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Missd1980
(@missd1980)

Day 1. 

Hi all I used to be here some years ago and found it helped so much so here I am again in a hope I can find myself again, build my life again. Here's my story.... so I was in control when I left the site, debts were being handled, I was in a much happier space mentally, life was looking up untill

3 years ago my father was diagnosed with esophageal cancer his wife left there home and I took on the role of his carer (I love my dad) though hard raising two of my boys which are at home, working and being on my own we coped until we were told it was terminal. As I watched him deteriorate so did I. I started playing slots on my phone again as I sat in his room with him knowing I didn't think of anything else as I played I started turning to it more and more. Whilst I played I didn't feel alone, I didn't feel helpless and if I won well it was a good day anything was better than feeling how I did

My dad died 18 months ago, I dont believe I've dealt with this (lots happened with the rest of my family and was a horrible affair) in truth I feel so much anger. I have still being playing online before it was the odd 10 pounds, my bills were all still being paid, it was affordable but I knew it was taking control of me again this last few months ive been gambling more. Ive had to lend money etc etc last night I sat and sobbed when I realised I'd spent all my bill money. It was like I was someone else i didn't notice until to late. 

My son has borrowed me the funds to pay bills (I am absolutely ashamed of myself) this year all my past debts are paid off (its been a hard slog). I want to be better i want to get some control before I screw things up beyond repair. I have applied for the ccbt course on here, ive started doing a mindfulness course beginning of jan (my Councillor advised it to try help).  I have self excluded from the couple of sites I could go on (others were all previously excluded from) i had put blockers on realising id set the wrong date and when trying to do it permanently I had to send id which I did but then didn't seem to happen so re visiting this to try ensure its in place before a new site pops up 

And this is day 1 

This topic was modified 3 weeks ago by Missd1980
Quote
Posted : 9th January 2021 12:01 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hello Missd,

Welcome back to the forum and thank you for sharing your story with us. I am glad to see that posting here helped you last time and I am sure you will get the support you are looking for this time around too.

I am sorry to read about your Father passing away. The last 3 years sounds like they have been an awful lot for you to deal with. Especially when bringing up your children too. From what you said, gambling felt like an escape for you in your most difficult days. It is understandable to want to step away from all those emotions even just for a while.

You have said that last night was really tough for you when you realised you had spent your bill money. It sounds like you have reached out to your family for support, you have registered for CBT treatment and you have put the blocks in place that you need. You are doing really well to face this and you should be very proud of yourself for taking the steps you have already. Well done.

You haven’t mentioned if you have or not, but our advisers are always available for a call. Even if you would just like to offload to someone about everything that has happened in the last few years. You can do this by using our Livechat or by calling the advisers 24 hours a day on 0808 8020 133. They can also go through the blocks you have in place and suggest ways to make those stronger.

It might be good for you to look at Cruse for some support regarding your Father passing away. You said you don’t think you have dealt with this yet, it might be that talking to them could help with that. 

You aren't alone in this, so please do keep posting here on the forum.

Take care,

Rebecca

Forum Admin.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th January 2021 9:28 pm
Missd1980
(@missd1980)

Thank you, I havent at present spoke to an advisor and I think right now I don't need to, I have spoke again in length with my son (he's 20) about my actions and my plans on recovery again. My 2 eldest sons are aware of my addiction (I do try to raise them with open honesty and for them to know nobody is perfect as I hope they learn from me rather than be where I am). I will look into cruse though thank you and thank you for your support 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th January 2021 10:22 pm
X M
 X M
(@x-m)

You're taking the correct steps now. It's so hard to cope with a loss. Gambling is an escapism from all the sadness but it is also a demon that is using your emotional state to take advantage of you. 

Just have to remember that nothing you do now can ever change the past. But you can control your future to a certain extent. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 10th January 2021 11:44 am
Missd1980
(@missd1980)

Day 2.

Im stinging today more with the failing my boys than the loss of a lump sum i already know  to accept that as its gone so I have been taking it out on a good old dettol clean. 

I'm not having urges to gamble as such usually I am OK with handling this if I dont play at all. Its when I do play the problem occurs as I  trance out (I don't know how else to explain it) and can't stop. I have been going over things in my head, quandering how irrational it is! you see I am quite a rational person I know the outcomes, know I shouldn't gamble fullstop.been burnt more times than I can forgive. Yet here I am again. I mean how silly that I won't buy something if I know its on offer and cheaper elsewhere yet I can squander hundreds of pounds on gambling in the blink of an eye. Its insanity in its finest. I was trying to explain this to my son yesterday but how do you explain this behaviour?? How can you explain rather than talking to someone you'd instead rather throw x amount of money away instead? That you find solace in this, friendship some may say. 

I know my gambling addiction is attached to my emotional state of mind at the time, thats when the binges come, even if I win in these binges I play till I lose it all like I want to lose!  To gain confirmation  that im a loser or that I know I will lose everyone, everything. At 40 years old and knowing my addiction I wonder if ill ever truly have some control on the self destruction button. 

