Today is Day 0. The day I finally found the courage to come clean to my partner and my parents about my gambling addiction.
I'm 24 now and have been gambling since I was 16. It's never been as bad as it has been now. The ability to work from home during the pandemic has made my addiction so much worse. I couldn't say at this moment in time why I gamble or my reasons for doing it.
I started gambling at a young age through role playing games online which is where I was first exposed to gambling. Harmless at the time I think its where my addiction stemmed from.
Fast forward to the age of 18 and it continued to grow, going in the bookies a few times, started placing a few bets on the football but it started to go downhill as soon as I went onto the FOBTs. The money quickly started adding up and with me being paid weekly at the time it was quite easy to blow a large chunk of my wages in 1 go. I was still in control at this point which I think was down to the fact I had physical money in my hand.
I then started the odd gamble on the fruit machines in the pubs, never anything huge but I think it continued to allow gambling to be a part of my life.
Fast forward again to 19. I began to gamble online. It was small at first and it would be £10 or £20 every now and again but nothing to be of concern, but again gambling remained part of my life.
It's hard to say exactly the point it started to become a real problem as it just started to gradually get worse. I met the love of my life in 2017 and after a year of being together, he found out about my gambling. At this point I'd lost about 5k of savings. I felt so awful at the time and my partner was understandably angry, confused and upset. We managed to work it out and I tried to start rebuilding the trust we had.
What I believe to be early of last year, I started to gamble again. I dont know what drove me back or again why I even did it in the first place. In the June we bought our first house together and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I thought this is going to be the kick I need to stop for good. I can put my heart and soul into the house and put new life together and forget about it. In fact, it turned out to be the complete opposite.
The COVID-19 pandemic forced me to start working from home. With my partner going to work still being in the manufacturing industry, it meant I was home alone with nobody but me and my thoughts. This is when i found it getting really bad.
Fast forward to a month ago, I finally managed to admit to myself that I have a problem. I'm around 9k in debt now and have felt sick to my stomach for the last month trying to pluck up the courage to tell my family what I had done.
I finally did it today. I found myself yesterday not knowing who I was anymore. I didnt know how to act and the more I tried to cover it the more suspicious my partner became. I made a whatsapp group with my mum, my dad and my partner and told them all. I couldn't hold it in any longer and I know I need help but I wanted to be the one to tell them. It's the least that they deserve after what I've put them through.
The support I've got from them is unbelievable. I cant quite believe the reaction I've got and I know how fortunate I am that they have reacted like that as it could have gone a lot worse. My partner is understandably upset and angry as were trying to build a life together which gambling is trying to bulldoze.
I have never been so determined to stop. All gambling has ever done for me is cause me pain. Nothing good has ever come from it. I've fully accepted I need help and will do everything I can to beat this.
If future me is ever thinking about going back there, just take a step back and look at how good your life is. Do you really want to end up going through this again?
I know with the support of the people on here, and my family I can beat this disease! I will keep updating my progress on this.
Hi Matt
Well done for posting and finding the courage to come clean your partner and parents about your gambling.
You will find the answers about why you have gambled and reasons for doing it in time and within recovery , you are still young and it's really positive that you have acknowledged all of this now.
It's great to hear how determined you are to stop and about the support you have around you.
Please feel free to contact the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Netline to explore the additional support available to you. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week if you would like to talk to one of the GamCare HelpLine advisers.
Take care and keep posting.
Kirk
Forum Admin
Ah matt, nice to see you've started a diary. Was thinking about you after afternoons chat today and hoping things went well for you. So glad they have. Your partners reaction, being upset etc is normal, I'm so glad your partner and parents have shown you support. Makes it so much easier.
You sound determined, keep strong, you've got this ?
Stace
Thanks Stace, I was going to try and get back on again 8 to let you know but it was a difficult day yesterday and wanted to give my family and partner the time they deserved. Will continue to update this though incase I cant make the group chatroom. We got this! ?
We have ??
Hope things are better today ?
You've taken big steps already, well done
Stace
Hi Matt,
Well done for taking the first step and reaching out. That’s always the hardest thing to do.
I can relate to you mate, working from home during lockdown bored and finding myself on the slots constantly. Also the same with my partner and family being very supportive.
I am currently 4 days into my recovery and already feeling better than I was on day 1. We just have to take one step at a time and remember why we are doing this.
Anytime I get an urge to gamble I try and find something to do. Even if it’s the washing up or a quick Hoover round. Something to just take the mind of the urge.
Keep taking a day at a time and come onto this forum if you need any support. We all here for the same goal.
Have a good day brother.
Craz
Hi Craz!
I've literally just read your story and replied to you! I've just said I really see myself in your position 2 years ago and you're absolutely doing the right thing by tackling it now.
I know I need to change now or I'm going to end up losing everything i care about. I want to have a life with my partner, go and do amazing things, have kids and I don't fancy taking gambling along with me for that ride!
Thanks for reaching out, really love this community already and the support everyone has for each other.
Much love and keep at it!
Matt
Day 1
I feel like a weight has been lifted since yesterday. I finally came clean to the people I love and I'm so thankful they're so supportive as I know it would have been touch without that.
I had a few urges this morning to gamble, more out of routine I think more than anything. I used to wake up, get dressed, make a coffee and go online and start gambling. Instead this morning, I decided to spend my time reading through the forum, listening to people's stories and how strong they've managed to be to get through this.
I think at this point, the hardest part of my recovery is going to be for me to open up more. As I've been gambling from such a young age, I've always been protective of my phone and other devices I used to gamble on incase someone noticed.
