry and disappointed. I couldn't believe I had done all this. You see the worse thing in all this is I had two credit cards in my husbands name which he got for me to do balance transfers etc and which I have had complete control over/paying. I was gambling my share of bills money etc then panicking and doing money transfers from these credit cards into my account. It was mortifying admitting this to him, the man who had complete trust in me. He didn't take control of the cards back from me which he should have done.
I thought the look of disappointment would have been enough to make me quit. Nope. I relapsed for a few weeks in april/May, he guessed due to my change in behaviour and in June that was it I had to stop. I signed up to gamstop and gave him his credit cards back. I have never missed a payment for any of my debt and I hope I never will but I didn't have that much spare money to start with and now have even less. Its my fault and my problem I won't let him help me with repayments. Now I have bill money and whatever is left I put towards Xmas in a separate account.
I still have daily urges and will not say this is easy in the slightest but I'm taking it one day at a time and fighting the urges by talking to my husband and keeping myself busy.
My demon was online slots gambling and it won't beat me again.
I've got this!
Always. Keep. Fighting.
For those who have sat and read my story without falling asleep, THANKYOU!
D x
Hi Donna, I myself am addicted to online slots.
Everything you have wrote I'd how I've been. The not doing anything around the house. The mood swings. Sadly I killed my marriage with my constant spending bill money. Robbing Peter to pay Paul.
I made the decision to let him go. He's happy with someone else which truly breaks my heart.
I've always been a online slots gambler and when I lost my mom nearly 2 years ago. It got whole lot worse. So much worse.
I would always pay my bills and gamble all what was left.
Now I spend bill money. Rent money. You name it. I feel truly out of control and so sad. Hopefully we can all help each other on here. I'm on Day 1.
Angie xx
Hi Anjiedee,
I'm so sorry about your marriage and your mum, two very heartbreaking things to happen. You have strength though even if you don't think you have, I read through your previous posts and you have come back on here which means you still have the will to kick this thing into touch. Did you get any more counselling? Do you still have all blocks in place? Since I signed up to gamstop I've not even attempted to try get on anything! I've also read Alan carrs book on gambling which made a lot of sense to me, maybe worth a read?
You can beat this, we all can we just need to keep fighting the urges and take one day at a time. If you fall get yourself back up and don't beat yourself up about it. There is tonnes of advice on here but you sound like you need more deep routed help if you are feeling you don't want to be around anymore. I've had those thoughts it's not a good place to be.
You can do this, believe in yourself!
Im going to be posting on my recovery regularly, please do the same, maybe we can help each other, we are worth it!
D x
Day 74
Want to do some decorating but can't, due to having no money! Get so annoyed with myself for what I've gambled away. My daughter is 16 next year and wanted to take her away for the weekend but that probably won't happen either as no disposable saving money. WHY! Because of me!
Anyway today will be another day GF!
Happy Sunday everyone!
Always. Keep. Fighting.
Just a gentle reminder to myself....
I CAN do this!!!!!
Hello Donna, welcome to the forum.
Well done on reaching 74 days gamble free. It sounds like you’ve regained a bit of control in your life after a turbulent 18 months or so. The past is the past, and we can only change what’s ahead of us.
You’re doing fantastically well.
Keep on winning in life 🙂 x
Hi Dan!
Thanks for your message it means a lot. I've read through your posts and to get where you are today is a great achievement. Telling your girlfriend seems to have been the game changer this time around and it does make such a difference having that support there.
I'm looking forward to getting to the 100 day milestone!
Happy Bank Holiday!
D x
I’ve no doubt you’ll get to the 100 days! You’ve come so far already.
Keep updating your diary and reading through the other diaries on here for inspiration.
Have a lovely bank holiday too..x
Hi Donna, great to see you managed to start a topic.
You’ve made a great start it good that your partner knows about he needs to be on his guard. Gambling thrives on secrecy honesty and transparency are key.
The debt will take a while to come down after al you didn’t get in this mess overnight but they will get better as long as you avoid that first bet. Try and speak to the companies you owe and set up a plan that leaves you enough to still have a life, there’s no point in stretching yourself to thin you will only start to resent paying it back and look for other ways to boost your income ie gambling and that won’t work
Keep going as you are and things will improve
KTF
Thanks Dan!
On here a few times a day at the moment 🙂
Dx
Hi KTF!
Yes got here eventually ha!
You're right, I was doing everything in secret, glued to my phone and I resented everything I had to do on a daily basis like cleaning, not surprised my husband thought I was cheating.
The majority of my debt is on my husbands two credit cards and I won't let his credit rating suffer because of me. I do have a couple of my own cards but only small limits and as I don't work as such I can't get anymore credit right now. I won't let him bail me out it's not fair and probably wouldn't help me in the long run, I need to go through this process. Not being able to do the things I'd like is kind if my punishment. Being able to talk to him helps but I can tell sometimes he thinks I might be doing it again if I'm on my phone innocently, it hurts to know we don't have 100% trust anymore. I will get that back!
I'm on day 75 and feel much calmer than I did in the early days but everyday is still a struggle, mentally aswell as financially. As I'm a sahm and don't "earn" a wage it's going to take what seems forever to get straight again.
Anyhow, another day GF half done...roll on the next!
Dx
I have all the blocks in place. Gamstop is on. But I had accounts open in my exes name which I used.
There all closed now. I haven't gambled yesterday or today and I will not gamble tomorrow either.
I am going to ring for some counselling as I feel I need help. Well done you for being so strong. Yes we can definitely help each other along the way 🙂
Hi Anjiedee
Keep up the GF days and feel proud for every single one of them!
You are taking all the right steps, close everything and exclude! I think counselling will definitely be good for you. Come on here regularly there are so many lovely people just like us, it's good to talk to people who understand!
Let's keep this going 🙂 x
End of day 75 gf
....happy with that 🙂
3/4 of the way to three figures 🙂
Dan x
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