Simon's Recovery Diary

Days 5/6

Just checking in really to say that I've been busy with other things but I am still free from gambling. Thoughts are still strong but there's no casinos or any kind of gambling possible anywhere as I am so remote and I am also registered with Gamstop for 5 years and still in year 1, thank God.

When I get the gambling thoughts I am asking myself more why I want to gamble rather than thinking about anything else. How can I want to stop, but also want to still play? That's honestly how I feel so its a white knuckle ride for the moment. Perhaps with some time under my belt I might feel a little stronger, I do hope so.

Will try and write some more tomorrow. Now in Trang in southern Thailand and have no plans tomorrow other than to sit on the beach, swim and get a tan, although even that seems hard work and a lot of effort given my mindset. The truth is, I am finding it a real struggle to switch off and do nothing, its just not something I am used to doing. Gambing always filled any type of void I ever had.

Cheers and hope all are ok in their respective recovery's, Simon.

Day 7

Life feels very mundane at the moment and I am doing nothing with my days. Today for example, I woke up for a late breakfast then headed to the beach around 10am for a couple of hours. It was boiling hot and I got sunburnt quickly. I was the only one on the beach for a long stretch. I thought initially that I might like remote places and beaches like this but in fact I am missing people and being part of life. Funny that as I've often questioned if I am more of a loner type. Having had this epxerience I don't think I am, more someone who enjoys being around others but also values his own space.

I have been thinking of gambling of course but I suppose just thinking about it nothing more. I wasn't thinking that I wanted to play today but was in touch with what a huge void there is in my life when I don't gamble. Russ on this forum seem strong in his recovery and suggests that what is needed is a complete life change and not just absitance. Of course he is right and maybe I am more understanding and aware of that now in my life than I have been in the past. Essentially then, I need to build a brand new life from now and that's not an easy ask as I am so used to certain patterns of behaviours and habits. I'll give it a go though. One thing's for sure, the more days I am free from my addiction the more stronger I'll be (I hope) when I next enter a country that does have casinos. On my travels to date I have been going online before entering a country to see where the casinos are and locate somewhere near them for my stay. I am hoping not to do that in a few weeks time when I arrive in the Philipines via Singapore.

As I say, its been a lazy day and every day up to this point has been too. My thinking is a little different though and rather than put pressure on myself internally to 'be doing something' (the good old inner critic) I am thinking that maybe its ok to just do this, to do nothing and to live in the present moment. I guess that's what I am doing then. To be honest I've analysed so much stuff over the years, had tonnes of therapy both individual and group spanning over the last 30 years, not to mention GA since 1992; I am trying somehow to just switch off from it all and live in the moment. Its really not easy to do that without switching off your thoughts which is hard if not impossible to do. Anyway, just saying. Got some GA literature and AA's Little Red Book with me here but not reading any of it yet and not sure if I will. Haven't really felt in the mood yet and enjoy surfing the web and reading stuff on their more.

Been in contact with a couple of good friends and speaking with my sister for a bit today so that was something as my relationship with siblings has never been great, not with my inlaws either. I think recovery can be really scary and maybe thats why the thoughts to go back and play are as strong as they are, a feeling simply of 'My God, I just don't know what its like not to gamble in life. Bear in mind I first started gambling at age 9 and I was easily an addict by age 13. When I think of all the gambling I have done in my life and all the money to fund it I am lost, really. It has cost an absolutle fortune. A lot of that money was stolen in the early days; in later days it was work, mum paying off debts and often giving me money knowing I would go and gamble to get me out of the house because my dad was abusive and would beat the c**P out of me otherwise. I have never blamed her for that as he would turn on her too; she did what she thought was right at the time to try to protect me. I then inherited some money early in life and started gambling that although fortunately I have not done too much damage on that front yet. But it would only be a matter of time if I kept gambling, I know that. I would do the lot and leave myself with nothing which would then give me the excuse to end it all - if I was courageous enough at that time, or maybe desperate enough is a more apt term.

