Step by Step - Retry

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(@charlieboy)
Posts: 1013
 

The other thing is I'm a month away from gambling and if I'm honest I could sit here and think of a whole host of reasons why I " deserve" to have a little gamble ! But for me I was in a huge vacuum of lies deceit manipulating things to suit me. Looking back was I happy.... No. Am I happy now....I'm getting there obviously I have off days but not hiding behind all the lies etc is sitting much better with me I'm staring to like myself now after a few years of self loathing shame and living on adrenaline and anxiety. 

 
Posted : 4th July 2020 12:16 pm
Restart83
(@restart83)
Posts: 15
Topic starter
 

Thank you for sharing @chris and @charlieboy - I have read some of your experiences and it is safe to say that fighting the urge is an everyday battle. I really hope both of you find a way through this as I do agree with Chris that the gambling is a part of me and the chemicals are needing a hit. I used to smoke... I quit after having a child and I don't drink much simply because of my lifestyle and I had a bad experience drinking on an empty stomach one time - gambling is something difficult and because of it is more of a mental experience is difficult to keep under control, especially when my mind is already weak with worry. 

 
Posted : 4th July 2020 2:14 pm
(@charlieboy)
Posts: 1013
 

It's very difficult as the uniqueness of each and every one of us means that there is no one size fits all that can influence recovery. I'm doing the counselling (phone) and using this forum online both of which are very helpful. However for me there is no real replacement for face to face contact and I'm looking forward to being able to go to a GA meeting I've already found out where my local one is

 
Posted : 4th July 2020 2:32 pm
(@kevthekev40)
Posts: 414
 

hiya restart I'm sorry you had a relapse 

But we're only human my friend and not computers so the whole idea is damage limitations if we put enough things in place it should be minimal risk plus if we can get straight back on that bike well it's day one again but this time we definitely know we've got to do better than the last time as that's a plus. One day at a time that's all we can do no looking back only moving forward and I'll be keeping MY eye on you and if there's anything I can do for you I'm here just like everybody else 

 
Posted : 4th July 2020 2:32 pm
Restart83
(@restart83)
Posts: 15
Topic starter
 

Thanks Kev. I really appreciate your concerns and response - I hope things are well for you also. Sat down with partner about this and in my mind I know I have lost a chunk of her trust but at least letting it out has stopped the nightmares and stress of worrying.

 
Posted : 6th July 2020 8:19 am
(@kevthekev40)
Posts: 414
 

I'm glad 

You could sit down with your partner and go through this as it's out there and you don't need to hide or chase it. You may have lost part off her trust my friend but that can be earned back over time with actions. I will never believe that we can't get back in that glimmer of hope if we just stay away from that evil little devil called gambling. Watch the one show tonight as I have it on good authority it's about gambling 

 
Posted : 6th July 2020 5:01 pm
Restart83
(@restart83)
Posts: 15
Topic starter
 

Looking at today's date I noticed the delay in updates simply because sometimes if I thought about quitting Gambling then that triggers and urge. 

In regards to gambling - I have remained self banned from all shops and websites apart from one which has a heavy limit on the Sportsbook and lifetime exclusion from the slots. - worryingly, the closure of all accounts set off anxiety attacks - more about that later - and shamelessly I needed one to be open to have a sense of control over my life.

 

Despite this, I have moved on. Although that account is open and self limit controls are set - I have never had an urge for it as I have returned to my drawings and this has become the new addiction for me. I must be doing 4 pictures a day on my off time and I have used the money that I have not spent to buy materials and also go out more (when lockdown was lifted).

 

Now the downer: I still need help. I have mentioned I am a Carer 24/7 including the Caring job I do and it has impacted me quite heavily. The account I left open, is there as a 'backup', a placebo to pacify my concerns - again I admit to using it however the thrill from gambling has gone now that I have found something else to fill that void.

In terms of Caring - which I now know led to the gambling - was a way of getting control in my life again. The trouble I am coming to terms with is that it isn't the betting that made me anxious/panic attacks/mental distress etc - it's the lifestyle in general. I have been more focused on my hobby and yet having the same issues I had when trying to win money. I still get restless nights - panic attacks - and nausea despite being clean.

 

I am typing this all down without thinking too much as this what comes to mind. I am still going to be adding to this diary in case I am wrong about my feelings but at most - at least I know where most of the problems are arising.

 
Posted : 1st October 2020 10:26 am
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