I just need to learn that it's OK to speak, I have nothing to hide anymore and can finally start being honest. I wouldn't have taken the first step I don't think without this community.
I know it's going to take a long time to get through this and for people to trust me again and I've accepted that as a consequence of my actions.
Speaking about it makes it real, and that's what puts everyone off doing it, I accepted to myself I'm an addict but thought it's shameful and people wouldn't understand, but I know now that this is what this illness thrives on and why we find ourselves in these situations.
So if anyone is reading this that hasn't spoke out already just remember:
- As much as you keep telling yourselves the time isn't right to tell people, you should. That time will never come and you'll continue to suffer alone.
- Look at it that you're inviting people on a journey with you. I had a lot of questions off my partner yesterday as to why I did it. I honestly can't answer that at this point and I hope I will learn that myself along the way to recovery. I believe I'm going to learn a lot about myself along the way and who I really am as a person and I want the people I love to be there for that.
- Be open about your feelings. I think my partner understood more when I opened up about how I was feeling. The days leading up to yesterday I felt sick, my anxiety was through the roof and some days I just felt numb. I can't describe the feeling but I think this helped him understand that it's not a choice I made and it's an addiction.
One day at a time at this point. I'm feeling so motivated now to beat this and come out the other side stronger.
Much love
Matt
Hey Matt
Just read your diary..didn't know I could do that but it gave me inspiration to the same as our families and partners deserve the truth ..not lying and seeking about and hoping they go out so we can gamble must be such a relief.
Be proud of yourself as we all are ...we can do this.. stay strong xx
Day 2
Had a few urges this morning but only lasted a matter of minutes. Have kept myself preoccupied today doing gardening to take my mind off things. Feeling so much better now I've come clean to everyone. The support has been amazing. Been trying to join the group chat rooms as much as I can as well. Some of the stories I hear are really motivating me to push on!
I will not gamble today. I will beat this.
You can do this Jayne and so many people on here can support you as well. I can obviously only give advice on my personal experience but the weight that was lifted has given me the motivation now to focus on beating this.
Were all here if you if you need us ❤
Day 3
It's been a really good day today. Been up since 4am as me and my partner went to do a car boot with some of his family. We havent done one together before so it was quite comical but it's been really good to take my mind off things and just for a morning, things felt like they used to do.
We had really nice weather which meant a good turn out and we did sell more than we expected to which was nice. My partner did make an indirect comment about my addiction in a jokey way and asked me when we were alone if it was ok.
I obviously dont like to hear it but it's not my place and I said if it helps him then I'm fine with it. I get that it's just as if not more hard for him to deal with this because hes also got the problem of trying to understand what this addiction is as well as trying to support me.
He really has been my rock for the last few days since coming clean, and in a strange way I think its bought us closer together. As i was always trying to hide my gambling i didnt really open myself up to how I was really feeling. I need to just keep pushing myself to be as open as i can as personally it's quite hard for me.
Another day down and another day closer to getting my life back on track and building the life I really want with my partner.
No looking back ❤
Day 5
Missed updating yesterday as came on holiday with the family and the WiFi isn't very good with no phone signal. Really good to take my mind off things and still just trying to be open and honest with my partner. We had a routine where whenever we went on holiday, my partner would try to win a Teddy from the arcade to mark it. Given the events that have gone on, he walked past the arcade and didn't mention anything. I know he was thinking should he go in but wasn't sure because of me. We carried on and went to the beach and I said to him, don't feel like you can't go in because of me, I know I have my demons but if you want to then it's up to you.
He explained he was doing it to try and support me but I said it's fine. I'd rather I was with him and I know it's only day 5 but I need to face it at some point. He still has a brother who is quite young so we will be in there again and I need to just face this head on.
I would be lying if I said my urges didn't go crazy in there! All the loud music, the lights. I felt like I was struggling when I walked in. I didn't play on anything in the arcade apart from air hockey with my partner. It was so tough but I felt so much better walking out and knowing I didn't gamble a penny!
Really just proved to myself how much I want this! I'll continue to update when I can ❤
Matt
Day 7 - 1 week down!
One whole week down with no gambling! I can honestly start to say I havent felt this good in years and I still have the determination to get through this. We've just come back from the short break away which I think came at a perfect time and really showed me all the things you can do in the world when you're not gambling.
We luckily had the money we made from the car boot which gave us some spending money to enjoy ourselves. My partner was looking after all of the money which felt like a relief to me some days as I didnt need to worry about it.
I think the big thing with me is I've never really understood the value of money which I think was made worse by gambling, some days I would think £100 isnt really a lot of money but it really is. I've got a long way to go and I'm glad my partner is supporting me with that side, but I'm going to make sure I keep being honest and just tell him if I dont trust myself. I'm hoping that will help to heal things overtime. I know he'll never forget this and that's something I'm glad about really as I dont want to forget. I've made these mistakes and I want to be reminded of them so I dont make them again!
Onwards and upwards! Here's to another week!
Matt
Hi Matt,
It was really good to talk to you a couple of times this week in the chatroom, I love meeting new people and seeing the encouragement of their journey.
Well done and big, big congratulations on now what is Day 8 of your recovery. I am so pleased that you reached this milestone. And I'm really happy you didn't spend a penny in the arcade, I've known a few members struggle with this one, so to do this so early is brilliant.
I look forward to seeing your journey continue. If you need any support, please just post on my diary.
Best Wishes
Steven x
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