I know I have to let go of the past and I'll keep chipping away at this on a daily basis. If anyone's reading, perhaps you can share how you have done that? How do you really let go once and for all of gambling, abuse, anger, pain and lots of other stuff muddled up in that crazy package of mental health?

I'll pop in the chat room again tonight and try to be more open minded. At the moment I am still pretty angry in life and I am attracted to conflict, or I seek it. Either way I want to think about this lots more and start breaking some nasty self destructive patterns in my life. Maybe I should I try to get on with people and just see how that goes, rather than destroy every opportunity.

That's enough for tonight then. Not sure how many days gone without a bet. I thought 7 but my diary says more! No matter, so long as I am not gambling that's the main part. I now need to think about and talk about recovery, and what that term really encompasses and take some action.

Night, Simon.

Simon I relate so much! I am struggling to let go of the losses... I just CAN’T and it drives me insane. I’m attracted to conflict, I’m angry, self destructive and self harming seems to come naturally and has done for the last 22 years. I also relate to other personal issues that you’ve stated you have in your diary. We’re on a really similar journey and place in that journey so if you’d like, I’d be happy to share contact details so we both have someone to talk to on what’s app. I’m looking for a couple of people to have close to hand in case I feel like I’m going to fall. No pressure at all but the offer is there.

You’re doing so well, be proud of your 9 days as these are the hardest after a loss.

Em x

P.S: Do you mind me asking what sort of gambling was your preference? You don’t have to answer, just wondering if similar to mine. (I’m mainly fixated with slots and went through a phase of Roulette)

Day 8 - Part 1

Not gambling, but not sure if I am living. Sat in my hotel room having had breakfast just typing away on the forum and reading people's posts. That's good and useful but the voice inside asks me why I am doing this on holiday while travelling? I feel I 'should' be doing something else, but what? My energy levels are low and it seems so much easier just to sit here with the kettle and some pouches of coffee passing the day inside. Its sunny outside though, a beach stretching for miles and maybe some places to go if I could get myself in the mood. Well at least I am starting to realise just how much of a void there is when gambling is not part of my life. I guess that's why I aam pondering what the hell I am now supposed to do? Maybe go out, meet people, relate to the world? Wow! Heavy stuff! Might check in again later so I'll call this Day 8 - Part 1. Cheers...

Simon.. You are not doing nothing.. You are noticing the beauty of nature.. Sat there processing thoughts.. Somethings going on.. It sounds positive to me.. 

Enjoy the day..tbe beauty of that place you are In geographically but also enjoy the healthier thoughts that not gambling us allowing you to have. 

Still early days for you. Still tender moments.. 

Today choose not to gamble. 

I can hear those waves and feel the sand 

Boo 

???

Thanks Boo, appreiate you commenting.

Yes I know you are right deep down. I need to be so much more accepting of myself and just chill. Always been complicated for me that. It's so hot out here honestly, my energy levels are depleted even with a good night's sleep and a good breakfast. While I could get up and walk along the beach front or the road I just feel like sitting here in the dinning area connected to the internet with a fan blowing in my face! That's what is currently going on as I type this response.

I am feeling angry and frustrated generally. Santander bank account is playing up, there's lots of things I am trying to do but can't on my laptop for one reason or another. I bought a Google Pixel Slate for my travels and have to advise everyone never ever to buy a Google product! Why didn't I just stick with Apple and buy an iPad? Honestly, nothing works on this stupid thing and I can barely sign into any websites. Those that I can don't even look right on it. Very often I am late in the Gamcare chat room because nothing works properly on this thing. Long story short if anyone's remotely interested.... (lol) is that these Chromebooks use Google's own Chrome OS operating system which is the biggest pile of dog poo on this planet! I think I might be able to install Linux on this so I'll give that a go and see if it transforms into a better computer that actually works properly. I have had so many problems buying anything from Google. Never again.

