Simon's Recovery Diary

Hi Lonely,

First of all, thanks so much for thinking of me. It's taken me until now to respond because sadly, I wasn't ready to stop gambling. I knew I wasn't, even when I started this diary. I just wanted a listening ear and some temporary relief because I was annoyed at what I had lost.

I am replying now just half an hour after my last bet. I am logged into the site on my laptop at the casino bar in Cambodia, where I am 'stuck' as I try to find a way home. I did this to myself. The truth is I flew here purposely with the intention to gamble. The madness of this addiction is that I convinced myself I could get through the following weeks/months while Covid-19 strikes by gambling every day. Cambodia is one of very few countries that still has the casinos open although you are temperature checked on arrival, have to wear a mask throughout your visit and are required to sanitise every half an hour with security guards checking, and they do.

With everything I wrote previously at the start of this thread and all the reasons I gave of how I felt, I have still continued and come back to exactly the same casino and done it all over again. A similar amount of £1,000 or just over, all on roulette betting high in wreckless desperation hoping my numbers would come up. As I write this I thank God they didn't because I only would have gone from bad to worse and remained in the madness of gambling behaviour otherwise.

There is no hope for me whatsoever if I cannot get my head around this problem. I must face it and own the fact that I am totally and utterly addicted to gambling. I cannot stop myself. Strangely, I am not beating myself over the money lost, which i normally do. Actually I think its because my feleings are just numb to be honest; there is no feeling or emotion as I write. I am just terribly sad that at aged 50 I am still gambling my head off. I have been following this pattern of behaviour for 41 years. I don't want to know why anymore, I used to but its completly irrelevent. I am so far gone and I desperately need help. It is desperate. I need to get home as soon as possible, I need to check myself into an addiction rehab and isolate myself from this addiction. I have no control whatsoever, none.

I am the only person that can stop this and I know this. Nobody can do it for me. I am 100% ready now to stop. I don't want to put myself through this agony anymore, and it is agony. The agony of being comfortable, and the fear of wanting to change.

I will leave it at this now but my intention is to visit the chat room later tonight, 8pm UK time, which is 3am Cambodian time.

Thanks again Lonely and I can only hope your making a better decision to look after yourself than I am.

Chat soon,
Simon.

Hi Simon

I have only just seen the post you put in reply to my last post. I was debating whether to post earlier and decided not to as I was a little frustrated about how chat finished so decided to leave some time before I did. You were clearly having a very bad day and I hope you are doing okay. 

I’m glad to see in your above post that you say you really have had enough of gambling and want to stop for good. Like you said yourself, everyone can offer support but it will only work if you want to stop. Do you still feel this way a week later?

I know you’re unhappy about having come back to the UK and hope in a few days you’ll be feeling a bit better about it.  I hope you don’t get upset or annoyed with what I’m going to say as it is meant with the best of intentions. 

First of all, now you’re back in the UK, if you really want to stop gambling, now is the perfect time to do it.  Get Gamstop in place, put blocks on your account to stop gambling transactions and give yourself some time to think about what it really is you want for your future. Flying back off to Thailand or Cambodia won’t make any of these problems go away, as I recall you were unhappy while you were out there too. The only way to rid yourself of this is to face it head on. Being angry at the world will not help! I understand it’s frustrating not being able to go out and do as you please but it won’t last forever so maybe put this time to good use to build a better future for yourself. All bookies, casinos etc are closed here so if you get online blocks in place then you won’t be able to gamble or not at least for a little while which will give you time to get a clear head - only then will you start to move forward otherwise you’re just bouncing from one session to the next. 

Think of this as an opportunity. Only you can decide whether you wish to take it or not. People will choose to help and support you, if you choose to help yourself. 

Wishing you well. 

Lonely

Thanks Lonely. I appreciate you taking the time to write this. I am not in a good place at all mentally and this Covid-19 and the rules put in place is making me much worse. I am finding it hard to cope. Thanks for writing though and wish you well too. Cheers, Simon.

