Hi everyone,
I know it’s been a while since I’ve been here, I guess this is the reason why I’m struggling at the moment. I’m one week away from 200 days GF. I should feel awesome, right! Except I don’t. I don’t feel anything. I’m so emotionless and emotional all at the same time.
I can’t quite explain it so I wondered if anyone else here feels the same. I’m proud, and I’m still as sure as anything that a relapse won’t happen - I’ve just buried my head in the sand for so much time I can’t work out how to feel anymore. My relationship with money is different and my life will never be the same again. Will I ever be truly happy again? I don’t celebrate successes anymore, another day is just another day. It should be another GF day to me, the most valuable kinds of days.
I do this all the time when things get tough, become that ice queen that doesn’t give a shade of ****. Block out the thoughts and feelings and pretend like it never happened.
I never want to forget what I’ve been through and survived though otherwise I’m one step closer to a relapse. I feel fragile and vulnerable, the most I’ve ever felt and I’m pretty sure I’m a silent sufferer from anxiety. How do you deal with recovery and what do you do that makes you feel positive towards your progress? What do you celebrate and how?
Sorry for the blurb, sounds like I could do with a cry and tub of ice cream haha! Thanks for reading and hopefully reaching out.
Sjr
Hi Sjr,
I remember feeling like that, and I still do from time to time. Well done for 200 days without gambling, keep on moving forward, one day at a time. Are there thoughts and feelings that are better off being shared. Whenever I don't feel "right", there is normally something going on that I've not shared. Blocking out thoughts and feelings, doesn't make them go away, they tend to seep out in other ways. Have you tried free flowing writing in a journal, it can really help to get stuff out of your head. Pen, paper, and just write, exactly what is in your head, unedited. It can really help. I'm 1000 days gamble free as of today and I've recently had bout of depression and the writing helped a great deal.
Wishing you well
GamRecovery
Hi Sjr - I suffer from anxiety which I only really spoke to a doctor about last year, having thought that really everyone felt like I did all the time. The doctor was fab, so I can definitely recommend that, as it may help you too. Congratulations on your GF days!
Hi Sjr12,
A big congratulations to you for being just a week away from 200 gamble free days. Well done you!
It’s not unusual that you’re experiencing mixed feelings – happy that you’re where you are at the moment, and confused about rejoicing or celebrating. I think you should celebrate as it’s a big achievement and given the fact that you’ve been struggling with your gambling problem for some time.
It’s healthy to cry if you feel emotional as you’d be letting out the pain, and you’ll feel better afterwards. Maybe you can calm yourself down with the ice cream you’re thinking of.
How about contacting our free phone Helpline on: 0808 8020 133, and have a 1 to 1 chat with one of our advisers?
Our lines are open everyday from 8.00am to midnight.
I wish you all the best for your journey, and please keep up the good work.
Above all, keep posting!
Kind regards,
Beatrice
Thank you for your comments and I really appreciate your help.
GamRecovery - thanks for your suggestions and I’ve never thought to write or diary keep. I’ve ordered a diary to help with my thoughts and how I’m feeling, it’s just so confusing and I hope this phases passes. It’so weird that it feels like a bereavement cycle, some days I’m fine, most days I feel nothing and I think you’re right that it will help me to reflect. Congratulations to you on your 1000 days GF, what an acheievement. Maybe when I’m at your level I can look back on diary to remember the journey!
Lil30 - thanks for the advice on seeing a doctor, I’ve spoken to a friend who also suffers from anxiety which really helped. I think speaking to a doctor or professional will help as well, as you say. I don’t think it’s depression but I am struggling with how to cope. Taking the gambling out of consideration this has also been the hardest year of my life to date - Happy to see the back of 2018 and I’ll start the new year on a fresh note and a trip to the docs!
She also suggested that I see a counsellor or therapist, just someone to talk to. I’ll start by calling GamCare to talk about my own personal demons. Step by step I’ll do everything I can to get back to normality. Thanks Beatrice!
I completely understand the ‘day is just another day’! Without gambling life can feel so empty, as though ruining our lives somehow fulfilled them. This is one of the biggest parts of recovery I struggle with...filling the time and getting the high!
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