Right, rant over. Where were we? Oh yes, living life! Erm... I'll get back to you on that! 

Thanks Boo, appreiate you commenting.

Yes I know you are right deep down. I need to be so much more accepting of myself and just chill. Always been complicated for me that. It's so hot out here honestly, my energy levels are depleted even with a good night's sleep and a good breakfast. While I could get up and walk along the beach front or the road I just feel like sitting here in the dinning area connected to the internet with a fan blowing in my face! That's what is currently going on as I type this response.

I am feeling angry and frustrated generally. Santander bank account is playing up, there's lots of things I am trying to do but can't on my laptop for one reason or another. I bought a Google Pixel Slate for my travels and have to advise everyone never ever to buy a Google product! Why didn't I just stick with Apple and buy an iPad? Honestly, nothing works on this stupid thing and I can barely sign into any websites. Those that I can don't even look right on it. Very often I am late in the Gamcare chat room because nothing works properly on this thing. Long story short if anyone's remotely interested.... (lol) is that these Chromebooks use Google's own Chrome OS operating system which is the biggest pile of dog poo on this planet! I think I might be able to install Linux on this so I'll give that a go and see if it transforms into a better computer that actually works properly. I have had so many problems buying anything from Google. Never again.

Right, rant over. Where were we? Oh yes, living life! Erm... I'll get back to you on that! 

Day 9 (Day 8 - Part 2 included!)

It's been an interesting day. No gambling, gratefully. A thought or two that my higher power might have brought me to this place purposely. I often think things are destined rather than coincidence, at least for me.

The time is currently 23:38pm in Thailand and I've been up since 7am, so I am starting to feel a bit tired. I was in the chat room earlier in the evening, which was the daytime for the UK (I am 7 hours ahead here) but unfortunately I only managed to get the last half hour in as I simply lost track of time. Because of that, I am trying to stay up another 3 hours from now so that I can make the evening session, or the early morning session for me! You know what though? I am really grateful to those I've connected with in the short space of time I have returned here. I first signed up 10 years ago aged 40 and I did start a thread and post quite regularly for a while. I never used the chat room though; I think it was up and running then, I am sure. I've been thinking about that a lot this evening. Here we all congregate, people from all over the UK and all over the globe; drawn together through gambling addiction foremost, but also, a strong desire to change for the better.

I want to say thank you, and I really mean it. People don't have to take time from their day (from their lives) to register an account here and to offer to help and support others and themselves, but they do. As I type this text I know that people will read it and some may respond. It may help them; it definitely helps me. I don't feel so alone. I think loneliness has been such a big part of my life and maybe that's one reason I stayed so close to gambling and felt like I couldn't live without it. Still those thoughts are incredibly strong and right there with me, but also thoughts - knowledge and truth in fact, that I can live without it, quite easily actually. It's just a change of thinking; a different belief system, that's all.

I seem to have mastered the art of taking something simple and straightforward in life and making it complicated. That interests me. Gambling, and I believe many other addictions (if not all others), are surely all about self-destruction, aren't they? It makes so much sense to me when I think about this as I continue to type and share my current thoughts. What a shame that a person would honestly want to do that to themself; what little love and such low self-esteem they must have in order to pursue that course of action, but it's ok, today; more so this moment, I am choosing something different. I choose to share my thoughts and to be open and honest with this community. I can be part of something much more meaningful and to reach out and be open to new friendships and a new way of thinking and living. This is not a quick journey I know that; but it is a doable journey and it's one I want to take because today I choose to be part of life. There is no life to be found inside a casino.

