SillyBoy1981 - Day1

Day-169

Im very lucky to have the son & the partner I have.. I feel very blessed to have them in my life & I love them unconditionally! They are my world completely!! Xx

My mental & emotional state is all over the place at the moment & I’m trying to remain calm & not freak out about things, which is very hard & exhausting BUT I have great support that tries to keep me centred.

Nothing that is going on in my life though is making me turn to gambling or feeling like I want it at all so again I’m in a good place with my sobriety...

I’m trying to talk to others now who are in a likewise position with gambling & worrying about the draws of it & all that goes with being & having this addiction... This is something new that I’m trying & I like how it feels to give support to others.

Speak again soon

Hi @sillyboy1981. Hope your recovery is going well still. These posts from people like you who bare their souls are absolutely invaluable to me. I'm humbled when people who are struggling take the time to post encouragement. I'm actually doing ok th better than I thought I would be day 10 today yeyyyy. I'm hitting triggers frequently but I'm starting to get a bit of grit and determination from resisting. My main problem time continues to be evenings you might have seen me post that my husband goes to bed 6-6.30 every night my son obviously in this current climate is online with his mates in the evening(asindeed  he should be) so basically I'm on my own all evening every evening I've started taking a walk late with the dogs with the light nights so that's a positive for me and the dogs !!. When lockdown eases more I'm going to have to look at something I can do of an evening I know unfortunately if the bingo halls reopen that will be a massive pull for me as that's been my social life for years. I have my first ARA counselling tomorrow and I guess this is all the sort of thing I can talk over. I'm actually looking forward to it !! . Do you ever envisage a time when gambling / addiction won't be an issue for you? I'm taking the time to read people's diaries and I find even negative ones give me inspiration and food for thought!! Support from people like yourself is humbling and I'm hoping that I can use my experiences to help people. With regards

Day-178

Today is Father’s Day & this morning I was woken by my little boy (who is my world & best friend).  Having a morning cuddle from  him & being with me would be all that I would need or want but he came in with a bag of gifts... A photo book of our memories (which I blinking live as I’m a sentimental monkey)... A football quiz book (well who wouldn’t love that!!!!)... My favourite aftershave which he picked! But the best part was my card... He told me a few weeks back that he had thought of a poem for me & he’s kept it a secret... At the time I was like wow I love it I can’t wait to see it or know what it is & was in awe that my boy had thought of a poem just for me! So I open the envelope to my card (not knowing the poem was inside or what the card is) & on the front is me & my boy in space & it’s wonderful as it’s part of what we say to one another on how we feel about each other, this made me well up.... Then I open the card & see he’s drawn a picture of me & him playing basketball (we’ve played hours upon hours through lockdown in the back garden & ive loved these moments) together, I love his drawings & how he expresses himself.... BUT THEN!!.. I see his poem... And wow just wow!!  His words & what he wanted to say to me were/are amazing... I cried reading it out of pure love & happiness... 

**My Poem To You

ROSE’S ARE RED

THE SUNSHINE IS BRIGHT

AND THE SAME GOES FOR YOU**

I bloody love my son! I really am blessed & one of the luckiest fathers in the world x

My sobriety is strong & I am 178 free of gambling! It’s early times still of my life goal but it’s made so easy because of what my son means to me & what I am to him. I want to be the best person I can be, I want to be a role model for him & I want to be his hero, I want to be the person that he can turn to, to depend on, to lean on, to ask advice, to keep him safe... I wasn’t given him that chance properly or honestly when I was gambling & that breaks & broke my heart BUT now away from gambling I see myself clearer & I can be that person I should & need to be for him & that fills me with so much more than I can even put into words & is the highest I can be & something that I live for in every second I am with or without him x

Then there’s my rock! I truly believe that I wouldn’t be alive without her...

My partner is all kinds of crazy & wonderful... All she wants is for the ones she loves to be safe, happy & loved... She builds an environment where you can be safe, where you can focus, where you are protected from yourself so you can heal... With gambling I was blinded to myself & the world I was in & I took her & our world for granted.. And I did that for years & didn’t see that I was doing it... BUT she is still here... She wanted more for me, for us, for our family... In a day & age when hitting the reset button on relationships seems to be as easy as a do over on a computer game she stayed! She took me for better & for worse... And for years it was the latter... We have tackled a lot of my issues that I have put into our relationship through my gambling & we’re now in a much stronger place... She is my rock & my best friend (my favourite) & I fancy & love the pants off of her!! We are not perfect but we are a team & we’re getting stronger every day!

