The start of my journey

Hey Steven,

Thanks for the support! Know there is still a long way to go and likewise with the support! If you ever need anything just reach out! I'll try and catch you in the chat rooms as well!

Matt

Day 10 - Double digits!

I cant believe it's been 10 days already! That's quite surreal! It's been an interesting 10 days really. I've had a few urges but nothing as bad as I anticipated. I think starting on the day I came clean to everyone really helped as its motivating me to do the right thing.

I think I also spent a lot of time contemplating on what the other side of this would look like, I imagined it to be this really bad place which I think only made me continue gambling more.

Had my first row though yesterday with my partner. We dont really argue that much and its normally over the most stupid thing, just when were both in a bad mood. That was so tough as his coping method is to just ignore me until he calms down. It left me alone for a few hours, angry, frustrated and that was tough to get through.

I'm back to work tomorrow which is when the real test begins. Currently working from home I'm sat there for 10 hours a day on my own which I would usually gamble in my breaks and lunches.

Feel like the week off came at the perfect time though, managed to get my head on a better place and after working out finances with my partner (something I've never really done) has opened my eyes to not just how much debt I'm in, but how much money we could have had.

I'm still determined to do this, I just need to get through this next week and once I've proved to myself I can do that, I think I'll feel a lot stronger to beat this.

Signing off for now, I'll keep you update how it goes!

Matt ❤

Day 11

First day back at work and the first really challenging day being gamble free.

Currently working from home just alone in the house has made my gambling a lot worse. Found today to be the most difficult day so far being away from my partner.

Hes been honest with me today about how difficult hes finding it at the moment, hes worrying everytime I'm on my phone in the evening, he cant sleep until I go to bed because he thinks I might be gambling and hes constantly worrying at work. I've told him anything I can do to make him feel better I will do.

I'm never going to get that trust back and I know that, but finding it difficult to focus on myself knowing how much its hurting him.

I know the only way I can make him more at ease is to prove how serious I am. Words mean nothing anymore and only actions will help us move forward.

I'm going to fight this for us. I cant live without him and I owe him that.

I'll keep you all updated ❤

Matt

Hey Matt,

Well done on achieving day 11, that's a massive conquest in itself, especially like you say working on your own. 

I'm encouraged to read in your latest entry about actions speaking louder than words, which shows you have a massive fighting spirit to beat this and fight to the end. I am confident that you will succeed with the hard effort you are putting it, and with the support of your partner and family. Keep being strong!!!

Best Wishes

Steven x 

Day 13 - 1 day until 2 weeks

I cant believe at this point it's been nearly 2 weeks already! I think the timing of the week off really helped as me and my partner were together the whole week. This Monday was by far the toughest day so far in terms of the burgers I had but also how my partner felt.

Hes really supportive and I know he bottles things up because hes trying to stay strong for me, the problem is though because he wont open up about his feelings it drags him down to lower than low and given what I've done, I know I cant make it better and that pain kills me.

I think over the last 2 days it's been a bit better, it's really hard for me to open up to him after keeping all these secrets for so long but I'm really trying to just talk about money, about how I'm feeling and trying to get him to tell me how he feels. I feel like its bought us closer together in a strange way. Obviously not in terms of trust which is going to take a lot of time to rebuild but in terms of being more open.

2 weeks tomorrow and it's also my Mums birthday, my parents have also been so supportive and understanding and I think the support of all 3 of them is the one thing that keeps motivating me to do this. To remind myself of the life I want and that I've got to work everyday to get it.

Staying positive and determined to beat this!

Matt ❤

Thanks Steven, 

I've really enjoyed reading your journey and chatting to you on the group chats.

Helping me stay strong! If you ever need any support just put me a message in this thread or I'll catch you in the chat!

Matt ❤

Day 56 - It's been a while...

Been a while since I've done a diary post. Things seemed to be looking up in my relationship and I felt for a few weeks a sense of normality. I had spoken to my parents and partner about the situation I was in and although they were upset, understood that none of this was my intention.

I've spent this time trying to focus on myself, my partner and our future. Finding things to do to take my mind of gambling. It had been working and I started to feel myself getting to a better place. I could watch the adverts during the football and not feel the urge to gamble.

Fast forward to Day 55, last night. Me and my partner were lying in bed when we were looking at buying some larder cabinets for our landing. Everything was normal until he suddenly stopped talking to me, turned over and said goodnight. I wasn't sure what was happening but put it down to him having a bad day and went to sleep.

Today he has ignored me for the majority of the day. I try and give him space when he feels like that as the last thing I want to do is argue with him. I left it and left it until half 8 tonight when I finally confronted him and asked what have I done he told me he's really angry with me as we've got to start paying my debts off next month and it's finally hit him what I've done to him. He's looking at other people having work done to their houses and we're not in the position to now because of having to pay off my debts for the next 2 years.

I just sat on the end of the bed, I didn't know what to say as nothing I say or do will change what I've done to him. I said to him "Can I ask you a question?" And he just grunted. I said "If we hadn't bought a house together would you have left me?". He paused for around 2 minutes and then said "I don't know."

My heart has literally just broken. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I'm going to stay strong and not gamble but I feel like I've killed any last bit of love he had for me. I really don't know what to do, staying with him is making him unhappy but leaving him would mean he loses the house which would make him unhappy.

I know I can't change the past but I'm trying everything to make this right, just don't know if it can be fixed. Hopefully he's just angry and that's why he said it but I really feel at this moment he's with me for convenience now and not love. I love him so much so know I need to fight.

Will try and update more often and keep you posted

Matt x