Hello,
Day 1......I'm trying the forums/recovery diary route again.
Having been a gambling addict for 20years now, I struggle to believe I will do anything else with my life.
I am a 42yo male with a wife and 3 kids, have a well paid job and am sole provider for my family.
I bet hundreds every day, in shop, race by race as I'm excluded everywhere online.
I'm absolutely at my wits end with the wasted time and money.
I've lost about £3700 over the last week or so and spent hours upon hours away from my young family to do it.
I constantly lie to family, friends and work about what I'm doing.
I've posted previously and quit for several months at a time, sought professional help via counselling, restricted access to my money, but yet I still return to gambling.
I'm so embarrased by this behaviour, that I don't want to admit it to my wife or other family. So I suffer in silence. I'm not suicidal but definitely depressed and the only thing that helps is the dopamine hits from betting.
I currently have an undiagnosed health condition, which is getting me down and I'm finding (or maybe excusing myself) that the only way to stop thinking about it is to gamble and escape reality.
I also have a strange aversion to self excluding from local bookmakers, not sure whether thats through embarrasment or as I fear it will just cause me to go further afield (ie next town) and not really help the route of the problem.
Anyway having just come from a heavy losing session, you can probably tell from my text I'm feeling pitiful. My worry is this feeling subsides, as it has done so often previously and I begin the same vicious cycle.
For your thoughts and encouragment but mainly my sanity.
Hi... yes iv'e been a gambling addict for many years as well. I think the only difference between you and me, is that whilst your watching the screen willing your horse along, am the sad sod in the corner feeding twenty pound notes into the machines. A few random thoughts on what you say....
It might well be that if you exclude from your local bookmakers you will travel to ones further away... BUT... even if local exclusion doesn't stop you gambling, if it just stops a single session then it would still be a good thing. That has been my experience anyway. Am excluded from more than 50 bookies but on occasions I have travelled, such is the compulsion, but sometimes that travel time has given me that time to change my mind... and allowed the urge to gamble to pass. Its your gambling head that tells you not to exclude.
Its classic CG behaviour to keep atleast one option open to gamble whilst closing others down at least for a period of time, but it don't mean that you shouldn't keep shutting down your options to gamble. keep making it more difficult to gamble!!
By the way. If you phone the national self exclusion line, you don't physically have to go into any bookies. You email them your details and a photo and they do all the donkey work. Its a good time to do it now, whilst your feeling low after a loss. It is inevitable that the pain of this loss will pass, probably as another pay day approaches.
On a positive, being on a good wage will mean that financially you will recover quickly. Dealing with your depression will be the real challenge, but in the short term you need to find something to do to fill the void to an extent. For me jogging helps. The natural high and all that.
Remember... your brain has re-wired itself to want to crave a gamble, it will take time to re-wire it back to a more normal way of functioning. You are an addict just like I am... but you can get better. You know you can.
Warm regards.. S.A
Thanks for the reply SA. Definitely some things to consider in the morning. Cheers
Day 2. Still feeling sorrowful.
Have got some routine appts today (opticians, hospital) which I've previously uwed as an excuse to visit betting shops and on occasions missed the appts as I got so involved in high octane gambling sessions.
Don't feel like I want to bet, but put that down to still feeling raw and a lack of access to money, so no real achievement if I'm being honest.
I will try to check in regularly just to keep myself accountable. Especially as the feelings of guilt wear off and I reenter the danger zone.
The hardest thing with a gambling addiction is you can hide it unlike alcohol or drugs.
I don't understand the gambling with bookies etc. as although I had a gambling addiction I have never been in a bookies, online gambling and scratch cards is what I was addicted to.
Your wife probably already knows you have a Gambling Addiction but doesn't know how to approach the situation. My husband thought I was having an affair because I was always on my phone and hiding it away from him he was actually in a way relieved that I wasn't having an affair.
When I admitted my problems 355 days ago he said I am glad you told me because if I had caught you then I wouldn't be able go trust you.
I still have no full access to my money, even though my husband doesn't want them I keep every receipt to protect myself.
I think you need that difficult conversation with your wife. Give your wife the full detail even if it is in a letter. Until she is fully aware your not going to stop gambling, my husband knowing is the best thing because my triangle is in place and has been for 355 days.
Please read my post a new life it may give you some help
Take care
Day 5 still GF.
Still fairly raw after last week. Know I wont gamble today as I dont have access to any money and its the international weekend for football.
Bigger tests to follow.....
Day 10.
Have to go back to a town where I've had a few heavy sessions previously. Confident I won't gamble as an struggling a bit financially till payday.
Not sure whether the low feeling is wearing off but feel like the door to old habits is slightly opening again. Need to resist the urges as they inevitably become stronger over the coming days/weeks.
Hi Mike....
Payday and the days after will be the real challenge.
Be prepared, plan ahead.
Hey Mike.
How are you? I hope you have been well and kept your strength
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