Time to start my diary ...

Hi Equinox

Thanks for the post on my diary.

As we need to keep reminding each other, an urge is just a passing thought that we can dismiss if we decide to. We must not give it some undeserved hold over us.

Muststop123

I watched a twitch gambling steam today, finding myself fast forwarding to the Blackjack and Roulette sections. Not the best thing for me to do, but it only lasted a few minutes before I bored myself with it. It still felt like a betrayal to myself - with this behaviour being a mix of grubby, embarrassing, pointless and selfish.

That said, things have been so much better for me this year. I normally get a six mile walk in each day, or if not, do some gym work. I'm keeping busy with my own work too, and spending good time with my family.

I still tend to wake each evening with night terrors - this has been happening for about four years now. It sounds silly when I write it - but they are quite unpleasant. Going to bed is always a bit of a dread. But I'm trying my best to work through them. I'm beginning to recognize that I'm probably quite an anxious person and this has created all sorts of behaviours in me - some good, some bad. And gambling being one of the bad ones, always promised to be a big escape from those anxieties.

I had a good think about my gambling today and the difference not gambling has made to my life in general. I do feel like my mood is much more stable these days. It's a real plus not having to deal with the constant ups and downs of the wins and losses along with the constant thinking up of plans and strategies.

I'm still trying to give myself a break from drinking too. Tonight I really fancied a drink (it's been about 2 weeks since my last one) but decided to have a cup of tea instead and do a bit of late night work (although I've found myself cheating by coming on to this site). The trouble is I can feel the anxieties creeping back into my life - but maybe now's the time for me to face them without automatically turning to something that provides a big and usually numbing distraction.

I'm still trying to keep healthy by doing an hour or two of exercise each day - usually a very long walk or some weights, but nothing too strenous. I had to wear one of the 24 hour blood pressure monitors a couple of weeks ago, but the results came back as high/normal so I need to keep an eye on it - but there's no need for medication, thank the stars. So I'm glad about that.

I'm going to set myself some personal goals - first on the list will be to try to sort out my sleeping habits. Earlier bedtimes for me would be a good start.

I'm also trying out the fad of meditation. I've been attempting this on and off for about 5 years but have lacked the commitment to do it everyday. Recently I've tried to stick to this habit and even though it's very early days, it's helping me to see my thoughts a little more clearly and not automatically engage with them. Which is a real help detaching me from my gambling urges. So I really should try to stick at that.

The days being gf seem to roll by quite effortlessly with blocks in place. I still catch myself thinking about gambling with my rosey specs but it doesn't amount to much and is far from a pull. I also think about the benefits of not gambling about 100 times more.

If I could somehow measure how much trouble forcing myself to go cold turkey with gambling has been, it would be an insignificant amount. A couple of pointless yearnings here and there that end as quickly as they start. My low-level backache or a sore throat has probably caused me much more grief.

So to some extent, without being complacent, I think I've got this cracked. It always feels foolish and a bit ignorant to say that - but as long as my blocks are in place, there's little to no chance of me returning to my old ways.

This year has been so much better with not having to deal with gambling in my life. I'm hoping that belief firmly engrains itself into my head and bit by bit I'll come to see gambling as the dumb and destructive thing it really is.

I was in London today, land of the glitzy casinos. Being there usually triggers a barrage of gambling urges, but - and this is a first since being hooked - I had this 'I really can't be bothered' attitude to gambling. I was walking along the Euston Road, with my hand in my pocket and I could feel a loose wad of notes, and then I thought, even if I could, I really don't have the energy to try to spin this to a win on the roulette table.

It was a 'bird i'the hand is worth two in the bush' feeling. I'm happy with what I've got.

As with all things gambling related, this is probably temporary, and I'll end up feeling the polar opposite in a few days. But it was a good feeling as I walked along the road.

My hope is I'm changing, slowly, to being a happy non-gambler.

Failed and failed and failed again.

But the blocks are stopping me from gambling. I haven’t tackled the root cause of why I feel compelled to gamble , so until I do, I imagine my mind frame won’t change. 