Thank you diary. Thank you Gamcare (really Gamcare, thank you so much for this portal). Thank you to all those who post and offer support here, whether paid or unpaid. Thank you to those suffering with addiction and those suffering as a result of addiction. Thank you higher power; I feel I know you, even though we have never met. Or have we? Thank you to my family; to those still alive and to those passed on; you will always be close to me. Thank you to my friends who I so often take for granted, just as I have done with my family. The more I think about it the more I begin to realise just what and who I do have in my life. My addiction has taken so much from me and made me forgetful, resentful, bitter and angry. The world owes me nothing, but I owe the world so much. I owe it to myself, to those who love me, to give myself to the world in full.

Today is a new day and today I will live through every moment and be aware of just how miraculous and wonderous that is.

Thank you God. THANK YOU GOD.

With love from your beloved creation, Simon. Simon the man. Simon who loves, and who can be loved.

Day 9 - Additional

I am travelling with my laptop and my iPhone and since I don't always have both to hand I record different bits and pieces on either device at any one time. This additional post is a copy and paste of notes from my iPhone several days ago, soon after my last bet. I was just about to delete it but thought it important to add it to the diary as a reminder of what I wanted to say to myself. It was extremely pertinent at the time so here it is:

Slots and roulette become so boring so quickly. I just play for the sake of playing. You can't make it right, that's what I mean to say. It doesn't matter how you think about it, how you justify it or how you repackage it. It is what it is and it's done. Staying in that place mentally is completely meaningless and only holds you back further. Let this be the final bet Simon. Document your thoughts, get a dairy going again or write a blog, concentrate on that. Just for today I will not gamble.

What I hate about gambling the most is the type of person I become. For example, the last time I gambled was in casino in Cambodia. I remember seeing lots of ladies in there looking to hook up with the 'rich' guys (or so I saw it) and so I started acting as if I was one of them. I wanted to pretend I was above them or too good for them being the Westerner with money and looking down on them by walking past them when I saw them looking at me as if to say, I am too good for you so leave me alone to gamble. That was my mentality.

Thinking about this behaviour afterwards makes me feel physically sick. Gambling environments truly are the most negative awful places and bring out the very worst side of human nature. How dare I even think for 1 second that I am above or better than someone else? But sadly, that is where my gambling took me. On that night, I did actually start chatting with one of these ladies. She was such a lovely genuine honest person and who could blame her for being a casino wanting to meet someone who could might be able to offer a glimmer of hope to the poverty she and her family faced? So what did I end up doing? I took her to a roulette table and blew one thosuand pounds in front of her in the space of about half an hour. This was more than one year's wages to an average Cambodian, a lot more actually. I will never forget her face as she was begging me at times to stop but I just couldn't. I was on a mission, it all had to go. Perhaps her look of dismay will be enough to stop me again in the future? Perhaps not, but I hope it will. Gambling is a horrible, horrible illness and I hate it. Please forgive me higher power and let me forgive myself too. I don't ever want to put myself in that situation again and destroy someone elses life as well as my own. Dear God, please bless and watch over that dear sweet woman and all like her. They are far more deserving than me when gambling.

Simon,

What an amazingly reflective and powerful post. I think moments like these are the ones that should never leave our minds. Let them be our conscience. Thank you for sharing this. It has really made me think. 

Simon.. Its so true your reading.. There is a part of us all in your story.. 

Please be kind to you though.. Thank you for sharing 

Boo ???

Thank you guys.

I had fun in the forum tonight and it did feel great to be able to express some fun and experience an emotion and a feeling, at last.

Look forward to seeing you both tomorrow, hopefully in the afternoon session as I am not sure I can make many 3am one's my time! I really do appreciate your support.

Bless you all.

I will be there Simon, get some sleep my friend xx

Hi Simon

It was great to see you in chat this evening and I hope you get some much needed sleep after waiting up for chat. 

I’ve just read through your diary and see you are visiting some interesting places on your travels. The story about the lady and the casino really hit home. I hope you can enjoy the rest of your experience out there without gambling and the support of this forum. 

I will keep checking back for updates on your travel. 

Lonely

Hi Simon

Haven’t seen you about for a little while. I hope you are doing okay?

Lonely