I am blessed & truly loved by my son & my girlfriend & I am so happy in my sobriety... I am stronger because of these wonderful, gorgeous people & that makes my sobriety easy!

Today is a good day!

Speak again soon x

Hi @Charlieboy

Thank you for your kind words... How are you getting on with your recovery? Have you found a pattern or a process that works for you?

You mentioned “Do you ever envisage a time when gambling / addiction won't be an issue for you?”

The simple answer is yes & no.... For me I now know that I have an addictive trait! Some work for me & some work against me, being honest open & having a safe, strong & honest network around me helps me see this clearer. Gambling is an addiction that works against me & it is destructive... To my mental health, my mood, my money, my families money & everything that is good in life which gets hurt by gambling... Gambling consumed my thoughts & feelings & took control of them & me as a whole... Looking at it for what it is & seeing what it does why would I want that addiction in my life? I wanted rid of gambling & didn’t/don’t want it part of my life so that was the first step for me! Every day gambling free starts as Day 1, I am on day 1 of day 178.  I have the on line blockers in place & I use this platform to express & be open & honest... I talk to my partner about my emotions & I tick off days free of gambling & I have made milestones to aim for that are 10years out (and then another 10yrs & another.....). BUT that all means nothing if it’s not a life choice I don’t want! I don’t want gambling in my life as I’ve seen the effects of it so to me right now being gambling free is straight forward...

The addictions that work for me are mine, my sons & my partners happiness. They all give me so much more than any high of anything in life.

You have to be honest with yourself, do you want gambling in your life yes or no? And be ruthless with the decision you make! It is a life choice.  For me I choose not to have gambling.

Addiction is a crazy thing... If you’re aware of it & know why it’s doing you can do something about it.

Say you wake up every morning & there’s an animal in the kitchen waiting to be fed but you’re the only one that can know about the animal... You go feed the animal & go about your day, go to work etc... You get home & see the animal has broken everything is sight at home & taken everything you have... You’re now going to spend all of your time trying to fix & replace the everything that the animal has done & caused & it is going to be stressful & exhausting... Days, weeks, months & years are going to fly by with you feeding the animal & with each passing day, week, month & year you have less of yourself & are losing everything around you & have nothing to show for it... It’s simple, do you keep the animal in your life or do you do something different?

Having a goal, plan & a process will help with the days to day as well as the bigger picture.

You can create your own blueprint for being gambling free but you have to want that life.

You're doing brilliant with what you’re putting in place for yourself!

Speak again soon

Hi sillyboy. Starting to come terms with everything and definitely getting a much clearer mind . 17 days today good few years since I've gone even a day or two like you im taking each day one by one . My husband is still angry but is working with me. I have all the blocks in place and no access to our finances. I've seen people's posts about being angry at not having access to bank accounts. I'm relieved I can't be trusted and don't know if there will be a time ever.. My main goal is at this point is to be gamble free still when my son who is 15 now becomes a man then set another goal say when he gets married or becomes a dad himself. I definitely want to leave gambling behind me I don't want that horrible stomach churning feeling ever again,I'm hoping that gamanon meeting will start again as although telephone sessions are good I much prefer face to face . Posting on this site and reading everyone's stories I'm finding really helpful. Your father's day post really heartfelt thank you for sharing. Best wishes. We can do this

Day -200

Its been a couple of weeks since my last post on my sobriety BUT what a day to come back & hola at myself!!! 200 days clean & free of gambling!!! I mean not to be too excited but f***g check me out right!!! Whoop whoop...

Changing my life for a gambling free life is one of the best decisions I’ve ever had the privilege to have made in my life...

My mind space feels so much clearer... I feel focused on where I am & on so many possibilities of where I can move forward..!

These again are still early days but I love my life choice & how good I feel...

200 days clean on my sobriety!! 

We can all do this! 

Speak again soon! X

Day-217

Sobriety is still strong & I am still GF!! Today also falls on my Nans 90th birthday... Writing her birthday card out flashes back a lot of memories of who she is & what she has gone through & it made me immensely proud of her & thankful for all that she has ever done with me & for me.  I cried writing in her card but they were tears of joy & happiness but also ones of true reflection on the ones I have around me & the ones that I treasure...   And she is someone I bloody treasure! 

Today is a good day & one I will remember!

