A Sense of Direction

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DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

Wedding Anniversary. 

I bought a dress for the funeral. 

I looked after my dog. 

I took my Lillies that work sent me to Church cos they have started to open up and I'm seriously allergic. 

I took part in chat but I'm not sure I helped anyone. 

I posted on the Pub FB page about funeral details but not one person has replied to say they want to come. I am desperately sad that Hubby never had any real friends. Not one good buddy that would want to come and pay their respects. In recent years, just people that honed in on his needs and met them even though they weren't healthy needs. 

Um. That will do. This is all super mawdling. 

D. 

 
Posted : 25th September 2020 8:01 pm
Aum
 Aum
(@aum)
Posts: 3947
 

Your strength of character has always impressed me Drama and I do believe that courage and resilience will be your rock during these very difficult times.

Be assured that you are in the thoughts of your gamcare friends. We cannot be there in person but you are forever in our hearts and we are all willing you on.

God will bless you dear lady. Treat yourself kindly with compassion and be aware that your understanding angels are always by your side.

 

Love and best wishes

Stephen x x x 

?   ?   ?

This post was modified 4 years ago 3 times by Aum
 
Posted : 26th September 2020 7:06 am
(@boo-radley)
Posts: 1492
 

Hello lovely  drama. Please don't let people's attitudes get the better of your emotions which at the time are being tested and I imagine fragile at times. These are tender times where true friends emerge  and lesser ones just expose there fickle side.

I am a true believer thst life sorts itself out and the universe will provide. 

As for your Value to chat and our gamcare family.. Well you know you are on a pedestal .. ?❤️

 
Posted : 26th September 2020 11:59 am
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

Day 274. 

One of my Twitter friends is sending me a care package. They kind of insisted. It's nice. However, it was meant to be delivered today and it hasn't been. That means I've been tied to the house all day. Haven't been out for a walk with the dog or a mooch round the shops. It's not been so good for mental health to be cooped up here. I will make sure I get out and about tommoz. 

It's not been good for the dog either. She is losing weight. She enjoyed a brush and a cuddle but she needs more and I haven't been giving her what she needs. Dogs are pack animals. They need contact. Not just food. 

I will do better. 

D. 

 

 
Posted : 26th September 2020 7:47 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

A better day. 

I went to Church for 12 midday mass. It was alright. 

I went for dinner at a local pub. It was nice. I enjoyed it. I sat outside with the dog so I wasn't alone. It was cold but worth her company. A wasp landed on my plate and seemed to really enjoy swimming in my gravy. It was fascinating. I thought wasps just like sweet stuff but this one must be a Yorkshire wasp. 

My Auntie insisted on taking me for a walk this afternoon. She follows me on one of my social media accounts and I had a bit of a meltdown last night so she weren't taking no for an answer. I enjoyed the walk though. Good to be out and about. 

I met my friends L&A in the pub and shared some wisdom that I have gleened since I've been grieving. You can prevent people doing things so many times but there will always come a day when you are busy. That's a fact. You can't help it. Work, Family, Dogs, there's always summat. You cannot watch someone 24/7. It helps to remember that. 

I went to the petrol station after the pub and a lady didn't have her bag and had no fuel and needed to get back to North Yorkshire so I paid her petrol. This was a good experience. It made me remember that God has a plan for me and I am always exactly where he needs me to be. I wanted to go to the petrol station before I met L&A but something told me not to and I followed that instinct. I feel like today is the day I got my faith back. 

Drama xoxoxox

 
Posted : 27th September 2020 8:16 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

Day 286. 

Hubby arrived at Church tonight. We brought him in and my GC mate Murlo helped me tuck him in with this special cover that we put on coffins in Church. It's nice like a big blanket. We said mass and I cried a fair bit. Murlo hugged and loved on me when I was a mess. I'm so grateful to God that we connected. It kinda feels like it was okay to spend all the money I did gambling to have her as a friend now. She's super lovely. 

It's the funeral tommoz at 11am. 

I am grateful to be in recovery during this time. To be able to find the funds to give Hubby a good send off. To be present in the moment and experience this as it is. 

That might sound odd but i am glad. 

D. 

 

 
Posted : 8th October 2020 10:24 pm
(@rouletteregret)
Posts: 571
 

Hey Drama,

Thinking of you this morning.

Take care.

RR

 
Posted : 9th October 2020 7:03 am
(@boo-radley)
Posts: 1492
 

Drama.. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ And murlo.. In my heart.

Boo ❤️❤️?

 
Posted : 9th October 2020 7:28 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 5944
Admin
 

Hi Drama,

I just wanted you to know that we are all thinking of you today and if at any point you would like to talk we are here for you.

I do understand what you meant about being present in the moment and it didn't sound odd at all, thank you for sharing your thoughts at such a difficult time.