I write this, far away from home, all ready to gamble but I know I can’t. Gamstop and SENSE and the pointless 2 pound max stake at the bookies all stop me from wasting my money. 

I spend chunks of time away from home and it’s time like these when the casinos pull me in. It seems like when I’m away from home, I go into some sort of self destruct - it might be gambling, drinking and just not sleeping. I honestly feel like there’s two of me - the home me, which is, on the whole, very functional - and the away from home ‘me’.

This isn’t just since I’ve gambled, it’s something I’ve experienced since being a very young man. When alone, I tend to dive into some sort of black hole. On these road trips I tend to spiral into to some kind of  oblivion. It’s not a letting my hair down kind of thing, or being unfaithful, but just a terrible ‘blackness’ - a void of some sort. 

Anyway, I’m now in a city that I was also in a few weeks ago. A few weeks ago, I wanted to gamble - and there was a casino, so I tried to enter. I put on glasses and looked serious so I could pass myself off as my brother. Entering, I gave his name, address and said sorry I didn’t have my card with me. They welcomed me as my brother.  Happy as Larry, I pretty much leaped to the roulette table and gambled and won and lost and won and lost and won  but  after about 20 minutes I noticed some staff were walking past me a bit too much and making very subtle but not very subtle head movements my way. I knew something was up. Then the white shirt manager asked if I’d enrolled to SENSE. He named my name, he named the casino I’d enrolled from, he named the time and date.  Truly busted. My money was given to charity. Which felt good and bad at the same time.

But I was really impressed by how effective the SENSE system was. I think facial recognition discovered me. 

So, I’m in this city and I know I wouldn’t mind gambling, but I’m glad I can’t because of how damned clever the blocking systems are. 

This is all a few weeks ago, so I’m over the sting. I know I want to gamble. But as long as I keep the blocks in place, I’m just going to be left with an impulse. So what, to that. 

I struggle to leave advice in other peoples’ diaries because I’m still a gambler. But I could copy and paste  this into the diaries of everyone who is struggling  - ‘join Gamstop, join SENSE’ 

It won’t be problem solved, but it will be no more money lost. 

The days really do roll by and I'm finding myself visiting my diary less and less often. I feel as if I only say one thing here in my diary. 

But I'll keep saying it. I don't for one minute think I've got this cracked. In fact, I'd say it's the opposite - if I could gamble, I probably would. No doubt I'd hum and haw for a bit but then give in and go running to a casino or log online. And then there'd be the big belly full of regret ...but I can't gamble.

All blocks are so rock solidly in place, it is impossible for me to give in to any gambling urges. And I like it that way. I don't like the urges (they amount to nothing much) but I really like the way the choice is no longer mine. For most things in life, having this kind of restriction would be a pain - but not for gambling. Or any addiction, I'd say. Take away the cookies and put them far out of reach. 

I've still not tapped into what makes me want to gamble, but that seems like a subject to tackle at another time. In a way, it doesn't interest me - me and my dull urges. 

I don't think many people read this diary, but if you do and you want to stop gambling online or in casinos, please put in the blocks. The advice seems too simple, but it does really work. Or has for me. 

Bookies seem like a much harder beast to tackle because as far as I'm aware you can only exclude area by area. I've never really use them. Thank goodness. 

I had a happy thought yesterday. It occurred to me that I've had a good six months of being virtually gamble free.

I did have that embarrassing blip at a casino when I tried to pass off as my brother, but apart from that (which I know I'll never attempt again) it feels good to think that more than 99% of 2019 has been free of any of the agonies and selfishness of gambling. And the six months have flown by. 

I still get occasional pangs and silly, almost romantic yearnings for the roulette table, but they can quite happily stay as occasional and silly pangs. 

I read a news story the other day about the planned closures of a huge amount of betting shops across the UK because of the bet reduction on the Fobts. I know it's obvious, but it highlighted just how much money people would lose on these machines. So I'm glad the £2 max stake is now in place. 

