A Sense of Direction

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DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

My Day. 

I'm gonna leave a large portion of my day out of my diary cos it's not for public consumption. 

I wanna say summat to remember if I maybe read this back. (Not likely I'll forget but I do have a bad memory) I'll just say Stig of the Dump and Drama's. 

I had CBT by video today. It was me and two blokes and two therapy people. I found it a bit hard but I think that's cos I set myself up for a bad day cos I didn't get much sleep and stuff last night. I feel zonked. Like emotionally, mentally and physically. 

The best part of the day was me and Auntie A going through bags of her Mum's knickers and bra's and vests. Her Mum was a compulsive shopper (God Rest Her). She died two years ago. Auntie Ann feels ready to start going through stuff and sorting it out for charity shops and stuff. She gave me some lovely things. They are all brand new and not worn. I am way grateful. 

I love my Auntie A. 

D x

 

 
Posted : 31st March 2020 9:49 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

My Day. 

My sleep was disturbed. I woke up maybe 1am hungry so I made a ham and cheese sandwich and went back to bed and ate it. I'll prolly get in bother for crumbs in the bed but I'm passed caring. 

I woke up again at some point cos I felt like my Mum was calling out my name from down the hallway. That was weird and I felt strange. Like is she in trouble? Should I call? I did not call. I determined that I must've just had a vivid dream. 

I logged onto work for 10am. Noone expected ought of me today which is good. All the people that matter know what I've been up to the last couple of days so they were happy for me to be floating about like a spare part. 

I joined chat at 1pm. It was nice to hear that one of my Gamcare friends has an anniversary coming up. Well deserved, well earnt. He's a good lad. I look forward to telling him how proud I am of him. 

I ate Spaghetti and Meatballs for dinner and it stuck my insides together. I sent Murlo a picture cos she is mad keen on me eating so I wanted to show her I do actually eat. 

I did my 3 cleaning jobs tonight. I did them well. 

I am feeling calmer in myself. I feel like I've done all my apologies that I needed to. I do feel it's important when you mess up to say sorry to them folks that you upset. 

I still feel guilty but I'll park that for now cos it doesn't serve any purpose. 

I put money in my Monzo account. I clicked on the Gambling Transaction Blocker. I paid a bill. 

I feel very empowered by that. 

This is my next step. I think taking charge of my money and being responsible with it will build me up. 

All the extra work I do, I will put into one of them savings pots. It will be good to watch it grow. 

This step is long overdue for my personal circumstances. The money paying bills and being saved will stop my desire to win back money that is spent on stuff I am not happy with.

That is all. 

Drama. 

 

 

 
Posted : 1st April 2020 10:20 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

I think I am done with doing a diary. I may have outgrown it. It happens. 

 
Posted : 1st April 2020 10:55 pm
(@mark-powell)
Posts: 156
 

Hey drama,

I am of a similar thought recently too, maybe it is because I’m doing my lockdown diary on Facebook?

 

Either way it has been an enjoyable journey alongside you.

 

take care

 

mark

x

 
Posted : 2nd April 2020 12:36 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

I'm not doing a journal anywhere else. Just thinking out loud mate. It feels boring journaling about nowt but work. 

Drama xxx

 
Posted : 2nd April 2020 1:41 pm
(@boo-radley)
Posts: 1492
 

Oh thats a sad day to resd from you both but in the grand scheme good that you have reached a point in your recovery whets you have found independence.

Hope to meet in chat 

Boo ???

 
Posted : 3rd April 2020 8:29 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

It might just be a side-effect of Rona. It feels very boring to journal about staying in and working. I dunno Boo. I'm alright mate, just it's no fun to read about just work. 

I miss Church and the Pub and Football and Charity Shopping. When they come back again, maybe I'll have more fun stuff to talk about. I don't like retreating. It feels bad. But also just talking about boring stuff feels bad. 

Drama x

 
Posted : 3rd April 2020 9:03 pm
(@boo-radley)
Posts: 1492
 

Drama.. Boring you will never be but I know what you mean. Its like life is on hold but that doesn't mean the conversation has to dry up. You give so much. 

It's the normal things we are doing and feeling that are getting us through this 

Love boo 

???

 
Posted : 3rd April 2020 9:24 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 
Posted by: Boo radley

Drama.. Boring you will never be but I know what you mean. Its like life is on hold but that doesn't mean the conversation has to dry up. You give so much. 

It's the normal things we are doing and feeling that are getting us through this 

Love boo 

???

I hear you my lovely Boo. I will give it some thought. I promise. xxx

 
Posted : 3rd April 2020 9:50 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

?

 
Posted : 5th April 2020 12:19 pm
Aum
 Aum
(@aum)
Posts: 3947
 

Congratulations Drama on 100 days gamble free.

Enormous respect for your hard work, courage and determination.

Wishing you every happiness as you continue on your life journey.

 

Stephen x 

 
Posted : 5th April 2020 12:39 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

Thank-you so much Stephen. You are very kind. 

Love from 

Drama 

xoxoxox

 
Posted : 5th April 2020 2:43 pm
(@mark-powell)
Posts: 156
 

happy ton day drama!

i remember all those weeks ago when @murlo hit her ton and it seemed ages away for you and I, but here we are, you having achieved it, and me right on the cusp.

 

stay safe 

 

kram

x

 
Posted : 6th April 2020 9:46 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 5944
Admin
 

Congratulations on 100 days DL!

Best wishes,

Deirdre
Forum Admin

 
Posted : 6th April 2020 11:10 am
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

Thank-you so much for the kind comments on my journal. I've had a challenging 7 days but I'm doing okay now. 

I still don't really feel like writing tonight. I have alot going on in my brain and I feel like sometimes it's not worth sharing if it doesn't help other people. 

Maybe that's a sign of growth cos I used to just journal whatever came into my head? 

I am getting paid into my very own bank account this Wednesday and it feels empowering. To be back in control of my future. To be past my 60 days problem that plagued me for a lot of last year. I rarely if ever want to gamble to escape my problems these days. I just tell people what I am thinking and feeling. 

I am sure that in another 100 days I'll be prolly back to dealing with these thoughts and feelings by myself without having to use someone else as a sounding board. 

I am ever so grateful for all the care and support I have received. I dunno I'll ever be able to repay it. 

Money seems a cheap way to do it. Like I donate to Gamcare from my CAF account but it feels a cheap way to say thank you. I would love to find something meaningful to express how much I appreciate what people have done for me. 

I dunno. Just waffling now. 

Moff to bed. 

DramaLlama xxx

 
Posted : 6th April 2020 10:04 pm
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