Take care

ChrisK

Forum Admin

 

 

 
Posted : 9th October 2020 9:29 am
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

This Morning. 

The funeral went well yesterday. It was a good mix of religion and remembering my Hubby for who he was. I'm pleased that his mate got up to speak and say some words. It was important for me that someone did. None of his new crop of mates did, just this guy that knew him in the 80's and 90's. Then I got up and told some tales. It's not like me cos I normally get anxious speaking in front of people but Murlo came up with me to the lecturn and held my hand whilst I spoke. 

We went out for tea last night. I had a meat and tattie pie and she had a ginormous steak. It was my treat to say thank-you for coming and looking after me. 

She came by this morning for a brew and a cuddle and then went home. 

I was feeling super sad but then my Godmum messaged and invited me for tea tommoz so I've perked up again. She said that I'm special and she wants to look after me so that's nice. 

I'm gonna go to the Gym in a bit and try and get back on the health kick I had started before Hubby died. I haven't been very healthy since but I picked today as the day to try and start again. 

I find if I go to the Gym, I make better choices after. Like I smoke less cos I remember that feeling on the elyptical when you get wheezy. I also drink less cos when you do 10 mins exercise and the machine only says like you've burned the calories of a digestive biscuit, you realise how hard you have to work to burn them calories off. 

Anyways, just wanted to update and say I'm okay. 

Thanks GC fam. 

Drama xoxoxoxox

 

 
Posted : 10th October 2020 10:06 am
Aum
 Aum
(@aum)
Posts: 3947
 

God bless you Drama and Murlo too.

Two gamcare legends who are in the hearts and minds of gamcare friends.

As always Drama, you have shown great courage, warmth and compassion.

You have suffered trauma throughout your life good lady but every time you were knocked down you got back up again. Like the phoenix rising from the ashes you are now reborn and will enter this new phase in your life with a renewed sense of purpose.

Your husband, god bless him, featured in many of your posts and in a way we got to know him. I would sometimes frown at his mischievous antics, chuckle at his funny ways and be touched by the great love he felt for you. I send him my best wishes even though I knew him not as a person. I hope he finds peace, love and understanding in the life hereafter.

 

Best wishes 

From

Stephen x 

 

This post was modified 3 years ago by Aum
 
Posted : 10th October 2020 11:02 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

If you wanna signpost me to another service just tell me. I'm not a child. I can handle it. 

 
Posted : 13th October 2020 11:59 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

Been a bit of a mess this last week. Like full on alcoholic. Feeling different tonight. 

I spoke to the crisis team last night. 

I talked to my Godmum at Church about it today and she decided I was going to there's for dinner. Didn't really give me much choice. After dinner me and her and her daughter went for a walk. She filmed it on her go-pro and that was fun to watch back. 

I realise that I am loved. I don't need to carry on being a pickle. It's stupid. 

I've made better choices tonight. I'm not allowed to just stop drinking cos it's dangerous apparantly but I have bought some non-alcoholic beers and I'm mixing them in so I won't get messy. 

My dog seems happier for having some company and attention today. She's such a sweetheart. I must do better for her too. 

Um, that will do diary. 

Drama x

 
Posted : 18th October 2020 8:38 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

Day 1.......again. 

Gambled into the wee hours. Demolished a fridge pack and maybe 1/3rd of a bottle of rum. Didn't feel very well in the head. Called the emergency services. Spent the night up at A&E. Some nurse barked at me to wake me up so I did one and split. 

Got called by some MH nurse this morning saying she was gonna send the cops. I told her I wouldn't be home when they got there. I'd do one somewhere else. She then spoke nice to me for a bit and I gave her some numbers of people in my support system and she felt better. 

I don't feel the same as I did but I do still feel super low. I wish I could be like the me I was when I worked loads of cleaning jobs and did a day job and managed to do school work aswell. 

I can't even be bothered to wash and change my clothes. I've had the same ones on 3 days. 

I've got a therapist lined up and I start with her on Tuesday. My Godmum came today and I think she was shocked by the state of me and the house. 

She's coming next Thursday to help me with the kitchen. She said that with her help, we'll get the house in order and she believes that will begin to make me feel better. I do hope that happens. 

I'm not reyt fussed about having a lapse cos nothing seems important anymore not counting days or ought. 

Sorry if this is super depressing but I am actually depressed so it's all I've got. 

D. 

 
Posted : 23rd October 2020 5:12 pm
Scottydog71
(@scottydogg)
Posts: 372
 

Oh drama so sorry to hear you are so low please reach out for all the help you can get beat this horrible gambling you got so much to give and you are inspiration to many on here I hope feel better soon  
  Scotty?? 

 
Posted : 23rd October 2020 5:52 pm
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