Hi Equinox,

Many congratulations on six months gamble free! You seem to have become very good at being able to manage the occasional impulses to gamble and you have learned that these impulses get better and don't last very long. You do not have to act on them. They will and do pass.

I am sure that many members here like the sound of this and that others will take your post as an encouragement to keep going.

Kind wishes

Gabriele

I’m still hanging in there but what makes things more difficult is that I can’t seem to stop myself from romanticising about how exciting gambling was.

There are and have been plenty of moments when I can’t stand the thing, but it’s not long before this attitude shifts into something much more forgiving. It honestly frustrates me that I think this way, and really don’t know how to change my thinking. Maybe it’ll always be this way. But as long as I’ve got blocks in place it’s just something that I can muse about with no damage done. 

It’s said that you need to want to give up an addiction before you have a chance of succeeding, so this is where I feel like I’m spinning in a loop. At the top of the loop, I love the gamble and then the decline follows to hating it, right at the bottom of the loop, before I start keenly climbing my way back to loving it again. And on and on it goes. 

It’s all so plainly stupid and pointless. And wasteful even - Just the fact that I’m wasting precious moments of my life typing about some stupid loop that doesn’t even exist. 

One of my brothers was over from America the other day and suggested we meet in Brighton. Right on the seafront was a casino. I had such a longing to go inside. I couldn’t - but it was like I’d actually bumped into some long lost lover that stopped me dead in my tracks and made my heart go boom boom. 

I try to remember the hatred I felt towards gambling and casinos when I enrolled to SENSE back in January, but it seems I only give weight to remembering the good and not bad. 

But as long as I’m a million miles away from being able to join any online gambling sites, I feel pretty safe. 

Anybody reading this - please keep your blocks in place. That’s my gospel advice for anyone wanting to bring an immediate end to their gambling. 

It's been a tricky day today. For the first time in years and years, there's no family in the house until late tomorrow afternoon. Like clockwork, given the opportunity I've been toying with the idea of taking that 50 min train trip to London and indulge myself with a few hours of casino play. 

I've been to the station once already and quickly did a u-turn back home. I exercised instead. Then watched half of a film. Bought some wine. Only had one glass.  But I keep checking train times.

I'm writing this now to put this urge into perspective. Reading how feeble this whole dilemma sounds in writing will force a pause on myself and waste some time, making train catching impractical heading to London and back before the last train back home. 

Part of my plan today was withdraw some money from my building society, which I did. And now it's sitting here. 

But the thing is, when I think about gambling I want to gamble big, but when I think buying myself something I think a few tenners. I've been humming and hawing about a 20 pound purchase today for my business. 

It's as clear as day is day that I'm showing all the symptoms of an addiction but it's just that urge inside seems so powerful. It's not, that's what I need to remember.

What caused me to u-turn from the station was I imagined a best case scenario for myself ...  even if I headed back with bundles of cash in my pocket, I'd feel cheap and dirty and the whole thing would seem ultimately pointless. Plus, it would signal a whole new era of addiction for me. And I couldn't face texting that goodnight message to my wife, pretending to be at home. 

I know I'd gamble till I lost everything. That what my practical honest self tells me. 

I read my first post here, to remind me why I'm here. It shocked me that after 2 years I can't shake off this mind frame about gambling. It's like being in a loop. Thinking the same pointless thoughts about gambling as if it's some sort of answer to happiness. 

I've just checked the time on my computer and I've missed the train I was hoping to catch. So, job done. 

It's 9.30 and there's no way the London trip is happening. 

This struggle is such a day to day thing. But maybe that's what makes it manageable - just take each moment, each urge in isolation and it might not be such a big thing to tackle. 

But I know I'm so far away from sorting this out.

Job done. Nearly midnight. Last train to London not going to happen. 

I entertained the idea of staying in the casino till 5 for the first train back. So glad I'm here with a bed waiting and no money lost. 

well done equinox!

Forum Admin

Thanks, but not quite. 

It's 2am and I'm now looking at Uber prices to London. 

I hate this addiction. It's got 50% pull and 50% repulsion. I need to force myself to bed.