A Sense of Direction

Evening sweetheart x

You know that I am really pleased that you are having some time off work, less pleased that it is forced because of self isolation but either way it will do you the world of good. Auntie A and I may have virtually double teamed you but that is coincidence not conspiracy. We will have both seen how tough it's been on body and mind to manage the workload that you have had to lately. 

I am VERY happy that you have your weekly sessions booked with Auntie A. A bit of regular wise counsel goes a long way x.

It's time to relax and switch off from the world of work for a bit and have some you time. That would make me very happy ?.

I am so proud of you. I use that word a lot but tbh, I searched the thesaurus for an alternative and didn't like any of them so I am sticking with it ?. 

I love you mate. Thank you so much for being here for me in my difficult moments, you are a beautiful person and an amazing friend ?

Feeling a bit stressed as I start back cleaning tonight. Already had my boss on hogging my free time. I know he's trying to set me up to do more work next week but I'm steeling myself for the battle I will face when I say no. 

M called from a job down the road to gimme a heads up that he's getting another sick note. I ain't covering. 

I feel like smoking. Don't normally smoke early in the day, it's like a tea time habit for me. I have my tea, then I wanna smoke but I rarely smoke prior to that. It's deffo a sign of anxiety. I don't wanna do any deep breathing either. I wanna scream or summat. 

I paid a load of bills yesterday. Really hated watching my bank balance go down just from paying stuff. I tried to gamble last night. Hit a few stumbling blocks and then chatted GC and then went off to bed. 

I think I might change my number and just not give the new one to my cleaning boss. He can email. He has no business ringing me all the time anyways and it's really winding me up the amount of my time I spend talking about really very unimportant things. 

D. 

ILYSM. That's all xx

Murlo, ILYSM2 XXX

Update. 

Listened to a Sleep Hypnosis podcast on Spoty last night. This bloke had a real soft London accent and a thing where he says his t-h's as fa instea of tha and it was thoroughly adorable. 

Anyways, so having established that I loved his voice, I settled down to listen with my fairly new aromatherapy mood lamp thing on and this guy sucked all the anxiety outta my brain with an invisible helmet and all the stress went out of my body into the mattress. That's the last thing I remember him saying. Anyways, so that was cool and I do feel miles better today for a sleep. Proper sleep too, REM stuff with dreams and everything. 

Drama

xoxoxox

I gave my Uncle access to my bank account. It's made a real big difference real quick. I am not spending recklessly. He is like all forensic accountant on my spending. He wants to know who is this, why are we paying them, what is the plan. It's weird for me but it's also lovely. I feel like I'm being parented for the first time in my life ever and as much as it's uncomfortable, it's really nice too. 

Nobody ever cared to ask ought before but he's even asking me to get back the double payment I made to the Union in June. He says every penny counts. 

I hated giving him access. Honest I did. I was kicking myself Sunday before last but I should've done it 4 months ago. Knowing that he is seeing what I am spending my money on is making me make better choices. 

That is all. 

Drama xxx

Gamcare is my only constant. Like literally. Other folks mess with my head but Gamcare people are super lovely and just let me talk and don't get cross or angry mad with me ever. I wouldn't be here now if I didn't have this support. I'm proper crying. I never had this before. 

Hope your ok drama , ?

Morning DramaLlama

We think the world of you

A lady of good character

Who knows a thing or two

Not one to surrender

Always wearing a smile

Standing proud and ready

To walk that extra mile

You are a gamcare legend

And wherever you may roam 

There will always be a place for you

In the heart of Aum

Massive congratulations on 262 Days GF

Aum   Aum   Aum

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Thank you for stopping by and showing some love. It's much appreciated. 

I think I might start diarying again after work. Just to collect my thoughts. It was always a good way to keep track of triggers and stuff and realise that on the whole, it's not all bad. 

I'm not doing today though cos I'm tired after last nights performance. 

Drama x

You are the most amazing person I have ever had the pleasure to know. ILYSM ?

ILY2 Murlo you big softy! 

Day 264. 

I woke up early this morning. 7am. I took the dog out and gave her brekkie. She wouldn't touch it. She's being a fuss pot cos the food I got is dry and not the soft ones. She prefers the soft ones. I ended up putting some kippers in it later on in the day and she wolfed down a huge bowl. Happy days. 

I logged onto work early and sent out some employee award nominations to people on my team. They are people who have helped me enormously with my development and they deserve to get an award. They were super happy they got nominated and I got some thank-you's so that was nice. 

I went to the Gym at dinner time. I did 10 minutes on the cross trainer. 3 x 12 reps of squats holding 2 x 4kg weights. 3 x 20 second weighted punches with 2kg weights in each hand. Punching felt really good. Then I did 1000 metre row. Then I took the dog for a walk. 

I had an assessment from some alcohol support place today. It took 2.5 hours. They ask literally everything about your whole life. I spose it's good they are thorough. I got asked to reduce my alcohol consumption by 10% every 72 hours. That sounds achieveable. They asked what I want and I said to stop drinking for at least a few months to give my body a break then I'll reassess how I feel about alcohol. The man on the phone said that sounds like a good plan. So that's the plan now. 

My bosses boss wanted to talk to me on the phone about whether I've been accepted for voluntary redundancy or not. Couldn't talk to him cos I was on the phone with that other chap. So I'll find out tommoz at 09:30. 

I did 3 cleaning jobs tonight. Got to work with a lovely lass at the first one. She's good company and we have a laugh. She was in trouble for short cleaning one of her jobs so I told her to say she'd started the one with me half hour earlier. Got her out of a spot of bother so she's way grateful. Also gave her some advice about ducking and diving cos it's a thing I know a thing or two about. lol. 

I ate loads of food today. Sausage and Fried Onion Sarnie for Brekkie. Jamaican Curry for dinner. Pasta w/medditeranian veg for tea. 

My dog loves me. Murlo loves me. 

All is well. 

Drama

xoxoxox

N nite and God bless sweetheart. I do love you, that is a fact ?

I found out that I'd been accepted for voluntary redundany today. I'm okay with that, with my payout I have maybe a year to find another job. I'll be alright. 

I applied for two jobs this morning. I hope i get an interview for the one in my home town. It would be great. 

A police lady came to my house today at 2pm  and I found out that my Hubby has passed away. I'm not doing very well since then. I'm really upset. 

I dunno that i can say anymore. 

I am here for you mate. Always. ILYSM x

So sorry to read that your husband has passed away Drama. Please accept my sincere condolences.

He came across as a mischievous chappy who you loved dearly, although your relationship was occasionally a little volatile you shared in some good times together.

I remember your weekend in Whitby which wasn't exactly your cup of tea but it was different to say the least. The fun times you shared in the pub after he had accompanied you on your cleaning jobs and your mysterious rendezvous with strangers to make his collections.

A walk down memory lane can be good and I often say a few words to my loved ones who are now on the other side.

Your mention of redundancy brought back many memories of the time I left my job with the council aged 60. I had taken early retirement due to ill health as I had been plagued with tendinitis in my feet. I was happy as Larry with my lump sum pension pay out which together with a redundancy payment and my savings meant I was financially secure.

My poorly feet improved greatly after stopping work but sadly I gave everything I had to the gambling companies and really struggled afterwards.

Please take good care of yourself Drama. You are a wonderful lady who is well respected and loved by your many friends on the diaries.

Love and best wishes from Stephen x x x 

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Aum   Aum   Aum