Step by Step - Retry

Good morning Restart83

Just wanted to welcome you and your new diary and say how impressed I am with the self reflecting you have been doing.

You are right about highlighting anxiety and you are certainly not alone in feeling this rise during these unprecedented times with the Covid virus.  It does sound like as a Carer at home and at work that you have been giving a lot to other people, but please do remember the importance of trying to fit in a bit of self-care for you too.  

I look forward to reading more about your recovery journey, but during which please don’t forget that added support is available on both our HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 and our Netline 24/7. One of our Advisers would be happy to look into the problem you are having with that device and help you in finding a solution to that.

Kind regards

ChrisK

Forum Admin

Thank you for your support ChrisK.

Unfortunately, I broke my own system within 24 hours. A phone we have at home was still open without blocking software and I slithered onto it - the phone right this moment has been locked with the blocking software. Will write more on this in the next post.

Today I slipped.

Chasing losses from the previous gamble and feeling like I am in the dog house is not getting close.

Installed Gamban onto the final device and I have admitted that the time spent not gaming feels close to breaking up from a relationship. 

I had enjoyed the morning by going out with family for the first time since the lockdown and I have begun make a plan to fill the weekly schedule.

I really want to make this work and I know it isn't going to be easy.

Had a sleep and gotten past the self pity stage and now focusing on fixing the problem.

Today I will make a weekly plan. In this day of devices, as soon as I thought all computers have been blocked it occurred to me that there are others that need software needs installing.

I have altered the budget once again so I can pay off any remaining debts in good time and will begin looking for another job as the current one, although useful, doesn't give me a chance to fix my mental health when I am not caring at home.

We all mess up my friend but look where your at you don't come here for a laugh you come to change I was once told it takes you 5 slipups before you actually change don't ask me how true it is but I was told it. I'Ve messed up bad on the 24th of April and invthe space of an hour I lost £7900 I never even had it was on my partners PayPal so that's fraud, but know one will listen to me, look it drained her bank emptied her overdraft and left her with a PayPal ballance in the negative off £3100. I'm trying to forgive myself but how can I when I've hurt the people I love once again yes yes yes I've totally blown the whole place up. To be honesty I don't understand why any off them are still taking to me. I 've promised from the top of my heart it will be no more it's hurt too many people and made our family life miserable. My partner had to empty  £2000 out the credit union she'd been saving just so she could square things up, now I feel like the worst of the worst but then I've got all these genuine people ringing me up want to help me oh my God some angelsvarebin the house so my friend your not that bad person,  good luck and just stay away from those devil bets

Spoken to Gamcare and reflected more on my actions. Budget all planned out and ready for action and have checked in. Spent yesterday being productive with some artwork and listening to podcasts - that took 4 hours of my time and hope this is a new habit I can break into. 

Well done. Im finding new / old things to keep busy too...away from my phone

Hope it is working for you. Phone is a destroyer of productivity and always difficult to avoid as companies turn to apps so they can modernise with the times. 

Spent most of the mornings in creativity mood. Haven't done any art work for 14 years and I hope this creativity will continue into the next few years. This bloody virus going on is making me nervous, as much as the whole world, and not ready to contact work to give reasons why I feel it is not safe for my return as someone important to me has a shielding letter. Will contact them at some point but if anything that will cause concern to return to gambling is lack of work. 

Hi restart83,

Lovely to hear that you're rediscovering your creativity and interest in producing art. From your previous posts it seems like you've been pretty busy, contacting us, sorting out your budget, and looking at gaps in the blocks you had in place. How did you get on with finding blocking software for the devices you mentioned that aren't covered yet? If  you need some ideas for that, we have information and examples of apps you can try here:

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/self-help/blocking-software/

It's fantastic that you are updating your diary regularly. This will really let you see how far you've come. It would probably be easier for you and others to find your posts if you stick to one topic for your diary rather than creating a new one each time you want to update. That way, all the comments and replies to you are in one place. As a reminder, your first diary post was this one:

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/recovery-diaries/step-by-step-retry/#post-1958124

If you like, we can merge all your diary topics into one for you. Just let us know either here or by emailing forum.admin@gamcare.org.uk.

Best wishes and keep posting,

Deirdre
Forum Admin

Thanks Deirdre and Jill for arranging the diary merge, this will help keep everything compact for me.

Lost count which day I am on and it has been a struggle some of the times. A trigger now and again however knowing that everything has been locked certainly helps. Most of the time I am now focused on being productive and listening to music and getting involved with an online art community which is taking my mind of things.

Made a mess of everything...again!

What annoys me is that I am letting people down. Since March I felt better and got caught up in activities but then the slippery slope kicked in around June and now I have caused much grief for my family. 

I had a sit down with my wife explaining that I am trying to stop but need her support i.e she needs to take whatever income and keep it in her account, if she notices suspicious activity on the bank account confront me about it. It's unfair on her that she needs to keep an eye on me but I also believe it is would be a deterrent to help me get back in line.

What bothers me is that I am on anti-depressants, highly anxious and a carer at home as well as working in a job as a carer. In this vicious circle, I have applied for new jobs (I am lucky to have one) so I am not living in a caring role 24 hours a day but also so I can work around my domestic caring needs yet the desperation to get out of this line of work is challenging in itself and the voice pops up again influencing me that gambling is the way forward.

I have come to the conclusion that the reason for my gambling is a release from the stresses of not having a life anymore and sometimes, shame on me, to just wishing sometimes to go outside for a family day out without treading around eggshells or come home and discover that a meltdown/incident occurred and just have a rest.

If I could get my head around this, then maybe my gambling problems will cut down.

@restart83

It's interesting that you say you have come to the conclusion that gambling is a release from the stresses of....

There comes a time in problem gambling when it's more than the money, it's the lies, it's the feelings, it's the things we do to get the money, it's the secrets. It sounds like you are at that stage. In GA we say that gambling isn't the problem, we are the problem and the gambling is the symptom. It sounds like it's time to fix you first and the gambling will take care of itself.

Can I suggest joining a group once they are open again or giving the Gamcare advisers a call and talking about yourself, I think you'll find it a big help towards recovery.

Well done though on trying again.

Hope to read as your life improves.

Chris.

Hi restart 83. I totally identify with what you say, I worked as a nurse for 30 years and plus other things that life threw at me I turned to gambling initially as enjoyment but unfortunately for me like you it started be my go to , times of stress, pain (mental and physical) etc etc Eventually I just gambled every day chasing the win chasing the loses. My husband found out in a most painful way early one Friday morning which was actually a month ago today. I have put all the blocks in place and husband has full financial control I have no access to cards bank accounts  etc and maybe this might have to be a lifelong thing because it is gradually sinking in that like alcoholism and drug addiction this is for life. Best wishes and I'm always available for replying as next to blocking this site has made a huge difference for me