And today is just day 2

ReplyQuote
Posted : 10th January 2021 11:56 am
Missd1980
(@missd1980)
Posted by: X M

You're taking the correct steps now. It's so hard to cope with a loss. Gambling is an escapism from all the sadness but it is also a demon that is using your emotional state to take advantage of you. 

Just have to remember that nothing you do now can ever change the past. But you can control your future to a certain extent. 

Thank you , I am indeed trying to straighten the path. And appreciate the support  

ReplyQuote
Posted : 10th January 2021 12:00 pm
Missd1980
(@missd1980)

Day 3... 

Today has not been a good day 😒 i didn't sleep well didn't help that my next door neighbours decided to have a party last night, then i worked all day  (people can be quite rude right now) and then i wondered if it was me being a little over sensitive ( could be right??). Argued with my middle son,(regular occurance)  (16 knows everything up all night playing xbox sleeps all day and im the worst as I make him do his college work. Today would have been a day I would have gambled just to block out how d**n right rubbish I feel,

But..   

instead I did module one on the cbt course, wow did I not expect that to send my head realing, (maybe I should have left it for another day) however I pushed on, I am tbh very insightful to the reasons, the whys, my triggers, the outcomes. So why did it hurt..... to write the truth in black and white... to reread the awful truths back.  full stomach punch hit me that I still am asking myself why knowing what I know, knowing what it causes did I and would without blockers still continue to do. this to myself, to my family and why when I recall the memory of being a girl in nobles (slots venue) most days of the week with my parents do I still smile and recall it like a good thing. 

My brain hurts from questioning myself so i am going to try sleep 

Today is just day 3 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11th January 2021 9:53 pm
Missd1980
(@missd1980)

Day 4.

Today has been a quiet mind one thank goodness, ive worked all day dreading tomorrow (we now have to start refusing people without masks and as we know people are rather rude sometimes I can see some backlash coming), my eldest cooked mac n cheese for our tea and even did the pots, the middle woke at 1 (earliest hes been awake this last week)  texted to apologise,did some college work and even the youngest was in bed no arguments for bedtime 🙂 (I think I returned to someone else's home haha . We watched TV as a family this evening and it dawned on me that I couldn't remember the last time we had done it, not without me being on my phone or the boys retreating to there room. I stopped the mindtalk as soon as it started about this as I dont want to ruin today  

Today is a good day 

And its only day 4 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th January 2021 10:50 pm
Missd1980
(@missd1980)

Today work has been good, after the first module of cbt I set to thinking about what I want going forward and thinking about how to get it. I was pleased to speak to my area manager who expressed that as soon as I was ready to give him the nod, he would see that my progression was fast tracked, so I am giving myself the rest of this year to finish paying of my debts, to find a way around childcare for progression to begin. For this to become reality I must not gamble!! 

I know my attachment to gambling is attached to my emotional well being at the time so I was wondering if anyone else's was linked to the same ?? And how do you deal with your urges when feeling low?? Any tips or suggestions are most welcome. I am currently doing a mindfulness course in the hope to retrain my brain and break habits. 

Today is just day 5 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 13th January 2021 7:19 pm
Tommyt124
(@tommyt124)

Hi missd well done for coming on here and starting your journey I've also been here before and caved in to the gambling I do the same but with football I'm only 12 days in but I've spent nearly every night having tea with my family and it's great I'd usually wanting to go up stairs ready to watch my footy bets and ignore everything else. I don't know if you know but there's a government run company called gam stop which will self exclude all UK gambling company's so u can't play slots any more good luck with stopping just think of your lads and how proud they will be of you 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 13th January 2021 8:05 pm
Missd1980
(@missd1980)

Thank you Tommy, its good actually taking in whats happening with the family isn't it, im waiting on Gamstop to confirm my id as I'd pressed the wrong time frame and when I tried to do it again it wouldn't let me, I have self excluded from all sites I play on and others where already in place from last time, new ones just pop up all the time gggrrrr and I just don't trust myself when I get low and seem to trance out.

I hope your well. 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 13th January 2021 8:34 pm
Missd1980
(@missd1980)

I havent been on for a few days as have been wacking in the overtime this has been a help as no time to even think about gambling, and a good way to make up for the last mess up. 

cCbt app in place, mindfulness course in full swing tbh im not in a bad place but I think that's down to keeping busy. So maybe this is a way forward right now 

Today is just one more day 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th January 2021 7:33 pm
Missd1980
(@missd1980)

Day 12. 

The last few days have been a bit of a blur as my brother needed my help due to mental health reasons, whilst caring for him and repeatedly reminding him all he has to live for. It set my mind on reminding myself what I have to live for, what I have to fight to be better for 

When I started this diary I told myself that id write when I got an urge and although this is my plan I find more and more that the urge comes when I'm feeling low, ive thought about gambling quite alot this last few days to blot out what's happening im happy to say I havent due to blockers but without them I'm sure I'd have failed. Anybody else follow this path?? And how are they dealing with it?? 

Today is another day 

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Posted : 20th January 2021 8:52 pm
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