I made it! I made a mess. I fixed it and I got paid again and did not gamble.
I am very happy right now. I just phoned the Helpline to say thank-you and I got to speak to the lady that I was proper blubbing and roaring at last night cos I was absolutely certain that I would gamble and that recovery was a waste of time.
It feels real cool that she was the lady that got to hear that gambling isn't inevitable. I can do this recovery thing and I am well on my road to recovery.
I also want to give a special shout-out to Murlo. She has been real supportive of me and talked to me loads recently and she has a lot on her plate. She is a special lady and I flat out love her.
To Russ, thank you for offering to do Steps with me. I am gonna take you up on that.
To Al, you believe in me when I don't believe in myself.
To Kram and Freda cos you are closest in GF time to me so if it wasn't for you both, I wouldn't be still holding on. I deffo would've* give up trying.
And to Stace cos she got me through Christmas with her strength and determination.
Oh my nearly forgot my Debbie. Love you Debbie xxx
If I didn't mention you, it's not cos I don't love you. I properly love every single person at Gamcare. The service users and chat mods and helpline people. You are the best! ALL OF YOU!
This has been an oscar worthy performance brought to you by DramaLlama!
I DID IT!
G'nite All. Godbless.
Drama, mate , what can I say. I've decided to leave gamcare, I have to, but I wanted to leave messages for the people who have helped me. You are one and I hope you get to see this before my account is closed. You have made me smile at some of my darkest times. You are an incredible person, and what ever life throws at you, you keep fighting as always. Your strong. Your kind and you are 100% genuine. You have helped me so much and il always be greatful. Take care drama, and keep being gamble free because you girl are doing FANTASTIC
You absolute legend! Well done on making it to this point!
i will always remember first meeting you when I said that I’d seen your name on a soap bottle,😁
Your brutal honesty inspires me every time we talk or I read your diary, don’t ever be afraid to praise yourself for your achievements, it’s an important part of recovery.
I look forward to continuing this journey with you always being 24 hours ahead of me!😜
Naff or not, it makes me very happy that you have a diary again. This is your achievement. You have put the work into your recovery, no one can do that for you. You know you have a special place in my heart and right now I could not be happier, honestly. You are awesome and have inspired me every single day since our paths first crossed. That’ll do for now 😘
Your post brings a smile to my face, 61 days 2 paydays & no gambling what an achievement, well done. Go out & treat yourself, maybe something to wear, new trainers or hairdo whatever you deserve it. Just remember for a CG to go 1 day without gambling is a massive achievement, so that should put in perspective how much you've achieved.
Be Proud Of Yourself
I WFH today which means I stayed in bed till nearly lunchtime and just moved the mouse about to keep the laptop awake.
I got up at 11:45 and had a very quick bath. I washed my hair with the apple smelling shampoo and conditioner. I smelled so good! I decided to wear my green superdry shirt to celebrate how apple fresh I was along with a crisp white t-shirt and my blue cargo jeans and my lovely white Nike Air Max 95's. They won't white forever but I'm enjoying them whilst they are.
I was at mass for 12:15. I served at the altar and I smudged Fr. L cos I asked him who was gonna do him and he said I could do it. My smudge was almost invisible. I prefer a great big black cross but never mind. Maybe next year? I received full communion and felt totally worthy. That was nice. Fr. L says I'm the best altar server and he wants me to train everyone else cos the way I do the hand washing is so much easier for him. I put the hanky over my arm like a waiter does when they are serving wine and I pour the water from right high up so he's got room to get his hands in the bowl. He likes that.
After Church I took the dog for a walk round the grounds just to stretch her legs. Then it was back to work till 5.
I watched The Chase until 5.30 and then I had to go see a man about a dog. I had text him this aft to sort it all so was surprised when he said sorry can you come back at 9.30. Like yeah cheers pal, no skin off my nose at all. I love running round here there and everywhere! Ugh!