I’m learning to like & love myself again but today I really love my Nan! So Happy 90th Birthday to you Nan xxx

Speak again soon!

Hey sillyboy1981. Wow you are doing great and going strong. How lovely your nan 90th 3out of my4 grandparents lived till their late 80s and I felt so blessed to have them.

Day-224

So today marks 224 days of my sobriety & still GF...

I had a birthday recently & id previously always picked out a horse on my birthday that had some sort of significance towards me but I’d only just thought of that now as I started to write this & it didn’t even enter my mind when it was my birthday on Tuesday (4th August if anyone reading this wants to send me presents)...

I’m hoping that it’s a sign of how I’m living without gambling and how I’m now in the moment rather than being a zombie on autopilot which is what gambling did to me... I also sat my 7yr old son down over the wkend & told him that his Gramps is poorly & not going to recover from it & just telling him broke my heart & im now beating myself up if it was the right idea to tell him or not, I didn’t go into details or anything horrible but I wanted him to know from me and not see changes in his Gramps that he didn’t know why or to over hear someone talking about it. 

Again something like this my dad having cancer or my emotions all over the place from telling my son I would have falling down on myself and gone to gambling but that’s not entered my thoughts... If anything I’ve resented gambling for what it’s done and taken from me..

Trying to remain strong & patient with myself lately is a big challenge... Trying to motivate myself lately is a big challenge... Trying to be positive lately is a big challenge... Trying not to tell everyone to f***f lately is a big challenge..

But I am trying... I’m asking questions that I don’t have an answer for... I’m trying not to be in my head about things and I’m trying to deal with potential problems...

Im not perfect and never will be but at least I am trying!

Speak again soon

Day-233

Sobriety still going strong & still GF..!

Braved the gym for the first time in months this morning with my girlfriend... I was thinking it was going to be tough but it felt like I’d never been away & I bloody loved it!

Mental health is eased & my feelings feel a lot calmer by being able to go to the gym. Not sure how our routine is going to be again now with the way our new lives are taking shape but for day 1 back at the gym I am in good spirits... 

As for gambling has anyone else noticed the volume of adverts & how much more it all seems to be in your face with the “b******t” mental health & stop when its not fun... It’s all laughable... If they felt that way then why try to being people in with these deposits of £5 & will give you a billion pounds in free bets... Such a*******s... BUT I’ve not been tempted by any of it so my life choice is great thank you betsville!!

speak again soon

Day-240

Today marks 240 days of my sobriety & still gambling free.

I don’t think about gambling these days but I do think about writing on here every now and again... I drive past gambling shops & don’t get a want to pull over I get the sense of money & time wasted... I see the adverts on the TV & get a sense of anger that they putting it in you face... I hear them advertise on the radio & feel they’re taking the psssss with the messages about gambling awareness... So as much as I don’t think about gambling it’s always going to be in front of me through society but that’s ok now with me as it’s not a pull on me & it’s not something I need or want to be a member of.

My life choice is my family & our quality time.. I’m no longer gambling with mine or there feelings & that’s the biggest high & return I’m ever going to have & nothing is going to move me away or take that away from me... I hold my life in my own hands & I love my life!

Speak again soon

Hi @sillyboy1981,

Congratulations and well done on your 240 day milestone without gambling.  Its great that you are experiencing great family time.

It sounds like the gambling advertising is just strengthening your resolve for your recovery and your resolve to not take part in gambling anymore which is probably not a bad thing. 

You should be very proud of the progress you have made and the dedication you are putting into your recovery. Its clear to see that you are enjoying the benefits that your abstinence is bringing.

Keep posting and sharing your inspiration to others.

Regards

Dan

Forum Admin

Hi sillyboy1981 you are doing great. Well done. I agree with you about the advertising like you it doesn't make me want to gamble makes me angry, and as the counsellor told me that anger if it is appropriate anger is a good thing !! So let's carry on being angry about it !! I'm also enjoying life much more and I'm inspired when I read posts like yours people who are still gamble free and enjoying life and family. Awesome

Day-250

Cant actually believe that I’m here... My sobriety is as strong as ever... My relationship is getting strong each day that comes & goes & I am a part of that!

I am present & that makes me happy!! 

250 days not out! To the next day to tick off..

Speak again soon!

Don't feed that animal!!!! I like that story.  Well done , just read ur diary and its very good..... Well done.  Let's both hit the year month. Mines third December!!!