I wanted to visit my diary today as an update is way overdue and I don't want to start getting complacent about my short recovery to date.

The chat room and the regular members I have met who visit most days have been so helpful to me and I am really grateful. Gambling isn't often talked about with lots of light humour instead around other subjects, but I really like that as its not all doom and gloom and nice to think more positively about normal things in life and try to build on that. Thanks all.

Well today has been pretty good all things considered. I've been suffering with some pretty uncomfortable neck and back pain over the last 3-4 days but it seems to ease up a bit once I am up and about, then it gets bad again when I lie down so I am not sleeping that well at the moment. Talking to others though; friends, family and those in chat, just makes me realise how fortunate I am and grateful for everything that I do have in life. Health is so important and a real blessing actually when you stop to consider just exactly what's going on in the world at the moment with Covid-19 and just how many people are affected. I really don't want to take my health for granted and thank God for my existence, for my mental and physical health and for all the opportunities and experiences that come with that.

Earlier in chat I heard about a BBC Panorama documentary about addictive gambling. Turns out that one of the guys featured on it also chats here and I met him, albeit virtually, in this afternoon's peer aid chat.

I have since watched the programme on iPlayer and must admit I was quite shocked at the amounts of money particularly that people were gambling. Sometimes its dangerous when we think about amounts because in my case for example, I could quite easily justify having another bet if I were to compare what I usually gamble and what I would lose financially to others. Looking at the 2 main people featured in the documentary my gambling amounts were financially much smaller in comparison, though oddly enough overall perhaps not so different, but on a day to day or weekly basis, much different. Fortunately though, I am in a strong place at the moment so I won't be thinking along these dangerous lines. More importantly, I know that the emotional damage is always the same regardless of amounts; it's the emotional pain, the misery and heartache that I simply can't take anymore. I have absolutely battered myself through this addiction, time and time again.

We spoke of rock bottoms earlier in chat. Some said they had finally reached their rock bottom and I believe that of course. I too have said that to myself and felt that on more than one occasion, but I also commented that at aged 50 and after 41 years of gambling (37 years addictively) and having stopped and started so many times, I now don't believe I actually have a rock bottom as such anymore. I used to think I did. I would gamble until it got so bad emotionally that I just couldn't keep beating myself up. Those feelings were so strong at the time and even for the next couple of days or so that I was convinced the penny had finally dropped and I was ready to change my behaviour. Give it 3-4 days though and its suddenly as if I am born again; a new person who has 'somehow' (the addiction of course) forgotten about how bad it was recently and totally believed that today was a new day, that something was going to be different. Armed with more money to gamble with; typically borrowed from the bank or a credit card, off I go ready to do it all over again with a renewed feeling of excitement and hope that this day will somehow be different. It never was. It never will be.

Gambling addiction is such an illness and everyone reading this knows it. We are all here to find help for ourselves and to support others. Thank you for being here for me and I hope I can stay here to be there for others on this journey too.

In unity, strength and hope, Simon.

Hi simon,  just wanted to pop along and say ur making great progress , been lovely talking to you in chat today you have come so far ?

Hi Simon

I have just re-read your diary from the beginning and it is so nice to see how far you have come with your thought process and way of thinking. Abstaining from gambling really does wonders for our mental health, allowing us to regain our logical thinking and appreciate the simple things in life. Reading your last post really made me happy to see you are valuing these things and your post is so positive. You should be really proud on the profess you have made in such a short time. 

Chat is a really nice place to visit recently with lots of regular faces and your contributions are really valued with your analytical and reflective thinking. Hope you have a good Sunday and hope to catch you in chat tomorrow. 

Lively

Hi Simon hope you are doing ok I miss you on chat I had a few issue but not gambling ones thank god I last spoken you had move back to your home hope it went well hope to see you on chat soon take your friend scotty ??

Hi Simon

As Scotty and Stace have mentioned, we have missed seeing you around in chat lately and I really hope you are okay. 

Remember we are all here to support through the good and the bad. I hope to see you in chat soon. 

Take care for now.

Lively