I then went to a cleaning place in somewhere called W to do an inspection cos the manager has complained about the standard of clean. I thought it was good to great condition. Some minor flaws but nought bad so that's what I reported back to my boss by telephone. (I am getting paid for this as a job)
Then I was driving to my job no. 1 but I got massive hunger pangs and did not feel well with it so I rang Hubby and said I'm getting some chicken, you want in? Honest to goodness took me about 20 questions to get him to understand that I was hungry and all I needed to know was did he want some. I tried plain english, I tried shouty english, I was getting testy and eventually said forget it, I'll just get a burger for myself and he's like what am I gonna have? I said that's what I'm asking you? Would you like to share a bucket of chicken or shall I just feed myself? He's like no, yeah, I want some Chicken. I went to the KFC and got a Bargain Bucket, small gravy, hot sauce and BBQ sauce. Went home and had tea with Hubby and we shared some with the dog.
Then I went to my job no. 1. I did that.
Then I went to see a man about a dog.
Then I went home to give Hubby a thing.
Then I went to job. no. 2. I did that.
Then I had an argument with a drunk man who thought he was well-hard having a shouting match with my dog when she was locked in the car. He was threatening to do all sorts to her. I walked up to the car from the back street where my job is and said okay big man, how about I get her out of the car now and you can say all that again. He apologised which really sucked cos I was right looking forward to having a set to.
Then I took the dog to the park.
Now I am home and I'm going to bed cos I'm zonked.
New title on my new journal is down to Fr. L who did this homily yesterday all about animal instincts and their sense of direction even without a physical compass. Like birds migrating back home at certain times of year for breeding and herds in Africa that follow the plains and stuff and then he likened this with our instincts to turn to God at this time of year. We have the sense to turn our face to God and turn our backs on sin. Obvs. it held a resonance with me at this time so that's why I picked it for my diary.
Stayed in bed till the last possible minute then put yesterdays clothes on, brushed my teeth, had a shower in a can and set off for work.
I had a productive day. Got through 6 file reviews. Someone got a pickle up their backside because I forgot to add one number to a cell on a spreadsheet. I did the face that said this really isn't a big deal and said deliberately slowly that I'll add it now for you. I mean if you can't figure out how to add a number to a spreadsheet rather than sending emails, cc'ing other people and making a verbal fuss then you have FAR too much time on your hands. I hate you!
I've been mostly tired today cos I didn't sleep well last night. Had a dose of the weepies at lunchtime but I didn't let them out. Just fought them off with a walk round the block.
Feel like the devils been sitting on my shoulder whispering bad stuff. It's getting on my wick. All the temptation and that.
Haven't smoked or drank for a couple days now. Hoping the antsy feeling clears off soon.
I've done both my evening jobs and went to the Supermarket for some shopping. Then I watched a bit of Football with Hubby. His team did not do well. Such a shame. Now he knows how I feel 99% of the time the glory supporting plastic. I have not fed him tonight. Not cos he's done ought massively wrong, just cos he asked me late on to get some shopping and I did all that running around for him last night. I am not a duracell bunny. I won't last forever so I said make yourself summat.
I am going up to bed now cos I can't keep my peepers open.
Please let me get some sleep cos I can't do another long day with only a couple hours sleep. I will bite someone's head off and I'm trying to be good. (Except for swearing, as I can't seem to knock that on the head).
Went to the office today. Sometimes I WFH on Fridays cos I'm done in by this stage of the week but I wanted the company of my colleagues.
I did no reviews today. I dealt with a shed load of emails though, so that's good. Inbox and tasks list is nice and clear for starting the new week and my next set of goals that I'll get on Monday.
I had a dial-in at 2pm with my new mentor. His initials are J.C like the big man himself so I'm going to refer to him as Mr. J.C.
I spoke to my ex-boss K prior to this dial in and he said by heck lass, be yourself but not TOO much yourself. I smiled and said I don't know what you mean (but I did). I decided to do some prep to stop me waffling. I googled "good things to ask a mentor" and it gimme lot's of good suggestions.
I rang Mr. J.C dead on 2pm and he picked up straight away. We chatted for 20 minutes. I told him about my experience and my journey in terms of previous mentors and career goals and how they've developed. He appreciated how changes to the business have put barriers in the way of my development BUT I've not quit, I've just branched out and done other things to gain relevant experience. He's like the Head of Legal for UK and International so he's got all sorts of things that I can get involved in. THIS IS THE BEST NEWS EVER! He's based in that there London and is already talking about getting me down there to do stuff.
I essentially said to him that if he has a chore to do and finds it boring, think of me cos the chances are it will be something that will test my skills and develop them. He said he's going to speak with his team, he is sure that there are lot's of projects that I can get involved in. This is brilliant!
He went on to talk about his career (which is way different to my path) but he said he can take a mentoring role in terms of having monthly catch ups and just listening to me and maybe giving a high level view of things that I am doing. I dunno what that will look like but of course I said yes please!
Fact is, if I get bored, I do nought. If I have summat juicy to do, I will fly through the day job to get to the juicy stuff.
I am right happy.
3 days, no booze, no cigs. Mega cravings for a cig after work today but I killed the urges with half a packet of boiled sweets. Not exactly fasting food but they aren't gonna kill me as quick as cigs would.
Don't feel like I'm missing out on ought drink-wise cos the Friday pub is just too noisy. Prolly will tommoz after Football cos I do love to get wellied with the lads but I'll get over it by Sunday when I go Church again.
I don't feel like gambling at all. Not one bit.
Life is good.
I woke up early. I listened to the birds for a spell and obvs posted on here. I could've got up but for one reason and another I have really missed time in my bed for the last few years so I chose to get back in and go back to sleep for a bit.
I got up again about 10am which is still early for me. Um'd and ar'd about going to Church but my Aunt messaged me and asked if I could transfer my season card to my cousin for the day so he could use my seat. I was happy to do it but for one reason or another it took a couple of phone calls and stuff so by that time I was too late to go to Church.
I watched a movie this morning called Ready Player One. It's about people living in a world where VR gaming is more important to them than reality. There's a few easter eggs that have to be solved before the champion can take charge of the VR world. One of the first things he does is turn it off on Tuesdays and Thursdays so people have to experience real life. I like that. It resonated with me (obvs). Also made me think about the kinda games I really have got enjoyment out of.
They aren't online slots. Nowt of the sort. When I built my first PC I like CIV and Railroad Tycoon cos you have to think and plan and stuff. I figured out how to get them both working today and I've had a right laugh playing both. I am currently operating a railway between Bletchley and Reading at an Operating Profit, so that's good.
I went on chat at lunch. Then I got dressed. I put on my TNF joggers. They are black with a small white logo. They are super warm and comfy if not a wee bit short in the leg. I paired them with some black boxing style boots cos they tie above where the joggers end. My jumper is a white crew neck Friends sweater with the Friends Logo on the chest and all little pictures like coffee cups and the sofa from central perk and stuff on it. It's very cute.
I went to the supermarket for supplies and called in at the Samaritans with a bag of donations. Mostly size 8 stuff that I'll prolly never fit again. Just have to accept it. They are all lovely quality stuff though. I picked up a cardigan for Hubby that is machine knitted from Next in a sort of blue/grey colour. It could pass for either. He loves it and says he'll keep it for best.
I watched my football team have a brilliant success today. I watched on telly. I was sposed to go to Sheffield for Uni today but the ticket was about £45 return. I should've pre-booked but I forgot so I blobbed. Anyway, I'd already told my Aunt I wasn't going to the game so when she said my cousin wondered if he could have my seat, I knew he'd be well keen. I was happy to sacrifice my seat so the kid could have a fun afternoon.
Um, what else?...
I had steak pie and chips for tea.
I got major cigarette cravings after tea so went to the shops for sweets and chocolate. Hubby told me to put my big coat on cos the weather is shocking. I said yes dear and then put on my white TNF anorak cos it matches my outfit and my white Reebok Hi-Tops cos yeah, same. Ha! People climb everest in TNF gear, I reckon I can face a trip to the shops in it.
I ate 100g of fizzy worms and nearly half a big bar of white chocolate when I got back and now I am seriously hyper with a sugar rush.
I asked Hubby to make me a pint pot of tea with no sugar in it so I can come down a little bit.
I am watching a movie about a Female Dragon and then I might go up to bed early.
We shall see.